Anita,

“– imagine choosing your own Aware- Seaturtle’s standards of what a good partner means is in your life vs relative standards, (relative to your father, in this case). A highly vibrating crown chakra will not be confined to one’s childhood/ past standards.”

I am reading one paragraph at a time and responding, like usual, and find it cool that I am reading this after, above, asking you about “standards.” I like this alot, and is what I want, to have my own standards, and not be confined by my childhood experiences.

“- imagine a carefree childhood where the child does not worry about what her parent is thinking and feeling.”

Sounds lovely and foreign.

“His heart chakra’s vibrations are low. Not his fault. Thing is, no point in hitting a rock with a stick trying to get water out of it (not after a long-enough period of time of hitting it and then understanding what happened/ is happening).”

I went out with my roommate last night, actually we spent the whole day together, went to the library where I sat and replied to your messages yesterday. We then did a little shopping, then went grocery shopping for dinner and she wanted to dye her hair! I actually have cut my other friends hair and when my roommate asked me I did a good job again, then she asked if I would dye it and I am so proud of how it turned out! only semi permanent, but it looks so good and we had so much fun, we made little cocktails then after getting ready went to a fun bar and ordered espresso martinis and planned a future vacation together haha. Anyways I bring this up because I am a bit hungover, and it makes me a little loopy, so I wonder if it is because of that but, all this to say, I don’t quite understand the bolded quote above, could you explain it more? I am also curious as to why his heart chakra vibrations are lower than mine and why it is unchangeable?

 “One lesson: when you spot a possibility of a manipulative technique in-progress, expose it to the possible manipulator. If she/ he expresses any introspection and considers your input, then that’s good. If  he/ she continues with the same manipulative technique but with a twist (like M did in this example, making you feel bad about her feeling bad… over making you feel bad) or changes to another manipulative technique (like F does when he changes a topic, or when he lies), then you know who and what you are dealing with.”

I am excited to know this! I fear being manipulated again, so I am glad my third eye muscle is strengthening so that I won’t be. I wonder how the manipulator feels, when they are scrambling for their next manipulation tactic.. why they do this rather than just be authentic?

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

in response to your final post,

“But let’s say that your motivation was to redirect his attention away from your lie: could you accept that you, Seaturtle, were not a perfect specimen back then.. and never will be one? Accept this while continuing to become (a process) a better and better human being?”

Yes I can accept that. I feel like actually I would be more uncomfortable thinking I was perfect, because if I am then how can I get better? I enjoy being inspired to be better, and for that reason I believe, learned to find joy when I discover something I did wrong, so that I can look inside and discover something knew about myself! Also, it is hard to accept certain things when they are particularly embarrassing, or just really don’t resonate with you… but the cool cycle is that if you keep your mind open to hear your mistakes and correct them along the way, it is much easier than shutting them down and then getting so far from who you are, that you are unfamiliar with your truest self.. my nightmare!

“– Having witnessed M’s manipulative tears aimed at disarming F while not changing her own wrong behaviors, you didn’t and you don’t want to be like her, so you question your own tears.. M took away from you the privilege of simply crying.“

Wow I love this insight. Doubting my own tears… that is very sad. So then when I had those tears, when talking with F about intense things, usually such as money or the “housecleaning” meetings where he would list how I had shown my ungratefulness… those tears, what did they mean?

“-the other side of the story is that you tried to make N someone who he is not, so to get what you validly need in a relationship, all along thinking that it’d benefit him as well if he was.. someone who he is not. Your error is in doing this for too long, and so, in totality, you have hurt yourself and you didn’t help him, maybe you made him feel worse about himself than he felt before you being in his life.”

I could see this being true, in many ways. Sad he will blame me for feeling worse about himself now, when I guess it is technically my fault for shining light on parts of him that he did not like.

“If this is what happened, you have to forgive yourself because you weren’t aware back then.”

You know what Anita, I have had the sense recently that I need to forgive myself in some ways for things in the relationship, and I have been trying to discover what they are, and this is certainly one! So far I had just come up with forgiving myself for not starting work earlier… despite his words, I think I knew I was pushing it as far as how long it was taking me to find a job that I wanted to be at. I look back and I wonder if I could have sped up the process if I put more energy into it, but I need to forgive myself, knowing I did not have the energy, or I would have done so. Trying to change him/us, took up that energy. So he was double suffering, had someone he loved trying to change him and not having a partner contribute to rent. I wonder, how do I forgive myself?

 “You saw N through their eyes, not through your 3rd eye. So, you tried to make it work.”

Exactly, I saw him through everyone’s eyes, cause I needed help, I needed more eyes, and by the time mine opened I ended the relationship the next day. That day I remember just seeing a different person infront of me all the sudden, as I put it in an earlier post ‘my rose colored glasses were suddenly removed.’

“So, in the future, see a man through your 3rd eye and if he is not what you need, let him go.”

I need to strengthen this third eye before getting involved in other relationships, because right now my sacral and heart are way more developed, and make more decisions than my third eye.

“you have 3 options: (1) to stay with him and ask no questions (hatchling/ Seaturtle in a cage), (2) stay with him and keep asking questions, and getting infuriated, (3) having mercy on the two of you, wishing him well and existing the relationship.”

Exactly and I exhausted 1 and 2, and it was very taxing on my well-being.

“The 3rd option is the empathetic and crown chakra’s fueled answer, both heart and crown chakras vibrating in unison.”

What is the hearts role in this?

“It occurred to me a long time ago, by the way, that maybe part of his attraction to you was that your father is financially well off, maybe rich…?”

Interesting question, because he did like my dad. He took advantage when we were on vacation with him to ask him financial advice. My dad is very intelligent, and he soaked up what my dad taught him like a sponge, an equally enjoyable conversation between them though, because my dad loves to teach, especially to someone who is really listening. I honestly enjoyed it too, I love to watch when two people I introduce get along, it vibrates my heart chakra. And I was glad N was asking him good questions, I wanted N to be successful. Now I am not sure I can say the same though…I never want N to feel like he could say to me “told you so.” But I know that is not my job to teach him a lesson, or wish it upon him, but I do want him to receive his Karma, not just that thought I want him to know why he is getting Karma, but that is just wishful thinking.

I wrote: “he worked 10pm-5pm the next day! He worked 20 hour shifts back to back, he slept in his truck… I sort of rescued him, I showed him how ridiculous it was , he told me, after he quit that I am the one that got him out. He was in a loop and I showed genuine concern and showed him” and you responded: “you helped to work fewer hours, for one. Good thing.”

After I read this I thought back to what you said “maybe you made him feel worse about himself than he felt before you being in his life.” Although this may still be true, if he allows him to think about it he could be still working for his dad suffering back home, instead I advised him out of there and to move to AZ with me, where he bought a home (before he met me he was looking to buy in WA) but now he has a home here and started a business with his friend who lives here. Our relationship certainly guided him to better places whether he wants to admit it or not.

Haha I think sarcasm can be fun at times, but it usually does not working over messaging, unless you just expect it from someone. And perhaps time for a new computer? I started copying my messages before hitting send and it has saved me from having to re type responses!

I hope you have a happy Saturday Anita 🙂

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

This is a journal entry on another topic that has been on my mind the past 24 hours, and I would love your advice and thoughts.

(1)I have always loved the idea of having a ‘girl group’ of friends, multiple perspectives and multiple people to be there for you. When I watch of Sex in the City (the movie/show) I want what they have. Even in the tv show Friends, the group of friends, even just the three girls having eachother. Despite having this desire I have found myself, over the years since highschool, found myself avoiding mixing certain friends… I had this friend, G, she was my first real friend, she lived down the street and her parents were often not home so she would spend the summers with me and my family. We went to different schools for a while, but once I joined her public school, instead of helping me make friends, it was more like some competition to show me all the friends she made… From this point on, I made other friends on my own, because I couldn’t rely on her ‘in school.’ I made good friends, all temporarily though in classes, but then I met a girl T, who I really liked and got along with, we would spend lunches together freshman year. T told me one time she felt weird because G had reached out to her to hangout… I thought this was weird too, G didn’t even know T but through me. I didn’t like this but it was ignored because T didn’t desire to respond. G was fun to be with outside of school and without other girls OR boys around. (literally told the boy I liked in middle school that I liked him! and that she did too!) But then she apologized, that was in 8th grade and it wasn’t until sophomore year (10th grade) I was able to go hangout with her again, with walls up.

(2)Since then G has been in bad relationships where guys cheat on her and she stays, they are mean to her and she cries to me, then I try to tell her to leave and she stays with them. Last year I had to tell G that I could no longer answer her long calls to vent about these men that she would only go back to, in fact days before breaking up with N when you told me that you could no longer hear about his gaslighting, I was reminded of this. Anyways I don’t want this bad relationship to affect how I approach other friends, with walls up.

(3)Then there is P, we connected sophomore year and have been the best friendship I have had since then. She is always a phone call away, and she was a big reason I chose to move to AZ, where she moved a couple years ago. Although since I have lived here this past year, she has been consumed with this relationship, that from the outside seemed obviously toxic to me, but love is blind. Her eyes were recently opened, she fell out of love but is paying a lease with him until october. In the mean time being around him and draining her in every way. The three options you shared with me yesterday “you have 3 options: (1) to stay with him and ask no questions (hatchling/ Seaturtle in a cage), (2) stay with him and keep asking questions, and getting infuriated, (3) having mercy on the two of you, wishing him well and existing the relationship.” P is confined to option 1, until she can move out. Just yesterday she came over to go on a walk with me, I asked her how she was, and she just burst into tears. Saying she feels stupid for moving in with this man, she knew it was wrong and just ignored her intuition, she said he brings out the worst in her, now they are just roommates who argue.

(4) The difference between G and P, is that G continues to return to the men. I can tell P knows what she deserves and it is no longer this situation. G, for example, would cry one minute, then the next be like “oh wait I think we can actually make it work.” Whereas P, is very set on it never working, I trust she would not go back. This redeeming quality in P, plus how mentally healthy I have seen her in the past, is why I stick by P, through a hard time right now. However I do find I am protective of my energy around her… I want to be there for her, but not let it bring me down, which I think she is good at not over-staying her welcome, a Quality G did not have. I feel like to have lasting friends you need to be there for them through the hard parts, and you just need to decide which friends you believe are growing and who would keep you stagnant. P has brought me up before, now it is my turn to be there for her.

(5)I am so beyond thankful for my roommate, R (I have called her M in the past but I don’t want to use the same letter I use for my mom, so I will change hers to R for Roommate). She was the one who told me, before breaking up with N, that she would be there for me, she said “let’s do it, I can be here for you” she brought me ice cream the night of the breakup, leaving her current date early. Since then I have spent alot of time with R, days I would usually have spent with N. When R works I get some needed alone time as well. The other night when we went out, I shared with her my desire to go visit Louisiana, potentially my next home! I love everything that I have read, and I do not love AZ, I have been asking my higher self, where next? for a long time but am patient for the answer. Then a few days ago I sat in silence and felt the desire to look at a map, I want to live by a large body of water, the coast perhaps, as I looked along the coast, ruling out certain states I found myself at New Orleans, a place I have been wanting to visit for a while. I looked up the culture and so far am so intrigued. The night we went out I told her about it, she got excited for me and said she could see me there. She said she would love to go visit with me! save up together and go explore, this morning we talked more about budgeting and planning the trip.

(6)So here is my dilemma. I have invited P and R to hangout the three of us twice, both times I sort of felt it was overtaken by P. I think it is because in her living situation now, she doesn’t get to express herself, so it comes out in bursts when she is out and it is hard for others to get a word in. Personally I have found my time with R more enjoyable, and feeding to me. But yesterday when P came over, she made a comment, seeing a picture of me and R’s night out, she said “I would have come out with you guys! I have been home just sad.” I didn’t really respond, but I was thinking, ‘I am happy it was just me and R.’ As I spent the evening with P last night, I kept thinking ‘should I mention the New Orleans trip?’ I didn’t, because I wasn’t sure what I would say if she asked to come. I sort of just want to go with just R. But, to come full circle to the beginning of this post, I have always wanted a ‘girl group,’ yet here I am denying it? Intuition or fear?! here we are again. Is it ever fear? I have been this way for so long, ever since keeping G away from T, freshman year of highschool (who I mention at the beginning of this post). I wonder if I am pushing away my opportunities for a girl group, or if being with one person at a time is best for me.

(7) The interesting thing is, R came home this morning, right between paragraphs 4-5 (i will number them now so it is clearer). I asked her about her night at a birthday party last night, then we got to talking about our New Orleans trip, when it would be the best time and how long we would need to save. Then she brought up “and you know I was thinking about if we should invite other girls, but I think it should just be us since we have similar goals going and mixing up what everyone wants to do might take away from our both wanting to just explore.” I found this so interesting because I was just here journaling about that question and she brought it up without me even saying anything about that. The same things were on her mind as mine.

Anyways, I appreciate this space to journal and if you do have some insights as to my friendship patterns, or anything, I’d love to hear.

Happy Sunday! (smiling sunshine emoji)

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

My third I potentially, I just asked myself, would I have been in the closet, anxious, if I had an authentic and open third eye chakra, in the first place?

I remember mentioning before here, that at times I felt like N would cause me pain, then also console me for it… confusing.

But there were times I felt genuinely happy with him, I think about our day trip in Las Vegas the day after new years last year, he grabbed me and kissed me in the middle of a huge beautiful walkway, i was so happy in that moment, I have it on video actually and ran across it the other day and watched it. Perhaps a bad decision, but it did happen why hide from it.

“what does my heart want deep inside and what can I do to give it what it truly wants today and every day?”

That is my current question, what does my heart truly want. I do know that R, is fulfilling some of my hearts needs right now which is so nice to have.

to send him positive thoughts and a positive sentiment over a distance, not to deliver these to him directly, or in-person.”

I wonder how this will bring me some peace.

Seaturtle