Dear Seaturtle:

“apparently there is only risk if your blood scores over a 5 and mine was 5.1. So my surgeon said she is 99% sure it is benign, but because it scored over 5, they have a certain procedure to follow“, “I decided to postpone the surgery so that I can get the imaging done first“-

I think it’s the right decision because it’s only a 0.1 difference, and the surgeon is 99% sure it’s benign.

Which reminds me, and I don’t know how I didn’t remember earlier, but a couple or three years ago, I was told that I had a tumor “the size of a lemon” over one of my ovaries. I had blood tests and a very expensive MRI and what was discovered was that it was fibroids (benign) that sort of grew out of the uterus and ended up by an ovary. I was told that nothing needs to be done and that those fibroids will shrink over time.

“I think it was the best decision. I am proud of myself for choosing the patient option rather than just wanted to get it over with, an easier in the moment choice“- I agree, good job, thoughtful and patient Seaturtle!

“I read a lot of studies..“- a thoughtful, patient Seaturtle who educates herself on matters before making choices!

“It annoys me too, and it also reminds me of his immaturity as well as is teflon… by blocking my number he is literally trying to spray his heart with teflon.. I wonder the affects of this for him“- think of the effects of this for you, if you volunteered to a lifetime of being blocked in one way or another, leading to an across the board chakra blockage.

“Just yesterday I was feeling like my sacral chakra needed an outlet, so I went and did a workout. I thought perhaps I could use this energy to get me to the gym?“- reads like a good idea to me.

“‘A board meeting of all chakras’ made me laugh haha, but it is true! headed by the crown chakra!”- I was impressed myself with this particular crown chakra vibration that went through me.

“I don’t feel all my chakras are united right now… My heart is not ready to be with another person though, I feel like I would have flashes of N at this point and it would have the potential to satisfy the sacral and crown while harming the heart. I need an activity that my crown agrees will simultaneously satisfy my heart and sacral chakra. Working out though, I don’t think my heart cares for that…“- how about combining exercise and the writing (typing) of Love Poems. I remember the one you shared here, I liked it!

Good to read back from you so soon (heart chakra emoji)

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I need to be more focused so to read as attentively as I can, with open chakras, which I expect to happen in the morning. I will think about ideas for you doing something creative which will make money on my walk next.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“Last night I found out he did in fact block me… This sent so many emotions through me I wrote the following“- I didn’t read what comes next, but I want to say at this point that he blocked you, at least in part, because he wanted to.. send some pain and turbulence to you, so that it (pain) vibrates within and through you.

“Tonight on January 4th I miss parts of n, but I also don’t. It is as if he is home and I cannot go home. I know that I will form another home inside me, and be my own home again but right now my heart still aches“-  there it is, the ache aka pain vibrating. I like the resolution preceding your mention of pain.

“Why do I want him to feel pain right now? It brings me satisfaction and comfort to imagine that he is self destructing and just as lonely as me“- each feels hurt, each wants the other to feel pain, but he blocked you so to cause you pain, you didn’t block him.

“I hope he is at home high off his mind playing video games and then all day just high and working. As I have seen him before“- it is likely he does what he did habitually before.

“I am waking up on January 5th and I am a combination of guilty and frustrated. I feel guilty cause I feel bad for not working January to March. I feel that is when he lost respect for me. However he was late to dates…“- from the very beginning, he only had respect for parts of you, parts in isolation. He didn’t respect what connects those parts: your crown chakra, that upper level of Maslow’s Pyramid.

“I am frustrated because he blocked me and there are still things I need from his house“- I disrespect him for having done this, how inconsiderate!

“What gives him the right to block me, it feels childish to me and it is frustrating because I would have loved to be on better terms right now and just keep it cordial and understanding“- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.

“Then it makes me feel guilty that he doesn’t understand because of me, because I mislead him with my words about the future, but then that doesn’t necessarily hold up because I did try to tell him the exact issues that caused the breakup, many times“- you were not dishonest with him: you felt different things at different times, through a long period of time.

“He didn’t see me. So no he doesn’t see the necessity of the breakup for me. I wish he could see the ways he so clearly mistreated me… affecting my spirit and heart. He should have been the protector of those things, not part of the world that comes at you“- how common and tragic it is that people (beginning with parents) who should protect us come at us, hurting us.

“I feel angry that he could not be the man that I wanted him to be. He gave me crumbs of hints that he could. Even at our last dinner, when his idea was to state how we would work on ourselves in the relationship and he said he would take better care of himself“- when I read the boldfaced part for the first time you shared about it, my interpretation was that he was self-centered. He didn’t say that he would take better care of you!

“cause that meant he could see that he was acting out of pain right? That meant he at least to some extent was aware of his passive aggression.. that is what I thought anyways“- I don’t see it that way. You are and were back then introspected, he is not. You were alone at the top of that Maslow’s pyramid, imagining/ making believe that he was there with you.

“There is also a part of me that is not only confused that he blocked me, but that he never reached out to me. Yes he texted my sister that he wished he was dead and that he couldn’t believe how coldly I broke up with him, this was clearly him trying to get me to come to him right?“- yes, I think so. I think of his strategy as that of a spider having spun his web and waiting for an insect to come to him and get entangled in his web.. (again).

“But the thing that bothers me more is that I actually feel guilty about this, that I was cold. Because when I think of the positive memories between us…”- this guilt can be (I hope not) a reason for you to .. fly to his web and get entangled in it (again).

“-Our camping trips… -The moments I was anxious and crying and he stood there by me -That time we were in an argument, and he didn’t let us go inside to spend time with other people until we solved our own issues.. – When he put effort into getting to know my friends, asking questions“- he is not totally lacking people skills.

“When he opened up to me about very private things from his past, he had never told anyone“- how do you know that he didn’t tell anyone before you? If your answer is that he told you so, uttering the words I never told anyone, then remember what he told you about how you should treat uttered words..

“When he had that soft look on his face because he wanted to be cuddled “- in certain cartoon, the bad character always looks rough, always evil. In real-life, bad people sometimes look soft, and that confuses people who believe in cartoons.

I am not saying that he is a bad person to everyone.. just that he was and would be bad as a boyfriend/ husband to a woman with an open crown chakra.

“Should I have stuck it through and we would have been altogether so SO much stronger because of it? Did I give up too soon?“- I have the image of a fly flying into a spider’s web…

“I warned him so many times that he was wearing me down, I even told him before that eventually his being late and careless behavior could break me. I told him I didn’t trust him with my heart because I felt he had dropped it too many times, but he still did and just thought I needed to be stronger“- I boldfaced the words he uttered that you shouldn’t believe. He didn’t want you stronger.. just strong enough to stay alive while entangled in his web, alive but not free. I am guessing that now he wants you strong enough to fly to his web and get entangled yet again.

“I am just angry he could not fix himself for me”- I get caught in images, I know. Nonetheless, I see him (the spider) fixing himself dinner.

“Again did I not wait long enough for him?? This kills me“- this is feeding my imagery even further..!

“If he followed me“- a spider does not follow the fly; he waits for her to get entangled in his web.

“If he…-  and decided to look within“- if he stepped up to the top of Maslow’s pyramid, he would have.

“why couldn’t he do it??”- did he try and found out that he couldn’t, or perhaps he didn’t try but uttered words, at times, that sounded like he tried…?

“This life is about me now, worrying about him no longer matters and I certainly did it enough to already last a lifetime“- I agree.

“But I think I feel guilty to completely let go of the guilt… He is right the breakup was cold, but because I had to be. It would have been too confusing for us both if I showed my tears and emotions, wouldn’t that of been unfair to him?“-if you showed your tears and emotions while breaking up with him… your crying and emotions would have created the vibrations on his web that would let him know that it’s time for more spinning.

Would it be unfair to the spider for the fly to not present itself as dinner…?

“The essence of him was home for so long and now I don’t have a home, I feel pathetic saying that cause I should be my own home, but what is love if it isn’t allowing someone else to be your home, did he do the same with me?”- a spider’s web is its home. Your own home should be spider free, I say (Okay, enough with the image?)

“With his actions of blocking me and deleting our picture, unfollowing my community, he must be angry right?”- or just hungry.

“I wish I could erase him from my mind.“- erase seeing who he is not. See him as he is.

2nd post:

“I feel the same way, how do you do this?”- one day at a time.

“I wish I could trade for goods, wouldn’t that be cool! I stay home and make delicious pastries, and go trade them for clothes, or making them a form of art OR make them clothes in exchange for the materials that I can also use for myself. Anyways I feel my way of making my means to do things is going to fall outside of the typical ‘get a job’ sense“- yes, that would be cool! if the world is coming to an end (droughts, rising sea levels, wars, etc.), trading goods will be the way to go.

“This is the best compliment I have ever received“- you are welcome and thank you for.. the compliment you extended to me in this sentence!

“At first when I read ‘seaturtle the influencer‘ I didn’t like it, because I know what an influencer is and I do admire some, but the majority of them I find very fake. I think a lot of influencers are damaging to young people because they show some amazing life as if they have no problems, only highlights…  you know what I do believe what you say, that I could be helpful to some young people struggling in ways that I have and still do. I think it could be a very good idea”- I have never watched an influencer online. If I did, the word would have had a negative connotation for me too. Seaturtle the Helpful Influencer in practice, the one giving the word a positive connotation.. or finding a different word may be a better idea.

“Do I start with just trying to be relatable? I am not sure my starting point or where to find it, but I am definitely curious if this could be something. Do I need a guide or are the answers in me“- definitely start with being authentically and unguardedly you first, and then see if people relate. Consider people’s feedback so to think of more effective ways to express yourself, but still, ways in the realm of being true to yourself.

“I do like to move my body and to a sound that I feel… I miss it and wish I had a group of people who would come do that, but I can only think of two haha“- (1) you and .. you mean you and me? (2) this could be the beginning of your Influencing career: inviting people to dance with you online, on zoom…?

Seaturtle

Dear Seaturtle:

“All those times he later said ‘oh baby I was joking I just have a weird sense of humor,’ all those times I suspected him of being passive aggressive he was, whether he knew it or not, but wanted me to feel pain“- he knew that he was not joking. He said what he said knowing that he wanted you to feel pain as a result of what he said.

“because what other reason could he have for all those things?“- no other reason.

“I can’t say never because perhaps I am not remembering something, but I did not do this to him….I will let this question sit in my mind right now ‘did I ever intentionally cause him pain?’“- even if you did on one or two occasions want him to feel pain and then saying or doing something with that purpose in mind, it doesn’t make you deserving of a lifetime of this being done to you. The solution is not punishment for you forever more, or even for another day, a week, or month (of resuming a relationship with him). The solution is for you to become more aware and a better and better person over time as far as your action is concerned.

This is my strategy in regard to myself. I am not a finished product: I am still becoming a better person, this is my intent and practice.

Remember that it’s not what we feel but what we do (speech and deeds) over time that makes us god or bad people.

“when he said ‘you care so much about other people’s feelings, that is how I trust that you wouldn’t hurt me.‘”- reads manipulative to me.

“He may try to hurt me now as much as he can with his blocking, and deleting of pictures, and who knows how it will be to pick up my things, maybe I will send a friend, because he can only harm me right?“- I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.

“The image of us ending on mature calm states is all in my imagination?“- yes, I think so.

“the only silver lining here is that I am used to him causing me pain at least it is not a shock, as he was shocked. It is almost as if I caused him all the pain he caused me in our whole relationship, within a 10 minute shocking breakup“- I don’t think of him as an emotionally honest person, so even if he uttered words that expressed shock, I don’t know if he felt shocked. (I am sure the breakup was a hurt to his ego, though).

I wrote to you: “from the very beginning, he only had respect for parts of you..”, and you responded: “This is true and so sad. I didn’t start to suspect it until a year in, even though it was all there for me to see but I didn’t want to? or couldn’t?“- I think that your heart and sacral chakras were vibrating so intensely that you were oaky, or almost okay with a lower vibrational crown chakras: yours.. and his.

“- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.”

“This may bring you some satisfaction, as it does me… I said ‘You just have such bad vibes sometimes’ I said it with a look of ‘stay away from me’“- I like that Post yoga, Thanksgiving inspired crown chakra vibration!

“He did not take care of himself, he smoked way too much weed, he claimed it helped with his anxiety…  he was constantly high… When we started living together and I witnessed how much I would ask him to be sober for dates, but then at the date he was much more jittery, EVEN LESS capable of a deep conversation sitting in one place. it bored him beyond belief… I began to want him to smoke so he would chill out and sit with me”-

– I didn’t know of the extent of what seems to be his cannabis use disorder and addiction. This addiction and disorder makes the prognosis for a healthy relationship for him even poorer than I thought before.

“I believe I am way too suspicious of him to allow him in again, and I certainly won’t let myself be around him long enough to get past that suspicion. I admit there is part of me that still thinks he could change“- he could, but what is the statistical chance of that happening.. 1%,  5%?

“There is no benefit to feed into that imagination of his self actualization, if I did, that is when the fly could get tangled again“- I agree.

“I am fairly certain I am the only one he told…  Like I said there were moments he was vulnerable and I did feel it but it was a handful of times in our whole two years together, certainly not enough for a truly intimate relationship”- a handful of percentiles (1-5%) that he would change.

“You are right that he said words don’t matter which is a valid reason to not think his matter, but I am sure he was being truthfully vulnerable here“- there is a saying (paraphrased): even a broken clock is truthful twice every 24 hours.

“With learning so much about my inner child here with you, I tried to share with him the benefits of looking within… (I) helped him open up a little… But then we got back home and it was as if the conversation had never happened and he was smoking and working all day once again and had no energy by the end of the day for a real conversation“- imagine (or not) this being the theme of a lifetime with him…

“This is such a great idea. I read this yesterday and have been thinking of it ever since! at my workout last night I was imagining setting up a community of just freestyle, sober dancing. I don’t think this exists? This really sounds like a lot of fun I am trying to think of where to start!”- don’t know if such exists… something to research perhaps…?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“yesterday my brother told me that he texted N!… he was diagnosed with manic depression a couple years ago and has been heavily sedated since then. Both my parents kicked him out because he would randomly get angry and lash out at my younger sister and scare her. Another one of his modes is hyper emotional so one day, last Thursday, he found himself ‘feeling bad for n.‘”-

– this energy and emotional instability and dysfunction is the results of a sacral and heart chakras going wild without the wise supervision and input by the crown chakra. It is important for you, for me, for everyone to not let this happen.

“Anyways both of my siblings gave HIM their sympathy.. I just am so beyond annoyed and frustrated. Both of them asking him if he was ok before me. But whatever I just have to drop this or it makes me too upset“-

– their sympathy for him probably triggers your (invalid, unjustified) guilt in regard to breaking up with N, part of you believing that N is a good guy vs you, the bad guy. But that part is wrong.

Perhaps The Third Eye Chakra can come to the rescue when this false belief is triggered. This chakra is “concerned with inner vision, intuition and wisdom… A balanced third eye chakra allows for heightened intuition, clarity of thoughts and perceptions” (zen lama. com). The title of your thread is about needing a vibrating 3rd eye chakra: “Telling the difference between gut (intuition) and fear in relationships”.

Whenever you see N as the good guy vs you the bad guy, LOOK through your 3rd eye and see the truth.

“Anyways I think it bled into my day today cause I have just had an undertone of anxiety and struggling to get n out of my head. Whether it is him angry, with another girl or just any unsolicited vision of him being somewhere… this lie flooded my head…”-the symptoms of a blocked 3rd eye.

Once you SEE N with your 3rd eye, you will have a balanced vision of him: a physically attractive man if your 3rd eye is open. Coming to think about it, it’s a relief to have a 3rd option/ Eye to use so to see the bigger picture, the truth.

“I believe he was not joking, and that while it happened he wasn’t implying a joke and that he did want me to feel pain”- when you see him as a gorgeous, beautiful man, open your 3rd eye and see him as a person who wants you to feel pain at times.

“What I have a hard time grasping is whether he was really just straight up lying to me that he was joking?”- yes, he was.

“or that he literally was lying to himself”- no, he knew that he was lying to you. (I am looking at him with MY 3rd eye and I am looking at you with my 3rd eye, seeing.. a girl who doesn’t want to take a boy off a pedestal, holding on to an elevated image of him).

“I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.”

“My mom…  started telling me ‘well maybe you will still end up together.. you don’t have to feel embarrassed if you get back together….he may self actualize maybe he is in therapy right now..’ all tells me my mom has no idea”- her 3rd eye is closed. She sees a gorgeous looking man. She doesn’t see a man wanting her daughter to hurt when it’s convenient for him.

“my closest friend… often talks over me..  My friend is also in a very destructive relationship and says similar things to my mom. This makes me very sad as she is my closest friend at the moment and we have known each  other almost our whole lives. Definitely doesn’t help with the alone feelings I already feel right now“- to keep your 3rd eye and crown chakras open and high vibrational means to .. be alone in the midst of low vibrational 3rd eye and crown chakras.

“This feels true, I don’t think he was shocked I wanted it to be over, but I think he was shocked that I actually did it. Because he was so often able to manipulate me and that was one of the only times in our relationship he wasn’t able to. The fly out with the spider and he was shocked, and his ego was hurt”-

– a gorgeous looking man who has been okay with his girlfriend wanting out of the relationship as long as she doesn’t succeed; a spider being okay with the fly trying to disengage from its sticky web as long as it doesn’t succeed.

“Yea, I also remember thinking that maybe our crown chakras match later in the relationship. I thought the honeymoon was suppose to be heart and sacral, and I didn’t want to pressure crown charka connecting… Then this year I started to need it more and more and found my advances denied. Not only denied but he wasn’t even seeing my crown, he wasn’t seeing my depth and wisdom”- imagine an open and high vibrational Third Eye Chakra that can see a man early…

“This brought me a lot of sadness that I had been seen by others but he was the only person I truly wanted it from“- growing up wanting to be seen by low vibrational F=> wanting to be seen by low vibrational N.

I want to research cannabis use disorder and vaping as it may apply to N before I respond to the rest of your yesterday’s post next.

anita