Home→Forums→Relationships→Taking a break
- This topic has 265 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 months, 3 weeks ago by
anita.
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June 29, 2024 at 11:42 am #434392
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome, it is delightful to read your journal entry!
“Last night I called my friend who learned somatic experiencing technique. She guided me a bit which helped me feel more grounded“- Somatic Experiencing, I read, also known as Somatic Therapy is a form of therapy that directs the client’s attention away from the mind (thoughts)=> down to the body where blocked emotions are held as a result of trauma (sensations), as the starting point of therapy (as opposed to traditional talk therapy).
“Proud of myself for trying hard during the challenging time“- and I am proud of you too!
“I will definitely remember to be kind and empathetic to myself and to my partner… I am not prepared for the bad things to happen (she breaks up with me/ she lied to me), then I would have not been prepared for this. It’s so hard to find the balance, to be positive yet expects the worst“- balance it with Somatic Experiencing: remove your attention from your thinking and overthinking and place your attention in your body: notice your breathing: is it constricted, shallow? Take slower, deeper breaths.
“This morning I went volunteer… Today I also did some shopping.. Will post again, have a good morning on your side“- excellent job, Clara, I am impressed, and thank you: it is a sunny morning here! I am looking forward to your next post/ journal entry.
anita
June 29, 2024 at 5:44 pm #434397
TommyParticipantJust thinking to myself, so do not read if you do not want to.
When is it ever good news to hear a couple has separated for a period of time? Never is the answer. Being in a relationship means to be committed to each other. Good times, hard times and so on. When asked if you still like me, the answer should come easily. When there is silence then … Is the person bored and want something new? Why did this relationship turn into something disposable? It makes no sense to me. If you move in together then there must have been some sort of love and not just lust? Maybe some people do not understand that living together means much work to handle another’s sh!t. You find out how much you love your parents when they become old and you have to take care of them. It is a burden. But, one that we know we must get thru. So, living with your partner should mean taking the sh!t and working thru it together not separate. People who want to be separate are those looking for someone else or something else. If one is not happy with themselves then they won’t be happy with anyone. They will constantly look for the side with greener grass.
In hetero marriages, women are about 80% to initiate divorce proceedings. They say the marriage was over long before the divorce. Hitting the man with divorce from out of nowhere. And, the divorce women will often find it that much easier to marry and divorce again. So, as soon as they are bored or become unhappy, out comes the legal proceedings to split. I do not know if this is true but is what I have heard.
I am guessing that it is harder to find a person who has values which correspond with yours. No contact? Meaning do whatever you want to do without guilt or any sense of loyalty? No reporting? No caring. No sharing. Wow, how this must hurt. Like being left at the altar. Thinking one is in a real relationship and then having the rug pulled out from under one’s feet. Let down hard. All one wants to do is to hear her voice again. Hold her, Kiss her, look into her eyes and feel safe. But, it is out of reach.
Sorry for my rant. I wish you well and hope the next relationship is better.
June 30, 2024 at 2:22 am #434404
ChauParticipanthi all,
Thanks for reading my story and sharing your story. I have heard a lot of perspectives and I appreacite each and everyone of yours. But one thing that I find most true is we all come from various backgrounds, with our own assumption and our own strength and challenges, and so the stories and perspectives that come out can be vastly different.
I am still holding on to the belief that she is using this time to calm down and break some of our negative patterns. In my mind, I am imaging more towards we will reconcile, but not break up. But of course that is just something in my imagination now. But sometime I would also wonder why she didn’t text me after a whole week, while I opened that option(the imagination goes on and on)
I think most of the friends think this is a very cruel way to figure out a relationship, While one on hand i think yes this is very torturing, on the other hand I feel this is what is meant by ‘together’, if she has a down time, I am with her until she is up again. Or until we separate
For me for now, we are still together so I am still hanging on. I think I know the ‘why'(to be in this with her together because I am committed to it and I love her), so I am doing the ‘how'(know that i have to find ways to let her have the space)
This may sounds totally stupid to some, but I guess that’s what I am thinking now
Anyhow, going to jog today, as promised, the daily exercies
Thanks for all the feedback again
Chau
June 30, 2024 at 8:39 am #434410anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome.
“I think most of the friends think this is a very cruel way to figure out a relationship”- is this what your girlfriend herself meant after you brought up the idea of taking a break, and she said it was “too extreme“?
anita
June 30, 2024 at 8:47 am #434411ChauParticipantHi Anita
Or may be things were that bad or no other alternative, when I first brought it up. But somehow, here we are and we are doing this (torturing to each other i assume, I recognize she must not be feeling good right now also)
Clara
June 30, 2024 at 8:55 am #434413anitaParticipantDear Clara:
When the two of you decided on taking this break, did you decide on the particular date contact will resume and who will contact whom?
anita
June 30, 2024 at 9:03 am #434415ChauParticipantHi Anita
We just said review in a month, and i did tell her to contact me in between if she wants to talk with me earlier(she needed the break afterall). Didn’t say who would contact who
Clara
June 30, 2024 at 9:05 am #434416ChauParticipantNow i do realize we did it a bit hasty, we said it on sat, then on sun i already moved away. I feel a lot of the logistics were not properly addressed. Other than the date and whether we still keep in touch during this period of time
Clara
June 30, 2024 at 9:17 am #434417anitaParticipantDear Clara:
It’s a shame that the logistics were not properly addressed because if you both agreed on a specific date (and the time in the day) that the break will end, and who will contact whom on that way, and in what way (text, phone call, a meeting in-person), and if you both agreed that there will be no contact until that date, then maybe you could put it out of your mind.
But with no clear parameters to the break and you telling her to contact you if she wants to talk during the supposed break.. makes it very difficult. I mean, once you invited her to contact you during the break, you invalidated the break. There is no break when the agreement is that one of the parties may contact the other.
anita
June 30, 2024 at 9:22 am #434418ChauParticipantHi Anita
that is true
I said it before I left the house, I was emotional and did not think through, afterall she was the one who needed it so i was thinking she could be the one who ends it, even earlier
any suggestion on what can be done? I mean obviously I will have to wait for at least a month to contact. Probably address the logistic when it is closer?
Clara
June 30, 2024 at 9:41 am #434419anitaParticipantDear Clara:
I misunderstood earlier the nature of your break: I thought it was a no-contact break. I didn’t know it’s an ambiguous kind of a break.
“obviously I will have to wait for at least a month to contact“- not necessarily. You can message her, starting with what you wrote here in your most recent post, that you were emotional and did not think things through in regard to the nature of the break, and because the two of you were not clear about it, you are now confused and would like it that the two of you come up with a clear definition of this break: its objectives, length of time, date or reunion (if any..?).
You are more likely to be calmer if the exchange with her (the above suggestion) will be online vs last time when the exchange with her was in-person.
anita
June 30, 2024 at 9:47 am #434420ChauParticipantdear anita
it was a no contact break so far. we talked about no contact, and it was only right before i left i became a bit emotional, and said she could contact me if there is anything. so far, she didnt.
at that time, i asked her to take a rest and think if she can clear her mind of the “feeling” she has for me(and whether she has it or not), and we can discuss based ok that after a month
but the logistic(exact date etc) were not properly addressed
June 30, 2024 at 9:52 am #434421ChauParticipanti am a bit confused as to why you think the nature was not clear, is it because i said it she could contact me, so that may make her think if she does not contact me, then i cannot contact her even if its after a month? thanks
June 30, 2024 at 10:09 am #434424anitaParticipantDear Clara:
“I am a bit confused as to why you think the nature was not clear, is it because I said it she could contact me..?“- yes, because the way it is, you are waiting for her to contact you any day, anytime. No wonder this is so difficult for you. If you expected absolute no contact for 30 days, let’s say, you could have some peace of mind for 29 days.
As is, you expect that she may call you anytime, any day, but she expects you to not contact her for a month?
anita
June 30, 2024 at 1:01 pm #434432
AnonymousInactiveHi Clara
I think because the initial idea of being no contact and then last minute changing your mind when you were leaving that might be confusing. You also specified that she can message you if she needs anything. Specifically meaning that you won’t be contacting her if you need anything.
For example, you had a perfectly valid reason to reach out to your partner when your worst fear happened with your mother if you wanted to. Yet, you chose not to. You chose to stick to the 30 day rule.
Honestly, your friends are not wrong. Tommy is not wrong. I have never seen good come of a break like this. This break is also an opportunity to see if you are both happier without each other. Possibly not the best idea when a partner is questioning whether they have feelings for you, especially with all of the recent negativity. You know your own relationship best though.
It sounds like you panicked when you suggested the idea and you both panicked because you didn’t know what to do because the situation was so bad between you and decided that the only option was to go through with it.
Is there a possibility that you suggested this initially to allow the relationship to end on your own terms?
I really hope that I am wrong about all of this and wish you both all the best of luck though.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
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