It takes two to improve your communication.

That said, arguing about it is clearly not helping, so it’s important to break that pattern. Next time you feel things are heading towards this same argument, choose his tactic instead. Just say: OK, this is not working. I’m going to quietly consider my next move. If necessary, go for a walk or go clean the kitchen or call someone else to chat to.

Next time you talk to him about it, try a slightly different tactic. Tell him honestly how you feel, without blaming him. You need to find a solution to this issue together. He may just find it really difficult to speak his mind. He may not think there is a problem at all! There is, but the problem isn’t that he’s not talkative or that you are. The problem is that you feel miserable about it. And there may be all kinds of ways that problem can be resolved.

Don’t let it drive you crazy. Just calmly try different ways to grow the understanding between you, celebrate little steps you manage to take, and if there’s a setback and things don’t work out: oh well, we’re just trying stuff. Like when you cook without a recipe and it doesn’t turn out so well. No big deal, just try something else next time.

I hope things can improve between you.

Wow, this sounds like me and my boyfriend. I’m naturally quiet and introverted around people that I don’t know but too talkative with my boyfriend. I also ask lots of questions for the sake of conversation because he is much quieter than I am. I’m trying to connect with him but this isn’t the best way obviously. It is really causing a problem for us and I’m in the process of pushing him away because of it. He would rather relax and be quiet. He will engage in conversation to appease me but it’s draining for him because I ask lots of questions. One question leads to another which leads to another. This of course makes him not look forward to talking to me. For some reason I just can’t stop. It wouldn’t be a problem if it were just a short dialog going back and forth for a short while but it’s like I’m trying to unravel his soul or something. It’s like I’m interviewing him. LoL Actually it’s not funny. I’ve been like this in other relationships too so it’s just not him. We don’t argue but he does become cold and irritable. I need help! I love him but I don’t want to drive him away with this behavior.

Ani,

I’m sorry for your relationship troubles, and can understand the difficulty of trying to be intimate with someone that has difficulty opening up, and instead hides. Consider that you come across as very sensitive and strong, a real powerhouse of a woman. And, you’ve mentioned how you have to change him, grow him, and make him different. This is not a good combination, you perhaps crush his tender shoots of self esteem without even trying. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

It makes sense that you’d want, need, more input from his side. Intimacy requires good communication… there are simply too many choices to make that need honesty from both sides, in order to have enough information to make it a skillful choice. If he is not giving that information easily, then it makes sense that you’d want to try to pull it out of him, prod him until he gives it up. Perhaps you also try to steer him before ever finding out his side, telling him what you want and why, before asking him what he wants. Perhaps even assume what you want “is the correct thing” such as “this is what a relationship is supposed to be”, or “you need to talk to me more”, or “I want rice for dinner because that is the best thing for us, what do you want?”

While these things come from a loving and somewhat wise place, they also don’t produce the kind of courage you’re looking for in your partner. If he is withholding or hiding his energy with you, but then is bouncy and fun with others, perhaps he’s fearful of expressing himself to you. Consider for a moment, that perhaps your sensitivity and powerful female energy make it a little extra difficult for him to express things to you. If he said “hey, that thing you did really pissed me off”, would your response be kind, open, curious about what sparked his feelings? Or would you engage with fire, telling him how you feel, how he makes you feel, how his anger “doesn’t count” or “doesn’t fit”?

There are some people that “fill up a room” with their own side of things, wanting to be in control. This is fine, normal and usual, someone has to captain the boat. But its also important to make space for his side to blossom, too. For instance, consider the following:

“Tonight, I wish to give myself to you in whatever way you’re interested. What would you like to do? Go out? Stay in? Watch a movie? Have sex? My only desire is to be together, wherever you wish that togetherness to take us.”

This is keeping your hand on the wheel, keeping your natural role as captain, but allows his side to direct what comes next. After all, more than any movie or dinner or lovemaking, you’re trying to aim at him, right? Instead of “hey, eat this, its good for you”, just bring him to the buffet and hold his hand in yours. More than any specific food (or date night) its the hand holding that is good for you both.

That being said, its also important that you choose sometimes, too. But it could really help him if you were to hold his hand and say something to the effect of “of all the paths that rest before us, my desire is you. Where do you wish us to go?” Then, be curious, open to what he is thinking. Like a cheerleader, rooting on his explorer side. “You want me to lick your ears, OK, let’s do it!” or “You want to watch a low budget sci fi movie, OK, let’s do it!” or “Oh, you want to XYZ and ABC? OK, let’s do it!”

Even if you’re not that interested in the movie or ear licking or XYZ, so what? You’re exploring him, the experience, and him in the experience, so there’s plenty fun to be had even if the movie is dull, or the taste of his ears isn’t particularly alluring.

Finally, its good to keep that hand on the wheel, maintain the control of the intimacy and see it moving where you want it to go. Just keep in mind that good intimacy is more about inviting the other person to join us somewhere special, rather than telling them what to do or how they should be. His desires need to know its safe to come and play, and if you’ve been sensitive and fiery in the past, it may take some time for that feeling of safety to grow for him. Be steadfast. 🙂

Namaste, sister, may your moments grow ever more satisfying.

With warmth,
Matt

Ani…myself dream natasha..i am facing the exact problem u have mentioned.each and every word….as u facing in person….u could understand my pain better…..ppl giving…advice….is simple..but dealing in reality is very hard…plz reply

Hello Prachi, Ani and Natasha

I came on this page after searching ” How to deal with over talkative wife” and it seems that I am the type of person or husband whom you are all discussing and blaming. After reading your thoughts its seems that I am the problem so assuming me as a problem itself I will try to express the felling and thought process of silent and boring type of husbands.

Ani , you have mentioned that your husband is talkative with his friends and he is humorous while talking then you have to understand that there is clear intelligence gap between you and your husband and you have to accept that he is more intelligent and than you. Please don’t judge peoples intelligence from their earnings. Most often intelligent people are silent, secretive and humorous while taking. They are easily distracted by nonsense discussion or talks, and are confused most of the times that what to talk or speak. The talk, which requires mental stimulation or deep thought process suits them or infact they like it. They enjoy discussing deep things or any new theory or any kind of thing which require mental stimulation. They will be in their own thought process most of the time and it requires a lot of energy which they don’t want to use on useless talks. As an example I don’t like to bargain or ask again for price if the matter is of few hundred rupees or if shopkeeper is quoting only 1% higher rate or if the seller is quite poor economically whereas my wife will haggle for even two rupees, will discuss useless things with shopkeeper, will talk a lot before purchasing and after purchasing she will discuss about the product several times. I think that discussing, debating for just few rupees is quite a waste of time and speaking itself drains a lot of energy. I devote more time thinking about the quality of product, price quoted, products market value, shopkeepers margin, shopkeeper behavior, analyzing his body language, his intentions and this make me better in judging other people thought process and intentions. Needless to say that my wife always get irritated from me and my behavior. She thinks that I am weird and stupid. I think a lot before uttering a single word, I try to choose my words carefully, will always try to speak words or sentences  that would put a impact on situation. I hate listening stupid discussion and bombardment of word or sentences which offer no conclusion. For example people will always discuss problems, weather be it someone’s financial or health problems but will not discuss about the solutions and reasons behind the problems and will speak nonsensible for hours where as I hate discussing those things and will only speak when there is a need or if I can be of some help. With this behavior of mine people assume that i am weird or ghamandi. Lot of people had branded me as Ghamandi whereas I think I am the most down to earth person among them. I don’t care about clothes or a person status while interacting them, will never judge people but I hate hypocrites and sweet takers as i know their intentions.

You will not believe that I don’t like to talk or discuss even after having lot of booze instead i love to think a lot after drinking, it helps me connecting with myself. My friends say that i am sadistic  and wife says that i am Aghori as how can a person don’t speak even after drinking. I don’t like to enjoy loud parties.

I was initially thinking to write some solution here for the problem but i will write only if someone will reply here to my thread otherwise why to waste time. I love my own loneliness.