Dear Anita

Thanks for your answer. All of this is killing me. Its not leaving me. Im going insane. Theres no way im gay. It cant be. Please tell me u have seen people with the same problems turning back to their old self because i could really need some comforting words right now…

Hii.

I’m a girl .I never questioned my sexuality before.i always have a observing nature I just look any person   and observe them especially someone who looks good . like their dressing sense fecial features etc.i just get bit insecure about my looks  and never feel attracted to them I just wanted to look like them .I have been always insecure about my looks and never had relationship just because of the fear of rejection and heartbreaks .I like being alone .but I have crushes on celebrity and irl boys  .in lockdown I started watching alot of shows and drama and then I discovered bl genre which is a boys love.which target girls mostly and not realistic I watch  a bl anime movie a long time ago I loved that film. And even fantasies of once same sex just like the movie and forgot About that.then recently I watch a Netflix series hearstopper which is a bit realistic and the Main lead thought he was straight.     Before that he fell for a boy .I don’t know why but this really triggered me to question about my sexuality just because I fantasies once.i thik about this all night.and then next day the whole pride month began and social media filed with this .I was terrified .and started getting anxious .I never imagined me being with a girl .I started searching on Google if I’m straight or not started giving quizzes.i think the more I search and not relate with bi or gay the more subconsciously try to relate with this .I started feeling so wrong even looking at any women and thought my sexuality is changing . this gives me anxiety and I started feeling aroused just thinking about any women… the fact that I never feel attracted or arouse looking at female celebrities.who actually look good just random girl passing by or scrolling instagram reel this just give me anxiety.and I started getting aroused randomly just reassuring that I’m not bi or lasbian .I started ignoring same gender .I couldn’t even look at myself in mirror .I tried to search my symptoms and all are samewith hocd .I always reassuring that I’m not bi or gay.even though I have not problem with being bi but that I read somewhere that he became gay after he realises he was bi.that scares me.i started deep breathing for my anxiety .and maditation helps little . But I started analysing my relationship with friends and whom I thought beautiful sometime . even that one time fantasy makes me guilty .and I started feeling not attraction to boys . I’m so hopeless right now .but when I don’t overthink about that  like I when I star listing music I feel like my old self . dreaming about boys and all .when I live the movement I feel so relaxed . Recently I visited my cousin’s house and and just stopped feeling anxious but unconditionally I try to look at my female cousin’s body I feel so wrong about that .I started stressing over that because my thoughts are affecting my behavior .but when I talk to her I feel normal  . I stopped feeling anxious and didn’t ignore girls feel like normal .my sleep is improving but stress is still here I don’t know what to do .am I deniel ? it’s like the more I konw about this the more I try to connect with this .I’m too scared of watching bl now .I can’t focus on anything .I don’t feel no energy .l saw one article about straight people can’t imagine life with same sex . which I can’t but next day I started imaging  this . even I don’t want to imagine . This is so scary because when I think this phase is fading away  I even doubt this also because I  look at random girl I feel nothing .but then I look another one thinking noting happened .I overthink about this all the time .then think how silly I was .I never forced myself attraction to boy but now I’m doing this .i still feel arouse by thinking About random girl but I  neverfeel like kissing cuddling romantically with them . sometimes it feels like it’s fading away and sometimes it’s coming back I don’t know how this will end ..am I ever get to love any male ? Because even if I try to connect with men I think this will be always there and I don’t want this thing forever in my life .

Dear Apue:

You asked for help: you are welcome to read my communication with other members on this thread, starting with my first post to the original poster, Anja, on September 28, 2018 (page 1), all through to this page, page 13, and take notes. Much of my understandings and most of the suggestions that I offered others in this thread-  apply to you as well.

You mentioned googling and figuring that you suffer from hocd (homosexual ocd). You also mentioned tocd (transgender ocd). Have you ever been diagnosed with ocd, and/ or did you display symptoms of ocd (obsessions and compulsions) not associated with the topics of sexual orientation and gender identity?

anita

Dear Apue:

In regard to your hocd- like I suggested, you are welcome to read what I advised other members on this thread. I have nothing to add to what I already expressed here… over and over again.

In regard to your fear of rejection and heartbreaks ((“I have always fear of rejection and heartbreaks”) and your loneliness (“I have been always lonely”), you are welcome to start your own thread and share about it. I will be glad to reply to you there.

anita

Dear Demi:

It’s possible that your fears about leaving your boyfriend for a woman, and your loss of sexual feelings for him are about being afraid of… being stuck with him, at 21, for 50 years or so, half a century that’s included in that whole-future (” I see a whole future with him”). Maybe you feel too young to enter a marriage, maybe you are not sure about him. Any of this feels true to you?

anita

Dear Sun:

You are not alone feeling “really emotionally disturbed” at 20 years old. I was too when I was your age, but I am no longer really emotionally disturbed. You mentioned studies, what is the topic of your studies? You mentioned pushing friends and family members away: how were these relationships like before you pushed them away?

anita

Dear Sun:

You are studying law. Here are excerpts from Best law schools. net/ 12 qualities of a successful law student:

“1. Knowledge Seeker: First and the most important thing is you should have knowledge thirst inside you. A successful student is always a knowledge hungry. The more you will learn about your profession the more powerful you become…

“2. Self Belief: The second important factor is you should be confident enough in your arguments. The confidence comes with the knowledge. More you learn about the Law the better your self belief will become…

“3. Researcher: Studying law requires dedication and hard work…. 4. Cool Headed: Law is a fiend which requires patience… a cool headed law student is more successful than an aggressive one…. 5. Self Organizing Skills: A law student must have self organizing skills…. Self discipline is always very important in daily life but it becomes important when you are dealing with important issues. Careless students are less likely to succeed in law field.

“6. Good Reader: A law student should also be a good reader…. 7. Problem Solver: Law student will have to deal with lots of complex problems and somehow have to solve them… 8. People Skills: … At the end of the day lawyers work with people, on behalf of people, and the decisions that are made affect people’s lives. So you must know how good you are at understanding other people. 9. Analytical Skills: … The law student must have good analytical skills.. . 10. Creativity:… one must be creative and possess the ability to think out of the box… 11. Expression of Ideas: … It is also very important to express your idea and communicate well to the world… 12. Motivation: productive and sustainable motivation requires both quantity and quality. Law is a dynamic career where you have to keep yourself engaged and motivated.

“Conclusion: It is not possible for a student to build all these skills at once. It is a time taking process and with the passage of time Law student will learn all these skills”.

What I learned from having participated in this 13-page thread is that members who are “Suddenly questioning (their) sexuality” are focused on their sexuality, obsessed with it (even those who never had sex with another person), want to talk about nothing else but It, the Topic of their obsession. But there is no  benefit in any of that. On the other hand the 1-12 above will benefit you. Let’s see how you can use this list in regard to the topic at hand:

You must be a Knowledge Seeker, Researcher & Good Reader=> read these 13 pages, including my many replies, and take notes, be dedicated to this study and do the hard work. Self Belief => as you do this study, you will become more confident, cool headed and patient than you are now. Self Organizing Skills, Problem Solver, Good Analytical Skills:& Creativity =>  doing this study in an organized way and applying analytical skills & creativity will help see your problem with more clarity and arrive at ways to solve it. People Skills and Expression of ideas => after your study express to me and to the readers (people) what you learned, will you?

You don’t feel like doing any of this? Well, this is where Motivation applies!

anita

Dear anita

After reading all the 13 pages with dedication it has helped me alot to understand my problem which is fear.I fear a lot in a way that I can’t perform my daily activities somehow I have found peace with my those nagative thoughts that they just came to make feel bad . Usually at night I feel better knowing that iam a straight male as I fell asleep imagining the life with the women I love raising children together but when I wake up those thoughts came back and make my day horrible because I know iam straight and lam attracted by women as because even now as iam affected by this thoughts I get turned on by women clearly iam sexually attracted to them . Iam scared that l will never be in a relationships with a girl coz those thoughts make feel less a man keep asking my do I truly love my women crush’s enough or will I ever love a women enough or will l lose sexual interest in girls one day iam really confused sometimes want to be in love with the girl l love sometimes I don’t want love I even ask my self if it is because I grow up without a father I didn’t experience the love of a father because all my friends had girlfriend during our school days until now but I never had any I always wanted to focus on my studies building my future . Even though I know lam straight attracted to girls and have crushs  but iam always scared of entering in a relationship with a girl clearly I don’t know what to do