Home→Forums→Relationships→sudden breakup has left me brokenhearted
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Mark.
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January 9, 2018 at 10:43 pm #185871
KateParticipantI apologise if this gets long.
I am in university and my now ex boyfriend ended our 1 year long, long distance relationship a few days ago in a pretty messy breakup. About 2 weeks before, he out of the blue broke it off, and a day later changed his mind, and now we have broken up again. Before the second break he went back home. I am very devastated. We were very close, best friends for about a year and a half (we lived in the same place at that time) before the relationship started, and he helped me through the toughest period of my life in which i struggled with family issues and abuse. He was my lifeline that whole time, and now he’s gone. The first breakup was very sudden. one day he was saying i love you, the next it was over. He was the first person i ever slept with after experiencing very bad assault, and the first person i trusted, and now i do not know how to function without his friendship, or how to trust anyone when he was broken my heart. He was one of those extremely attractive and charismatic guys who can convince anyone of anything, and everyone who ever met him loved him (no exaggeration, every girl form when we were in school had a massive crush on him ) though he did have a kind heart, he had about 2 episodes throughout the year where he thought we needed a break and then would change his mind. He broke it off because he has some very deep issues (I have always had a feeling that he might be slightly autistic or something, since he has trouble with emotional intelligence and emotional depth of feeling) and felt that those issues meant we are no longer suited.
Despite all this, i just can’t stop loving him and feeling like there is no fault in him. I dedicated so much time, energy and money into seeing him that it isolated me from friends and family, and now i feel alone. I recognise that mistake now. His moments of doubt were extremely hurtful, but in between he was an amazing boyfriend, which always sucked me back in. I guess the wisdom i am seeking is regarding not only the loss of relationship, but friendship. Every day i want to know how he is going, what he’s been up to, and i miss him so much. I am worried I will never get to see him again, and that i will never get over him. How does one get over someone who resurrected them from the worst period of their life, showed them how amazing relationships could be, loved them deeply with seemingly no faults, and then, out of the blue, threw them away? All of our plans to see each other are now gone, and my year seems boring and lifeless without them, and now i can’t stand the idea of travelling. I have tried all the methods of distraction, and spending time with what friends i have, and nothing provides relief.
about two days after the final breakup, he called me so we could have some closure. he said he no longer loved me romantically, and it had only been two days. He also said he constantly thinks about kissing me, and that he had been crying in bed unable to eat, so he sounds a bit confused, but it was very hurtful. If anyone can impart to me any perspective or wisdom about getting over him, the reality of whatever just happened (since i still don’t quite get why this so suddenly happened) , or how to get my self identity and self worth back, it would be greatly appreciated.
January 9, 2018 at 11:25 pm #185877
DeeParticipantI am so sorry you are going through this. Did he start behaving this way towards the end of the relationship or throughout? How old is he?
January 10, 2018 at 8:13 am #185953
AnonymousGuestDear Kate:
I would like to understand better so to be able to offer something that may be a bit helpful. You wrote that he “has trouble with emotional intelligence and emotional depth”. What I don’t understand is how can a person with such trouble be the person who “helped me through the toughest period of my life in which I struggled with family issues and abuse”, be your “lifeline the whole time”, someone who “resurrected them (that is, you) from the worst period of their life, showed them how amazing relationships could be, loved them deeply”.
To make such a difference in your mind and life, doesn’t it mean that he did have a lot of emotional intelligence and depth?
anita
January 10, 2018 at 2:59 pm #186019
No.1PixieParticipant…And therin lies the rub. Men do this. I spent the happiest two years of my life with a man who I thought I would be with forever, we were so good together. Suddenly, one day he fell out of love with me. The bubble burst. It hurts like hell, but accept the fact that when he says ‘it’s not you; it’s me: believe him! It’s nothing you’ve done, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. It’s sad, but it happens, he clearly isn’t the right man for you, because if he was; you would still be together. Be kind to yourself; move on and forget him. 🙂
January 11, 2018 at 12:52 am #186085KateParticipantHey Dee,
It was one of those things where at the time i didnt see it coming but signs were there. throughout the relationship he had about 2 episodes where he would get doubts and question the entire thing, and then over night change his mind back again. He is 21
January 11, 2018 at 12:57 am #186087KateParticipantHi Anita,
well this is where i get a bit confused too. He has a kind heart and was always willing to help me which gave me hope, but this one time a bit less than 2 years ago he had a crisis because he thinks he can’t feel emotions as deeply as everyone else, like he has a limited range or something. He has moments where he’s all in love, would do anything for the relationship, and others where there is just nothing there. its a bit frightening honestly. Also the way he treats his friendships has always concerned me. He has a lot of friends, and loves to see them, but i see no warmth in his relationships with them, like they are tokens or a novelty to be had. There were times i thought he had a lot of emotional intelligence and depth, like when he helped me, and other times he displays almost sociopathic levels of inability to have sympathy and understand other people.
January 11, 2018 at 12:58 am #186089KateParticipantHi No.1Pixie,
thats a fact I’m sadly learning the hard way i feel. one of my biggest worries is that ill never get over it, since it all seemed so perfect.
January 11, 2018 at 4:40 am #186101AnonymousGuestDear Kate:
As he helped you with the family abuse you suffered, he did not mention his own? If he shared with you about his childhood, about his past and current relationships with his parents, that information can make the difference in understanding his motivations and behaviors.
anita
January 11, 2018 at 5:04 am #186103KateParticipantDear Anita,
I have stayed with his parents before and he has told me a fair bit about his family. I know that he has a severely mentally handicapped older sister, and that his dad can be a bit skeptical about women’s intentions since he himself had a bad experience when he was younger, and even once tried to talk him into cheating on me, which he said he refused to do (and i believe him on that one). He also lives in the country, and mentioned once that he would spend months in the house with no one to talk to during the day when he was a young kid, and that it caused him to be very introverted (something that contradicts a lot of his other characteristics i have observed), and has even said that he wouldn’t mind becoming a hermit one day, which also juxtaposes his very socialite lifestyle. His relationship with his parents otherwise is very strong and they are all quite close.
January 11, 2018 at 6:57 am #186113AnonymousGuestDear Kate:
My guess is that his relationship with his parents isn’t strong and close, that it only appears this way. If he grew up in a close and strong family, experiencing close and strong, healthy relationships with his parents, he wouldn’t be motivated to “becoming a hermit one day”.
I think that his extroverted personality that you observed is an appearance, a role he has taken on, in his family and outside his family. He is conflicted, I am thinking. Sometimes he is engaged in the appearance, and at other times he is in touch with his past hurts and then, he feels overwhelmed, turning into a hermit, so to speak, introverted.
anita
January 11, 2018 at 5:41 pm #186239KateParticipantDear Anita,
that would actually make a lot of sense and puts some things into perspective. Thanks for this insight 🙂
January 11, 2018 at 6:40 pm #186243
AlexParticipantHey there Kate, I’m sorry to hear about your heartbreak your story of your relationship is very similar to mine that ended 7 months ago. It left me feeling almost exactly the same as you. People often assume guys aren’t as sincere as women etc. But someone doesn’t just fall out of love with you in 2 days. I think time and thinking in retrospective might actually reveal some flaws in the relationship. I mean you mentioned he was almost sociopathic with his lack of emotions. Even though you may love him still and a part of you may always hurt. You can’t commit to someone who has doubts it’s unhealthy and you need to think of yourself. Try channel your hurt into something productive and try to focus on both positives and negatives of the relationship that will help you get through this.
January 12, 2018 at 3:39 am #186281AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Kate. Post again anytime.
anita
January 12, 2018 at 7:26 pm #186427KateParticipantDear Alex,
thanks for your advice, ill try to do that. 🙂
January 25, 2018 at 2:18 pm #189043
MarkParticipantKate,
I have no real advice on what you are asking for, i.e. how to get over him, what just happened, or how to get your identity and self worth back.
I do know that it is important to take care of yourself; emotionally and physically especially during the transition. There are lots of ways for self care, e.g. exercise, meditation, etc.
I know that it takes time for me to make such a sudden transition from being deep in an intimate relationship (especially of all those “firsts” you mentioned) to not being another person’s partner. There are no magic fixes.
I encourage you to focus on your self-worth without depending on him or anyone else. The Metta Meditation is a good one to use for that. I’ll leave it to others to suggest other ways of learning to love yourself.
Loving yourself is related to having your own identity without being dependent or attached to another person. I know there are those who likes being considered and called someone’s girlfriend/wife/partner. First and foremost I encourage you to embrace the identity of Kate. Who is Kate? Someone who is intelligent, loving, … etc. Yes? That is your identity.
How do you get that back? How do you get your self-worth back? Bit-by-bit. It is being compassionate to yourself.
Note that this is the second time he broke up for you. You said he broke it off because he has some very deep issues I would take that to heart, having broke up with you twice and not to consider going back to him. Put him behind you.
Take care,
Mark -
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