Dear Anita,

“But you didn’t feel good because his very-cold-version was pre-imprinted in your brain  Fast forward, when someone gives you love, in your mind, you are experience the mix that you received in childhood.”

this makes sense.

I am at my boyfriends parents house right now, we got here just early this morning after a 3 hour flight. Before I met him to leave for the airport I woke up early and mediated, I wanted to be there for my partner this weekend. As I know it brings up things for me when I visit home. Anyways I was feeling good this morning but then I got to his house and about 3 hours in feel exhausted. I asked him if we could go on a walk, hoping to feel connected to him and for it to remind me of why I am doing this, because I love him. We go on a walk and he begins exploring the outdoors and starts leading me down this very torn up valley of dead trees, hard to walk through and calls me a baby for complaining about the mud and the “trail” that had clearly been just destroyed. I don’t know if it was all the dead trees or the complete lack of his attention (not sure why I felt I needed it so bad), as I kept having to remind him not to keep walking so far infront of me as I stumbled, but I became so anxious. I was overwhelmed about having to go back inside to socialize, I was tired and felt like I was complaining to him. I truly don’t like his parents relationship, they are so passive aggressive and constantly hurting eachother and just moving past it. They have no shared hobbies and pretty much live separate lives sad the other won’t join them. Anyways, I feel bad for being anxious and complaining to him, because I wanted to be there for him! I feel selfish as if I made his trip home to his family about me. I don’t know why I did this, I have felt disconnected with him ever since we got here and I want to understand why and find out how to ease this anxiety. We are sleeping separately here and so I have some space tonight and tomorrow morning to try to get my mind right. But I feel stumped and disappointed in myself.

with love
seaturtles

Dear Anita,

I apologize for my later response, my trip to see my partners family was consuming in many ways and I am just now reading this response. The following day him and I stayed at an aribnb together for a friends wedding (the main reason we went on the trip) and I just wanted to do my best to be present and not make the drive about me, which I inevitably would have done if I saw a response from you, I would have needed to express it to him, but I did not want to overwhelm him with my feelings.

I am now reading your response.

Wow your view of what happened is very perceptive and I appreciate it so much. I now wish I had read it before so I could have better seen the hurt n. I completely blamed myself for feeling disconnected. I thought perhaps his parents relationship scared me and made me hyper aware of any sort of disconnect on his end, which it probably did which exacerbated my feelings when he disconnected from me. When I feel disconnected from him I tend to think something is either wrong with me or the relationship, but if the disconnect is happening from his end, how to I detect and remedy this?

This explains why when we left to go to our airbnb, after a bit of disconnect remaining between us on the drive over, as soon as we got to the cabin, and I mean AS SOON AS we got there, I felt more connected to him than ever. We had such a bonding moment where I believe we both felt very safe. We cuddled on the couch, then I gave him a haircut for the wedding and we got ready together. We again were connected the next morning and through our whole drive home, even at his parents house, but then after dinner had another disconnect (I will share in the paragraph after next)

There was however another issue I had, it wasn’t between US it was, I am pretty sure, between seaturtle and hatchling.. While we were getting ready for the wedding, I tried on the dresses I brought. I couldn’t afford a new one and my only option were a couple in my closet I hadn’t worn before or in a long time. I tried on all three and did not feel confident. I thought about how I would be compared with the other women there .. I am not proud of this and new it was not a helpful thought but I felt it very deeply. I then also forgot my regular makeup essentials. After this final straw I broke down into tears and thought I couldn’t go. I had thoughts like “N will be attracted to another girl and I won’t compare,” “His friends won’t think I am good enough looking for him.” I should mention, this was a wedding for one of his highschool friends and were all going to be people from his past I had never met. I was actually terrified on the inside to run into an ex girlfriend of his or someone he had a crush on. My head spun with thoughts of comparison with those girls as well and for some reason, hatchling thought she would literally just die if there was a scenario where he had an ex/crush there that I thought was prettier than me.. I feel very vulnerable sharing this because I am not proud of my insecurities, I am not sure why they occur either. I wish I had my head high enough to not be bothered by such superficial little things. In the end, N was really there for me and helped me through the panic attack and I felt strong enough to finish getting ready and make it work. Once I arrived at the wedding I instantly felt safer as I met his friends and did not feel less than them or judged negatively for the way I looked and behaved. I enjoyed the rest of the wedding. However, a voice remains in my head even now, “If you WERE faced with someone who made you feel inferior physically or behaviorally, you would have been crushed with anxiety.” …

The next day our drive home was lovely and we stopped for breakfast and had some very engaging conversation and I learned some new things about N. I love how he pays attention to world affairs and has such a level head about what is happening around him. It makes me feel safe. It also intrigues me because I do want to know about those things too and look forward to more of those conversations. Once we got back to his parents house I still felt connected to him up until after dinner and we started playing a board game with his mom, it was late and N did say later he was tired and trying to end the game already, but this is what happened: We were playing a game where we all have to sort of build something and the person that does the best in many ways wins, however you can’t win if you don’t at least complete what you build. I wasn’t very good at it, but his mom said that she goes easy on people who haven’t played and typically will at least give everyone the time to complete their building. It was the end of the game and N’s mom was about to win but she put off winning so that I, the last one to finish, could complete my building. But then N comes in and finishes his, ending the game, leaving me unfinished. When I looked at him he had a straight face with a “sucks to suck” attitude. I asked him to not do that so I could finish but he continued to do so with no sort of playful smile or anything. This hurt me deeply .. I am not saying these are rational feelings, infact I know they aren’t but in that moment I felt he didn’t love me, didn’t see me, didn’t care about me or my feelings, I felt like he completely abandoned me. I held back tears. He then left the table to go outside to probably smoke (weed) with his dad and I was left at the table sad and alone with his mom just holding back all my feelings. That night he came to tuck me into bed and I was too afraid to start the conversation about my pain, I was too afraid of him denying my feelings and I knew how badly that would hurt me so I ignored the feelings and we snuggled before he went to his bed downstairs.

Next day we drive to the airport. My feelings about the night before caught me by surprise again while we were waiting to board the plane. A family next to us were playing a game, maybe that is what reminded me Im not exactly sure. Anyways I can’t hold back this time so I tell N how I felt about the way the game ended. He said that my feelings were not warranted for the actions that he did. He said what he did should not lead to my reaction. I told him he didn’t understand my trauma of feeling betrayed by a teammate (life teammate, we were not on a team in the game). He said he felt hurt that I didn’t know what it felt like to be on opposite teams of a friend you have to play against, as he experienced that a lot in football and knew it wasn’t easy. I told him there should be a better way to play games together, that he should be able to be kind to me while playing with me and that there should be guidelines between us. I told him we should never be the one to screw the other person over. It is ok if you/your team wins but there is a kinder/ more loving way to do it, I wanted him to let me at least finish building as he would have still one, but I felt what he did was rude. to this he responded with laughter like I was completely rediculous for calling him rude about a game. He said “it’s just a game” MULTIPLE times, but this only made me feel invalidated cause obviously I was expressing feelings that went beyond a game. To which he responded “so then it sounds like we just can’t play games together because you can’t be a good sport.” I literally wanted to strangle him when he said this, my body was so uncomfortable I felt like I could burst with energy and run a 5k. We did resolve this conversation, I think (although as I write this it still upsets me ..). When I told him that having all those uncles growing up, like 6 older brothers I was bullied in games, they would gang up on me and cheat so that I always lost, if I was about to win they would cheat, sometimes they were just better and won without cheating but again I was like 8 and they were 13-20 years old making an 8 year old feel slow and stupid. My siblings and I literally can’t play games with my dad anymore without witnesses, because he would change rules to fit him and have these rational reasons as to why all his rules made sense. He NEVER let us win. We would be crying at the games and my mom would actually call him a bully to which he just said we needed to learn… I tried to express to N that I was bullied in games growing up but even those words coming out of my mouth made me feel stupid like “can I really not handle a game?” anyways when I told N I felt unloved, abandoned and like he was like one of my uncles who teamed up on me while I was abandoned and left alone to fight an army, he comforted me. N told me that he was always on my side and that he loved me, this melted me into tears… It is all I needed to hear to feel safe again. But there is still a part of me, I realized as I wrote this, that just wants him to be “nicer” to just ME, his life teammate, when it comes to games. and I think we still disagree here and I am scared to revisit it and be told he won’t do it or it’s just on me to be less sensitive.

Anita, this response came flowing through me at my computer. I feel more in tuned with my feelings than ever before and I have a fear you will tire of this forum, but I want you to know it is so helpful to me and I really appreciate you. I look forward to your response, hopefully ❤️

With love,

Seaturtle & hatchling

Dear Anita,

“I understand. I wanted to send you a how-are-you inquiry earlier, but figured you are probably busy with the challenging visit and long flight back to AZ. (I was concerned about your relationship).”

Thank you for understanding and I really feel your concern and thank you for that as well. I was concerned too. Feeling not only disconnected but then those hopeless thoughts of “will this ever end?” “how many more times will I feel like this with him, is it going to be the majority of our relationship?” “can I handle this?” The fact the disconnect is on his end I feel alleviated of blame, but then I still feel the concern for its end, because it is in his control and that feels unstable to me.

“In the scenario you described, that walk in nature, what I would have done in your shoes would be to gently, kindly invite N to talk about how he was feeling, if he wanted to. If he said no, or ignored my invitation. I’d just endure the walk and try to be calm about it (not taking his disconnected/ angry behavior personally).”

I hope to be able to do this in the future. I wasn’t aware at the time that he was the cause of the disconnect, I thought it was me. Perhaps I can still ask him even though the feelings are not fresh on his mind?

“– like I wrote earlier in this post, feelings just happen: No Choice=>No Guilt. I am adding: No Choice=> No Shame (regarding feelings like envy, jealousy, anger, etc.)”

I am trying to visualize if this would have helped me in that moment. To say to myself “these feelings are not my fault.” Does that give the feelings less power? I just wonder where these insecure feelings stem from so that I can pull it out by the root. Or is experiencing these feelings simply human and will always be there, it’s just a matter of how loud you let them be?

Thank you for your concern about my relationship it feels so nice, and gives me hope, to have someone hearing and seeing me ❤️

Seaturtle & hatchling

Dear Anita,

“for a little girl, a young child (hatchling), a scenario where a parent abandons her for another child (a prettier child, a smarter child, etc.) means death” … “Fast forward, projecting your father into your boyfriend, you fear being abandoned by him for another young woman.. one who is more to his (N’s) standards, and the fear feels like the fear of death.”

I think back to my childhood, I am the oldest of four and I always did everything I could for my dads approval, I dedicated myself to a sport, which I did have fun with, but I also never thought there was another option, it just never occurred to me, it was to just keep getting better and I found satisfaction in the improvement I saw in myself. I did take a-lot from it, hard work does get you results, I did intense workouts every day that he would ask me about at every dinner. Many days I of course wanted to skip a workout and didn’t but I didn’t because I wanted to be able to say yes when he asked me at dinner. I eventually did get in very good shape, which helped me feel more confident in my sport. He complimented my physic, I will never forget him commenting how fit I looked in the “love-handle” area while at the beach in Hawaii, I remember feeling odd about it but also satisfied that he was proud. This to say, I did “follow the rules” of his conditional support, in fact I feel the sister I had a bad relationship for a while with, resented me because I was setting a lofty expectation that she felt short of. I was the one chose over her… so it is interesting to me that I still fear not being “the chosen one.” It is almost like since I WAS, now I can’t not be.. that feeling of “death” is so real, it truly is that intense. Is the solution here also emotion regulation skills?

“I can’t think of a better partner for you.”

This is very sweet, thank you 🙂

“Hatchling grew up with this instinctual fear being triggered. She is still afraid of being completely abandoned.” … “Objectively, N ending the game when he did, and the way he did, was not abusive or even rude, in my estimation. Subjectively, it felt terrible to hatchling because she is so very sensitive to any event that, to her,  has a taste of abandonment, no matter how vague, weak, or minor.. or non-existent the taste is in objective terms.” … “For hatchling, any taste of abandonment from someone she needs emotionally (N), is a clear-and-present danger, strong and major.”

Making note of this.

“– N can’t be nice enough to undo what your uncles did to hatchling, nor can he be nice enough to change the conditional “love” of your father, and turn it into an unconditional love. Your healing may require quality professional therapy.”

My first and only therapist that I have had was quality but her way of doing things was very hands off, she was awesome and her method worked for that time of my life where I was being awakened, but now I would like more intense therapy where someone can actually give me the type of insight that you do. Rather than just sort of having someone who just listens, with very light amount insight/advice. What type of therapy would you recommend?

““The fact the disconnect is on his end I feel alleviated of blame, but then I still feel the concern for its end, because it is in his control and that feels unstable to me“- I am not sure I understand this part, but I’ll say this: N is not Perfect, but reads to me that he is..  close enough to it (and nobody is perfect). He makes mistakes and he will make mistakes in the future.“

– By this I meant, N is not aware that being at his parents house caused him to feel the same as when he was a child. He is not aware, that going on that little hike, on that torn up trail where I felt disconnected from him, has to do with something going on inside of him.      Before I saw your comment:

(““Perhaps I can still ask him even though the feelings are not fresh on his mind?“- you asked this in regard to the unpleasant walk in nature when taking a break from being in the distressing company of his parents. I suggest that you ask him this if and when he brings up the topic of his parents.”)

I actually asked him this morning, how he has felt since the trip or reflected on how he felt back at his parents, and he just said “I enjoyed it and didn’t feel badly there this time..” As I am really putting effort into how I feel and why, I have this feeling like he is not on that same path and I have a desire for him to be on it too. I want him to be aware of his feelings on that torn up path, and I want him to be aware that he disconnected from me there. I know he is amazing and not perfect, so I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations, but I can’t help but crave the same self awareness.

My rational self, outside of the feeling, can see that he didn’t do anything wrong in the game situation. When you said “N can’t be nice enough to undo what your uncles did to hatchling” I can see how this can be true, but unfortunately I don’t think my feelings follow my rationale here. When I read this there is a part of me that understands and a part of me, I am assuming hatchling, who still believes he can be nice enough to heal me … I don’t necessarily believe it, but I feel it, if that makes sense. It is an interesting feeling to feel split internally here.

“(2) Experiencing these feelings is human and there will always be feelings that are uncomfortable to feel, but you can lower the intensity of these feelings via emotion regulation skills, which means to indeed lower their volume.”

This is so interesting because it goes along with my internally split feelings, like I mentioned just before. It’s like when I am in the emotion I can see it overpowering me, I can’t escape it cause I don’t yet have the tools, but I find myself searching for tools when I am in the emotion. I realize there is a lack of emotional regulation skills while in it and it can be a very paralyzing place to be.

“hatchling’s trauma/ fear of abandonment (which took hold way before you ever met N), and therefore, it is not about N’s actions.”

I am circling back to this, you mentioned much earlier in your last post, but it stuck with me. When you used the analogy of a fawn and her mother and abandonment = death, it got me wondering where exactly this fear of abandonment is from. These are my two hypotheses:

My dad did was not really ever emotionally there. But as far as physical abandonment, he did move out, and into a hotel after my moms final time cheating on him. I of course understood because I knew why he was leaving and I actually agreed with it, I would have done the same. So I don’t think I felt abandoned, but maybe I felt it was unfair I was left with her and he didn’t take me. Once he got a house, about 6 months later I decided to move in with him.

My mom was emotionally in and out, she had a drinking problem, I found out later. She always had a glass of wine in her hand, it never made her aggressive with us, infact she was perhaps too clingy to us with it, she would get extra affectionate. But her wine self is almost like an inauthentic affection feeling .. Then when I moved out with my dad, I left her, so she didn’t abandon me? In fact she reached out to me all the time but I did not respond to her for about a complete year. After a year I ended up spending alot of time with her cause I missed her, then the time with both my parents started to sway back and forth, depending on where I felt more free. I often felt free-er with my mom, but safer with my dad.

“hatchling needs you to be gentle with her. Every one of her feelings carries a message with it. It is only after you thoroughly heard each message, that each feeling- having served its purpose- will.. no longer be there to distress you.”

I assume I will just know when this message is received. I do wonder though, are the messages sort of like realizations of the true reason hatchling is afraid, mixed with some awareness as to why it is a fear that is not helpful .. ? This is an abstract thought that, if true, I have felt before, but can’t pin my finger on what scenario exactly I have felt this before.

Always with Love

Seaturtle & hatchling