Dear Lauren:

Welcome to this thread, almost two years since my last reply here (Oct 17, 2022). Did you read through the 17 pages of this thread, or did you read only the original post here, Sept 28, 2018?

anita

When I was young , starting in elementary school I went online and accidently found myself looking at naked pictures. I found interest in it and how it made me feel. Kissing and touching and what not. I was young so the idea of penis was scary, I’ve never seen one ever- so I continued watch girl porn. Nothing serious just kissing and what not. Just felt more comfortable since I was so little and no guys had really found interest in me at that age. As I started getting older- I only had crushes on men. Only dreamt of being with a man sexually / romantically. Even watching lesbian porn I never once pictured myself in bed with a woman or in a relationship with one in my head/deep thoughts. I just like the sensual aspect of the porn. The straight porn felt very scary and mean, and honestly very aggressive- almost abusive. I went through highschool and college and developed major crushes on men, but none that ever really sasified me sexually cause they just werent very good at sex tbh. There was never that connection cause I went through a phase of just hookups. Then I had a boyfriend who I loved very much but couldn’t picture myself marrying. I love him but wasn’t in love with him. Then I met my current boyfriend. The man immediately fell in love with. He’s is everything I ever wanted. Perfect in every way. He makes me laugh, he’s loves me, I love being around him and the second he’s gone my heart aches. I’ve been diagnosed with health ocd in the past. Had obsession with stds because I hooked up with someone that gave me one and I never really got over it. Once that past and I moved on and was finally in a happy committed relationship – I developed a uti that never went away. I felt like I had to pee constantly. It sent me down a rabbit hole of major anxiety and depression. When the bladder pain went away, the anxiety would go up. Finally when both seemed to be on the mend I read that chronic pain can occur with deep repressed emotions. So I journaled the things it could be- needing to move, getting closer to god, or being gay. The gay one stuck because of the past porn I watched. Not because I was ever attracted to women. Like I said never had a crush on one, never really even notice them other than the fact some are beautiful and I wish I looked like them. Now I’m convinced I want to look like them because I guess I wanted to be with one, that I never wanted to be with men and secretly I repressed it all and want to be with women. I constantly see women now and picture if I want to be with them. Whenever I try it just doesn’t feel right, and it’s simply just feels so unnatural. Not disgusting because women are beautiful but not what I want. I want my boyfriend, and everything that comes with him good or bad. But why is my brain now suddenly saying that everything I want is a woman now- when never in my life have I thought that? I had a dream my gay uncle told me he always thought I was gay during my obsessive thoughts and now I’m convinced it’s a sign. It all goes back to me thinking maybe I’m gay cause the porn I watched when I was young- but the thing is I don’t even watch that anymore. I watch male on male porn now because I love the way the men look and the noises they make and how animalistic they are. I also watch sensual straight porn now and always focus on the man never the women. But of course my whole life I’ve had this fear people secretly think I’m gay because I was a bit of a Tom boy and what I used to watch. But I grew up and realized that I’ve only ever felt attracted and drawn to men. I look at women’s bodies at the gym but the only think I usually feel is jealousy cause I don’t like my body and want it to look better. I’m a harsh critic and want to be perfect. Then I fear that the reason I want to be perfect now is because my family problems of not having a nuclear family and wanting the perfect life but secretly I was gay and just forced this life I have on myself. At the end of the day I truly am in love with my boyfriend in every way and the thought of losing him makes me me sometimes even not want to live because that’s how much I love him. How can I have these thoughts while being with him? How can I do this to him? It’s constant and I can’t get away from it. I fear I’ll never look at him the same and it’s just getting worse. It pains me cause in my heart and soul I know he’s the person for me till the day I die. Or am I just telling myself that. My big fear is if I’m a lesbian I have to leave him, and if I’m bisexual then what if I live a lie and go my whole life not being at my most happiest truest self? But I know that two months ago before my bladder and anxiety I felt I was my truest happiest self. Someone please help me. I feel I can’t move on each day. I know from my other ocd obsession – my compulsion was searching online for anything relating to the topic. It would consume hours of my day on forums. I ask my sister for reassurance constantly because she has ocd and has gone through similar. I can’t get away from this mental loop.

Thank you, truly struggling.

Dear Aj:

“I’ve been diagnosed with health ocd.. why is my brain now suddenly saying that everything I want is a woman now- when never in my life have I thought that?”- I understand that you’re feeling confused and distressed by these sudden thoughts. Given your diagnosis of OCD, it’s important to recognize that OCD causes intrusive thoughts that may be completely unrelated to your true desires and feelings.

In your case, the sudden intrusive thoughts about your sexual orientation is an example of how OCD manifests. These thoughts are likely a result of your brain’s tendency to latch onto uncertainties and create doubt, even when there’s no real basis for it. The fact that you’ve never had romantic or sexual interest in women and have always been attracted to men suggests that these thoughts are not reflective of your true desires but are rather a symptom of your OCD.

It’s important to seek support from a therapist who specializes in OCD. They can help you develop strategies to manage these intrusive thoughts and reduce the impact they have on your life.

“I watch male on male porn now… I also watch sensual straight porn now”- it might be helpful to take a break from watching any kind of porn because it may be reinforcing the intrusive thoughts and making it more difficult to find clarity.

If you’re seeking reassurance about your sexual orientation by watching porn to see if you feel attraction to men or women, it’s important to recognize that this approach is not helping you: despite watching porn, you are still feeling obsessed and unsure about your orientation.

Seeking reassurance in this way actually reinforces the cycle of intrusive thoughts and anxiety. Instead of trying to find answers through porn, I encourage you to consider seeking support from a therapist who specializes in OCD.

“I’m a harsh critic and want to be perfect.”- Being a harsh critic of oneself and striving for perfection are common traits associated with OCD. People with OCD often have high standards for themselves and feel an intense need to perform tasks perfectly. This can lead to excessive checking, repeating, or correcting behaviors to ensure that everything is done “just right.”

Individuals with OCD are often highly self-critical, constantly evaluating their actions and thoughts, feeling that they are never good enough and must always strive for improvement. To cope with the anxiety caused by intrusive thoughts and self-criticism, individuals with OCD engage in compulsive behaviors.

It’s important to recognize that these traits are part of the OCD cycle and can be addressed through therapy and self-compassion.

“I know from my other ocd obsession – my compulsion was searching online for anything relating to the topic. It would consume hours of my day on forums. I ask my sister for reassurance constantly because she has ocd and has gone through similar. I can’t get away from this mental loop.”-

– the mental loop and constant reassurance-seeking are really taking a toll on you. Recognizing these patterns is an important first step. It shows your awareness of the compulsions and how they are affecting your life. Again, seeking professional support from a therapist who specializes in OCD can help you break free from the mental loop.

It’s also important to be kind to yourself during this process. Recovery and managing OCD take time and effort, and it’s okay to reach out for help and support.

* It’s important to distinguish between seeking reassurance and seeking help. For someone with OCD, reassurance (such as “you are not gay”) might provide temporary relief but ultimately reinforces the cycle of intrusive thoughts and anxiety. On the other hand, seeking help from a professional, like a therapist who specializes in OCD, can provide you with real help.

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Actually, I suffered from OCD for many years but not anymore. Well, there is a tiny bit of a leftover but only a tiny bit.

I recommend that you read my reply to another member on Oct 10, 2024 right above on this page (page 17).

Wishing you strength and clarity as you navigate these challenges. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here for you.

anita

Dear Aj:

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I’m glad to read that you’ve started recognizing the patterns of reassurance-seeking and how it affects you. This awareness is an important step towards managing your OCD.

It’s great that you’ve taken your sister’s advice to give into the uncertainty and stop your compulsions, even if it’s challenging, and that you deleted the internet for now and feel better for it. The “Maybe, maybe not” technique can be difficult at first, but it’s encouraging to read that you’re starting to feel clearer-minded.

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Seeking professional support from a therapist who specializes in OCD can provide you with the tools and strategies to manage these thoughts effectively.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you navigate these challenges.

anita