Dear Anita,

“– their sympathy for him probably triggers your (invalid, unjustified) guilt in regard to breaking up with N, part of you believing that N is a good guy vs you, the bad guy. But that part is wrong.”

It does trigger this. It also triggers, what I think might be a larger trigger, that I feel again unseen. Just as I came to this sight with my very first post about N, and was not seen, even when I tell my mom, my close friend, they don’t see the gravity of the issues with N. Being in a high vibrational unison with my crown chakra was lonely in my relationship, and it is also outside of it, quite often. Which reminds me I need to set up an email address so we can connect!

“Whenever you see N as the good guy vs you the bad guy, LOOK through your 3rd eye and see the truth.”

It is interesting you bring this up because, just today I was thinking about how I have to daily remind myself why I broke up with him, and I wondered what I am strengthening as I do that. All this work of reminding myself the truth has to be developing some sort of muscle to be able to descern truth better in the future. My third eye is this muscle.

“- when you see him as a gorgeous, beautiful man, open your 3rd eye and see him as a person who wants you to feel pain at times.”

As I read this, at first I thought it was a good idea, then I was suprised by my next thought “Did I deserve it when he tried to cause me pain,” Had I done something worth the passive aggression. I fear that I took advantage of him.. When I wasn’t working for the first few months of last year, trying to find a new job that didn’t drain me. It took me a while, in the mean time I did my art and things around the house, but I could have done more. I could have grocery shopped and cooked more for him coming home from a long day from work and I was only home job searching online and painting. He half heartedly supported me, but after it was too late, after that time he told me he felt taken advantage of and I fear his causing me pain came from him feeling taken advantage of. I think I feel a lack of energy in my third eye now, as I just tried to think about why this could be invalid but I am quite tired. My new schedule is busy on monday and tuesday, but I am available in the evening. Plus, that sickness I had back in early December is still lingering, I thought I was better for about 5 days, then I got sick again December 27th, and since then have had a sore throat and just today I vomited, very random I thought. I felt fine before then suddenly nauseous and now I am exhausted. Yes I still want to continue to read because I needed to come here to journal tonight.

– no, he knew that he was lying to you. (I am looking at him with MY 3rd eye and I am looking at you with my 3rd eye, seeing.. a girl who doesn’t want to take a boy off a pedestal, holding on to an elevated image of him).” 

Why was he lying do you think? Do you think he knew why he was wanting to hurt me? I am not sure he was aware as to why he wanted to cause harm.

” her 3rd eye is closed. She sees a gorgeous looking man. She doesn’t see a man wanting her daughter to hurt when it’s convenient for him.”

I agree with this about my mom. I fear her third eye has been closed most of her life and usually is. She is more like my brother, but less extreme, it would not shock me if she did the same thing as my brother. She even told me she wanted to (eye roll) but said very directly that would cause me harm. She does things that she thinks is right all the time, that were only clearly her heart and sacral.

“to keep your 3rd eye and crown chakras open and high vibrational means to .. be alone in the midst of low vibrational 3rd eye and crown chakras.”

I think what you said here is important for me to hear, I need to learn to be ok with this lonely feeling. Because if the only option to not feel alone in certain situations is to close that eye and crown, I don’t want to do it. I do often feel this loneliness in the midst of groups of people, less and less as I get older but I used to ache at this feeling and want to be like everyone else but as I have been learning, I want to continue to be okay with being uncomfortable rather than closing up. Because it is only if I stay open that I might find others like me, I believe.

“– a gorgeous looking man who has been okay with his girlfriend wanting out of the relationship as long as she doesn’t succeed; a spider being okay with the fly trying to disengage from its sticky web as long as it doesn’t succeed.”

How was this satisfying to him, or was he just too weak to end it himself.

“- imagine an open and high vibrational Third Eye Chakra that can see a man clearly…”

Then imagine her asking the man why his eye isn’t open, and he replies, annoyed, “you didn’t enjoy our time together I thought it was so nice?” And she replies “no it was nice… I just didn’t feel connected” and he says nothing. This is a true story.

“- growing up wanting to be seen by low vibrational F=> wanting to be seen by low vibrational N.”

Oh wow this is a good point.

I will read and reply to your next post in a separate box

Seaturtle

I will read your next post tomorrow I think, as right now I feel calm enough to wind down and hopefully not dream of him.

Goodnight Anita

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

I am responding to your most recent reply now and will reply to the cannabis disorder reply next.

“I like your unintentional substitution of sight for site. Again, Sea turtle needs to be seen. It is a non-negotiable, not to be compromized need.”

Haha, this made me laugh, funny how unintentionally accurate it was.

“ How is it possible that no one sees me, I am right here… am I here? “

Interesting  am i here.. I feel like I have had this similar out of body feeling of ‘what is my impact here, do I have one?’

“-no rush, whenever it’s convenient for you. We are communicating very well right here.”

This is how I feel as well. I want to and feel like it will happen in the right time.

Similarly I feel this way about getting my things from N. My roommate tells me to just get it over with. But I feel like I will know when is the right time.. Do you think this is true? wow as I asked this to you (and myself) I heard the title of my thread again “is it gut or fear”that does not feel it is quite the right time, or is it intuition or fear? Still hard for me to tell this difference..

“when we compromise our crown chakras so to maintain a relationship, that’s unnecessary weakness.”

Hm, I had to re-read this out loud to myself to let it sink in. A weakness that comes from the habit formed in trying to compromise it for a parent?

“You thought it was okay with him because of what he expressed to you. You can’t read minds that are not expressed in words.. even with a vibrating crown chakra and a muscular third eye!”

There was a little voice in my head that wasn’t sure if he meant what he was saying. I wondered if it would lead to passive aggression, it lead to me feeling awkward when he did pay for things, such as dinner, park passes or at the grocery store checkout. It is almost like I could feel the energy a bit, but then his words said otherwise so I would ignore the energy I felt. It was subtle, but I feel like I predicted him eventually admitting he felt a certain way, but I also hoped it wasn’t true and that his words were honest. When he finally confronted me and said out loud he felt that way, I took it, I took it very patiently and not shocked, his lack of expressing himself caused me to be on guard for something blowing up eventually. As it seems obvious to me that when you hide a feeling for so long it will eventually come out in a burst of energy, not obvious to him. Anyways I think part of my guilt comes from feeling like I knew he felt that way but ignored that feeling cause he said otherwise, unless he was passive aggressive and did say something, but later he disregarded what he said, calling it a joke and so forth.

I am working on forgiving myself, or if that isn’t the correct phrasing, then relieving myself of the guilt I feel. Because I was doing my best, and what happened happened. I was not lazy, I never felt like I was giving up I was always putting energy into something that lead me to where I am now. I spent alot of time at the gym and library, they became a homes away from home. I wasn’t sure what was next for me but I wanted to keep moving in a healthy direction, physically and mentally. This is when I read the books “the empath’s guide to survival” where I learned all the ways I took on others energy, and some ways to mentally protect myself when around negativity. I also read “the untethered soul,” where I learned that the thoughts in my head were not me, they were instead something I could witness, and if I could witness them then I am not them because I am infact the witnesser. I job searched and searched until I finally found a job I learned alot from in April. Although that job did not pay well, so N was still the majority of the pay. I did everything I could, never saved a dime as anything left over I would pay for coffee or park passes when I could spare it so he felt I was trying and would not get comfortable with him doing it all. I also contributed by being the 90% bridge between us, “communication.” He said he recognized this, but I don’t think he truly was aware or saw it’s full results and purpose. He felt work was more important, saving money and buying land and property.

“- should you test yourself for covid again.. see a doctor?”

Perhaps, medically I am working on my ovarian tumor, and right now I feel like I can only do one thing at a time. Especially since this sickness is manageable, today I feel much better. I am trying to eat as best as I can, and take vitamins, I should give myself a timeline though, I will call it one more week, if next Wednesday I am still feeling symptoms I will make an appointment.

You wrote: “When one or more of your chakras becomes blocked or unbalanced, it’s thought to have an impact on your physical….If your throat chakra is blocked or unbalanced, you may: * be fearful about speaking your personal truth * have a harder time expressing your thoughts * feel anxious about speaking or communicating. Physically..  symptoms may manifest as the following: *a raspy throat * chronic sore throat..”. It continues with healing suggestions including neck stretches and yoga poses.”

This is very interesting because I got this recurring sore throat monday morning, the morning after finding out my brother contacted N. Also, the stress of how I will get my things back and what I will say, has been heavy on me, on my throat. I wonder why I am affected more than others… I am more sensitive that anyone I have every met. For example, nicotine, it’s spiritual affects on me was enough for me to never be tempted into it again, even after lots of drinks on NYE when my roommate, M, was using one. I was tempted then remembered the affects on me and that was enough to release the pull on me. I asked her if she feels spiritually attacked in any way and she says she does get mildly anxious the following day but that it doesn’t really bother her and she’s grown to even like the anxiety… Then now, if my throat is truly feeling this way because of a blocked throat chakra, a loss of how to express myself in various ways, I doubt others would feel this. On christmas vacation, my dad took us to a vacation spot on CA, and he had purchased a home there! it was absolutely beautiful, the home was built in the 70’s and the last owners both passed away, the only way to get a house in that neighborhood. I had bad dreams every night there, I started to ask questions about previous owners, but all I found out was the wife died first, the husband followed a year or so after, and that the husband smoked… After I learned this I started to be able to smell the nicotine, I opened the windows in my room as I could smell it on the walls. I wondered, is it possible this nicotine in the walls from years ago is giving me these nightmares? similar nightmares to when I fully inhale it? Or could it be the deaths, I truly wondered if ghosts were real. I told all bad spirits to leave me alone before sleep that night, after I learned all this information. The following nights I was awake in my room for an hour before to listen to high vibrational music and dismiss any dark energy around me. I proceeded to have very vivid dreams, however they were not as evil, as the first nightmare had been. I did something to that space with my words, or perhaps just the open windows was the trick.

Anyways, I brought it up to my family members and they all make fun of me say I am doing voodoo or something, they just don’t believe in spirits, and then my brother and sister are very christian religious and think I am praying to some other god, I am certainly not seen in my family hahaha. The only one who understands me, or at least sees me whether she agrees or not, is my youngest sister. She witnesses my other sister and brothers religious behaviors and the extreme judgment in both of them and doesn’t want to be like them, she and I feel aligned in a lot of ways. I definitely feel she is one of my soulmates in this life. However she is also only 17, so I don’t overwhelm her with all the things I feel, but I open up as much as she does, which is much more than even I was able to do at 17. When it is open, Her crown chakra is a little beaming light, I love it, I am smiling as I write this, so sweet.

“I am thinking that communicating your personal, inner truth to your mother and to other people in your life more confidently and assertively (regardless of their reactions or lack of) will help. Better speak up than be quiet about matters most important to you. And when people can’t comprehend you/ don’t see you.. accept it with as much serenity as possible (not resisting it) while limiting or having no contact with them. One person seeing you.. is a good start.”

It does make me feel good, and in high vibration, when I can share my inner truth. My mom receives it well, and it is almost like her crown opens up to me, or her third eye… because she does see me. But it is only temporarily. Over time she loses what she saw, and instead of when first I told her about N and she told me to stay away from him, she loses it and weeks later says maybe he is in therapy right now…clearly third eye closed once again. It allows me to feel sadness, which I don’t like… sharing inner truth feels good, but it not being seen feels sad and hurtful. I feel the same way with my religious sister, she sees me sometimes then later almost takes it back. My (religious) sister causes me a deep sadness and pain, she treats everything I say with skpeticism, and responds to almost everything I say (when speaking spiritually) with “well the lord says…” She loses me with that cause I have already made up my mind about christianity. My brother also causes me pain, when he enters manic, he hurts people I love, like my little sister and mom, and now me. Although N is off his phone, my brother could contact him on social media or something out of a manic state, just causing me pain. He says very bluntly mean things quite often like “I judge you.” he has literally said that to me, thinks I reject “the lord” and am going to hell… he is so self righteous it also makes me very annoyed and even angry at times, I just want to close his mouth.

You see me Anita, it is something that gave me the strength to believe that there is something to see. That question you asked earlier “am i here?” I have wondered it too, in the relationship with N, and I believe You helped me along my journey to prove that I AM HERE. Part of me wonders where I would be if it weren’t for our conversation here… would I be with N? probably still trying to make it work, since my friends and family around me now would likely not discourage it, except perhaps my roommate M, the only thing is I am not sure she would vocalize her disapproval.

” I think that he knew that he was angry with you and he knew that he wanted to hurt you (all animals want to or are prepared to hurt the object of their anger), but he didn’t think much about it, didn’t contemplate it. … Lying when deflection calls for it, as well as teflon-ing otherwise, is part of his MO.”

I agree.

“- a low vibrational crown chakra does not send vibrations that are strong enough to open the 3rd eye.”

Interesting, I did not realize one follows the other.

“I don’t think that you can close that eye once (1)  you had it wide open, and (2) you endured that discomfort of being alone long-enough, and (3) you are not completely alone.”

Well then Anita I hope I have you for a long time to avoid that third condition 🙂

“he wasn’t introspective enough to end it. Introspection (an open crown chakra, an open 3rd eye) does not appear like a source of satisfaction to him.”

Yes I can see this.

“- it’s the desire of little girl Seaturtle to be seen and respected and apologized to, for all the wrong done to her.”

Is little girl seaturtle the same as hatchling?

“his ghost scares you”

It does, and so does his flesh and blood. I am afraid about getting my things, but I need my passport from him. I am afraid he will say something to harm me and I feel in too sensitive state to feel it.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“Intuition/ gut means knowing something without considering or contemplating it.. you just KNOW it.”

Well then my *intuition is that I will know when it is the right time 🙂

“I think that not trusting one’s gut is a result of  emotional predation”

Both of my parents were CCP’s, not sure who was worse but probably pretty equal. Then I upgraded to living with only F, saw my mom’s errors, removed her from the pedestal. Then I had only one CCP, compared to two. Then I upgraded to N, a CCP, but lesser of one than F. So I am swimming in the right direction. Hopefully all this “emotional predation” is making me stronger and not wearing me down.., what do you think?

You quoted: Emotional predators. com: “they claim to be the victim, usually of the person they’re in fact victimizing; they fake sincerity and make emotional displays to influence, intimidate, charm, disarm or seduce others; they pretend to be innocent and ignorant; they trap others in no-win binds where the other person is damned if they do and damned if they don’t…  they isolate and ‘gaslight’ their targets, eliciting in the targets unmerited guilt and doubt about their own sanity; they create havoc, confusion and chaos, and disrupt other people’s natural rhythms… they relentlessly manage their public image, often by omitting relevant facts (lying by omission).

As I was first reading this, “they…make emotional displays to influence…charm, disarm… others,” I thought of myself. I feel I behaved this way with F at times. When he would come to me with an issue he believed I had, it was often those moments that I conveniently decided to share something that would make him sympathize with me… For example, there were two pretty awful things my mom did, one being the last time she cheat on him and another time she did something harmful to me. Both times I revealed them to my dad they were in moments of him coming at me with something, the first time I had gotten in a car accident and tried to hide it (at 16) in order to protect my friend, who hit it. And also to protect my location, I was at a different place at the time than I said I was. When my dad confronted me about lying, we had a long conversation and as we were resolving it… actually pause on my theory here, because it was as my dad and I were having a moment of resolve and I felt closer to him that, that I felt obligated to tell him about my mom. I was going to say I used telling him to relinquish attention on what I had done… but now that I am writing it I think it was more that our resolve, apology and his forgiveness made me feel I owed him emotional honesty. Interesting. See when I first read your response (the one I bolded and quoted) I thought maybe I had been like that before, emotional displays to disarm… and I wasn’t “claim[ing] to be the victim…of the person [I was] in fact victimizing;”

My confusion on emotional sincerity is literally making me question my own emotions, I do not want to be like my parents. The example my mom set for me was that when my dad was upset with her (for money or cheating) she would always cry, I think to disarm him. I wonder if this contributes to why confrontation with my dad was so hard when I lived there, I literally had to preface my confrontation to him with, “I will probably cry right now but they aren’t tears of sadness they just happen.” I wonder if my mom “insincerely” crying when my dad would confront her about real issues…. has something to with why I would have involuntary tears come to my face quite often when trying to have a confrontational talk with my dad. Less now, it has actually been years since I have had a real confrontation with him so I am not sure if this is still a bodily instinct.

This theory evolved as I wrote it, interesting what I came up with though and I am curious what you think…

I have another thought, you wrote “your gut is stronger but the fear that you are making a mistake and letting a good guy go still lingers.” I wonder if my original instinct to wonder if I was in the wrong, when reading your quote from emotional predators .com, above, was this fear still lingering..? It is just hard for me to accept that everything was N’s fault, that seems like a slippery slope, I must have done some bad too right? You know when you read information that is so one sided, and you wonder, well I wonder the other side of the story… I wonder this, the more one sided I present the relationship, as in he did the most wrong, then what is the other side of the story as to make it more reliable information… the self doubt here…

” They avoid giving direct answers to simple questions or requests…”

Wow when I read this, it has N written all over it. This drove my crazy, I would ask the most direct and simple a question could be and he would act like I was speaking another language, it was infuriating actually.

“Books like Protecting Yourself from Emotional Predators”

I need this book.

“he presented himself in these ways but there were significant disconnects in his presentations that you couldn’t exactly put your finger on.”

Exactly.

“His words didn’t fit his energy- you said it yourself. His words were not sincere.”

I questioned his sincerity/ authenticity once, towards the end, and he was really offended. Another example of an emotional predator.

“You can’t fix interpersonal dishonesty and you couldn’t have fixed it back when you lived with him. Even if you paid the whole rent and all utilities and expenses for the whole time you lived with him, he’d still be him.”

Interesting here, because as I read this I noticed, there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe this… Because he said it! He made me feel that if I did those things he would be more available, emotionally. He said specifc things like this, I can’t remember exact words but just little comments that he would respect me more, have more to give me emotionally, if I brought home alot of money. It would even temporarily inspired me into thinking that is what I wanted, and feasible to me, but then in reality it was not what I really cared about.

“– thoroughly understand and remember the affects N  has had on you and will continue to have on you if you go back to him (continuing to be emotionally attacked by an emotional predator), and it should be enough to release the pull he has on you. You will not be tempted to go back to him.”

I like this!

“We are willing to see what is inconvenient to see about ourselves, don’t we? We care about being honest with ourselves and with others for the purpose of seeing and being seen.”

We do! I welcome constructive criticism, I want to see myself! I think a huge drive for me to be this way was constantly being told I was something (by F) that did not resonate with me. He showed me what I wasn’t and I didn’t like it and needed to prove to myself that wasn’t who I was, and to do so I had to learn to see me! I think this was my main drive to go to therapy, for another perspective on me and my relationship with F. I would ask her, please tell me if I am in the wrong her I want to see this correctly.

“N is not interested in being seen as he is, this is why he deceives.” 

Wow. you are so right he was not interested in being seen, and I wanted to see him so badly, I thought If I tried hard enough I could…. wow.

“problem is that his mental strength is rooted in interpersonal dishonesty”

This is so tricky because he would say mental strength advice, and it felt useful to me, so I would then believe he is a good partner because he is providing me with things that are making me better. But then his mental strength being rooted in interpersonal dishonesty appeared in other ways, I didn’t see him as lacking mental strength, he lacked honesty which is like a liar giving you nutrition facts… the nutrition facts might be true, so in a nutritional conversation they appear very smart and honest, then they lie in other areas of life so it is harder to make the connection to their dishonesty, because they were honest sometimes. 

“- this made me feel empathy for him, and concern.”

It is certainly concerning (the substances he used and probably still uses). I gain empathy for it when I think about how his dad is an avid cannabis enthusiast/smoker, like literally always has a joint in his pocket hiding it from his wife, who pretends she doesn’t see it… a lifetime I certainly don’t want/afraid of when I saw his parents. I gain empathy for N when I think of his fathers example, offering N to smoke with him when he was only 14. so sad. Then also when he hired N, in 2020 after his football career ended, he hired him with an insulting wage and insane hours, when I met N he went to work at 10pm (he was in fiber optic installations, so it makes sense it was late, but it is the hours that were concerning.) he worked 10pm-5pm the next day! He worked 20 hour shifts back to back, he slept in his truck, all of this promoting substance use, like energy drinks and nicotine like his coworkers. Him putting himself through that was concerning to me, but I sort of rescued him, I showed him how ridiculous it was , he told me, after he quit that I am the one that got him out. He was in a loop and I showed genuine concern and showed him.

“– best you can do is to not get back to him, including: to not bring children into a relationship with him, and to wish him well.”

Are you saying to not wish him well? I think you are saying to wish him well but I just thought to ask haha.

 “Accept what you cannot change in life, and change what you can, as the Serenity Prayer says. You can’t change his past, who he has become, and who he will continue to be, getting worse, so it seems. It is very sad, but if you went back to him, you’d hurt yourself further, possibly bring children to get hurt… and all along not helping him at all.”

I agree.

Seaturtle