Home→Forums→Relationships→Terrified of what she thinks of me
- This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 6 months ago by
Little Buddha.
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September 22, 2014 at 2:23 pm #65371
CodyParticipantWell, last semester I was taking biology and met this really awesome, funny, smart punk girl. We became friends and would hang out together after class every week. Suffice it to say I really liked her. She’s super confident and always stated she doesn’t want or need a boyfriend or significant other.
One day in June we met up and hung out. At the end of the night we were in my car, just talking. Somehow she got on the topic is sex, and she sorta talked about her experiences (nothing specific, just vague).
The primal horndog in me was, well “excited,” but I didn’t say or do anything. I interpreted this as one of two meanings: 1.) she was just comfortable talking to me about it, or 2.) she was trying to be subtle.The next day I texted her saying that… I wanted to go down on her… I just wanted to make her happy. I love hanging out with her, making her laugh. I was sort of hoping for to form a more serious relationship with her, but knowing how independent and confident she was regarding the topic, I thought maybe it’d be best to appeal to her sexual side.
Anyways, she wasn’t sure what to say and I (desperately) tried to explain myself, knowing I had fucked up and just wanted to go back to the way things were. That was when she texted about forgetting the whole thing and I was gracious.
I’d send her stuff to try and make her laugh every once in a while (like every couple of weeks), but over time she took longer to reply and since then hasn’t responded to my last few messages.
I’ve seen her around our community college, and I really want to confront her and apologize in person, but I’m distraught at the idea that I might make things worse.September 23, 2014 at 4:58 am #65410
InkyParticipantI would chalk it up to a lesson learned. Even porn stars who like the industry deep down want to be treated and seen as a princess. You can’t have love without respect. She felt disrespected and so it really might be over with her, especially if she’s doing the slow fade. Or you hit on an original wound and, in fact, she was covering the wound up with her confident punk veneer.
Maybe A Grand Gesture would help in starting over. A song. A poem. Flowers. Artwork. Any of those should be made public. She will be embarrassed, you will be embarrassed, and everyone will go “Awwwww”. But now she knows how you REALLY feel, and so does everyone else, so your fondness for her is now public knowledge, not some dirty little texting secret.
And then let it go, and let her take the lead.
September 24, 2014 at 11:11 am #65490
Little BuddhaParticipantAhhh, good old shame and guilt. We meet again. 🙂
Worse than any pain that she or anyone can inflict on you, is the pain that you inflict upon yourself. Even when forgiven, told to forget about it and move on, we continue to replay the scene in our head and wish it never happened. And down we’ve fallen into the shame spiral only to react and drown ourselves deeper and deeper and deeper into the abyss and lose sight of the sunlight completely.
If I breakdown the events, you assessed a person and situation, came up with a hypothesis, tried an experiment by appealing to her sexual side, and your hypothesis was wrong. You acknowledged your error and apologized. She accepted your apology.
It sounds like she’s forgiven you, but can you forgive yourself? Can you be patient? Can you not react? Can you be okay with the discomfort? Can you be okay with the possibility that your relationship may change and go into a completely new and unexpected direction? Can you give her space? You’ve reached out and she hasn’t responded. She may or may not. Can you let that be her choice?
She can’t alleviate your discomfort, your pain, your suffering. She’s can’t make you feel better or make you feel less distraught. You can’t confront her and demand that she make this pain go-away. You can try, but I anticipate you’ll just get pushed away again and perhaps further away
Rather than confrontation and focusing on her, focus on you, forgive yourself, strive to be okay with who you are and what happened, learn from your experience, apply self-compassion, open your heart, and find inner peace. Then, maybe, you’ll radiate an energy that is calm, composed, confident, and more approachable thereby attracting her or perhaps another woman. Can you be open to that possibility?
September 24, 2014 at 1:14 pm #65495CodyParticipantHow do I let go?
How do I accept the fact that I destroyed a relationship with an amazing person whom I care about?September 24, 2014 at 1:32 pm #65500
TodzillaParticipantI think you need to forgive yourself and see the humor in it, especially if she’s gotten past it.
You’ll do better next time.
September 24, 2014 at 7:49 pm #65512Little BuddhaParticipantHow do you let go? One breath at a time.
Step 1) Breath in
Step 2) Let go
Step 3) Breath outAre you still holding on? Repeat steps 1-3.
And remember, you didn’t destroy anything. The relationship changed. You made an offer and she refused it. Had she accepted the relationship would have also changed. There wasn’t any malice intended, just learning and growth. You’re not wicked, evil, bad, and definitely not deserving whatever lashings your giving yourself. You’re just human and prone to errors.
Would you feel better if I told you you’ll probably make even worse mistakes with women in the future? It’s bound to happen.
Chin up. Shoulders back. Walk tall and chalk one up for the history books as future reference.
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