Dear Anita,

Yes that’s the therapy I’m having!! My mum said it’s something called CBT to help deal with my anxiety, as my feelings got a lot worse these past few days but last night, me and my mum did roleplay, she was my thoughts and I fought against them thoughts and gave all the reasons why I’m not gay/bisexual, maybe other people who are struggling can try this because it helps a lot! And proves to yourself reasons why you’re not. definitely helped calm me down!
alesha

Hi,

I hope this message finds you well. Please bear with me as it is quite long!

Disclaimer: I have nothing against the LGBTQ+ community, nor am I homophobic in any shape or form.

Like many of the replies to this forum, I am facing this ‘sudden’ feeling of being lesbian or bisexual, after 19 years of being solely completely emotionally, sexually and romantically into men. I felt this around a month and a half ago, and I cannot seem to shake it out of my head. I must admit that I have a tendency to go through ‘obsessive’ phases that manifest themselves in different ways, for example an obsession with the gym and getting in shape, an obsession to acquire a particular ‘style’, and, before reading this forum, I did not consider I may have OCD (I do love things to be immaculately clean), but now I am starting to think otherwise.

Going back to the sexuality questioning, I started to really panic about these intrusive thoughts and would read forum upon forum and take sexuality tests to assure myself I was straight. When I would see ‘coming out at age 20/25/30 forums’, or self-discovery articles about those who never knew they were lesbian until a later age, I would be mortified and immediately think this is what would happen to me.

To add, I am in a loving, healthy relationship with my boyfriend, who knows what I am currently going through, and has been nothing but supportive and kind. I fear that if I keep talking about these thoughts with him, this might jeapordise our relationship as it might indicate to him that I am into women (which I believe I am not). Nevertheless, I hide nothing from him, so if needs be I will continue to speak about this with him.

I then found this forum and felt able to relate to so much, so thank you everyone for coming on here and expressing your truths. I even showed my boyfriend some of the replies which helped me explain to him what I was going through. I noted that one of the replies had a mantra, which was ‘you are the thinker of your thoughts, but they do not control you’, or something to that effect. Initially, I found this so useful and continue to repeat this to myself on multiple occasions. However, now, (and I think this might be an obsessive thought), that this mantra is becoming meaningless to me and because of this, I think that I have just accepted that I may be into women too (but i am not into women and don’t really feel happy accepting this..)

Now, and this is unhealthy to think about, but whenever I see a woman, whether I find her attractive or not, I imagine myself doing sexual things with her as a test to see whether I am bi/lesbian or not. If I can, I immediately panic and think oh my gosh, I’m definitely bi/lesbian. And then I think, if I can imagine myself on an emotional level with a girl, and if I can, I again become mortified. But can I actually imagine a woman sexually/romantically? Or is my brain trying to trick me?

I understand that one does not need to label their sexuality, but I do not think I identify as anything other than straight. Sure, I have shared kisses as a joke with girls during my teenage years, but I did not even consider myself to be bi or lesbian. Now I reflect on these experiences and panic and think thoughts such as ‘you have been into girls all along and you did not know it’.

As you can figure, I am extremely troubled by these intrusive thoughts. I worry about myself as a lesbian or bisexual, not because of family issues (although my brother is quite traditional), but because it is not who I am deep down. I have always imagined myself married to a man, having children with a man etc. and never with a woman. But now, my thoughts feel like they are controlling me and that I have accepted that I may be gay or bi and I am ‘on board’ with the idea of me being in a lesbian relationship. (It doesn’t help that I am currently studying a topic of surrogacy, a means of parenthood frequently used by lesbian couples).

I hope to overcome these sexuality thoughts and move on from them so that they go away forever,  and not just these thoughts but future sudden, intrusive thoughts. I read that someone used to have OCD but was able to move on and no longer suffers from it, which was reassuring.

I know one might suggest medical help from a therapist or something like that. I am not against this, but I would prefer to try and work this out myself with the help of this forum initially.

Many thanks for taking the time to read this.

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Sarah Jeanne Browne.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Mollie.

Hello Anita, thank you for your response.In answer to your questions:

1. You are right – I am not against therapy, but I am not for it either. I’m unsure why in all honesty. Perhaps a therapist will diagnose me with something I have never been aware of and will scare me.
2. I have read your replies to others and found them very useful and it is amazing how you have helped others. I hope you don’t think I have ignored your previous advice. I guess what I was hoping for was a response tailored to my scenario to put my mind at ease i.e whether you think that my case is a matter of obsessing, whether my obsessions are not healthy etc (which was previously mentioned in some replies), and generally what you think about my scenario, whether it is something to be worried about.
3. I came onto the forum and typed everything I felt, which made me feel better. Ultimately I wanted someone independent from my life who could give me some advice about what I am feeling.

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Mollie.

dear anita,

I’m having CBT therapy on Friday, but I’m really confused as my anxiety just disappeared overnight, I still feel the same thoughts but it started making me feel like I wanted to be and wanted a girlfriend and I was so stressed about it, but then my anxiety just disappeared and now I’m thinking I want to be without the anxiety?! Hopefully this therapy will help..

Dear Anita.                                                                        I have been facing these problem since the last 15 days…..these thoughts never came to my mind before…..and these thoughts are very disturbing and give stress and frustration…I don’t have boyfriend yet…but I had crushes on boys and male celebrities… suddenly these thoughts came into my mind…since then I just want ed to rid these thoughts away…I am started affrading from words like bi,gay,les etc…. because I am not like that….I never think of that… before these thoughts I love to watch romantic movies and read romantic books of girls and boys….but after having these thoughts I feel strange and weird….when I see romantic scenes between girl and boy….I know I am straight I always want a boyfriend…but still I am having these thoughts….and I also want know the difference between ocd and hocd….and I feel strange when I see romantic scene now this are just thoughts and this normal right?….bcs don’t want to feel that….I have my exams within month and I couldn’t focus on that…. sometimes I feel thise is intrusive thoughts but…but sometimes what if this is real….I don’t want to be like that….plz help me…and reply as soon as possible I write this again in case you haven’t read my prior post…both are same

Dear Neha:

“these thoughts never came to my mind before…. these thoughts… suddenly these thoughts came into my mind… before these thoughts….but after having these thoughts…but still I am having these thoughts….and I also want know the difference between ocd and hocd….I don’t want to be like that….plz help me“-

-these thoughts are just thoughts, that is: temporary mental events happening  in the brain, no big deal.. just thoughts. Do you know how many thoughts a regular person has in an hour, in a day? Many thousands of thoughts. Each thought comes and go.. no reason to get alarmed by a thought… it’s nothing but a temporary mental even in the brain. A thought doesn’t make reality. For example, you can think: “I am an elephant”- does it make you an elephant in reality.. or does it make you a person who had a thought…

A person with OCD, HOCD or any other subtype, is a person who gives too much weight to a thought. A thought is not permanent nor is it powerful.. But when you keep thinking it aka obsessing.. you start thinking that a thought is powerful and a dangerous.. but really, a thought.. is nothing but a thought.

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by .

Thank you Anita mam….for your advice and I am feeling better after this…but after having these thoughts I become very conscious about my surroundings….and you mentioned many times in your answers that…you also faced ocd…does that thoughts were the same thoughts like I have?