HomeâForumsâRelationshipsâStuck in friendship?
- This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 3 months ago by Call Me Ishmael.
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August 6, 2016 at 2:08 am #111659MillyParticipant
I became close friends with someone who I realized in the past few months is quite unhealthy and in many ways toxic. When I say unhealthy, I mean in a way that is quite damaging to his friends. Many of his friends, I’ve found out, can’t stand him and share my feelings. I want to either be more honest with him about their behavior, or grow more distant.
However, I feel quite stuck to do anything for a very major and personal reason: he knows quite a bit about a very intense situation in my life, that I would like to remain private. It’s nothing illegal, but it is something I’d like to remain private–not just for me, but for other people involved. This person is not very respectful of confidentiality. Unfortunately, I did not realize they had such personality traits until too late. I want to talk to this person about their behavior, and lead a healthier friendship, but they’re a loaded gun: I feel if I upset them, he will betray my trust and expose this secret. I’m scared if we grow more distant, he’ll either resent me and expose this secret, or not care about keeping it anymore.
I’ve definitely learned my lesson about who to trust, but what can I do?
August 6, 2016 at 2:46 am #111660Christian MillsParticipantShit, that’s a tricky one!!! Is your secret really that bad and/or damaging?? I had a friend like that, it was so destructive but I had little to lose. You MUST get out and you’ll feel the biggest weight off your shoulders. Can’t you just ride the storm if this secret gets out? If you have other GOOD friends and family I’m sure they will stand by you and understand? I’d like to think they would?
August 6, 2016 at 2:51 am #111661MillyParticipantUnfortunately, the secret is pretty bad. I could ride it out but I’d really rather not, especially because it directly affects someone else. So yes, I’m unsure what to do.
August 6, 2016 at 3:39 am #111663Christian MillsParticipantI just ended up moving away and started again; I just disappeared. Is that maybe an option?
August 6, 2016 at 3:40 am #111664Christian MillsParticipantHow often do you see this toxic friend?
August 6, 2016 at 4:17 am #111665InkyParticipantHi Megan,
Here’s a technique that would make him look like an idiot:
THE SECRET GETS OUT!
You: “Yeah, and I adopted ten Russian children while pole dancing. Seriously, and did you hear the one about how he told people I would store his crap in my basement? Or the one about lending him $10,000? What’s with this guy??”
Stick with these two Non-yet-believable “Truths”: That he told people you said you’d store all his crap and that you’d lend him 10K. Then The Secret will be discredited in everyone’s mind.
And if he calls you on it? Simply laugh at him. You deactivated his bomb. Your word against his.
Meanwhile, before it comes to that, seek sanctuary in politeness. Don’t seek him out, and don’t give him ANY information on yourself when you do see him. Always ask about HIM and say, “Good” and “Fine” and “Nothing much” when asked about you.
Good Luck!
Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
August 6, 2016 at 7:11 am #111670AnonymousGuestDear Megan:
I would say: don’t confront this person about his/ her behaviors. But stop initiating contact, stop responding to initiation of contact, of get together and stay away, melt into the background of this person’s life.
This way you minimize the chances of revenge by avoiding confrontation and at the same time you no longer engage in a relationship with the person who is harmful to you.
One more thing: about the secret, see if you can do something in that regard, independently of the now ex friend (ex because a friend is someone you trust). You wrote that the secret is not something illegal, well… decriminalize it. Make a reasonable, wise effort to bring it to the light.
anita
August 7, 2016 at 11:30 am #111779Call Me IshmaelParticipantMegan,
From your post it sounds like there are several different people involved in this dilemma:
Person A: You, a close friend of Person B, and a member of groups C and D
Person B: Your close friend, an âunhealthyâ and âtoxicâ person, whose behavior is âdamaging to his friendsâ (Group C and you), and who is ânot very respectful of confidentiality,â with whom you are not as honest as you would like to be, and with whom want to âlead a healthier friendshipâ
Group C: Person Bâs âfriends,â who âcanât stand himâ and who âshare [your] feelingsâ about him being an unhealthy, toxic person, and who behave in ways you think Person B should know about
Group D: âOther people involvedâ in the âpretty badâ âsecretâ that is a âvery intense situation in [your] lifeâ
Person E: âSomeone else,â who is directly affected by the âsecret,â and who is possibly a member of Group D
Is that correct?
If so, can you be more specific about who âtheyâ are, who have âsuch personality traits,â who are a âloaded gun,â who you donât want to âupsetâ? Is this Group C or Group D, or another group altogether? Is Person E a member of Group D?
If I understand you correctly, you would like to tell Person B about Group Câs feelings about him (feelings that you share), and their behaviors (that apparently pertain to him) that you think he should know about. You want to do this to be more honest with him and to lead a healthier friendship with him.
However, if you do tell him about Group Bâs feelings and behaviors, youâre afraid that he will reveal your role in the âpretty badâ âsecret.â
If Person B reveals the secret, and your role in it, you are afraid of: what the âloaded gunâ group (possibly Group C) who have âsuch personality traitsâ will do, apparently to you; how Group D, who are involved in the secret, will be affected and/or how they may react; and how Person E may be affected.
If all of that is correct, youâd like to know what to do?
CMI
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