“– You said it. So the question is to be you or to be only a small part of you, because the price to pay for a life with N is that a huge part of you will be caged, not allowed to be.”

You wrote: Put in another way, the price for a life with N is blocked chakras. From mind valley. com: “Your chakras can be blocked by life challenges. It can manifest as something physical (like a never-ending migraine) or even emotional (like self-doubt). Here are a few more blocked chakra symptoms that are telltale signs you need to open your chakras: * Difficulty sleeping * Difficulty concentrating * Chronic depression or anxiety * Mood swings * Trouble communicating * Difficulty connecting with others * Feeling ‘stuck’”-

“– How many of these symptoms did you experience while living with N?”

All of them. I constantly had bad dreams, I had a short capacity for concentration on anything other than our relationship, I felt anxious about him hurting my feelings (like being late or not understanding me), I felt depressed that I thought I should be happy and I didn’t know why I wasn’t! My moods would swing, one day I would feel anxious about us and how we were going to spend our time together because I so badly wanted to connect, then other days I found an inner strength and just went with the flow. I would freeze up when trying to express myself, not because I don’t know how but because I would be repeating the same thing for the nth time and freeze to wonder how else I could phrase it so he would understand how something made me feel or why I thought a certain way (try to take his mask off). I constantly felt “stuck” so much so that I started to think that was normal and it became a familiar feeling.

You wrote: The source continues to list the seven chakras and the symptoms of blockage for each chakra. Here are a few symptoms of a blocked chakras that (I think) you experienced with N: “Feeling you are not good enough the way you are” (a blocked Root chakra), “The distrust that you can be loved for being you” (a blocked Sacral chakra), “Giving your power away to others as you feel this is necessary to keep peace in relationships (a blocked Solar plexus chakra),  “Fear of commitment and feeling like you have to please others to be loved” ( a blocked Heart chakra), “Frustration because you don’t feel that other people hear what you have to say” (a blocked Throat chakra), “Disconnect from your intuition” (“Telling the difference between gut and fear“!), a blocked Third eye chakra.

-This is all right.

You wrote: In regard to a blocked Crown chakra, I can imagine you experiencing these symptoms if you resume the relationship with N long term: “* Loneliness, insignificance, and aimlessness *A strong attachment to material possessions and achievements (and define yourself according to them) and a disconnect from the spiritual side of life *A lack of connection or guidance from a higher power * Feeling unworthy of spiritual help and angry that your higher power has abandoned you“.

-I agree and this is what I feel whenever I begin to second guess my decision. That is how I knew I was ready to break up with N, because, similar to when I tried nicotine, the two N’s (lol) felt good for a minute but then they harmed my spirit, the essence of who I am. I have such a deep desire to hear my inner spirit guides and act in alignment with my highest self, that these N’s were a small price to pay to have such clarity within myself.

you wrote: Back to your yesterday’s post, I wrote to you about N: “What he heard (in his low vibrational/ closed crown chakra state), was that you accused him of something or that you said something he didn’t like, so his response: to deflect”, to redirect you”, and you asked: “is this the Teflon?“. My answer: yes. Like Teflon rejecting oil, N rejects anything you say that doesn’t feel good to him.. before he lets it in for consideration.

-This reminds me of a recent interview; Drew Barrymore, interviewed Megan Fox. And at one segment Drew asked Megan about a phrase from a poem Megan wrote “I will always be in the love with the man you will never become,” She articulated so well that she has been in love with someone who was stuck at their lower vibrational self, but that she could see his potential, however she had to leave the relationship. I feel this way with N. His higher vibrational self would be a perfect match for mine, which is so heartbreaking. I tried to raise his vibration, but instead mine was lowered. Speaking with you on this platform has raised my vibrations, and therefore made me even more incompatible with N. wow I just realized this as I wrote it.

The thing I want more than anything in my life right now is friends who are like me in this way, like you, but I need people in person. So far I have been the one sharing my vibrations and insights with others, but I am ready to meet people who can raise my vibration and teach me.

You wrote: In regard to the shark/ sea turtle imagery, you asked: “Why do we miss things that harmed us? just because of familiarity?“-  I’ll answer with an example from my life: I’ve known this woman in real life who is routinely critical and rude to me and to others (that’s her MO). Thing is, I like her very much and for the longest time, I tried to please her, to get her to like me back. Why? Because when I was very young, I tried to make another critical and rude (to me) person to like me back: my mother. The woman sort of reminded me of my mother back at a time when I very much loved my mother and tried to get her to love me back.

-Interesting. So it’s the dynamic of someone having expectations for me, and my desire to complete them and win their love. I need to be careful of this dynamic, but this is the one with my father. A dynamic with someone like my mom would be more like over-coddling and wanting to nurture them…although I almost feel like both of these dynamics were involved in my relationship with N.

You wrote “– The Teflon mind rejects X (something you say) before it considers it. ” and I remember the sensation I felt when I wanted to bring something up, but had an inkling that he would not like it, I felt I was on egg shells all the sudden. But (same as F) when I tried to tell N I was on eggshells he thought that was ridiculous. Both N and F think they are very approachable, but in fact they are the opposite. Because if what you approach them with falls outside of their logic, then it is hard to get them to understand. However I think my dad has possibly expanded his ability to see…

So when I arrived in Portland last weekend, my dad picked me up from the airport. Something that seems like an obvious jester but for my dad is a big deal, the fact he never asked me to get an Uber was surprising to me and my sister and mom when I told them. He often takes convenience for himself over showing affection or kindness to others. Anyways, I was nervous to tell him about N, and not sure how detailed I wanted to be. I was afraid that the traits I was leaving N for, were too similar to F for him to see what was wrong with the behavior. He took me home and made me breakfast. About 30 minutes after being home he asked me “how’s N?” this was the moment I was waiting for to naturally say “We aren’t together anymore.” My dads face was blank and shocked for about 30 seconds before he even said “wow.” I began to tell him why and I started by saying he just wasn’t honest with himself. Still unsure about how much I wanted to tell F, I based how much on his understanding. I went on to say we would have arguments then we would get home and I would want to resolve them and he would act like nothing happened, my dad was listening, so I went on. I told him about the cash situation and the c-word situation. I felt energized by the conversation, and I went on to the deeper reasons, I talked about how I had been doubting the relationship for a long time, I talked about this forum and you Anita :). I told him what I told you when I said “you know how you can tell someone something, and if they aren’t ready to hear it they won’t? Well this was my higher self to me this year, I knew it but wasn’t ready to hear it and it took until the cash and c-word incident for me to see that this relationship was only holding me back from the growth I wanted in my life.” My dad listened and responded, asked questions. He asked me if it was ok for him to ask me about his relationship, I assume since he saw that I was able to see things clearly in my relationship, maybe I could help him. He spoke about how his gf L, has two little boys that he does not want to be a father to and that he has told L, but she still wants to be with him, yet she also expresses that she wants security in marriage, but that he would not want to move in till her little boys were old enough. I was very open with him and pretty much said if he wasn’t accepting of her kids then he didn’t accept all of her so that was not true love. He could see this but was clearly not ready to end the relationship. He kept saying that the ball was in her court, but knowing my dad I knew he was probably emotionally manipulating her to stay and giving her some false sense of security, but I didn’t tell him this at this time.

Our conversation sort of ended there because my little sister wanted me to come talk to her while she got ready for her dance performance. Once I got back home on Sunday, I texted my dad later that evening

“I have been thinking about what we’ve talked about and you may not want to hear this (do not read until monday lol) But I woke up with some clarity, that’s; if you love L, then what she needs is either you to fully commit (kids and all) or let her go (so she can find someone who will, because she cans till find that as it stands now). You keeping her on the hook is selfish of you (I am not judging you, I know this feeling and if you stay with her I will not judge at all because you deserve to be happy too). Those two options are what is best for her, and as someone who loves her I think to end this “in-between” stage, one of those options need to be chosen by you. To fully commit or let her go to someone who will.”

Anita, I am telling you this so that you can understand a little bit more, and help me understand as well, my evolving relationship with my dad. He responded to this message with a heart and kissing emoji, so I am sure is probably brushing it off, as he did the email I wrote him back in april about my feelings of abandonment by him. As I spoke to him in my higher vibration about this and my relationship at one point we were talking about money and he brought up how an occasion that he lent me money for school and blah blah blah, I could completely see that he was only trying to take the power back in the conversation but it really had nothing to do with what we were talking about so I didn’t engage and was able to bring him back to where I was…

Most significantly, he messaged me randomly on Wednesday

“Hey, I just want you to know I’ve been thinking about you and our conversation alot this week. A lot of things have been on my mind but the one that stands our the most is just how damn proud I am of you.!! You took the time and went through the pain to search yourself and ultimately find the voice of your truest self. You honored your whole self. The result is less important than the patient process you allowed yourself to suffer through. And at the end of the rainbow what did you get? A self assurance in your decision making. An empowered belief that you have the resources to navigate life’s challenges. May you are tougher than you think, kid (kissing emoji) Love you, proud of you (heart and kiss). ”

I don’t want to want his validation, but there is still a part of me that wants F to see me and I honestly feel like he did see me a bit here, right? It is confusing because he still gaslites and is someone I have to be cautious of but in these moments I feel like there is a part of him that I can have a relationship with. Am I being naiive? Is he all Shark?

I will continue my post in a separate box.

Seaturtle

Anita,

“He said with words that he wanted to grow but he didn’t with actions and I don’t think he sees the value in it, but why? So this is a huge value I have for a future partner: curious about life and a want to grow in wisdom and understand meaning in human life“- It is easy to say words.. maybe the why (above and here) is that it’s way easier to reject things before consideration (the Teflon Mind) and it is way easier and simpler, in the short term, to not consider the meaning in human life, etc.”

-Perhaps it is easier but isn’t it more painful? I am not teflon, so perhaps I just don’t relate at all. Is his MO, teflon? that is something about him that likely won’t change?

-When I say more painful, I mean ignoring the meaning of why something happened, or why I behaved a certain way would make me feel stifled, like I was holding something back and needed to just burst. But he just let’s stuff just slide right off of him and not wonder about why or where they came from, being numb to the world sounds like the most lonely and pointless life, a waste of life itself if I may.

“I am feeling clearer now than I did last night and this morning“- good, that was Fri morning. How are you this Saturday?

-This Sunday I woke up a little stressed and here is why. Yesterday I asked my mom to text N asking for my flight confirmations, after all she did pay for it so I told her to text him “can you please send me her flight information that I paid you for” he did. This morning I went to see if I could choose a seat on the flight and realized there are no other seats and since we booked together and have the same confirmation I can see his flight information as well and we are sitting next to eachother…I figured he would cancel the flight since his family lives about 4 hours away from the airport by my family…but I suppose with the holiday flights perhaps he has no other option but to fly in and take a train to his home. But this puts us on all the flights and layovers together and I really don’t know how to feel about this. When I saw this I froze in time for about 30 minutes just not sure what to do.

“- how is your knee today, and did you do yoga? Yoga’s chest and shoulder opening poses are excellent for opening the heart chakra: I do one such every morning.”

My knee is moveable, and I was able to go on a little bike ride, but it ended up not being good for my sickness. My knee is badly bruised still, so I can move it but I can’t do like cat-cow yoga poses or anything on my knee, which is limiting. The yoga classes I have passes to are all hot yoga, and I am not sure if that would be good for me or not… I no longer have a fever or sore throat but I have just been too congested to go to work still, and I have a persistent cough. I am trying to stick with my beliefs that things happen for me not to me. So that I don’t go to far down the road of “I had such healthy plans for this week but instead have not been able to move my body much.” I have done stretching each day, short time, but yesterday I did some core exercises and pushups. Today I will look at some heart chakra yoga on youtube.

With love,

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“- you mean quitting both N’s is a small price to pay for Chakra Opening (CO), right?”

Yes.

You quoted me: “This reminds me of… a phrase from a poem Megan wrote ‘I will always be in the love with the man you will never become,’”- so she will… never be in love with the man he is.

-Precisely, and I fell out of love with the man who did not want to grow with me and instead wanted to question my growth and hold me back  from it.

“- almost everyone has potential for a higher vibrational self. Not just that man, not just N. It’s just that you happened to see it in N. But the potential may have a very low probability to materialize.”

-Anita, do you think any two man and woman at their high vibrational selves can fall in love? Or that there is a special, maybe a few in a lifetime, special match for each of us. A match that many times, and I personally think, we never meet if we don’t meet our own high self.. what do you think of this?

You quoted me: “I tried to raise his vibration, but instead mine was lowered”- relationships should be Win-Win, but it has been a Lose for you.

-I feel like if/when we do run into each other he will see this. If he ran in to me today he would see it, I am lighter without him. Even my literal physical skin has cleared since moving out and then ending the relationship. I was starting to break out for the first time in my life, and yes I learned new things about the new state I am living in and made some changes, but I know the relationship was having a toll on my physical body.

“Speaking with you on this platform has raised my vibrations, and therefore made me even more incompatible with N. wow I just realized this as I wrote it.”- Wow…! This is very special; it will take me time to absorb this…!

– 🙂

““The thing I want more than anything in my life right now is friends who are like me in this way, like you, but I need people in person. So far, I have been the one sharing my vibrations and insights with others, but I am ready to meet people who can raise my vibration and teach me”- reads good. By the way, I can imagine you and I meeting in real-life. I don’t want to mention locations (and please don’t mention such yourself), but I think that we’re geographically close.”

This made me light up when I read it! Anita I would absolutely love to meet you.

Happy Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“As I am re-reading about how you felt living with N, I am thinking this morning: there really is no (good/ healthy) reason for you to place yourself in that situation again, for crying out loud!”

-I know right. I only hope that I am able to gain the wisdom, insight and foresight, to avoid situations like this. If I ended the relationship any earlier than I did, I believe I still would have had doubts and questions. But it truly took me two years to see, which is the scary part. Although I feel like we were meant to meet and grow together, the first year we were together, it wasn’t until the end of year one that I had my first doubt that something didn’t feel right. I remember it too. We had been together actually, only 5 months I believe. And on a whim we decided to try shrooms together. Something he had done before but was my first time. It was a bad trip, until the very end was sort of fun. Anyways after that experience I began to have my first feelings of doubt that I could trust him. I despised the thoughts because I did not want them, I wanted him to be it. So I told myself it was unfair of me to not trust him since we had a bad experience, just because he had done it before didn’t mean it was his fault or that he knew, I should have done my own research to know how much to take, cause that was the problem we took too much. But I remember feeling like I wished he had put more care and planning into such a vulnerable space he was taking me to. He was careless with my spirituality, and that is what the voices of doubt were trying to tell me… realizing this now.

I am going to respond to the rest of your post in a separate box and let this be by itself, fill free to respond before I reply to the rest.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“The thing I want more than anything in my life right now is friends who are like me in this way, like you, but I need people in person…  I am ready to meet people who can raise my vibration and teach me“- maybe a Buddhist community in your area will be such a place where you can meet in-person others with chakra/ vibration-level awareness?

-You know what, I have actually looked into this. But something held me back and I am not sure what, but I do think that I should and will.

“Interesting. So it’s the dynamic of someone having expectations for me, and my desire to complete them and win their love. I need to be careful of this dynamic“- yes. If you tried hard, early on, as a hatchling, to make your (figuratively blind) father SEE you, and you failed, the desire to make him see you didn’t die. It awakens with the next figuratively blind person in your life (N) who reminds you of your father in some ways (such as his focus on making money).

-So in other words, as long as the next partner I am with is not a “figuratively blind person” then that desire/dynamic won’t awaken in me?

“So when I arrived in Portland last weekend“- wait, I thought that your parents lived in WA… they don’t?

-They do but I fly into the Portland airport.

You wrote in response to my dads message “– I hope so.. I am impressed by his wording, wow.”

-I am very skeptical of F, he confuses me though. He taps into this understanding at times, but then the scary part is he can leave the space at any time. I don’t think he has the bandwidth to see all of me, like you said earlier “- they have a narrow logic/ understanding and when SEEING you requires a wider logic on their part, they don’t try to expand their understanding, but reject the required understanding as ridiculous, something not worthy of their time and effort.” And I hope it is not a manipulation I am not seeing through, but I feel like he is becoming aware that there are things he can’t see, and things he missed. Like the small dinner we had when he was in town for a golf trip, remember? the tears in his eyes when he asked me “so how did you go from being a jock to this artist?” I want to be skeptical of tears, like you have said before and like N would show when it was convenient for him, also my dad was drinking that day. But then when I was in town recently, he soberly, in the morning, at the intermission of my sisters performance actually, he asked that question again. As if it is something he has certainly asked himself, like how did he miss the signs that I was an artist, a very significant part of who I am. Recently he has also admitted to me that he was not present in our childhoods, he said “you guys wouldn’t have been able to tell but when I played and laughed with you guys typically I was thinking about work and stressed about the mortgage.” In my head I remember thinking “we knew.” Another way he is out of touch is with my brother, he takes no outward responsibility for my brothers suffering and loss of self, my dad thinks it is because of my mom or some mental illness. Anita, it is so strange my dad, sometimes he feels in touch and other times he is completely robotic. I told him this once when I was in High-school that I saw him as two people, the comment went over his head, but I have always felt this with him. He is also the person actually that got me to look towards eastern philosophy, such as the author Eckhart Tolle, he gave me the book “The Power of Now.” and my uncle, his right hand man at his company, told me about the book “untethered soul.” In my family we speak about philosophical topics of these books, my dads side of the family, the same side that is “out of touch.” I am excited actually to go home for Christmas cause I never know what kind of conversations I will have with my family members on that side. My dads side is philosophical and out of touch, starting with my grandfather. While my mom’s side is highly empathetic, yet also socially out of touch, overly affectionate and hyper-emotional.

You quoted me: “It is confusing because he still gaslights and is someone I have to be cautious of but in these moments I feel  Am I being naive? Is he all Shark?“- I don’t know. It is difficult to say because an important part of his work is one-to-one PR, isn’t it? And being as successful as he is, suggests to me that he is versed in saying all the right things to the right people, talking their language so to draw them in.. I don’t want you to confuse Style (him talking your language, the italicized above) and Substance (him believing in the italicized above).

It’ll be interesting to hear (or read) how he talks to people who think very differently from you…

-Yes in his line of work he has to talk to people in their language. What is interesting is when I was home last, after the conversation about N sort of ended and we were still in a deeper space talking about his girl L, I asked him “Are you ever afraid that you accidentally carry your work self over to your personal life and manipulate family how you have to your clients?” He called it a grey area (this is where I stay skeptical of F, but I try to still listen with love because he is, I believe, trying to be as honest as his Mo will allow) basically he said he manipulates for a living and it is bound to bleed into his personal life. But then he sort of started to talk about money, he changed the topic to something he was more comfortable in, you know somehow the conversation turned into how the government manipulates and covid is made in a lab blah blah, I could see right through it, it was him really saying to me “I lost power in the conversation and now I am taking it back.” I let him go on but then just said that topics like what he was talking about make me sad, I asked “why do you like to talk about these negative things?” and he said “They make me feel grounded.” Then we realized we needed to leave for my sisters performance, we got lost in conversation actually and were almost late! lol.

“– Being mostly Teflon (not asking why or listen to the whys) is his way to NOT feel pain . Understanding further (asking why) is your way to.. not feel pain, or to lessen your pain. Same is true to me: the more I learn and understand, the lesser my pain.”

I told this to N, when we were together. He would say that his way was the stoic way to peace, to be unbothered. that was his excuse to stay there. Inevitably I finally listened and left him there.

“- your mother paid for yours and N’s flight?”

No, just mine.

“- I bet you can ask at the ticket counter- if not earlier- to be seated elsewhere and you can explain why. I assume the flight crew is interested in preventing conflict between passengers.”

-For some reason I feel like I should just let what happens happen… I am not sure why but there is some part of me that wants to  make amends and allow a friendship if he is capable. I am not sure if this is wishful thinking, but I just wonder if there is some way for me to be there for him if he is struggling. His family is falling apart right now, he does not like to be home his sister left and his brother bullied him as a kid. He just does not have anyone very genuine in his family, except his sister who is aloof, staying away from the bad vibrations that is their home.

“- wait, are you saying that you fell out of love with N?”

I am no longer “in-love” with him. I gave up hope that he is the right partner for me. But I do still love him as a person, and I care for him. There is a huge part of him that wants to be loved, his mom did not show much affection and his dad was aloof. I want him to be loved. I don’t think he loves himself very much, I think he did more when I first met him, he took himself to yoga and took care of his body in a self love type of way, fed himself well, he cooks very well, but that is as deep as he loves himself.

“– I think that all people are .. shall I say, created-in-the-image of a high vibrational self, and then things happen that lower the vibrational level for the great majority of people…Which reminds me- I JUST realized- my personal connection to sea turtles from the time I was a child:….the camera followed sea turtles from the time they hatched out of their eggs on the shore, to the time they reached the ocean and after, detailing all the dangers they faced…This is how I view mental- emotional health/ vibration level: it’s lowered and lowered for most from the time we come to be…I don’t believe in destiny, as in there is someone special for you, pre-destined for you. I hope that as you date again, you will look for the vibrational level of the man…making each other shine brighter together than alone.”

-I loved reading about your beliefs and connection to seaturtles! It reminded me of a nature video I remember from childhood, despite my lack of memory as well, the video was about penguins and their life from conception- young adulthood. lol just a random memory but funny both of us remembered some nature documentary following young animals… cause we were one too!

-Do you think you are getting closer to your higher vibrational self, that existed before many things out of your control that lowered it?

-I hope I will seek a vibration rather than a man as well. I want to develop the eyes to see vibration before I am able to fall for the earthly physical things. With N, the problem was that I fell in love with a lot of things that had nothing to do with vibration. He is first of all a very beautiful man.. the most beautiful on the outside that I have ever dated or even see in real life. He is 6 foot 7, has beautiful thick golden hair, and just a strong and sturdy build. Just like the clay molds of a greek god for goodness sakes! It made it so that I was attracted to him, despite a very deeply intimate connection (aka vibrational attraction). I just need to remember a relationship will bare more fruit in the long term if I hold those from my eyes at the beginning and instead try to feel an attraction through other ways that are not purely physical. He was also fun and had positive qualities, it was definitely not all physical I wouldn’t of stayed if he was boring.

“– amazing, I wrote the above (“making each other shine brighter together than alone”) before reading this. So, indeed, you are better alone than together with N, and the right man for you is one with whom you will be better together than alone.”

-I love our “amazing” moments Anita! Exactly, I am better alone. He was like candy that I was addicted and attached too that was harming me inside, unhealthy. I already feel my glow and strength returning to me. I cannot wait (well I can for a while but you know what I mean haha) for someone to glow brighter with, I am just excited it is still in my future and that that wasn’t all there was for me, something I started to believe..

“”You wrote yesterday: “Speaking with you on this platform has raised my vibrations“- same here: speaking with you has raised my vibrations, thank you!!!

-This makes me very happy 🙂 and yes I am currently in AZ.

Seaturtle