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anita.
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July 1, 2024 at 10:28 pm #434524
Helcat
ParticipantHi Clara
I’m glad that you got to talk to your partner, the conversation went well and it settled your mind.
You did very well handling things! I bet your partner noticed and appreciated that too.
I am sorry to hear that you had no privacy growing up and that your uncle was sexually abusive towards you. That is technically what happened, from your description of the event. Peeping is considered a form of sexual abuse. Did you ever tell your parents? I imagine it was difficult to be around your uncle after that?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 2, 2024 at 1:01 am #434528Chau
ParticipantHello Anita and Helcat,
Thanks you. I will try to remember to act out of love. I guess the whole thing is a bit out of my comprehension. I can’t figure out if she wants to break up, or if she wants to salvage the relationship(or any other motive). The actions do not add up.
If she wants to break up then she has all the opportunities(including yesterday, I kind of prepared for the worst yesterday), or, we can definitely set an earlier date to end this rather than make it the end of the month, if it’s exactly one month it will be 20th, but not 27th. I even mentioned this was very challenging in practice to wait for a month( i assume if you do want to break up then you don’t want to wait also?and no need to deliberately prolong the suffering of someone else if you don’t think the benefit of the longer separation prevails?)But she said she was slow and she needed time to think things through. Plus she said she and I are not dating any other person during this period, so we are still partner in her mind. she even texted me afterwards for giving her this space.
if she wants to continue, why is she not sharing anything at all yesterday. She did not seem to really want to share much, and this is also weird given we haven’t talked for a whole week(and we lived together before that). I did ask if anything came up but she said she would share at the end of month.
It seems the space and time itself, is doing something and she wants them.
Anyways, I should stop thinking the ‘why’. I will never get to know until the end of the month (given she has thought through and know it also) This is out of my comprehension given I do not have more information.
The family issue did impact me quite a bit, so I had been very insecure as a person for a majority part of my adulthood. I don’t think they deliberately peeped, it just happened my mom was oblivious. That uncle passed away and I don’t think he meant evil either. It kind of just happened, but then it made me feel very insecure.
Thanks all for listening, good morning on your side when you see this
Clara
July 2, 2024 at 5:35 am #434536Helcat
ParticipantHi Clara
It is good to hear that your uncle seeing you was an accident. An entirely different situation, but still embarrassing and stressful. Especially when you desperately craved privacy. Perhaps you felt like something like that could happen at any time?
I think as much as you have been hurt by what has happened, so has she. That is why she requested the space. She is hurting. You mentioned that she could barely look at you when you last saw each other.
You mentioned that you overreact sometimes. Perhaps she doesn’t want you to overreact to the situation and her pain. You cannot help how you feel, just as much as she cannot help how she feels. The situation spiralled out of control between you two with an overwhelming level of negativity.
It is hard to comfort someone when you are hurt by them. And there might be a lack of trust that things will be positive. She is taking the time to take care of herself and think things through like she said. It is hard for some people to go from 0 to 100. Things not being good to being affectionate.
I think that because your partner has been taking the time to decide what she wants. It means that she cares. She doesn’t want to make a mistake or hurt you. The whole process has been very stressful on you. But she would have kicked bricks and left immediately if she was sure about how she felt. Perhaps she also feels swayed by what you want because she cares. It might be hard for her to figure out what she wants with you wanting reassurance.
Of course, these are just guesses. Perhaps she is also just busy?
It seems to me like you struggle to understand how your partner feels sometimes. Potentially, because you are focused on your own things. Partially, it seems like she withholds some. Then there is the pain on top of that.
It is difficult when both of your needs conflict. She needs to have space and you need reassurance. She has tried her best. As best as she can while respecting her own needs.
Learning to reassure yourself can be beneficial. I would imagine it is difficult in this case to imagine how she feels because of your own fears and also the idea might be painful because of the painful situation between you.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 2, 2024 at 5:48 am #434537Helcat
ParticipantThe way I think about it your natures are different. You can be hot and cold sometimes, as in go from affectionate to overreacting. And as she said, she is a slower steadier person. If she decides to try again with you, it might not improve her feelings quickly. You both may need to work on rebuilding trust and nurturing a more positive relationship. It would mean living with feelings of insecurity and learning to not overreact to them.
July 2, 2024 at 8:05 am #434548Chau
ParticipantHello Helcat
Thanks. With our different natures I think sometime it takes time for me to understand what she really wants and thinking. I think she has a different operating system. While not knowing or understanding, i can only trust and respect, such as to give her the space she needs.
She is a slower pace person so I can see why she is doing this. but like what you said, it is difficult to imagine how she feels now because i may be skewed towards ‘no break up’. I am not objective at all.
I do expect things will pick up very slowly, even if she wants to try it again. i don’t expect myself move back immediately anyways even if so. Just to make it a slow start, if, we ever start over again
Thanks for the love and best wishes. Same to you
July 2, 2024 at 1:18 pm #434559anita
ParticipantDear Clara:
*I am making this comment after completing this post because I wanted to let you know that it may be distressing to read it. I am sorry.. You are welcome to skip this post, of course.
“I tend to overreact and often the overreacting is the second arrow of suffering in Buddhist’s saying“- overreacting is a source of suffering- not only to the one doing the overreacting- but also, to the recipient of the overreacting, the one in a relationship with an over-reactor.
“she mentioned her not feeling much, and she had to be on tip toe all the time” (earlier)- fear is the consequence of being the recipient of overreacting-= being on tip toe all the time, afraid to make a sound.
“for now I am a bit scared of what will happen“- you are scared of living without her.. maybe, she is scared of living with you.
“I can’t figure out if she wants to break up, or if she wants to salvage the relationship (or any other motive). The actions do not add up. If she wants to break up then she has all the opportunities… if she wants to continue, why is she not sharing anything at all yesterday“- maybe, just maybe, she is/ was afraid of living with you, and she is afraid that you will overreact if she breaks up with you.
I think that fear plays a big part in her behavior and in yours, before and after the break. I can’t see the dynamics between the two of you when you were living together, but maybe you were so focused on your insecurities/ your fear, that you didn’t know how you came across to her, that she was intimidated by you..?
If any of this is true, then your best bet is to address the topic with her, and to promise her- if you are ale to keep the promise– that overreacting will no longer be part of the relationship.
anita
July 2, 2024 at 9:22 pm #434587Chau
ParticipantHi Anita
Thank you.
I think you made a good point, that she might be afraid of making me overreact, and that may be she did not want to trigger me. May be throughout the years, my reaction makes her feel she was at fault all the time, she did mention she didn’t know how to deal with my reaction sometimes.
This morning, it did come across to me that may be it is better if we are apart. Given she has lost the feelings as a partner towards me. She cares, but probably there is something more that is needed to continue as partner. May be she has been suffering for a while and honestly I do not want her to be scared and suffer anymore. Together or not.
Anyhow, i will continue to see the issue that is happening on my side, will go to therapy tomorrow. Will see what comes up
Clara
July 2, 2024 at 9:52 pm #434589Tommy
ParticipantNo one wants to read my posts but, I am stubborn. Yeah, sometimes, a person can get comfortable enough that they control everything. When something goes a little awry yelling and saying things not so loving comes out. I get that a lot from my wife. It does hurt sometimes but, I am a man and have grown up to be resistant to this. Thing must be done whenever she wants it done. I am always wrong in what I do. blah, blah. I take it. Your partner might have gone thru something similar. It doesn’t mean there is no love. Just that current events have taken their toll. A break is never good. But hopefully it will turn out right for both parties.
Keep your distance as necessary but also keep lines of communication open. Working on yourself? Tough when there is no sounding board. A reflection of the things you do that bothers her. How do you change something you are not aware of? I had these problems. So spent lots of time in meditation. Ended up with much reflection of my actions. Insights? And sleeping with my head leaning to one side while sitting up. Okay skip me.
July 3, 2024 at 6:44 am #434597anita
ParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome.
“This morning, it did come across to me that maybe it is better if we are apart….Maybe she has been suffering for a while and honestly I do not want her to be scared and suffer anymore. Together or not“- I boldfaced what love is about.
“Anyhow, I will continue to see the issue that is happening on my side, will go to therapy tomorrow. Will see what comes up“- I think that by this time, you already had your therapy session, and In wonder how what transpired and how you are feeling.
anita
July 3, 2024 at 7:55 am #434602Chau
ParticipantHello Anita,
Having said that, i do genuinely just want to go home and just watch TV with her like what we did eery night, eat dinner together and spend those moments in the house and be with each other. It hurts to think that she might be uncomfortable with me in the house for the whole time. Even thought not the whole time,it is still upsetting to acknowledge this.
My appointment is tomorrow evening, so about 20 hours from now. Will update afterwards
July 3, 2024 at 8:21 am #434607anita
ParticipantDear Clara:
I understand you missing her. “It hurts to think that she might be uncomfortable with me in the house“- it just so happens that an article on emotion regulation (or emotional regulation) appeared on my newsfeed yesterday, msn. com en-us/ health/ other/ exploring-emotional-regulation-techniques, about how very helpful it is to one’s health and relationships. The better you regulate your emotions, the healthier you are, and the healthier your relationships.
Post again anytime. Remember, this is your journal, if you want it to be.
anita
July 4, 2024 at 2:57 pm #434672Helcat
ParticipantHi Clara
The best way to deal with feeling pain about hurting someone is to learn from it, apologise and commit to changing.
Figuring out where you learned hurtful behaviours can be helpful too when it comes to forgiving yourself. Forgiving yourself is important.
Sometimes when a person has habits of blaming themselves they are very sensitive to anything they might perceive as blame. I have had this issue with myself and my partner.
Things happen and sometimes people feel certain things. Sometimes feelings are a result of insecurities that arise. Feelings of insecurity that arose in situations are mentioned and they might see it as blame. The best way I found to deal with this is do directly say “I am feeling this and it has nothing to do with you. I am not blaming you for it, it is just a feeling that arose in this moment.”
I also had difficulties with overreacting. The way I learned to deal with this was by identifying disproportionate thoughts and feelings. Feelings are not always right, they are quite often just there. It is not your partner’s job to make you feel better every time a random hurt feeling comes up. By understanding when a feeling didn’t fit the situation. I found it easier to disentangle those feelings from my partner which enabled me to deal with them myself and made it easier to let go of.
I think it should be pointed out that your partner’s reaction is also part of her pattern, it is not just a result of pain from her interactions with you. A lot of people feel hurt in relationships and not everyone chooses to go on a break.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 4, 2024 at 6:21 pm #434682Chau
ParticipantHi all
Thank you. I went to my first therapy session yesterday.
The therapist tried to explore the pattern with our childhood.
For me, I grew up with some insecurity issues, wanted to get protection as I mentioned earlier(I think that’s how i wanted closeness), while my father was very explosive(emotionally) He would force me to go eat breakfast with him but there are times when I didn’t want to, to a point i cried really hard thinking why was he forcing me to do something I didn’t want to. He had problem when people get emotional or cry and i still remembered he scolded me for crying. He couldn’t tolerate people having vulnerable emotions, he would go head to head and gets very confrontational, or explosive. This happened to me, to his colleagues(which usually result in things falling apart), to my mom and elder brother, basically anyone who is against him(even the slightest). He was also very judgmental, in a heated argument I had with him before(I learned stand against him when i got older) , he called me useless and loser because I didn’t get married. It was so hurtful for me, I almost ran away from home that time
So from young I have learned to hide my emotions, and just dealt with it myself. I feel this is what happened when i swallowed my emotions, and not let her know that I was sad. I didn’t have the appropriate tools to express my emotions(while I think i am naturally born very sentimental). Similar thing might have happened when she came home late, I don’t often text or call he during the time, because I didn’t want to upset her. Once she gets home, she realized i was upset and she was caught by surprise.
We touched on her upbringing as well, her parents were very strict and she didn’t have much autonomy when she was a kid. So now, if asked for closeness and assurance, she might feel bounded and wants to escape. So the way my therapist saw it was, we are the classical pursuer distancer dynamic. It is to what extend we can live with it.
My therapist was saying: may be you unconsciously reminded her of how her parents treated her, while you want assurance and closeness. If this is the case, of course our love feeling dies down.
I didn’t make my second appointment, I feel I have cleared a lot on my side. The interaction pattern, my childhood insecurity, the way to regulate my insecurity when I feel it(meditate/ exercise/ breath/ distract). I also think in our relationship we got lazy and we didn’t celebrate much or go on a date etc.
All I have to do, is to stay calm and collected. It is hard to imagine we are breaking up(we might be heading that direction though), but I will clear the reasons why so that we have properly closure.
When asked whether I leaned towards the possibility of break up vs she just needs time to restart, I answered I really didn’t have a concrete direction(with her reactions i really feel very ambivalent, unsure how much is my projection though, she might think she was very clear i really dunno). I guess that probably should be my stance when i meet her. Be open-minded and see what comes up.
The therapist did encourage me to write letter/ email to her, for important insight like this. She can choose to read or not. But she mentioned she is one of those who compartmentize things, the emotions do not get in her, it’s all in the head, not in the heart. I am still pondering on this. But she encouraged me to lead the discussion when it comes to emotions, I am obviously a lot more introspective and have gone to a deeper level when it comes to emotions.
Thanks all, best wishes to you
July 4, 2024 at 6:51 pm #434684anita
ParticipantDear Clara:
I wish you had a 2nd and 3rd, etc., session with this therapist. One session is not enough.
anita
July 4, 2024 at 8:15 pm #434688Chau
ParticipantHello Anita
We mentioned about the follow up, but I think I also need to sink in a bit on what we discussed, she thinks I am quite stable at the moment and there is no urgent needs . I am opened to meeting her again to further our conversation though, I will be travelling the week after so I am thinking may be prior / after meeting my partner instead.
Clara
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