Hello Helcat

Thanks. With our different natures I think sometime it takes time for me to understand what she really wants and thinking. I think she has a different operating system. While not knowing or understanding, i can only trust and respect, such as to give her the space she needs.

She is a slower pace person so I can see why she is doing this. but like what you said, it is difficult to imagine how she feels now because i may be skewed towards ‘no break up’. I am not objective at all.

I do expect things will pick up very slowly, even if she wants to try it again. i don’t expect myself move back immediately anyways even if so. Just to make it a slow start, if, we ever start over again

Thanks for the love and best wishes. Same to you

Hi Anita

Thank you.

I think you made a good point, that she might be afraid of making me overreact, and that may be she did not want to trigger me. May be throughout the years, my reaction makes her feel she was at fault all the time, she did mention she didn’t know how to deal with my reaction sometimes.

This morning, it did come across to me that may be it is better if we are apart. Given she has lost the feelings as a partner towards me. She cares, but probably there is something more that is needed to continue as partner. May be she has been suffering for a while and honestly I do not want her to be scared and suffer anymore. Together or not.

Anyhow, i will continue to see the issue that is happening on my side, will go to therapy tomorrow. Will see what comes up

Clara

Hi all

Thank you. I went to my first therapy session yesterday.

The therapist tried to explore the pattern with our childhood.

For me, I grew up with some insecurity issues, wanted to get protection as I mentioned earlier(I think that’s how i wanted closeness), while my father was very explosive(emotionally) He would force me to go eat breakfast with him but there are times when I didn’t want to, to a point i cried really hard thinking why was he forcing me to do something I didn’t want to. He had problem when people get emotional or cry and i still remembered he scolded me for crying. He couldn’t tolerate people having vulnerable emotions, he would go head to head and gets very confrontational, or explosive. This happened to me, to his colleagues(which usually result in things falling apart), to my mom and elder brother, basically anyone who is against him(even the slightest). He was also very judgmental, in a heated argument I had with him before(I learned stand against him when i got older) , he called me useless and loser because I didn’t get married. It was so hurtful for me, I almost ran away from home that time

So from young I have learned to hide my emotions, and just dealt with it myself. I feel this is what happened when i swallowed my emotions, and not let her know that I was sad. I didn’t have the appropriate tools to express my emotions(while I think i am naturally born very sentimental). Similar thing might have happened when she came home late, I don’t often text or call he during the time, because I didn’t want to upset her. Once she gets home, she realized i was upset and she was caught by surprise.

We touched on her upbringing as well, her parents were very strict and she didn’t have much autonomy when she was a kid. So now, if asked for closeness and assurance, she might feel bounded and wants to escape. So the way my therapist saw it was, we are the classical pursuer distancer dynamic. It is to what extend we can live with it.

My therapist was saying: may be you unconsciously reminded her of how her parents treated her, while you want assurance and closeness. If this is the case, of course our love feeling dies down.

I didn’t make my second appointment, I feel I have cleared a lot on my side. The interaction pattern, my childhood insecurity, the way to regulate my insecurity when I feel it(meditate/ exercise/ breath/ distract). I also think in our relationship we got lazy and we didn’t celebrate much or go on a date etc.

All I have to do, is to stay calm and collected. It is hard to imagine we are breaking up(we might be heading that direction though), but I will clear the reasons why so that we have properly closure.

When asked whether I leaned towards the possibility of break up vs she just needs time to restart, I answered I really didn’t have a concrete direction(with her reactions i really feel very ambivalent, unsure how much is my projection though, she might think she was very clear i really dunno). I guess that probably should be my stance when i meet her. Be open-minded and see what comes up.

The therapist did encourage me to write letter/ email to her, for important insight like this. She can choose to read or not. But she mentioned she is one of those who compartmentize things, the emotions do not get in her, it’s all in the head, not in the heart. I am still pondering on this. But she encouraged me to lead the discussion when it comes to emotions, I am obviously a lot more introspective and have gone to a deeper level when it comes to emotions.

Thanks all, best wishes to you

Hello Anita

We mentioned about the follow up, but I think I also need to sink in a bit on what we discussed, she thinks I am quite stable at the moment and there is no urgent needs . I am opened to meeting her again to further our conversation though, I will be travelling the week after so I am thinking may be prior / after meeting my partner instead.

Clara