Dear Anita:

Thank you for your kind thoughts and words.

The world would indeed be a far different place—a better place—if there were more sustained empathy in it.

Although the movie A Beautiful Mind faux pas-ed in its portrayal of the Nash Equilibrium, as well as its portrayal of Adam Smith’s theory, I am inclined to agree with the idea that the best result comes from everyone in the group (families, friends, neighborhoods, cities, states, countries, and humanity on the whole)—and each group, as well—doing not only what is best for him/her/itself, but also what is good for the whole group/collection of groups/humanity.

I suggest that through the mutual application of empathy between two or more people, a group is mentally and socially formed, and from there the idea above applies from the micro to the macro. The keyword, however, is “mutual.” Empathy, as you rightly implied, shouldn’t only be one-sided.

That’s also not to say that empathy is the only thing needed for a world of happy human interaction, but it is a danged good start.

In point of fact, I was not looking for a girlfriend when I met her, nor am I now. I am well at ease with not being in a relationship. (In her case, I am particularly well at ease with not being in a parasitic relationship!) I would, however, be very happy to have someone in my life, with whom I am mutually compatible, who is like the person you describe.

My relationship with her was a learning experience, as are all relationships. Although I have realistically known this all along, through my experiences with her, the idealist part of me was a bit saddened to be made fully aware that, in the end, compassion is a risk to the person extending the compassion, and perhaps to the person being shown compassion—if the compassion unwittingly enables a negative behavior, for example. On the other hand, for everyone to withhold compassion from each other would constitute a risk to “the group” as well.

And then there would be far too many frowny faces in the world. 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

Danged if we do; danged if we don’t.

CMI 🙂

Hi, Anita and Butterfly.

Thank you for your responses. I won’t have a chance to reply in detail tonight, but I will tomorrow.

Have a good evening.

CMI

Dear Anita:

I particularly like your thoughts on empathizing with a person who is engaged in hurting you. I had never thought about the functional aspect of taking sides against one’s self.

Although I have never expected or hoped to derive any personal benefit from extending empathy or compassion, I have neglected to think fully about the ways in which my empathy and compassion could become a detriment to me. I am cognizant of most of the overt, and even the fairly covert, ways in which it could become a detriment to me, but the very subtle ways I tend to overlook.

I fully agree about the context of win-win. The problem is that when one first tests the waters of empathy with someone one doesn’t know, it is almost impossible to know if it is a win-win situation. Trial and error, I guess.

Perhaps it is the idealistic side of me, but for some reason it seems incongruent that, in the interest of self-preservation, extending compassion and empathy requires a certain mentality of watching one’s back for the possibility of an approaching knife. Clearly it does, but somehow it just feels odd.

CMI

Erratum —

Sorry; I meant to write: “… that specifically caused problems with emotional intimacy…” not “emotional empathy”.

CMI

Hi, Butterfly.

Wondering if any of it was “real” was something I struggled with, too. I know it was real for me, and I imagine that pieces of it were real for her, but much of it was nothing more than a game of deceit for her. And with so much deceit, the pieces that were real were like the kernels of half-truths wrapped in a Gordian knot of lies. And half-truths are whole lies.

What bothers me about the “reality” of our relationship was that I know now that the person for whom I cared so deeply, and loved so comprehensively, was, in the end, just a composite of illusions, just a phantom. And now that everything is over, even though I know it was all BS, I still have those lingering feelings of caring, love, and compassion for her. That’s the hardest pill to swallow.

Good for you for not replying to his texts. The woman I was involved with pulled that poo, too.

Feel free to vent anytime.

Stay strong.

CMI