Shit, that’s a tricky one!!! Is your secret really that bad and/or damaging?? I had a friend like that, it was so destructive but I had little to lose. You MUST get out and you’ll feel the biggest weight off your shoulders. Can’t you just ride the storm if this secret gets out? If you have other GOOD friends and family I’m sure they will stand by you and understand? I’d like to think they would?

I just ended up moving away and started again; I just disappeared. Is that maybe an option?

Hi Megan,

Here’s a technique that would make him look like an idiot:

THE SECRET GETS OUT!

You: “Yeah, and I adopted ten Russian children while pole dancing. Seriously, and did you hear the one about how he told people I would store his crap in my basement? Or the one about lending him $10,000? What’s with this guy??”

Stick with these two Non-yet-believable “Truths”: That he told people you said you’d store all his crap and that you’d lend him 10K. Then The Secret will be discredited in everyone’s mind.

And if he calls you on it? Simply laugh at him. You deactivated his bomb. Your word against his.

Meanwhile, before it comes to that, seek sanctuary in politeness. Don’t seek him out, and don’t give him ANY information on yourself when you do see him. Always ask about HIM and say, “Good” and “Fine” and “Nothing much” when asked about you.

Good Luck!

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

Megan,

From your post it sounds like there are several different people involved in this dilemma:

Person A: You, a close friend of Person B, and a member of groups C and D

Person B: Your close friend, an “unhealthy” and “toxic” person, whose behavior is “damaging to his friends” (Group C and you), and who is “not very respectful of confidentiality,” with whom you are not as honest as you would like to be, and with whom want to “lead a healthier friendship”

Group C: Person B’s “friends,” who “can’t stand him” and who “share [your] feelings” about him being an unhealthy, toxic person, and who behave in ways you think Person B should know about

Group D: “Other people involved” in the “pretty bad” “secret” that is a “very intense situation in [your] life”

Person E: “Someone else,” who is directly affected by the “secret,” and who is possibly a member of Group D

Is that correct?

If so, can you be more specific about who “they” are, who have “such personality traits,” who are a “loaded gun,” who you don’t want to “upset”? Is this Group C or Group D, or another group altogether? Is Person E a member of Group D?

If I understand you correctly, you would like to tell Person B about Group C’s feelings about him (feelings that you share), and their behaviors (that apparently pertain to him) that you think he should know about. You want to do this to be more honest with him and to lead a healthier friendship with him.

However, if you do tell him about Group B’s feelings and behaviors, you’re afraid that he will reveal your role in the “pretty bad” “secret.”

If Person B reveals the secret, and your role in it, you are afraid of: what the “loaded gun” group (possibly Group C) who have “such personality traits” will do, apparently to you; how Group D, who are involved in the secret, will be affected and/or how they may react; and how Person E may be affected.

If all of that is correct, you’d like to know what to do?

CMI