Dear Anita,

“The result: she felt calmer (higher) and you felt somewhat distressed (lower)”

Sometimes I wonder how many of this type of conversation I should have with someone before I distance myself from someone. Like what is the right balance in a relationship/friendship where the conversations brings you lower or higher. I suppose it just has to do with how it feels to me, but I am definitely sensitive to people bringing me lower and tend to avoid those people, what is conflicting is when it is a close friend. For example my friend P, the one in the destructive relationship, it is finally over but they still live together and he says nasty things to her and she stoops to his level in arguments, then she comes and tells me about it and I just do not want to hear it, but then I feel like I am being a bad friend.

“As far as the what-did-he-just-say, I figure he said to himself… ..#3 seems fitting: tell her that how she feels about what I said has nothing to do with what I said, but with her WRONG interpretation of what I said.”

Everything you wrote in this paragraph is so insightful to his mental state, I wish he would change this winning mentality and allow himself to be authentic and actually receive love.

“His authentic self..is one who cares about Winning at all costs…, one who cares about Power at the expense of Justice.”

And this authentic self is created by his upbrining?

“he .. is encouraging you to continue to not ask him for money.”

If he has so much, why is it so hard for him to help me financially do you think?

” F wants you to need him and he wants to pay the least for that which he wants,”

This is so interesting, just the other day I was telling M about my financial situation with my medical absence from work, she asked “won’t your dad be able to help you?” and I responded “I have already used my “ask” for the year I can’t ask for more.” So before hearing this in words that “he wants to pay the least for that which he wants,” it’s like I already knew there was some limit, the way he makes me feel like I can’t ask. Even though when we ended our conversation about my surgery, he said “let me know if you need anything,” yet he doesn’t really mean this… but an argument that we may have had in the past could have been me saying “I needed your help then” and he responds “Yea I offered it to you.” I gives so much subtext and when I read it back to him he refuses it.

“People with a conscience are complex…they struggle with getting their needs and wants satisfied, many struggle to identify what they need and want.”

“People without much conscience, people who are not concerned with doing what’s right and just for others..are not complex… If you see complexity in them it’s either your own complexity erroneously projected into them, and/ or you see a leftover bit of authenticity here and there, a leftover from the time before they moved away from their social-animal part, the part that cares to share power with others and have Win-Win interactions and relationships.”

To be honest I think I might be stuck in whether to categorize N as with or without a conscience. His roommate living with him, he often loaned him money, they covered for eachother. They often talked about this future they wanted with power and money, but I also felt the roommate was more consumed by power than N, N wasn’t the type that felt he needed to assert dominance, like his roommate or F. N was almost over0giving to people, he offered his friend in a bad situation to come live at his two bedroom house where he already had a roommate. N was humble in situations he lost, he was sad and wanted to do better, more human with a conscience to me. If no conscience people can’t share power and have a win-win, then that is not N, he literally wanted to get a huge house and have all his and my friends live in it to build community and money. This wasn’t something that intrigued me, I just wanted a real relationship with closeness to him, something that made him uncomfortable but at times he revealed he needed. Which is why I can’t help but think he is more of a conscious person that “struggle(s) with getting (his) needs and wants satisfied” and that he may be part of the “many struggle to identify what they need and want”

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

Do you think there is any possibility that N and I end up back together in a healthy relationship? Am I being unrealistic to wonder if it is possible for him to take responsibility, apologize and grow with me? I just hate being reminded of his positive attributes and that I have to go look for that again, dating sounds terrible but I want somebody, and I want parts of him. Whenever I would make a little wish on a birthday candle, fortune cookie or when he’d blow my eyelash away, I would wish that he was my soulmate, I so badly wanted it to be him and seems I still do. Is this 100% wishful thinking? I have been so patient in waiting for the right moment to get my things, the last chance I might have to talk to him, I want to do it right now, but some part of me I think is hoping this patience is for a reason and will be rewarding…

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

It has been a couple days, the fact part of me questions if a relationship with N could still work, I have not let it go completely. However, this in-between, not knowing if he is right for me is the same feeling I had when I was in the relationship. I guess I wonder if there will ever be a relationship I feel confident in, confident that I am growing in and being treated right, as well as being what they need in a partner.

N is hard for me to let go because of the good, and yes because of the guilt I feel for taking financial advantage. The way I looked at it, and we talked about, was that in a relationship sometimes one person needs the other for a time and then it switches, I felt like I was in a time needing financial support but I also expressed I would not always be there and I was trying to find my way out. Currently in my life I am already getting out and getting to a place of saving for a future home, a place I wish N got to watch me get to. I just feel like he lost trust and respect in some of my abilities, but not just that, he did not communicate it with me. Instead he was passive aggressive, then I questioned the passive aggression and he denied it…So to me yes my third eye was possibly closed when it came to money, but he did not help the situation. He would let me in on his finances so slightly, then tell me one day he can’t afford the mortgage and I thought what? you work so much how is this? he let things get so far and I had no idea what was actually going on, so yes third eye closed there. He certainly was able to see things that I wasn’t, but he didn’t talk to me, that was the difference between him and I. If I saw something I tried to help him see it too, if I didn’t see something he just blamed me saying I didn’t listen… But all I can say is I was doing my best to listen, when he said that I just felt like it was an excuse because I could not recall him trying very hard to get me to understand something, a burden I took on, trying so hard to explain and communicate with him but he couldn’t do the same.

“What I mean by a healthy relationship is a fair relationship which works for you and for him, a win-win prospect.”

Thinking about it working between N and I satisfies some feelings I am having right now. I feel lonely, having a partner is so nice because you can share your thoughts with them and they can understand your perspective of things. It satisfies my feeling of overwhelm that I have to find someone else, not only someone else but someone else that I now have higher standards for, because of my new awareness as to what I want in a relationship. N was not in touch with his feelings, if this issue was fixed then I would regret my decision of not being with him. Although there is also the fact of having more laughter in the relationship, something that wasn’t worth breaking up with someone, but now that I have a fresh start to find someone and not compromise there.

I feel like there is definitely someone out there better suited to me than N, I wish I could get rid of the pull to N altogether, but I think it is just love that makes it really hard for me, harder than I thought. He just lacked an emotional maturity and depth that was never going to work for someone life me, who is so curious about the world and is fed by the depth it brings. He said it, he was exhausted by depth… that right there could have been enough to end the relationship but I really loved him so I stayed and tried to sacrifice those things but I don’t think they are compromiseable for me. I just miss him and I wish I didn’t.

“When I suggested that you arrange to (some day, when you are able), to pay him what you think you owe him”

I have certainly thought about this a lot since you mentioned it. It would be a while longer before I can do this responsibly and not leave myself in a financially vulnerable place, but I could see myself doing this in the future. If it felt like it would help anything at that point.

“It reads like N is financially generous and (?) spent a lot of money on restaurants and entertainment with you.. while working very hard for his money…? If this has been the case, I can understand him feeling taken advantage of, financially.”

Me too, and something I would have done differently if I could go back now. But I have thought about this a lot and this is what I come up with… I question why didn’t I just get a part time job? I did apply to a few and didn’t hear back, but I also didn’t really want a job yet because I was on unemployment and I didn’t want that to stop. I was able to buy groceries for the house and N said that was enough for the time being, but I don’t think it really was, in retrospect I think he was just saying that. I wanted to find some place that was meant for me and I really was struggling to find that, I was discouraged and ended up doing lots of art. As soon as unemployment ended I got a job at an art gallery, one I tried to get before but had no response. The art gallery paid nearly the same as unemployment, the owner promised good commission and it was not true, I never made the commission he promised, and therefore my lack of spending money went on. I wanted to give the gallery a fair shot, and AZ summers aren’t good for sales anyways so I thought it was temporary, but holidays came and still barely any sales.

Throughout all that time of going through my search for what I was meant to do N didn’t understand what I was looking for in life, he would recommend these jobs but they weren’t where I wanted to be, I didn’t want to be at another job that barely makes enough money to save and I am just wasting my time for a year. I had money saved up and a very reliable care that I could have sold for 20k, but my dad took everything from me. I graduated college, moved to AZ and my car was stolen, 20k in insurance money my dad claimed to himself, gave me nothing and said good luck. I had paid thousands on the car and had over a thousand worth of items packed in the car for my trip, but since he paid for my insurance while I was in college (something he offered) he undoubtedly thought the insurance money was all his. With this heartless act on my dads part, I moved to AZ with nothing. I would never have moved if this happened before, but it was days before our move and N already purchased a home in AZ so I felt stuck. It was way harder to get back on my feet from that loss, then I thought it would be. I thought N was sympathetic to this, but I don’t think he truly understood how depressed mentally and financially my dad had caused me to be. The only clear voice I received while living with N was to move out of there, after a couple months I heard this voice, but I thought it was fear so I ignored it. It got louder, so I did. There were moments N and I thought we were eachothers whole future, but I also didn’t like the visions I had of us in the future. I wanted to talk more about our visions but all he had was what he wanted for himself, not “us.” I had a hard time visualizing my place in his future. I wanted to talk about things like this but I felt shut down by him, he didn’t want to talk about “serious” things and just wanted to have fun. And we did have fun together and I miss that.

I guess my life has gotten serious all the sudden, so much real life happening, my surgery, bills, my job change this year, and I just wish I had my friend here with me. But I still don’t see a romantic future because he did not want to have the deep real conversations we needed to align ourselves and our future. I feel like needs a simpler girl, that requires less conversation and is more willing to go along with his plans.

He also needs someone who is riskier than me, his riskiness stressed me out. With is little nephew he was so rough and it scared me. We went swimming at a watering hole and I had this bathing suit on that I knew he liked, I asked him if he thought it was sexy and his response was “I think if you did a flip off that ledge it would be sexy.” something that had absolutely no interest to me… you want me to walk barefoot up that jagged rock and flip off into that rocky water? no. He did not appreciate that I am a more delicate woman type, I am adventurous yes I love to explore, and I would even sky dive, but I just didn’t want to do the injury prone things he did like mountain biking and flipping off ledges. When I didn’t do those things I didn’t feel desired by him. This is helping me remember why him and I just aren’t suited in too many ways. He made a good friend but not a good romantic partner.

And yes, the weed is something I don’t want to compromise. I think it can be fun recreationally, but not nightly, especially since it only distanced him MORE from his real feelings. He had a false sense of feeling after he smoked, like when someone apologizes after they’ve been drinking and it just doesn’t mean much.

Living in that home was not healthy for me. And the person I live with should be.. When I communicated my feelings he fed off my tears then did it again and again. We had a good friendship but not healthy romantic. I wonder if a friendship with him would be healthy or possible, and if our sexual compatibility would be interruptive or a part of the friendship. But overall, I want to grow, and if that relationship with him would keep be stunted then it would not be worth it. I am happier out of the relationship! and that should be the bottom line. I have left the emotional roller coaster, I truly have, I was on a huge one and I truly feel I have exited. I miss the highs of that roller coaster, but not the lows. I deserve a steadier roller coaster. I honestly did my best in that relationship, I was willing to own up to my faults, he was not (soberly anyways).

I am going to start writing a book. I feel like I am at such an interesting time in my life where I am heading for great things and how cool would it be to write a book about how my life is and is going and get to record the good things as they happen. I know a better partner is out there for me and perhaps I will write my book right into him, but first after finding my confidence being out of the relationship with N. I need to move on and I need to get my passport. It is sunny outside and I am missing it worrying that N is the best thing I will ever be offered in life but that is a lie.

Seaturtle…swimming