Dear Anita,

I’d like to preface this message by journaling my current feelings. In order to prepare to go out with my friends tonight, I let myself sleep in as much as possible this morning, until noon! It felt nice, I woke up quiet and peaceful, but lying in bed awake it was not long before missing N occurred again, the uninvited good memories. I decided that meant it was time to get out of bed, I cleaned a bit and did a neck and shoulder yoga, as I felt tight in my neck. This day is very nostalgic, I have very vivid memories of our new years eve’s together, it reminds me of our first road trip together, 5 months into the relationship. On the trip we faced a lot of obstacles, his truck spun out, but he saved it, then his transmission fell out! we waited 10 hours for a tow truck. The drive was from Seattle to Las Vegas, where he went to college and had friends, whom I liked to spend time with as well. Through the obstacles of the trip we bonded. There was a moment we weren’t sure if we would make it by new years eve, but we pushed through and made it. We were so relieved and that day felt so connected, there were moments we were both there for the other when the other was losing hope.. it was one of the highlights of the relationship, that trip. We met each-others friends and all felt like it fit like a glove. This morning I feel like I am in a medium vibration, the sadness is bringing me down but the memories are happy.. I just miss the friend I had in N and it is actually the first holiday that we spent together both years, that I am not seeing him. What I mean is, we never actually spent christmas day together, the first one we spent before Christmas, the first time I told him I loved him. The second christmas he visited my family after. But thanksgiving, new years, halloween and valentines day, were days we spent together, so this new years is the first holiday tradition without him. It is like his ghost is here (this made tears come to my eyes). Anyways this is the version of Seaturtle who is responding today.

You wrote, “In that quieting, the vibrations of your heart chakra and your sacral chakra become louder and louder, and you yearn for connection and romance.” I like that you are speaking in terms of chakras because I am curious about them, I am interested to know what made you want to do the research on them?

You wrote ” – (1) as a boy, he did or would have done anything and everything to become who his mother/ father wanted him to be. As an adult, he would adjust somewhat to a romantic partner (ex., SAY what she wants him to say, apologize) but not change.”

-I wonder, if we can’t truly change, then why do some of us? I feel like I have changed in many ways, and I know I am a curious person who wants to learn and be better, something N lacks. However, as far as human sociology/psychology goes, why am I more capable of change than him?

” There is always something good underneath any feeling…your desire to be SEEN, a strong and frustrated desire that you had in the relationship with him.”

This makes me hopeful but this “good” thing underneath my feelings, my desire to be seen, doesn’t make me feel better. Maybe that isn’t the goal. I just want to feel hopeful but as much as my HVI believes there is someone out there that will see me in a relationship, I have a helpless voice that tells me there isn’t, this is why I have no desire to go out to clubs and what not cause there is no one there that could see me, or a very low odds, so it makes me feel hopeless. The block party shouldn’t be this way but maybe that is a reason I fear it, although my roommate is at a similar state to me she said she only wants a drink or two, and the people we are going out with is a more mature crowd she met recently.

“- you are welcome, but as I read the beginning of your next post, it led you to a bottomless pit… I will soon read the rest of that post.”

Actually by the time I was getting to bed I forgot about the video! sad.

“- heart and sacral chakras vibrating loud!”

I wonder how I can sooth these chakras.. I will look it up.

“What is likely, in my estimation, is that he will end up with another woman who will try to change him…  and fail.”

So then he will continue the self fulfilling prophecy that he is not enough?

You wrote “– for some balance/ bigger picture (I am addressing your crown chakra with the following): “Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months” (July 29, 2023). Eight months back from July 29 is Nov 29, 2022, so your mind hasn’t rested last New Year, in between a few fun experiences.”

It is interesting you phrase it this way “I am addressing your crown chakra,” I think this is the answer to a lot of my internal torment. Addressing my crown chakra does pull me out of where my heart and sacral take me too far into. I won’t delete it now, but above I wrote something again about missing him this new years eve and this response is all I need for that, I feel better now than I did at this beginning of writing this post. Thank you. You are right, as much fun as NYE was, the new years did not bring me peace.

– let us bring all the parts of Seaturtle together for a discussion for the purpose of quieting that shuddering and fighting (against memories and images), and promoting comfort, the feeling of safety, and wisdom:

You wrote  “Your favorite line from the song is: “If I’m (Hatchling) not here for me/ She (Seaturtle) will be there“- Seaturtle: don’t leave hatchling alone at this time.”

-I needed this reminder

“Seaturtle’s crown chakra is needed this New Year Eve and New Year Day. It will be a good idea to start the new year with HVI provided by a hv crown chakra.”

“Would you like to tell me your thoughts this Sun morning, so that we can hopefully proceed with this discussion?”

Yes, I am sorry it is later than morning and hope to hear from you today,  but yes I would like to awaken my crown chakra further in order to stay in a high vibration in this inevitably challenging day and night.

Happy New Year’s Eve Anita!

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

Thank you for giving me what was left of your energy in your reply yesterday 🙂 Although I didn’t get to replying again I read it and it gave me a much appreciated boost yesterday!

When I asked you about your stance on chakras you said “- you brought them up and although I have read about them before and rejected what I read, you had this effect on me that I wanted to be open-minded and revisit the topic without prejudgment.”

-As far as chakras go, personally I am not sure whether they are physically real or more of a metaphor that helps us to understand our multi-faceted human selves. I am curious enough about them to discuss it, I don’t want to get too abstract though, because ironically my aura color, an abstract concept, says I am likely to be abstract and need to practice grounding, which feels true to me. I feel like what I just said was confusing but where I am coming from is that I don’t want you to only speak in terms of chakras for me, because I understand your skepticism and I feel the same way.

“– the two of you united against a common, 3rd party/ outside obstacle. Without an outside obstacle to unite you, the inner obstacles (his Teflon MO vs your open crown chakra) come into play. It is similar to a nation at war: citizens who were divided during peace-time get temporarily united during war.”

-wow this is so very true Anita! I remember feeling this way, that if we were in end times of war, or going through some natural disaster, that N would be the perfect partner. It is almost like if there was something that could pull all his attention away from work and money, an adventure that we were both on, that we would bond the way I wanted to with him so badly. Which is why when we were hiking/skiing/camping, even getting trapped on that roadtrip, we bonded. What is also interesting is he would tell me that the way he felt bonded to people was when they could accomplish something together. He would say he didn’t find conversation to be a bonding activity, he wanted to do or build something together. I can agree that accomplishing a task together is bonding, but I needed him to be able to get there with me through conversation but he was incapable. The funny thing is I recently thought of this, if we entered war times I would really want him by my side… I think? He is a good partner to have in survival mode, but not much further up Maslow’s pyramid.

“I wrote above temporarily united. When the outside obstacle relaxes, the pre-existing conflict and turmoil resume.”

-Exactly. Why is he only able to bond in obstacles? What is also interesting is I began to feel like he wanted these obstacles to happen… So he would put us in risky situations! wow.. like the roadtrip that bonded us, his truck broke down before the trip and on a whim he took his dads farm truck, a truck only used on the property for years, it hadn’t received proper maintenance, the transmission falling out was not a shock to him.. but we dealt with the challenge. I am good in challenges as well, I have a part of me that gets into hyper drive and I am ready to do what I have to, and he liked this part of me. And the shroom experience, he was careless with the amount because it’s almost like he just welcomes the obstacles. I literally felt like he would take the hard way out of things for this reason and it is why I stopped trusting him with my heart a while ago. His desire for conflict and fighting together made him take my desires less seriously because they seemed pointless to him.. For example my desire to just sit and have deep intelligent and intimate conversation, he thought it was pointless, he would rather be faced with danger together.. Which! is interesting because I feel like if you are dealing with issues in survival mode, you can’t also be self actualizing and evolving. Wow I am putting things into words right now that I have felt a long time. Ironically I was fearful that, or sensed correctly that he thought I was lazy, because I liked to sit in silence a lot, I needed this time to be introspective and he did not understand why I wasn’t just working for money in survival mode like he felt he had to. I felt he began to resent me for not being in survival mode with him, in fact he even told me before that he felt like he was stuck in survival mode for us and I was living in a “la la land”thinking that I didn’t need to, that I left him there while I was climbing the pyramid (Maslows hierarchy or needs). This is why I got the feeling that he was holding me back.. because he was trying to. He literally made me doubt myself so much! He made me doubt my process of introspection and self actualizing but questioning my methods so often, telling me that I should be in survival mode too, blaming me that he had to be there for us.. but it was never for us it was for him. Because ironically! he thought I was taking “the easy way out” the lazy way of sitting in silence, feeling and introspecting, when really it is much easier to live in survival mode, easier mentally. I have taken the mentally challenging route that looked “easy” and this is where he didn’t SEE me! I so desperately wanted him to see that I was working hard too, all this internal work that I was doing, and him saying “you worry about things that don’t matter” literally was him telling me he did not see me. A message, my higher self was trying to tell me for way long before that came out of his mouth just a couple months ago. He made me doubt myself because he couldn’t see it, the same thing that F did to me for so long. This year I want to believe in myself and grow my self esteem. I can’t believe I was in a relationship that was harming me in that way, again, and this time by choice. What was so confusing though is on the outside, N would tell me that he believed in me and I believed his words, then when I would tell him I didn’t feel like he believed in me he would gaslight me into thinking I just lacked confidence….. He made me believe he believed in me and I didn’t, I was the problem. I am so happy I got out of there.

Anita, I am excited for you to read this very important post where I was able to put so many thoughts and feelings that I have had over the past two years, into words.

Vibrating Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

I was going back to re-read the message I just sent to further ponder on what came out of me just now. But this time I as I was re-reading I was stopped at something from your reply “his Teflon MO vs your open crown chakra”

-This really is what it was that I could see so clearly, yet not clear enough. In my very first post on here on July 29th 2023, I phrased this concept as:

“N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes, and sometimes he doesn’t even hear or get them at all”

“My flirtation is lost on him”

“I would not say we have the best chemistry”

“N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes, and sometimes he doesn’t even hear or get them at all. And in those moments I feel so so lonely..:/ ”

“sometimes I wish he was just there and wanted to be deep and have long deep spiritual conversations where we tap into our higher selves together and feed eachothers souls!”

“I have been dealing with these small disconnects for a long time”

“we have had sooo many conversations and its like he does change things but not how I feel I need?”

-In all of these phrases I was trying to express how I felt “these small disconnects,” the war between “his Teflon MO vs [my] open crown chakra.” It was hard to describe the disconnection, where I would say something very relevant to the current situation, whether it was a joke or spiritual deep comment or even relevant flirtation, and he could not see the connection I was making. I have not said what I am about to say here yet or even out loud because I feel like it is mean and/or blaming him, which I feel guilty to do… but when he could not see the relevant connections I was making I wondered where his intelligence was in general.. This is hard to describe, but you know when your mind/brain makes a connection, it is sometimes called wit or banter, and sometimes very personal so not everyone would understand, but other times the connection is psychological/historical/philosophical..etc. Like you recognize something happening now that has happened before, I would make a comment like this and N would rarely understand what I was saying or what connection I was making. It made me feel alone. It’s like I would say things out of my open crown chakra and it’s like it would just fall off him, he didn’t get it, he was disconnected in a way, out of touch or maybe lacked the intelligence? to understand.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

I am looking forward to a day to myself tomorrow and will be online in the morning to respond to your reply 🙂 today was my first day at a new job so I didn’t have the time/energy but I am trying to get on a more consistent schedule very soon!

seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“exactly my understanding: it’s a useful metaphor that helps us understand how we operate and function. I am glad you re-introduced it to me as I find it very useful, thank you!…- I still feel it’s an excellent metaphor and I like using it. Is it okay with you if I use it in your thread as a metaphor?”

You are welcome I am glad you find it useful too and I don’t mind using the metaphor in our thread.

“- confusing only to those with a low vibrational IQ “

I found it interesting that you wrote about “low vibrational IQ” when speaking about N’s IQ was something I wanted to get to.

“(2) He didn’t find conversation a bonding activity means that he finds conversation undesirable or boring or threatening. “

I feel like he found conversation ALL of those things. Sometimes he would be defensive (threatened) other times he would just tell me he couldn’t focus and needed to be doing something in order to listen… (bored) but this was interesting cause he claimed he listened better if he was moving around, but I can’t have a deep conversation with someone dancing around, cause how can they possibly hear you? and understand without eye contact? This frustrated me. He definitely did not desire conversation as we do.

“Imagine that deep, intimate conversations are more scary, in his mind and heart, than real-life danger!”

Sounds terrible, and is so not relatable since I find conversation a highlight of life.

I am not sure if it the sickness I had a couple weeks ago or what exactly, but I have been really tired lately. The smallest tasks are daunting as far as energy, and I have been sleeping longer hours. I want my energy back so that I can give it to myself and do the things that make me happy. Tomorrow I have a surgery, it should be outpatient, as long as there are no complications. I have a benign ovarian tumor that has gotten very big and needs to be removed, so this will take more of my energy as well. I have a lot of goals that I want to set myself on the trajectory for such as vibrational health, I have a feeling it has to do with spending more time getting to know my deepest self. I am not sure exactly how to do this, but I am sure there are things that do not lead to it, such as watching tv, something I have been doing alot in the evenings to occupy my mind. I wonder if it is better for me to have no tv or music on in the background as I do things, such as cleaning, eating, getting ready. I think I believe that the only one in the way of my happiness is me, and I want to gain the strength to stop doing the things that prevent me from my potential to bring light to this world. I want to be more in my body, more aware of my thoughts, feelings and needs. From what I have read online and in books is that getting to know yourself starts with doing things you love, but as I said before my energy has been low and I feel like there are things I want to do that I don’t have the energy for…

Seaturtle