The People I love are breaking me.

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This topic has 10 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 7 months ago by Eris.

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May 21, 2016 at 7:16 pm #105280

Lisa.luv
Participant

I can’t sleep my head is spinning, my heart is hurting and my eyes can barely see the screen through the tears, I would really appreciate some advice,I have been reading this website for a while and it is a truly wonderful thing. My family are so disrespectful and cruel towards me, and although I love them and I don’t want to fall out, I literally cannot take it anymore…

My life is the but of every joke in my family. I am such a passive person, I speak my mind when it comes to protecting my friends but when it comes to myself, I don’t want to rock the boat. I am a freelance practitioner in drama and circus and I love my job, my mum would rather i was “normal” like my step sisters and my brother, it has isolated me from my family as it is not the path they wanted for me. i get shouted at and spoke too like shit. never once congratulated for my work… I have remained in the UK for the past 3 yer and I visit home every other week. but it makes me miserable

I have just spent 2 hours at my mums birthday being called and freak a clown, a dirty tramp (getting work at Glastonbury festival for the past 9 years) I laugh it off and change the topic but each time it comes back to
me and how ridiculous I am… I used to be very confident but now i have paralyzing anxiety, I haven’t performed my own work in the last 2 years, just ran classes… their words have sunk into my subconscious… I have let so many great contracts go,,, I have slept and slept for days on end on and off for a year, I even spent xmas alone in bed because i dreaded the onslaught and critique of my life and person. which fueled their fire.. I feel worthless..the are like a pack of wild dogs when the get going and I just want to be accepted and loved for who I am. I know I’m different, we all are but surely it should be celebrated not shamed!!!! mymum has cancer so I never voice these feelings in fear of falling out at the worst possible time… If any one has advice that would be wonderful . thanks for reading..rant over x

May 21, 2016 at 7:29 pm #105281

Anonymous
Guest

Dear lisa-love:

My strong advice for you is to end all contact with your abusive family.

What do you do when people hurt you again and again and again? You get hurt. You suffer. So far, what you did was to go back for more. And you got more, more abuse. Time to stop going for more.

Save yourself and cut the chord.

I did it. It was very difficult but necessary. I did it and you can too.

What do you think as you read my advice to you?

anita

May 22, 2016 at 12:59 am #105287
Ann – Marie
Participant
Hi Lisa,

I know where your coming from and its truly horrible to believe the people that are ment to be the ones you can go to for advice and protection are actually the ones you need to protect yourself from.

You need to work really hard on yourself to get the strength you need to be assertive with them and stop them crossing your emotional boundaries or they will destroy you self esteem don’t give them the power to do this.

Going by what you wrote they are not happy with their lives but you do something you love and they don’t like it, if there not happy either they will try and stop you being happy also.

They are bullies and bullies are very broken people hiding behind fear. I would suggest you do a CBT course and some self help to give yourself the strength you need limit the contact or cut it completely and also tell they what they are its the most empowering thing I have ever done they might not care but at least you don’t it hope this helps xx
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Ann - Marie.
May 22, 2016 at 5:39 am #105290
Inky
Participant
Hi lisa-love,

Some suggestions which might work:

1. Call when they are not home and/or write a letter saying that you are taking a break because they verbally abuse you with their words and attitudes. “See you next year!”

2. Bring a guest with you (next year) so the family has an “audience”. (They will be less likely to revert back to bad habits)

3. Have an alternate place to go. Then at the first hint of disrespect abruptly and silently leave.

4. Get individual family members ALONE. Have it out with that one person. Start with the weakest link. After the visit that one person will not DARE to make fun of you in a group setting. Do this (eventually) with every other family member.

5. Tell everyone via phone message that YOU are celebrating “X” holiday and THEY are invited! No one may go, but if any do it will be on your turf with your friends in the context of your awesome life. If no one goes, that is one more holiday with the Golden Respect only Silence can bring!

6. On social media even if they aren’t “Friends”, make posts Public ~ of you being celebrated, you thanking people for all the overwhelming support, you getting awards, info about your events, etc.

7. One holiday I bought a “NO” button from Staples. Whenever my mom commented on my weight I pressed the button. “NO!!!” Everyone laughed, and the joke was on her (three “NO”s later). She NEVER pulled that stunt again!!

Good Luck!

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
May 22, 2016 at 9:23 am #105295

Maria_L
Participant

Hello,

I’ve been on this forum for a while and I usually answer when I read about issues I have dealt with for years, I’ve explored about them profoundly, asked for professional help, and found my way to overcome them. I can say if there is anything I can talk about with confidence, it’s abusive member(s) of the family. I am talking about the mental abuse, the one that no one can see but you most of the times.

I’ve had that for more than two decades, and I can’t even count all those hours of depression. I have tried to build my confidence, become spiritual, detach myself from their behavior, get stronger. Oh, how I tried. I know that is easy to say ‘don’t give them power’. That just doesn’t work. They get to you… almost every time. And it’s not your fault. And everyone thinks they are great people, and that it’s ‘normal’ for family members not to get along, so no one helps, no one thinks it’s serious.

It’s not your fault, and it’s also not your fault that you can’t rise above it all. Ultimately, the perfect thing to do is to work on a strategy to become as independent and detached from them as much as possible. You don’t have to argue or never talk to them again, just gain a safe distance and independence. It will be enough, trust me. It’s as simple as that. You are not ‘damaged’ for lifetime, or need 10 psychiatrists to fix you, you just need ‘clear air’, and to find and do something that makes you happy. You’ll forget about them really fast.

But I also know that sometimes this takes time and effort, and you need to help yourself immediately. Yes, find a safe place. A room in your house, a friend’s place when you can ‘crash in’ when things get really bad. You need a break sometimes. It helps to get some air sometimes.

Find someone you can talk to, a good friend, a counselor maybe. The one thing I regret is not talking to a psychologist at the time, I’d use their insights as shortcut, I had to figure stuff on my own most of the time. If you are really angry, it’s 2 am, and you are alone, feeling you’ll burst out, write about it. Write it on paper, the paper can take it 🙂 Just do not keep that anger inside and repress it, it will burst out with some health issue.

And I will not give any advice in order how to position yourself with them, cause I know in my experience it didn’t matter if I responded with a smile, or clearly let them know that they act like animals and hurt me. It didn’t make a difference.

Be strong, think of all the wonderful things that wait for you behind those walls… Start working on your plan. You’ll get out of there and forget about all this in a week…

May 22, 2016 at 10:42 am #105318

Gary R. Smith
Participant

Hi Lisa,

Inky gave you excellent specific suggestions for being pro-active and self-empowered. If you are up for acting on them, you will come through as a stronger person and less subject to the behaviors of others.

You can also end all contact and walk away. That may be more comfortable at first, but you will resolve nothing unless you face the issue squarely. Face the abusers and face your own issues.

Marliv and others also gave sound advice. Beyond that, my suggestion is to start a longer term practice which you tailor to you:

1. Gain clarity about the person you choose to be. What are the characteristics and attributes, such as confidence, equanimity, constancy?

2. Tune yourself to recognize what hinders you from unfolding all of your potential, from being the person you choose to be. What are your own issues, such as taking things personally, dramatizing, being reactive and so on. Not saying you have those behaviors, they are just common examples. Be fully honest with yourself in a non-judgmental way. If you can laugh at the hindering behaviors, all the better. Let go of all that hinders. You do not have to name what hinders as your innate wisdom knows.

3. Reflect on what qualities and feelings are supportive of your unfolding potential. Embrace what nurtures and supports your soul growth (soul being heart, mind, will and emotions). Again, you do not have to name the qualities, just trust your in-born wisdom to know and activate your choices.

4. Start with letting go of what hinders and embracing what supports with some idea of what that means. Then, when you are ready, let go even of that control and when you can trust the greater reality, be able to merge with what is and allow what wants to happen to emerge. That is not to say suffer abuse. Let your actions be guided by listening to what Life is saying to you and act in the flow.

For more about this approach, check out http://www.wholehuman.emanatepresence.com/

By the way, about five years ago I moved from Germany to the Canary Islands where my briefcase with laptop and passport were stolen. To make a long story shorter, it meant an unexpected stopover in London waiting for my bank. While there, I enjoyed a full moon walk along the Thames and a visit to Glastonbury. I can understand your working at the Glastonbury festival as that area stood out in my experience. The theft was also a great experience as it taught several lessons in self-responsibility. All experiences can be valuable when they are taken for learning.

Best to you,

Gary

May 22, 2016 at 12:30 pm #105324

Lisa.luv
Participant

Firstly Wow!!! thank you all so much for all the advice, I have never wrote in a forum before and am overwhelmed at the support that really is out there. You are all fabulous beings and all your advice is really helpful.

Firstly Anita, you are incredibly strong and I admire your courage to do what ever it took to make yourself happy. well done for taking the leap to empower yourself…unfortunately I have an inability to let go… I am always in hope especially because of my mums condition- if she died and we hadn’t made up it would kill me, I would still suffer through guilt and it is another way in which they could potentially attack later down the line. I don’t want to end my relationships, I want to fix them, but you’ve got to do whats right for you, we are all different and I’m glad it worked for you.

Shivvy:CBT course is a fantastic idea thank you so much your totally right…I have read endless self help books and they work while your reading them but life goes on day by day and the knowledge somehow gets diluted until I’m back to square one…I was on medication for a year until I read up on the pharmaceutical companies-and their effects,But a course is something that I can really get my teeth into…like a personal project- I must master myself again. fab!!

Inky–you got some gusto love!!:o) I’m not the throw a big party, facebooky type of person any more.. was in my early 20’s now it kinda makes me cringe… saying that I think its a great tool to put your middle finger up at them but it’s just not for me… the No button is ingenious although I know this would be another “quirky” thing they would rip me for. I will deffo follow your advice about ‘one at a time’ starting with 1 of my step sisters…she can be sound, and often can see when it’s getting out of hand…I think chatting with her would also ease my mind that I’m not over reacting or being over sensitive. so cheers.

Finally Marliv…thank you so much for your understanding “And everyone thinks they are great people, and that it’s ‘normal’ for family members not to get along, so no one helps, no one thinks it’s serious.” I burst into tears at this… I have completely cut off from extended family because of this—they add too it… It’s so nice to know you can get through it and it’s a thing others truly get and empathize with. Distance is key! I don’t need to feel like I have to go back all the time…I have my own life to lead—i don’t want to make a scene because of mums illness I just need to get busy and productive….and drop in on my terms not theirs…when I feel strong…P L A N!!! luckily I live away from them but I go running back at every clicked finger… no more!!! I’m glad you found a path that worked for you in the end…how is your relationship now??

The post was my 2am rant and you have all made me feel so much more powerful, positive and genuinely happy, thanks or the support guys. lots of love xx

Also as a spot of advice from myself. I’ve found today screaming and arguing my points at them while I’m steaming around on my bicycle really helps too….very satisfying!!! .. people must think I’m a woman possessed… but when you notice you’ve been noticed … it doesn’t half make you laugh your own glorious ridiculousness. :oD highly recommend it!

May 22, 2016 at 1:09 pm #105325

Maria_L
Participant

I am so glad that you feel bit better… 🙂 And hold on to this energy, return to this moment when you feel down 🙂 I am glad you are not under the same roof, also, be happy that you can call your house a home. You have your sanctuary… 🙂

Making a scene and cutting the cord was also not an option for me at the time. Given the fact that we are 2000 kilometers away now, we kept civil, respectful relationship. I am not sure what they talk about me in the privacy of their homes, but I genuinely don’t care.I forgave them long time ago. And when you contact someone once a month, mostly via skype, you don’t often get the chance to get to the drama. Just till you give basic updates about your life, the time passes 🙂

I have an amazing partner, a whole future to plan with him, so this is my focus now. And last time my grandfather started to insult my way of life, and i wanted to burst out… I just asked myself- how many times will you see him again this year… 3 or 4 … per one hour? And he is old, any talk could be our last.. 🙁 Four hours a year are just not worth the drama…

I am sure you are wonderful person who in spite of everything thinks about the health of others.. I admire you for that! I am sure there are many ways you can be helpful, and not harmful to your mother’s health, without exposing yourself to them. Slowly slip away under the radar (say you are busy, have a headache every once n a while for a start, ask how she is via text or call) 🙂 Worked for my sis perfectly… There might be some reactions in the beginning, but stay on your path, stick to your plan.. There will be bad days again I am sure, but they will become more rare..

I am sending you my best wishes and energy… And yes, isn’t it amazing that sometimes perfect strangers can be more considerate and helpful than your own family?

May 22, 2016 at 1:23 pm #105326

Ann – Marie
Participant

Hi lisa,

I only explained briefly in my last reply the reason i said i know where you are coming is from is because Ive been through the exact same thing, from as far back as i can remember the emotional trauma was terrifying and the worst part about it is obviously you believe every single thing they say because they are family so they have to be telling you the truth.

This is why i recommended CBT, they will have already and will further more F**k your head up so bad making your thoughts totally distorted its hard to tell the difference from right and wrong, to trust people ETC i know this sounds harsh and it is but this is what happened to me, i kept focusing on all the bad stuff nothing good was getting in because i have not one ounce of self-esteem left, my subconscious was also buried with negitivity i said don’t give them the power because this is what i done too by letting them emotionally abuse me I gave them the power because i taught it was normal what was going on well thats a lie deep down i knew it was wrong but didn’t know what to do about it, eventually i went travelling for a couple of years but ended up coming home back to it and i could actually feel it starting all over again at the time i couldn’t name it but now i can it was full on emotional abuse even after been away it felt like i never left i fell straight back into the role, Without a douth the first thing you have to fix is your thinking once you get this sorted you can do anything I’m not saying its going to be easy.

If you fix the way you look at things the way you look at things will change.

Some suggestions :

CBT

Psychology Class

Loads of Self – Help

Meet new people

Counselling

Meditation – Yoga – pilates Etc any class for the mind

Start using essential oils

Walk i was at least 2 hours a day sound a lot helps a lot

Stay away from them

Start journaling really helps

Here are some websites that will help a lot to

http://www.schematherapy.com

http://www.therapistaid.com

15 Signs You Come From A Dysfunctional Family

One more thing Lisa i may be wrong but it sounds like to me there is definitely a lot of narcissistic behaviour here read up on this also

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201405/narcissistic-parents-psychological-effect-their-children

Narcissistic Family Dynamics – Playing The Hand We’re Dealt

Trust me I’ve been through the ringer too but there is defiantly plenty of light at the end of the tunnel the best advice i can give you is educate yourself on the subject there is a different answer for everyone I’m still a work in progress but must better than where i was last year xx

May 22, 2016 at 2:34 pm #105327

Anonymous
Guest

Dear lisa-love:

Thank you for your encouragement. You “sound” in much a better mood in your second post, cheerful, and I am glad.

I would like to edit my first reply to you above, if I may:

You wrote in your original post: “i get shouted at and spoke too like shit… being called and freak a clown, a dirty tramp.. the(y) are like a pack of wild dogs when the get going.”

I understand your inability and unwillingness to cut contact with them. And I respect your choice to continue contact with the family members that have been abusing you. In this case, please do not passively accept their abuse (my quote of you above). It simply cannot be good for you, no way around it: it hurts you and harms you, understandably. When any one of them shouts at you, or call you names- if on the phone- hang up. Email instead. If in person, protest there: do not talk to me/ about me like this! If they continue, leave to a room away from them, maybe stay with a friend in the area until they can promise to act respectfully toward you. Better before you go visit- tell each person that you expect to be treated respectfully, not abusively, and that if you will be abused in their home, you will have to leave.

You can plan how to do it in a way that works for you. But no matter how sick your mother, no matter how much you love them all, how attached, passively accepting their abuse should not be an option.

I appreciate your reply and please do post anytime.

Best wishes to you, take good care of yourself:

anita

May 23, 2016 at 12:07 pm #105392

Eris
Participant

It seems that those people who do this to you

” get shouted at and spoke too like shit… being called and freak a clown, a dirty tramp.. the(y) are like a pack of wild dogs when the get going.”

are small, pathetic, jealous people. They are also stupid, to be able to do a job like yours and be successful in it is crazy hard, you have to be an incredibly brave, strong, talented person.

See them for the jealous, small life people they must be to act like that and its funny how much less of a sting their opinion of you has (it will still sting but not as much!)

Well done for having the type of life that most people wish they were brave enough to have!
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