Taking a break

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This topic has 93 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.

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June 30, 2024 at 1:01 pm #434432

Helcat
Participant

Hi Clara

I think because the initial idea of being no contact and then last minute changing your mind when you were leaving that might be confusing. You also specified that she can message you if she needs anything. Specifically meaning that you won’t be contacting her if you need anything.

For example, you had a perfectly valid reason to reach out to your partner when your worst fear happened with your mother if you wanted to. Yet, you chose not to. You chose to stick to the 30 day rule.

Honestly, your friends are not wrong. Tommy is not wrong. I have never seen good come of a break like this. This break is also an opportunity to see if you are both happier without each other. Possibly not the best idea when a partner is questioning whether they have feelings for you, especially with all of the recent negativity. You know your own relationship best though.

It sounds like you panicked when you suggested the idea and you both panicked because you didn’t know what to do because the situation was so bad between you and decided that the only option was to go through with it.

Is there a possibility that you suggested this initially to allow the relationship to end on your own terms?

I really hope that I am wrong about all of this and wish you both all the best of luck though.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

June 30, 2024 at 3:29 pm #434444

Chau
Participant

hi all

i think you are right

i was a bit too cruel to myself and not contacted her, even something bad happened last thur

i think it is legit to reach out to her , to say that the expectation does not aligh( i cant contact her and i gave her the allowance verbally), evidented by my mom’s situation( and that hurts)

and if we were to continue with this break the logistic, i may need the agreememt to reach out if needed. or we just end things directly may be better

this seems less cruel to myself also

Clara

June 30, 2024 at 3:30 pm #434445

Chau
Participant

the logistic , the date the time etc needs to be sorted out

June 30, 2024 at 3:53 pm #434447

Chau
Participant

<p style=”text-align: left;”>i think i did not expect her to contacr me anytime, my source of suffering is my ruminating thought of what would happen after this</p>
even so, by expecting myself not contating her whatever happeend and her able to do so to me, this is not a right expectation

I will initiate a talk with her to clarify

thanks all

June 30, 2024 at 6:42 pm #434451

Helcat
Participant

Hi Clara

The advice that follows is for your current choice of requesting communication.

I know all of this hurts so much and you have been trying so hard to stay positive to stay strong and get through it.

Right now you need to compose yourself before sending any messages.

If she is okay with talking that might be helpful. Don’t panic. Ideas born of panic are not good. Try asking without an ultimatum. Ultimatums damage relationships. Try being vulnerable, as uncomfortable as it is people respond to vulnerability. Being defensive only causes a further rift between you and your partner.

A suggestion for if she says yes to contact. Focus on positive communication – this means nothing negative about the relationship. She asked for space and time to heal from the negativity. I think that you also need that too.

If she says no. Then you can decide what you want to do moving forward. Be respectful about it.

Being scared about what is going to happen next has only caused negativity and further damaged the relationship. Rumination does not protect you or make things easier, it causes pain and increases anxiety. Rumination is the enemy.

For all of your concerns and everything that has been said your partner hasn’t ended the relationship. When you are afraid, focus on that. Reflect on your memories of your long relationship together. Practice reassuring yourself.

And to balance it out, reassure yourself that you will be okay and cope no matter what happens. Breathe! You got this.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

June 30, 2024 at 7:40 pm #434454

Chau
Participant

thank you

i just sent her a message this morning

just as anita suggested i said there are things which are unclear to me, and i want to clarify and discuss with her, if she is ok

i tried to make it factual and clear, and ask if she is ok to talk

will update if she responds

thanks all

Clara

June 30, 2024 at 7:46 pm #434455

anita
Participant

Dear Clara: wishing the best for you, looking forward to her response, if she responds. You will be okay either way.

anita

June 30, 2024 at 10:18 pm #434456

Tommy
Participant

I do not understand the reason for this separation?? Why are you taking this break from each other? Are you angry with each other? Has one person done something to the other? Was there cheating? Or is it just issues that keep coming up which hurt each other?

This seems all to familiar. Like banging heads against the wall. As a kid I did this, bang my head against the wall. Why? Because it felt good when I stopped. Yeah, not a smart kid. Learnt that at an early age. Anyway, you have a relationship. There was love there once and now it’s gone? Have the feelings changed so much that there has to be this split to be able to reconcile your differences?

Personally, I hope you two reconcile and live happily ever after. But, we all know that living with another person will have its ups and downs. It will have its joys and sorrows. But, we do it together. That is the bond we should have. Please call her. talk with her. Ask what is going on between you two. How did you end up in this situation? Nothing gets reconciled by not talking. Silence only creates distance.

Dear Clara,

I hope this post finds you well. Healthy, happy and safe. I wish nothing but the best for you. Nothing gets better from being apart unless there is really true love. Hungry love. Young love. Like the saying goes, Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And hopefully if you care more then it will prompt you to change so you can enjoy the happiness. If one is not happy with themselves then how can one be happy with another person? One can not depend on another to make them happy. You must be happy with you first then another person will add to your life. Otherwise all we find is disappointment. My advice is to find happiness within yourself so you can share this with the people in your life. Best wishes and much love for you in the future.

Tommy

PS, Good luck with whatever happens or whatever you decide to do.

June 30, 2024 at 11:25 pm #434458

Chau
Participant

hi all

she responded quite quickly. we had a phone call.

I told her two things

1) i told her about the incidence of my mom, and i refrained myself from contacting her. while i allowed her to text me if something major happened, i didnt allow myself to do the same. I said i wanted to compromise that we can contact each other if anything happens. in my mind we sre still together, and with such big thing i woild really want to talk to her, to which she agreed immediately

2) i asked for specific date when we will talk .about how we should move forward, we made a date in the end of jul

i confirmed that we are on a break but on broke up. and i confirmed the definition, which means we are still exclusive to each other and we are not dating anyone else.

i shared with her i did a lot of soul searching, inseurity did come up but i tried to treat it as my homework to prepare for the relationship.

overall, i think this has settled my mind better. to have a confirmation and direction of where she is heading to, instead of just imagining myself

thanks everyone

June 30, 2024 at 11:26 pm #434459

Chau
Participant

i confirmed that we are on a break but on broke up—> not broke up

July 1, 2024 at 8:46 am #434474

anita
Participant

Dear Clara:

You are welcome and a delight to read your most recent post.

“I said I wanted to compromise that we can contact each other if anything happens… I asked for specific date when we will talk about how we should move forward, we made a date in the end of July“- congratulations on doing an excellent job communicating with her clearly, honestly and assertively!

“she responded quite quickly… to which she agreed immediately“- this is encouraging, she cares about you.

“I confirmed that we are on a break but not broken up, and I confirmed the definition, which means we are still exclusive to each other and we are not dating anyone else… Overall, I think this has settled my mind better, to have a confirmation and direction of where she is heading to, instead of just imagining“- you are ripping the benefits of real-life clear, honest and assertive communication vs imagining and ruminating.

“I shared with her I did a lot of soul searching… as my homework to prepare for the relationship“- you are welcome to use your thread as one place to do this homework.

I sill think that looking into your anxious attachment style can be helpful to you. There are books on the topic such as How to Heal an Anxious Attachment Style, Healing Your Anxious Attachment Style, and Anxious Attachment Recovery.

Here is a quotes from the latter: “Anxious attachment turns love into a battlefield. It is a space where insecurities wage war against the self, where the soul is torn between the innate human need for connection and the paralyzing fear of rejection and abandonment. It is a dance of opposites, where love is both sought and feared, where connection is both craved and resisted”. Does this reads like something you can relate to?

anita

July 1, 2024 at 6:31 pm #434513

Chau
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thank you, your words reminded me to think more clearly about the situation indeed. I really shouldn’t just ignore all my needs and push myself to this point where I stick to the one month at all cost. This may just create resentment at the end if not properly addressed , if I don’t have a clear-head I may just blame her for all of these and forget that each relationship has two sides. So yes, voice out clearly does help to make this all more workable. Even if she does not agree or does not respond, I have done my part.

The reading does resonate. Probably because my past relationships were not successful, and as a child, there was no personal space for myself(I shared flat with a big families). I still remember the window of my bathroom was broken, and I often am scared someone on the other side would be able to peep, my parents have no sense of privacy, my mom would walk in(the door often has no lock) while I was showering, I remember there was one time an uncle was outside and I think he saw me shower, and I remembered I tried to use a towel to cover myself. Thinking of these make me feel a bit insecure still.

I understand it is the lack of knowledge in my parents’ generation, and probably they grew up that way which caused them oblivious of how impactful these seemingly minor things can harm to a child.

I think these are some of the root causes of my insecurity. I reviewed them before but I think i never actually did anything to deal with them, just did the first step to acknowledge of these incidences that happened before. I think I struggled to forgive my parents for a quite a period of time, while they didn’t even know what i was angry or irritated about. I reconciled with my parents(primarily I decided on the reconciliation and forgive and let things go cause nth was talked about), and I have a good relationship with them now. Just that I don’t think they know what I have been through, and I don’t think they would understand what it was.

So yea, I think I am naturally very empathic and sentimental and wants to get close to some ppl, but yet I think somehow I know people can be a source of danger(with them and myself aware of it, conscious of it or not).

i will try to look at the books you recommend as well

Have a goodnight

July 1, 2024 at 7:17 pm #434516

anita
Participant

Dear Clara:

You are welcome!

“I will try to look at the books you recommend”– well, I didn’t read any of the three books I mentioned, so I can’t recommend any of them (I googled the topic earlier today, and came across these books and other books/ online sources), but I do recommend that you read about the anxious attachment style.

“So, yes, voice out clearly“- yes!!!

“As a child, there was no personal space for myself“- time to take your personal space now, to voice out clearly what you need.. to no longer make do with no personal space/ no- Clara!

“I think I struggled to forgive my parents for a quite a period of time, while they didn’t even know what I was angry or irritated about“- isn’t it something, how visible you were to them physically, even while taking a shower, but you were invisible when it came to your emotions.

“I think somehow I know people can be a source of danger“- don’t hide your legitimate needs out of fear. It takes courage, and you, Clara, you have what it takes!

Thank you for the good (Mon) night wish, and good Tues morning to you!

anita

July 1, 2024 at 8:18 pm #434519

Chau
Participant

Dear Anita

I see my issue, from this incidence, is that I tend to overreact and often the overreacting is the second arrow of suffering in Buddhist’s saying. If I could clarify this earlier, or ideally on spot, then i wouldn’t have endured this week’s suffering as much as I had.

Catching the monkey mind requires a very good reflection of what I am feeling, and skills to catch it. it’s not easy but I guess I can try to detach myself instead of immersing myself in those emotions, which I was for the past week. Although I do empathize myself since this is still very upsetting to hear your partner grow apart , but afterall, not everyone is a buddha or saint so I guess my reaction is pretty normal.

Throughout the years I have learned not to expect your family to be the family that you wish for. We are blood related but that does not mean they are the ones who can understand you or give you comfort that you look for. I also learned that I am the only person who has the gift and opportunities to cultivate my knowledge and wisdom, so I kind of asked myself to take a more heavy responsibilities in terms of the relationship with my family.

don’t hide your legitimate needs out of fear- this is so true, for now I am a bit scared of what will happen, but if I want to pursue love, this fear needs to be addressed and contained or even elimiated

Thanks Anita and all

Clara

July 1, 2024 at 8:45 pm #434522

anita
Participant

Dear Clara:

It is Mon night here and I may have a few more words for you in the morning (maybe, maybe not), but for now, as to: “for now I am a bit scared of what will happen, but if I want to pursue love, this fear needs to be addressed“- Fear vs Love: place your focus, your time, your resources- all on love, be about love. If she believes it’s good for her to separate from you permanently- let it be, accept it, support her in the choice she makes- that’s what love is about. You will be stronger for it.

She is not as important as YOU in your life. Make the Focus of your life be on a personal space that’s big enough for you, that does not necessitate her being there. I hope this is making sense..?

anita
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