Hi Seaturtle

Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry but I will have to get back to you tomorrow again. Lots of family drama atm. I should be fine and able to focus after sleeping though.

Love and best wishes! ❤️ 🙏

Dear Seaturtle:

We need so much from other people, more than most can offer, A boyfriend cannot be all that you need him to be. There needs to be  compromise.. so don’t rush to break up with him. You will soon make the right choice for you. It will be YOUR choice. I’ll read your whole recent posts and reply further tomorrow.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I will read and reply by Monday (you said that you’d like to take the weekends off). Please try to have a good, relaxing .. Teflon weekend!

anita

Hi Seaturtle

Thank you for your patience and compassion! Please feel free to read this on Monday, since you like to have a break over the weekend.

I know exactly how you feel with the issues with apologies. I’ve had similar issues too with my husband. I’m glad to hear that your partner did get better at apologising though. Mine did too.

It also helped to calm my triggers to be treat with empathy and validation. I think that as time went on and we worked on things, I was more able to differentiate between the past and the present. I ended up feeling less and less the need for him to apologize to help soothe my anxiety because it became very clear to me that it was less to do with him and his behaviour and more to do with my past.

Regarding passive aggressive jokes, would be you like to share an example? I think this is something that I’ve been guilty of myself. I appreciate sarcastic humour, whereas my husband doesn’t. It annoyed my sister too when I would be sarcastic. I think that it’s important to take on board that feedback from people and even though it’s a tense situation and a sarcastic joke might lighten my mood, it can have the opposite effect on others. Being sensitive to other people’s needs is important especially to avoid escalating conflict.

It can definitely be difficult living with people so closely. It really takes some getting used to. I remember being annoyed by the lack of space for the first 6 months when my husband and I started living together. I hope that moving out helps you to process and gives you that comfort of having your own space.

I think that therapy could be helpful in the event that you two decide to live together again. You know now that it is a triggering experience for you both and could honestly use some support to help manage this. I think it’s possible to overcome this in a relationship if both partners are committed to supporting each other and working on it together.

Thank you for sharing your experiences of your trauma being invalidated, even though it was challenging for you. You have a lot of strength for being able to do so! What your partner doesn’t understand is that to articulate such deep emotions takes a lot of courage. It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s very much a strength that allows you to heal.

I forgot to add some context about my relationship. My husband also had an abusive background.

I don’t remember if I’ve said this before, but I feel it’s important.

For a long time, I felt a sense of distrust and resentment that he wasn’t able to behave “perfectly” and avoid triggering me. I was genuinely hyper vigilant in the relationship and afraid of being abused.

It’s really difficult when the mind overlays past experiences onto our present. It is very confusing and ultimately, understandable that we want it to stop. But ultimately, my husband was never to blame. The traumatic experiences were to blame.

Since I’ve come to understand the large impact my PTSD has on communication during disagreements in the relationship. It’s really helped me to accept him and forgive his very human mistakes when they occur and to let go of that resentment.

I would also say that sometimes living with a roommate that you don’t like as well as a partner can exacerbate tensions. I went through this experience as well and honestly, it’s so much nicer living with only my partner and not having someone around that was actively uncomfortable to live with. Just added this because I seem to remember a roommate situation who you didn’t get on with.

Dear Seaturtle:

“We are extremely physically compatible, like at times what we do feels like absolute  MAGIC   I feel I see the heavens and stars for multiple seconds at a time BUT” (July 29)- BUT when the magic doesn’t last and last; Hatch is still hurting, still distressed, still UNSEEN.

“He is supportive, he encourages me to do what I LOVE… He is not afraid of commitment with me, he talks about kids, willing to be a stay at home dad or be the bread winner, whatever I want!! He is truly a stand up man, he is so kind and deeply cares for those around him“-

-The adult part of you sees these things about your boyfriend (N). But Hatch- for whom there is no distinction between Past and Present – does not see a supportive man who encourages her to do what she loves; she does not see a stand up man when she looks at N. Instead, she sees her father who does the opposite of encouraging or supporting her.

For as long as Hatch has significant unresolved issues in regard to her father, she will keep seeing him in N (and in other people).

“Is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ??????????????“-

– I think it’s Hatch who is running away, running away from her father who is not genuinely caring or kind, a man who will not do what needs to be done for his daughter’s best interest.

“I am 24 and he is 26. I’ve had about 5 previous relationships but I ended each of them after about 3 months cause that was just how long it took me to realize they weren’t right and end it well” (October 10)- your relationship history fits my understanding that Hatch keeps seeing her father in men and.. she keeps running away, or wanting to run away (from her father).

“With my current partner, at that 3 month mark that feeling of wanting to break up was replaced with this light peaceful feeling that I could relax with him and almost like a voice was telling me he would be around for a while. It has never been a forever feeling though, but even now a fear of breaking up is that I want him in my life“-this light peaceful feeling is an indication that he is different from those who preceded him, that he may be the right man for you, or more accurately, it indicates that N may be the right man for you if and when Hatch’s significant issues in regard to her father are resolved.

“He accepts my flaws and loves me in spite, which touches me so deeply because I didn’t receive unconditional love from my father“- it doesn’t touch Hatch deeply enough .. because of these unresolved issues I keep mentioning, seeing her father in N.

“Is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ??????????????” (July 29) “The one about my father scares me more. He was very critical, I left a dish in his sink at his house, or left my backpack downstairs, basically left any trace of myself in ‘his’ house, he would get upset. in fact while I lived with him I went through a lot of suicidal thoughts and running away attempts” (October 11)-

-Hatch- for whom there is no distinction between past and present, is still living in her father’s house, still distressed, still wanting to run away.

I think I made my point, so now I will fast forward to your last post addressed to me, the one I did not yet read and respond to: in regard to the questions I asked you and your answers, I didn’t detect abuse on his part by his use of the word excuse, if he did not mean that your past childhood emotional trauma (those unresolved issues I repeatedly mentioned above) are not valid; if what he meant instead was to say that in the here-and-now experience, you felt angry at him and responded to your anger by withholding affection from him, similarly to what his mother did.

To prevent this (withholding affection) from happening, it will take you SEEING Hatch, and then understanding that N is not your father, and redirecting your anger to whom it belongs.

“Yes, this is why my mind hasn’t rested because it is at war. You’ve now seen a glimpse into what I love about him, but when I feel unseen or that distance between us, due to the TF, I want to run to someone who does see me. The fact he doesn’t SEE me is what makes me still doubt we are soulmates” (October 20)-

– (1) When I first brought up the Teflon Mind (TM) topic, I thought that he may be an extreme case of it, but I no longer think so. (2) Your father has a HUGE impact on your emotional health: it is he who introduced war into your mind and it is he who is the reason you want to run/ run away (3) There is only one person who can make Hatch feel seen, and it is not N. It has to be you, the adult part of you. You will need the help of a few other people, but primarily, it needs to be Seaturtle (the adult) SEEING Hatchling (the inner child). Once seeing how Hatch really feels, it will take doing what’s right for her. If what’s right for her is to no longer hope that her father will finally see her, and then to never talk or visit him.. then don’t (have no contact with him).

Hatch needs to be seen, and for her feelings, needs and wants to be validated and respected.. by you.

“Do you know how a feeler can learn to gain Teflon and vise versa?“-  to no longer get triggered/ distressed/ wanting to run away from a good man (N), ask Hatch: who is the bad man she keeps wanting to run away from? If she feels your commitment to SEE her and then, to do what’s right for her.. she will tell you.

anita