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Suffering from wanting what I don't have.

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  • #55236
    Cameron
    Participant

    Hi all

    I’m in my mid-30. I’ve always wanted a marriage, family and children. However, at this moment, I have none of them. I live overseas on my own. I have no family here so I really wanna make a family in this foreign country. I’ve never thought that in this time of my life, I’d still be single and childless.
    I started meditating about a month ago in order to find myself. I find meditation to be difficult but I’m a very persistence person when it comes to learn a new skill so I keep on doing it on a daily basis.
    Today in a meditation group, I suddenly realised that I’m suffering from the thought of wanting a marriage, family and children. I so attach to this thought that I become very unhappy coz I’m not having it. The realisation sadden me. I wanted to cry. I just can’t understand why I can’t have them. I’m a lovely person and my family and friends love me. I know it from when I spend time with my friends, we really enjoy each other’s company. My friends say countless times that how much they love me. As a buddhist myself, I know that God loves me too as I could feel it. I have no doubt that I’m loved and a lucky person.
    But! As I’m really grateful of what I have, I still don’t understand why it’s been so difficult to meet the right man who wants to have a family, marriage and children with me. I know I’d be a good wife and mum. I know I deserve a family.
    As you can see here, I’m suffering from the thought of why I’m not having it.
    I dunno if I’m making sense here but any advice is welcomed.
    Thanks so much.

    #55238
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Cameron for your post. I was meditating on a similar idea today for someone else. I would like to share my insight if you do not mind 🙂

    I hope that Al @simpleal will share his insight as well as he has offered very useful solutions to Dee in an another post. Matt @amatt , need your help here again, pls.

    First of all Cameron, congrats for entering the third decade of your existence on this planet and commencing your spiritual journey. You are an extremely insightful soul but I feel that you may not be aware of this. You actually know whats causing your suffering: attachment to a want. A need for a family, kid and husband is causing you grief rather than happiness as you are unable to fulfil this at present moment.

    Look, I do not have a crystal ball to say when you will have your own future family but I do know you will. As soon as you let go of the want, it should happen. Every want, which is hard to fulfil comes with an underlying lesson. In your case, I think you need to prove to yourself that your happiness is not dependent on getting a husband, kid or having a family. You are complete and whole on your own. When you let go of this attachment, you will become a much more fulfilled being.

    How do you let go ? Have faith that all is happening for your highest good and will continue to do so. Trust your higher self to provide the right environment for your want to be fulfilled in the future. Continue with the meditation as it will help with letting go and aid you in becoming detached to this want. Meditation will also prepare you for the journey that you are going to undertake in the near future :). How awesome !!

    I will share an example of a personal friend who was so desperate to have a husband, family and kids that she went through all odds to find a partner. As soon as she gave birth to her son in the 2nd year of marriage, husband fell sick with a simple pneumonia. Unfortunately, for unknown reasons, he became more unwell and died in an ICU a month later from various complications. She was devastated. Took her a few years to get over this but her want for a husband didn’t end. She got married the second time and unfortunately, got divorced in less than a 6 months due to some personal reasons. After 9 years of suffering, I think she must have had enough so she took up meditation to find her answers. Now after a year of practicing, she is content and living happily with her son (who unfortunately is mentally handicap). According to her, She has finally found her solace. Could she have avoided so much hardships and suffering ? I don’t know as I am not God as yet 😉 but, it seems the life lessons were staring her into the eyes for a long time even before she started her journey of suffering. I can share many such stories with you as I get to hear them first hand.

    The moral of the story is to: enjoy what you have, offer gratitude for everything and if something is not happening as you want despite trying, let it be. Learn the lesson, which this experience is teaching you and flow freely with life. Do not be hard on yourself. When the time is right, things will happen and provide you with the happiness that you deserve. In the meantime, continue your attitude of gratitude and meditation. If you can do some selfless service such as feeding the needy or children that will be an icing on the cake.

    Loads of positive energy coming your way and thanks for your update on higher self. Much appreciated.

    Jasmine.

    #55270
    Cameron
    Participant

    Thanks so much Jasmine for your post. I’ve read it so many times. As I was about to reply, I started to cry uncontrollably. I’m crying now as I’m typing this post. I know the crying comes from the realisation that I have to let go of the want. But I don’t want to let go. It tears me apart to know that I have to give up the idea of having a family, husband and children. I really don’t know if giving up the want would make me happier or less happy but it seems like the only way to go. I know I need to trust and believe that God and universe have my best interests in mind. Like you say, Have faith that all is happening for your highest good and will continue to do so. Trust your higher self to provide the right environment for your want to be fulfilled in the future. I think it might take me a while to truly let go.
    I do donate money to World Vision monthly. I try to help others when I’m able.

    Thanks again Jasmine.

    #55282
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hi Cameron

    I am so sorry for causing you to cry. I didn’t mean for that to occur. Pls cheer up, pretty pls. This is the reason I wanted Al or Matt to help out as they are so warm in their approach compared to myself. I am still work in progress :).

    You WILL have all that you want in life but wouldn’t you like to enjoy the experience that is in front of you in the present moment ? When we attach to a want, we stop living in the present as we are either living in the past or the future. Time has no meaning when it comes to mental peace or contentment.

    For the moment, pls enjoy everything that is in front of you. Love yourself, look after every need of yours, sleep well, hang out with all sorts of people, meditate, listen to some spiritual teachers, go to comedy shows, explore the nature, travel, eat, cook for the needy, talk to some happy elderly folks etc. Do whatever it takes to fully embrace your life.

    I know that you will be fine. Your higher self is just getting you ready for what lies ahead in the future and your higher self wants to ensure that you are able to maintain your happiness regardless of circumstances or situations. Wont you like that for yourself ? Life is NOT meant to be bed of thorns or unfulfilled wishes. It is meant to flow like the water in a downstream river. The water doesn’t stop at every rock in the stream does it ? It just goes around the rock and continues to flow. Thats what we need to learn to become. When the water becomes stagnant, it becomes dirty or leads to a breeding ground for not so good things. By attaching to a want, we also become stagnant and forget to flow with life. Does this analogy work for you ?

    Now, pls put a big smile on your beautiful face and give yourself a big hug. You are so worth it all 🙂 Sometimes, by not getting what we want, our higher self is protecting us from danger that we cant see due to our short sight. So let things be. Every new day is going to bring more light into your life so continue your meditation practice.

    Lots of love and hugs,

    J

    #55294
    Cameron
    Participant

    Please don’t say sorry Jasmine. It was not your or anyone’s fault that I cried. I recently found out that the more I meditate, the more emotional I become. I cried an awful lot in the past month. Sometimes I cried during meditation. I dunno if it’s normal.
    Your posts to me are so warm and I can’t believe that you’re so willing to help a total stranger like me. I feel very lucky to have come across this site and met you.
    I’ll do my best to enjoy the present. I think the hardest part now is to let go. When my ex broke up with me in Feb, I also found it to be extremely difficult to let go. I still remember clearly the day I realised I’m ready to let him go, I cried so much. It’s not been an easy journey but meditation does help a lot.
    Thanks a lot again Jasmine.

    Sending you heaps of love.

    #55298
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Awesome :))))))))

    Hey, according to my experience and what I have been taught by my teachers – yes, it is normal to get emotional during meditations in the early phase. Meditation is like a inner being cleanser so a lot of negativity, unresolved emotions or issues get cleared first. As you continue to practice, it doesn’t happen as often and you get filled with more light and peace. The trick is – you cannot have breaks. It is a daily practice as each session builds on the previous one.

    Meditation is not a chore but a lifestyle, which helps bring about more positivity and inner peace to our inner being. Doing breathing exercises prior to starting meditation help heaps to clear the mental chatter as well. You can also try the tibetan singing bowl sounds meditation as well for a short practice. I have posted them on my other posts. Attached link for heart chakra meditation, which is extremely useful for letting be over time. The frequency used in here matches the frequency of our heart chakra so it is working at very subtle levels.

    Keep in touch and looking forward to your inspiring posts to others.

    Jasmine

    #55299
    Tom
    Participant

    Thanks for your post Cameron and your replies Jasmine. I’m in my early 40’s (male) and am suffering from the same want that I don’t have. You are not alone and I pray that people like you and I can find happiness sooner rather than later. I have many friends, but nearly all are living the life I want…happily married with kids. It’s tough sometimes to try to detach from this want when I’m so often reminded of it being with the people I rely on for support and companionship. I know this sounds strange but I feel very alone despite having friends and family nearby. Like you, I’m really grateful for what I have in life but can’t understand why it’s been so difficult to find someone who loves me as much as I love them and get married. Friends say that one day it will happen, but it’s become chiche and meaningless.

    My love also broke up with me 2 months ago and it’s been extremely difficult to let go, the sadness and anxiety sometimes overwhelms. There are times I can be happy in the present when with a friend, but ultimately the loneliness reappears when I’m home alone left with my thoughts. I will try to follow Jasmine’s advice too, but it’s difficult to detach from a want and live in the present when the present is all I have to pursue my dream. Maybe you feel the same? I’ve never tried meditating and not sure how effective it would be for me. I find prayer to be therapeutic to some degree, perhaps that’s similar to meditating and works for you.

    Cameron, I don’t think we should give up on our idea to have a family, but we must try not to fixate on it so much where it consumes us and makes us forget the other wants in life that we have and take for granted. I hope this helps.

    #55301
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hey Tom @tom2. Thanks for your insight. I agree that when we fixate on something too much, we forget about other important things in life. In my own experience, every time, I have fixated on something for hours or days, I have not achieved the thing that I was fixating on. The moment I let go, it all becomes easy and light again. For example, same thing often happens when we are desperately waiting for that impt call from someone and can’t take our eyes off the phone but that call doesn’t come. The moment we start doing something else or get busy with other things, the phone rings 😉 . Can you relate to something similar ?

    Letting go is not easy I agree. Every time, we are hurt or fall down in life, we need to be kind to ourself and do the necessary grieving that is required. But at the end of the day, letting go of unhelpful emotions or issues is in our hands. It is a conscious choice that everyone of us can make for our own greater good. We can choose to grieve for one day, for 2 weeks or for 10 years. No one is really affected by how long we continue our quest of not letting go except for ourselves.

    When our hearts are filled with love, forgiveness and acceptance for self, letting go becomes a preferred choice over sadness, guilt, resentment, anger, disbelief, fear etc. We can only love, forgive or accept others when we can truly do the same to our own self – this is a very difficult concept for some to understand but if you sit on it for a few days, it will make sense. When you are alone, try and occupy your mind with positive thoughts or ideas. There are various ways of doing that – exercise, watch interesting documentaries, listen to positive or inspirational talks (thanks to you tube, we have so much of these things nowadays), sing, dance, listen to music, ring up old mates, clean the house, make a nice dish for yourself, read a book, walk in the nature, look after someone’s dog or kids etc. Taking your thoughts in a positive rather than negative direction will only do you do good in both the short or long run.

    Prayer is quite similar to meditation. Anything, which is done with a pure intent or love is going to bring more light to our hearts.

    Best wishes and may you, Cameron, Gavin, Network7, Angela D find what you are all seeking.

    Jasmine

    #55320
    Al
    Participant

    Thank you for the mention Jasmine. You do such a great job at providing wonderful answers that I find it difficult to add anything else after you. In fact, I’ve learned quite the morsel from you therefore thank you. Also, I apologize for the late reply. Summer (my favorite season) is nearly here and I have been busy preparing numerous beautiful events for my loved ones, among others, to partake in.

    Cameron,

    I have nothing to add about ‘desire’ that Jasmine hasn’t already wonderfully covered. Therefore, I will simply say this: what I love about today’s world is that its resources are vast. When one suffers from drug abuse, there are centers which exists to help those individuals recover. If you are/become homeless, there are programs which will help you get back on your feet. If your children are hungry, there are organizations who will help put food on your table. If you need therapy/counseling, such services can also be obtained. The list is nearly endless. Among such services are those who help people find lifelong companions. I’m sure you know to which I am referring to. These are services that I fully support as I believe them to be and create wholesomeness. Beautiful stories have been conceived because of these services and I believe we should not neglect them. Advanced pairing systems help increase your chances of matching you with a person who relates with you and I am actually in very much agreement with such arrangements. Anything in which helps positively increase our fulfillment is something that I encourage.

    With this said, I will also add that companionship (in near all societies) is a highly idealized subject. In our minds, it is not wrong to say that we have certain views/ideas of companionship and its many different stages. It is when these events do not happen as we would like them to that our dissatisfaction is conceived and the possibility of self-induced prolonged misery may occur. To avoid such results, it is important to remind ourselves that ALL events are dynamic; that they transpire accordingly and exactly as they are supposed to. Retaining this view will greatly help our relationships and overall all aspects of our lives.

    I hope this helps.

    Your Friend,

    Al

    #55340
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hey Al. Thanks for putting a huge smile on my face :))))))))))). This is the beauty of being a human – we all complement each other so well and can learn so much from each others experiences.

    My husband was suggesting the same yesterday re: use of match making sites for finding suitable partners when other avenues fail.

    Perhaps, Lori at @tinybuddha can look into developing a matchmaking site for TB members as they are so many like minded people on this site and some could go on to find their soul mates here and become wonderful life partners 🙂 just a thought.

    Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy ur summer with your loved ones. We are heading into winter and I will get to have more doona time as a result 🙂

    J

    #55350
    Cameron
    Participant

    Hi Jasmine, Tom and Al

    Thanks so much for your posts. I’ve actually tried online dating sites for nearly a year but somehow online dating doesn’t work for me. So far no one shows interests in me. I’m not an ugly person and I’m being very true about myself online so I don’t really know the reasons. I met my previous boyfriends in person and any boys who like me usually show their interests after we’ve known each other for a while. I guess I’m a lot less attractive online.

    I think maybe God is still giving me time to find myself and happiness. Maybe like what Jasmine said, I’m not ready or strong enough to step into another relationship so God decided to put things on hold. Maybe if I rushed myself into a relationship now, it would damage me even more. I really dunno. There’re so many maybes.

    Tom, thanks so much for sharing your story. I don’t know about you but I do know that I’ll meet that person eventually. I hope it would be sooner rather than later too but if I have to wait till the timing is right, I’ll wait. It’s hard to see people around you are happily married with kids and that’s why I don’t go to Facebook that often anymore. 🙂

    Jasmine. You’re a very wise woman with a warm heart. I think your husband is super lucky to have you in his life. I hope there’ll be more people like you in this world. Your words inspired me a lot. I like the example of waiting for the phone to ring. I’m just gonna put the want aside for a while and go out to meet people which is what I’ve been doing for the last few months.

    Al, thanks so much for your post altho it’s a bit difficult for me to understand. 🙂

    With love.

    #55351
    Cameron
    Participant

    Jasmine-

    I meditated on the video you recommend. My tears just went on and on and on.
    Thanks again. I’m also heading into winter here. Keep warm 🙂

    #55353
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Cameron for putting a smile on my face and I had to show your comment to my husband as well, LOL. I never let go of any chance to make him realise how lucky he has got in the dept of love he he he he but the fact remains, he is an awesome guy. He brings the calm and bliss into my world 🙂

    Let the tears flow during meditation as it is quite natural to do that in the early phase like I mentioned in my earlier post. Your healing has already begun as I can sense that through your posts 🙂 you are on the right path. Pls always remember to be kind to yourself in whatever happens.

    Serious stuff aside now. Make sure your are keeping up with hydration otherwise, we might need to send some rehydration solutions lol. Tears contain a lot of essential minerals and water 🙂 Today, being an Anzac holiday here, there might be a delay in postage from my end so you better start smiling now.

    Blessings,

    J

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