Hi Anita

this is an aha moment for me when i read your reply. Fist thank you for taking time to review so many of our past messages, to find a pattern that I didnt realize or put a name to it. Once u said it, it all made sense that I probably did something to wear out the relationship, may be over react when she goes out, may be other so called insecurit. Situations with her previous partners excaerated things for the first year of our relationship indeed. but once i get to know her better I feel more secure and the situations fades, that was when we had those few years of happy relationship, we moved in together etc

I never initiated a break during those time. But i think what I have been doing and thinking and feeling, eg blaming her for not coming home early and reacting, or may be overreacting sometime, stressed her our and wear out the relationship

this time, when i first knew she didnt have much feeling for me, my initial reaction was shock and upset, subsequently i said it might be good to have some space between us to see if she has feelings or are they only clouded by daily chores, she thought it was a bit too extreme and we didnt do it. after a month of trying, i got insecure becoz she mentioned her not feeling much, and she had to be on tip toe all the time

we found continual interacting not helping, when i raised the problem again, she said may be we could try taking a break

I let myself cry this morning, knowing that I have a part in it(everything that happens in a relationship has i though) and own that part feels heavy and difficult, i guess that is what the tears are about

thanks again for digging them out. for paying so much effort in this

Clara

Hi Anita

I have already booked an appointment with psychotherapist next week. I think your insight may be able to facilitate the process and I will bring this up in the session as well.

The issue is how to catch myself when I want to overreach and blame her.

If she is coming back to me after a month agreeing that we can restart or resume our relationship, then I will try to change things a bit. But I am also feeling insecure that she will only want to break up with me, which is entirely possible. Although we did say this is a ‘break’ hoping for a restart, not a ‘break up’. Probably this is the first lesson of what needs to be changed, to not overthink of what we have talked about, unless otherwise proven or spoken. And be a bit more confident with the person that I have been with for 5 years.

I have assigned some homework for myself this month, to go therapies, and I may go to a yoga retreat and do some detoxing. I hope I can come back to her with a fresh mental and physical state. Or come back to her and any potential future partners, and to myself.

Chau

Hi Anita

I think i need to meditate and establish the awareness and skills of catching myself. May be I should add meditate to my homework list.

Yes indeed I am suspicious of her. I have been sensitive and I think that stressed her out as well.

Two days ago i ran into her, We exchanged an awkward hi and I saw her faced turned weird, i think upset and anxious and didn’t know how to face me? But from that facial expression I knew very clearly she was suffering. Weirdly that night I felt better, knowing that she is just suffering and may really need some time to think over things.

But I guess the overthinking came back again, and it is scary

It is difficult to rise over my own feeling and have the space to empathize her. It’s just day 5(?) and a lot are still going on in my mind all the time.

But may be that’s the way out for us, or may be that’s the only way out for me also, operate out of love and empathy for another person.

Clara

Dear Anita

When you say trust in (you), what specifically are you talking about?

trust in myself on what?

Clara

Dear Anita

Thank you, I will take some time to sink in this.
Need to practice how to maintain a strong state of mind

Clara

Dear Anita

Indeed this is morning time for me on my end.

Things often bubble up at night, I will definitely share again,  how things unfold in the coming weeks

Have a restful night Anita

Clara

Hello Heclat

Thank you. Agree relationship is about two people and we both contribute to what it is today. I cannot think for her part as this is her growth journey, I can only think of my part as a person, on how to grow and how I can improve, so that I am better able to love someone in the future.

Thanks for sharing your story, it takes courage and determination to continue with a relationship which involves hurt indeed. I will work on myself and hopefully she does, we can see if we will both on the same page when we meet a few weeks later.

Have a great evening on your side.

Clara