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Stuck in limbo, what should I do?

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • September 20, 2015 at 8:59 pm #83722
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Hi,
    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now.
    He’s the best in literally every single way–11 out of 10 for pretty much everything. We value so many of the same things and are very compatible, we make a great partnership and we’ve become best friends with eachother. My family loves him and I love his family. I feel so grateful to have him in my life.
    However, he’s had a very rough upbringing, unsafe neighborhood growing up, slightly abusive parents, drugs, etc. However, he’s made it through so much and has become an incredible human being. These traumas have led to him forming a certain behavior that is worrying..

    About 9 months ago, I accidentally found a secret email account where he’d been responding to craigslist sexual personal ads, only writing back and forth and looking at pictures. He never physically cheated on me, which I know and believe 100%.
    But from there things kind of went down hill. I broke up with him for six months, but it was proven that I still really cared about him and wanted him to be in my life. His online porn addiction and craigslist fascination had nothing to with me or the relationship, its an unhealthy way of coping with stress from his life/job/family.

    We tried making it work for a few months, but it became difficult, as every now and then I would still feel mistrustful or suspicious. I know these behaviors dont just disappear and it may take years to change, and I expected him to continue this behavior from time to time. At least we are communicating and he’s being honest with me.
    The thing is, I watch porn every now and then, and dont really have a huge problem with that. Its the craigslist and the escalation that I fear, what if he meets up with someone in the future? But I suppose I can say that about any relationship, right?

    Anyways, we are putting this relationship on hold for the moment and trying to just be friends. I just feel that we can work past this because we are so well together in all the other ways, and I still care about him so deeply. I don’t want to grow apart from him. But now there are many fears: What if his problem escalates? What if things don’t ever change? What if breaking up and getting back together becomes a pattern? Will the suspicion ever go away? What if I become like a mother figure–always checking in on him?
    Not to mention the anxiety and fear he now has about me possibly breaking up with him again, or realizing I dont want to be with him later on down the road…

    Its such a hard decision to make and I wish we could let it all go and move on together. I’m planning on seeking out a therapist to talk further, and he has joined a support group for men with porn addictions, etc., he also spoke with a therapist one on one a few times.
    He’s in a very unhappy place in his life right now, and I wanted him to get to a better spot and start loving himself before we can be in a relationship, but I’m not sure we can stay in this weird “in limbo” place for very long….
    Thank you so much for reading. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    September 21, 2015 at 4:36 am #83733
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi starfish2111,

    This is like if a slum child became the prince he was meant to be. However, the slum is still in the prince. It will take years/decades to fully integrate into a noble life. It’s almost like he has to have one small piece of darkness because the darkness is familiar and comforting.

    I would have a long, deep talk with him and exchange one bad habit with another, better yet more addicting habit. i.e. gaming.

    It sounds like you two are doing all the right things. But if you want to continue on and find someone else down the road, consider that maybe your purpose in his life IS/WAS to be a Friend.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    September 21, 2015 at 8:54 am #83736
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Inky,
    Thank you for this insight. He holds on to a lot of his past and is learning to let go of his traumas, but is just beginning. I still want to be there for him. Good point about being his friend. We talked last night and since I start school this month, maybe its good timing for me to focus on school, and him to focus on himself.
    Thanks again!

    September 21, 2015 at 1:52 pm #83747
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear starfish2111:

    My input is regarding the following: you wrote that you “love his family” and that his parents were “slightly abusive” and that he “holds on to a lot of his past and is learning to let go of his traumas” and that you “want to be there for him

    You may have to choose between loving him OR loving his family: if his family (parents, I suppose) were abusive to him and there hasn’t been real repair in their relationship and you encourage, support their relationship then you are undermining him. Can’t have it both ways, is my input.

    anita

    September 21, 2015 at 6:41 pm #83776
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Thanks for your input Anita.
    He has repaired his relationship with his parents. They are first generation over from Mexico, catholic background, and culturally have a different way of raising children. They have a much healthier relationship now, and have discussed the ways in which his upbringing was not that great.
    Thank you again for reading 🙂

    My biggest concern is whether or not I can commit to this relationship, knowing his struggles, and how it could bring me down over time. I’m young enough to choose which way I want to go. I worry about marrying him in the future, and getting my heart broken all over again if his behavior never changes…or perhaps this relationship is preventing him from changing his behavior. Just not sure…
    Thanks again everyone for listening.

    September 21, 2015 at 7:03 pm #83779
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear starfish2111:

    I read your original post again and although the craiglist issue is a valid concern, it seems to me that you are emotionally over reacting to it, meaning your worry about the craiglist tool a life of its own and has escalated without a worsening of his behavior and in spite of his efforts to solve the problem (support group and therapist).

    This may be a tendency on your part that will make almost any relationship with a man impossible or very difficult, that is if you take one issue and run with it to nowhere.

    What if you and him attend therapy, separately or together- how about together, that may be a good idea???

    So you work on the dual problem here: his craiglist occupation and your need to tolerate the fact that indeed no relationship is guaranteed and none will be without problems.

    anita

    September 21, 2015 at 7:05 pm #83780
    Anonymous
    Guest

    correction: “your worry about the craiglist took a life of its own.”

    September 21, 2015 at 7:59 pm #83786
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Thank you Anita! I agree. I think a lot of my over reacting has come come from reading other forums where women have posted horror stories of their husbands who repeatedly cheat after starting with porn and their problems escalate. I shouldn’t have done that…..
    I know I can’t compare my relationship to anyone else’s, and my boyfriend is a completely different person than other men that have similar issues.
    Thanks for helping me look at my own reactions.

    September 21, 2015 at 8:08 pm #83787
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear starfish2111:

    You are welcome. Post again on this thread regarding your relationship here. From what you wrote it reads that he is a quality young man. If the two of you deepen your communication even more, be vulnerable with each other, you will probably get stronger, the two of you individually and together. It is when people hide (from oneself and from the other), close their eyes and move on to what “destiny” or luck has for them- that people stay weak and get even weaker. If you proceed forward with open eyes and heart, you will get stronger and stronger.

    anita

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