Dear Seaturtle: I need more time, will be back to you tomorrow, take care!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

You are welcome.. and thank you for growing, the world is a better place because you are!

As a response to my suggestion that a lifetime with N could have been a bad trip, you wrote: “When I read this it was scary because it feels true“.

* “I will be very intentional when I try out a Buddhist community, is there a specific reason it would be more beneficial with an open crown chakra?“-

– From Wikipedia/ Buddhism and violence: “Buddhist scripture condemns violence in every form. Ahimsa, a term meaning ‘not to injure‘, is a primary virtue in Buddhism. However, Buddhists have historically used scriptures to justify violence or form exceptions to commit violence for various reasons. As found in other religious traditions, Buddhism has an extensive history of violence dating back to its inception”. The entry has a long list of examples from various countries.

From The New York Times/Why are we surprised when Buddhists are Violent? (March 2018): “Most adherents of the world’s religions claim that their traditions place a premium on virtues like love, compassion and forgiveness, and that the state toward which they aim is one of universal peace. History has shown us, however, that religious traditions are human affairs, and that no matter how noble they may be in their aspirations, they display a full range of both human virtues and human failings.

– We tend to interpret our parents’ behaviors (particularly misbehaviors) in the best possible light, so to see the best (or the least-worst) in them. Maybe he is not selfish and unaware, but selfish, aware that he is selfish and.. okay with it. His explanation that he was under the impression that you were free only in the morning reads like something he came up with after your conformation, so to (retroactively) excuse why he didn’t keep his word to you, or why he misled you (?)

“I told him about my financial issues and he gave me the money I needed for rent and a medical bill, as a gift! with no payment plan back, he has never given without those strings before.“- I am glad to read this!

“I have had several dreams about N, and in every one we try to be friends and it always left me with some sort of negativity, I think my dreams are telling me something“- I am kind-of telling you the same.

“And you are right that I cannot change what is happening in his family“- remember this fact.

“What do you mean by hope can reawaken?“-

– I was referring to what you wrote on Dec 19: “I am no longer ‘in-love’ with him. I gave up hope that he is the right partner for me”. You gave up that hope and fell out of love with him; if you regain that hope.. you may fall back in-love with him.

“When the voice of doubt, of my decision to leave N, comes I am able to reason it away every time. I either think of what I do wish for in a partner that was not in N, or I think about those moments N shut down my feelings or attempts to bond with him deeper. One of these voices of doubt is that N will self actualize and become the man I needed him to be.. is this what you mean by hope can reawaken?”-

– yes, I meant the hope (like I wrote above before reading this part) that he will be the right partner for you.. once he actualizes himself, if he does, which is unlikely because most people don’t change core beliefs and MO-s (habitual ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving) as adults.

“Well back at you because this made me smile for the first time today and I have been awake a few hours!“- back at you again (smile, Sun 9:30 am)

“Does a woman like this exist? is this who N will find as his partner?“, you asked regarding a woman with only one chakra, or main chakra, being the sacral chakra- no, I don’t think so. But there are women who will be okay with a superficial relationship, or women who will compromise their deeper needs.

“My trip home so far has certainly made me feel things that I did not predict… First, feeling sad/disappointed he was not at the gate at the airport, this feeling surprised me, but thankfully I was distracted… there is just a lonely feeling associated without him… wishing N was here to experience the joy”- it’s normal/ natural to miss a person you became emotionally attached to.

“I will create a new email address for this platform to be extra safe, I will likely get to it after this trip if that is ok with you”- it’s absolutely fine.

“I wonder how you liked the song/music video?”- listening/ watching it: first, I love the ocean! Her sitting on the shore, on the sand, close to the water makes me think of the sea turtle video I watched such a long time ago. It makes me think of you, a sea turtle in red holding a yellow flower..(I wonder if you look like her, dark hair and eyes.. and so majestic). Now the video is becoming even more beautiful: her dance moves, inspiring, makes me think of you growing and actualizing yourself, becoming more..

She is reaching her hands up to the sky… The music is lovely. The words: “..once you told me/ If something’s missing in me/ To go and find it in you“- you wanted to find it in N, a deeper connection, one where he’d SEE you and the missing part of you… but he refused.

“Merry Christmas!“- and  M e R R Y     C H R i S T M a S   to you, seaturtle!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I wish you safe travels back home today, this Friday afternoon, and I am looking forward to read from you by tomorrow (or the next day, whenever it’s the right time for you). I missed you here, Seaturtle!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I am so glad to receive your post! I read through it but will need to re-read and reply later.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

First, I will respond to your high vibrational (hv) post of Sat morning and then to your low vibrational (lv) post of Sat night.

“when I see that face of ‘searching for what to say,’ to me, what is coming out of their mouth is not authentic so there is no longer a point to continue the conversation, instead I need to just accept what it is“- this is your hv intelligence. I’ll refer to it as HVI.

“I keep filling the hole with why we broke up and what I deserve in the future, but it feels like this hole is a bottomless pit, as I keep having to fill it! The hard part is it needs to be filled in my weakest moments, as I am about to fall asleep, when I am alone“- When you are about to fall asleep, your crown chakra (which in the morning produces HVI) becomes quieter and quieter, producing lower and lower vibrational intelligence (LVI).

In that quieting, the vibrations of your heart chakra and your sacral chakra become louder and louder, and you yearn for connection and romance.

“I predict he will more likely end up with the former, a superficial relationship…  But that superficial relationship will leave a hole in his heart“- I predict that he will end up in a superficial relationship, but not that the result of such future relationship will be a hole in his heart. It’s the other way around: the result of a preexisting hole in his heart (one created during his childhood) is his inability and/ or unwillingness to engage in a deep relationship.

“He would need to change for a deeper relationship to be possible, but if he was going to change he would have done it for me, I don’t see why he would change for someone else… (my fear.. but a fear I am feeling shame about right now)“- (1) as a boy, he did or would have done anything and everything to become who his mother/ father wanted him to be. As an adult, he would adjust somewhat to a romantic partner (ex., SAY what she wants him to say, apologize) but not change.

(2) it is unhealthy and unreasonable to feel shame for any emotion you happen to feel. There is always something good underneath any feeling. Discover what it is, and you will understand and feel empathy for yourself for feeling whatever unpleasant or disagreeable emotion that happens to move through you. In this case, what I see underneath your fear that he will change for another woman when he didn’t change for you- is your desire to be SEEN, a strong and frustrated desire that you had in the relationship with him.

In regard to the song, you wrote that you agree with my interpretation that you wanted to find a deeper connection with N, wanting him to SEE the missing part of you, but he refused. You explained the line I didn’t understand, your favorite line: “If I’m (Hatchling) not here for me/ She (Seaturtle) will be there“- I interpret it further this way: when your crown chakra is overpowered by your heart and sacral chakras, and about to do something that will harm you, Seaturtle’s HVI (open and hv crown chakra) will come to the rescue, and you will do what’s right and helpful for you!

“I watched a portion of your Christmas present, thank you.. It is beautiful! It almost put me to sleep haha, I will use it when I need to wind down and maybe to go to sleep tonight!“- you are welcome, but as I read the beginning of your next post, it led you to a bottomless pit… I will soon read the rest of that post.

“I missed you too Anita, I am excited to be back and continue this journey and get back to journaling here“- a definite high-vibrational ending of this post of Saturday morning!

And now, to your Saturday night post:

“Hi Anita, I wanted to write a journal entry while I am feeling sad… Right now it is 10pm where I am and I’m just having flashes of the good memories with N. It is the time I want to check on him and reach out“- heart and sacral chakras vibrating loud!

“It is also the time I ache when I think of him with someone else. But what hurts more is imagining that he will find someone else shallow like him and think that all along I was in the wrong and did too many things based on feelings. That he will end up with someone who like him, makes fun of ‘over feeling’ aka another Teflon“- it is very likely that he will be as superficial with the next woman as he has been with you (that he will adjust to her at the most, but he will not change, as I suggested above), but it is not likely that he will end up with another Teflon. What is likely, in my estimation, is that he will end up with another woman who will try to change him…  and fail.

“It hurts to think of him loving someone else. I know in this moment we are both in pain and that future is far away and not helpful to think about but just like the good memories, they seem to appear in my mind uninvited“- like I said above, heart and sacral chakras are vibrating…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

“Tomorrow night is New Year’s Eve, a night I spent with N two years in a row. They were fun memorable nights and even writing this is making me feel the emotion of a deep sadness of missing it. I know it is normal, but that doesn’t bring me much comfort right now“-

– for some balance/ bigger picture (I am addressing your crown chakra with the following): “Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months” (July 29, 2023). Eight months back from July 29 is Nov 29, 2022, so your mind hasn’t rested last New Year, in between a few fun experiences.

“I thought about spending the night alone but my roommate invited to me go out to a block party, and she bought me a ticket which was really sweet! …  Part of me wants to stay home and sleep, another part thinks I should spend the time with my friends so that I am not home feeling worse, but like I said going out with them it is implied to drink, be social and stay up late, all things I don’t really want to do but it sounds more fun than being alone on the holiday and fighting memories or the idea that N is out having a new years kiss (shuddering eyes emoji) I feel very uncomfortable, like the actual feeling that is the opposite of comfort. The opposite of N being a phone call away from laying with me on the couch and feeling safe… I am hoping for a very restful sleep tonight with positive dreams if any, and wisdom in the morning.”

– let us bring all the parts of Seaturtle together for a discussion for the purpose of quieting that shuddering and fighting (against memories and images), and promoting comfort, the feeling of safety, and wisdom:

Your favorite line from the song is: “If I’m (Hatchling) not here for me/ She (Seaturtle) will be there“- Seaturtle: don’t leave hatchling alone at this time.

Seaturtle’s crown chakra is needed this New Year Eve and New Year Day. It will be a good idea to start the new year with HVI provided by a hv crown chakra.

Would you like to tell me your thoughts this Sun morning, so that we can hopefully proceed with this discussion?

anita