edit: I am glad replying to my post kept you entertained during the boring treadmill!

Dear Anita,

Thank you for what you wrote in your first paragraph.

I think part of what keeps me from messaging N is that, knowing him, I think there is a 75% chance that he would use that as an opportunity to reject me, as to try to hurt me. I feel empowered by the fact that I left the situation, and giving that up, would be harder than the feeling of being alone. The only times I have found myself tempted, are when I am out with my roommate, and I want to be rescued... We went out thursday night, and at a certain point I thought ‘If I was still with N right now I would text him to come pick me up because I want to go home.’ Two other times I was tempted, was before Christmas when I hurt my knee, I thought ‘if we were together he could come pick me up and take me home right now and take care of me.’ The other time was when I was sick and wanted to be cared for again. Sexually, I am not tempted.. which surprises me because I thought that would be a harder temptation, but instead I predict that if I did, the options are either rejection, like I mentioned above, or he would come over but he would be rough with me and I would end up with hurt feelings, which again is a worse feeling than loneliness. All these reasons I have been tempted are areas I know, I need to be here for myself, take care of myself. It is not an easy thing to accept, because I do want help sometimes, but I just have to remember taking care of me now, will only make it that much sweeter when I do meet someone who wants to support me.

“He might (mis)use the fact that you broke up with him against you and keep you shut in that cage for good, feeling too guilty to break up with him again.”

And yes, getting back with him permanently could definitely be unhealthy for this reason. The thing is, to get back with him permanently he would have to be the opposite to who he is…(just thought of that phrasing now) He would have to come to me, genuinely apologetic, and dedicated to winning me back and making me feel seen and heard, all things that are not who he is right now, he would need to have a very big revelation and change who he is for me to feel like he could love me correctly with 0% intimidation and 100% adoration. Last night I dreamt of him, but he was different. I was sad, feeling unseen, and he grabbed me, recognizing my sadness and genuinely asking me “what do you need?” that is who I wanted him to be. I woke up, and despite what you might think, did not miss him, in fact I recognized immediately that that was not him.

” I think that it’s important for him to win in a variety of contexts, including in the romantic.”

He is a puzzle to me, for reasons such as mentioned earlier, that he would push me to do things I liked like acting in the play and paying for me to go to improv class when I couldn’t afford it. Encouraging my painting, wanting me strong but not strong enough.. another puzzling fact is this; I am very coordinated athletically and mentally in games. I often pick up sports and games very quickly and often win. When we went to an arcade for the first time I beat him and his friend at all the table games, it drove his friend crazy, but N was unbothered, if anything enjoyed watching me beat his friend. I beat N at pickle ball every time, when he won it was because I went a little bit easy because I felt bad! But he was never a sore loser with games, for being a professional athlete he was not very competitive, and I know what competitive looks like because my whole family is, board games being flipped over, crying, straight up bullying in games with my dads family, but it is also cause everyone is so good, when I play with my family I do not always win, but with friends, pretty much every time. I am very competitive. But it didn’t seem like winning was super important to N… honestly him winning in that board game at his house with his mom, felt unlike him.

“I hope that … this kind of hope, or desire to change a man from low to high vibrations is not in the core of your attraction to a man.”

ME TOO. But I don’t think it is… I think I settle for less than what I want, like earlier when I said N was an upgrade from my parents. When N was late for the first couple dates, I almost broke it off, I was so close but then there was something about him that I felt like it was premature to end the relationship… in fact I wonder about this, after he had literally stood me up and I was so upset, I ended it, then the next day I didn’t feel right about it…I had a vision of it being like I was tearing out a little green root, like I was prematurely giving up on something that could grow. I thought that vision was from a good place, I wonder now where it came from, or maybe It was from the right place and I was meant to go through that relationship to learn what I have? It is hard for me to write off that vision as wrong, because I remember it feeling like intuition.

I think where my mistakes staying in the relationship began, was at 6 months. That is when we had the shroom experience, and I lost a lot of trust for him. The whole week after the experience, I remember being disappointed because doubts about the relationship entered my mind for the first time! I was upset they were there. But at that point I felt too attached to him, and thought I could solve the doubts. In trying to solve them I learned a lot about myself and what to look for (and look out for) in a future relationship, so perhaps it was all mean to be.

But funny how, 2 months in I fell in love…those six months felt wonderful. From trips to families meeting, to laying in bed on Sundays, going to the local thai restaurants, we are both foodies and loved the asian cuisine in Seattle. Then as I have mentioned before, our physical chemistry was everything I thought it should be and more. Those 6 months were heaven, I was so upset when those doubts entered, I remember wondering ‘why now, why couldn’t I had these doubts before I got this attached?’ ‘I have never been with someone for 6 months, maybe this is normal.’ ‘I do not trust him to take care of me.’ ‘I love him.’ ‘These doubts are the shrooms fault, this is a mind game and the bad trip is just lingering.’ I had nightmares about him and avoided him that week as I knew I wouldn’t be good company. Eventually the doubts got quieter and the 6 month love feeling was now at 80%, not like 100% as before but at least it was at 80 while the doubts quieted to 20. I remember having doubts right before moving to AZ, doubts about us and the new location, but I called if fear, rather than intuition.

I am happy I am living here with Molly, so I suppose there was some intuition that moving here was right, but there was a cloud as well, the cloud being living with N. A month or so after our cars were stolen, but we still made it to AZ I remember wondering if them getting stolen was a sign to not come here.. But I also thought it was a blessing in disguise that we got to do the long drive together. The drive down was a blast, we stopped in several places, another new years experience with him. Then when we lived together, we were both home a lot, as we were figuring out our job situations, it felt like a second honeymoon phase, together every single day. But then the roommate situation took away from it. causing our first ever consistent arguments. A mix of good and bad, then I moved out and saw all the bad, and left permanently.

In conclusion, I think the solution is for me to see the low vibrations, before getting so attached. Once I am attached, I want to help them increase their vibrations.

“(1) habit. It’s easier for me to walk that it is to not walk.”

I need some sort of healthy habit to start right now. For a while it was yoga, then I got sick and hurt my knee and couldn’t go, then my membership expired and it is too expensive for me to join at this time. The gym is so boring, but with my roommate it is more fun, but our schedules vary so it is hard to make a consistent habit of it. I do have a nice trail behind my apartment that I could walk more, but I get bored..

Seaturtle

Good morning Anita,

Recently I have thought a lot about how N had a lack of respect for me. He questioned how I did things often and I don’t believe you gaslight and lie to someone you respect. Being late to dates, prioritizing his work over my time, he prioritized him time over my time and he didn’t think anything was wrong with those things. He left messes at my apartment, which I found rude and almost straight spiteful as if he was trying to purposely take full advantage since he felt I took advantage of him at his home. He straight up told me I worried about things that didn’t matter, he did not respect me.

Anyways, I have a theory on this respect. You wrote “What threatens him? That you will see through him, that you will see what he sees: a man beautiful or valuable on the outside, but not on the inside (as he sees himself).” If he sees himself as not valuable on the inside, then he must not respect himself right? so by that logic, how could he respect someone who respected him.. It makes me wonder, did he earn respect for me leaving him? If he truly agrees he is not valuable, then he must respect someone who does not want something invaluable, thereby lacking respect for anyone that thinks he is valuable… what do you think about this?

I have another pondering question/thought I’d like to hear your opinion on. I do not wish that he had contacted me in this past month and a half, since the breakup. However, I wonder why he hasn’t, I am not wondering out of sadness I am wondering out of curiosity. Because when I told him at first I wanted to move out he literally said no, not that I couldn’t do it but no as in he didn’t like the idea when I asked. Hm, I am having a memory right now; at fourth of july, when he came to stay with my family over the summer at the beach, I was emotional one day and drinking and I felt unseen again by him. I wanted to spend more time with him but he kept disappearing without letting me know where or when he would be back and when I told him that hurt my feelings he said I was just being dramatic, in that moment more tears came and I wanted to be away from N, so I started to walk away but he grabbed my arm and said “no don’t leave, come here” and gave me a hug. At the time I thought it was sweet. I wonder if it is because of how I broke up, the strength I exuded! If I would have been in tears walking away, he may have grabbed back, perhaps that is even explanatory of his comment to my sister that “I just can’t get over how coldly she ended it.” I wonder if this is the thought he would have when considering reaching out… The drama liking part of me, a part I cannot ignore but know is not healthy, wishes I did it in a sad way so that he did reach out to make me feel good. That it would have been somewhat satisfying to end it sad, then have him try to come back, THEN end it strong/ “cold.” But I guess it is a good thing I broke up with him with an open third eye, not allowing tears to even come to my eyes because I was so set. If you think about it I did him a favor too, if only he could see it.

All this is a theory, is putting energy into the thinking of these theories healthy? Part of me thinks yes, because it could be helping me get to know myself and my true desires. The other part of me thinks no, because after I think them, I feel strange energy on me, like a small dose of what it would have ACTUALLY felt like. You know when you imagine something and you can feel it a little bit.. so I wonder if feeling it is good or bad for me.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

” A necessary part of healing is grieving what you never received as a child, and never will- because you are no longer a child.”

This is helpful. I will never receive what I needed before, but no need to repeat that pattern and not receive it in my future right? I understand “0% intimidation and 100% adoration” is unrealistic and I certainly do not prefer a love bombing situation over a lack of caring about how I feel, something in the middle. If there is intimidation on their part, if that is just a masculine trait then I will just need my third I with me to spot it and not let it control me.

“Part of healing, following the grieving of growing up unseen, is to lower this expectation.”

So I need to neutralize this EXTRA need to be seen, before I can actually be satisfied with the amount a healthy partner will see me. This makes alot of sense, for a long time I have felt instinctually that I would be disappointed in this way, but over time this fear has dimmed, so perhaps I have already done some healing over many years. I started to acknowledge my dads lack of genuine care when I was little, at 17 years old, so that is 7 years. Although during that time I wasn’t consciously trying to heal, it was just trying to bring awareness to my past and present feelings. I want to consciously heal, in order to fully neutralize this EXTRA desire to be seen, do I need to see myself? Or perhaps I need to “grieve” my lack of being seen, how do I grieve and lower my expectations?

“– I think that this may be true to you, and that’s why you had crushes on, and had your focus on (in middle and high school, and onward..?) guys who were not interested in you romantically, not respecting/ having crushes on guys who were interested in you…?”

Oh interesting, so I was like N in that I didn’t respect myself/ didn’t want people to see who I was on the inside? You think I would have lost interest for those guys if they gained interest?

 “Respect is too much of a human experience of cognition+ emotion, and I think of N operating like a spider: instinctually.”

This may be true. Also a thought I have had a couple time, N absolutely hated spiders hahaha.

“– in the past, when you walked away from him crying, or when you had a panic attack in the closet.. it was like a fly shaking his spider web, stimulating him into reaching out to the fly. A cold/ unmoving fly does not vibrate a spider’s web.. so he doesn’t reach out to it.”

I understand the literal meaning of this with an actual spider and fly, but how does the analogy transfer to a human relationship? Is it that he sees me about to leave he wants to stop it from happening, whereas if I move too quickly he doesn’t get a chance?

“(I did not understand the last paragraph of your most recent post of yesterday, “what it would have ACTUALLY felt like”..?)”

I just find myself falling into daydreams of if I had said something else at the breakup, what would have happened, or re-living moments to see what went wrong. And I was wondering if it was a productive thing for me to do or if I should attempt to shut those thoughts down.

Happy Monday Anita, I appreciate you being here to talk to me through and since my breakup. It is very helpful for me and a very motivating way for me to journal, process and grieve in the healthiest way I can.

Seaturtle