HomeâForumsâRelationshipsâStuck in friendship?
- This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 8 months ago by
Call Me Ishmael.
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August 6, 2016 at 2:46 am #111660
Christian Mills
ParticipantShit, that’s a tricky one!!! Is your secret really that bad and/or damaging?? I had a friend like that, it was so destructive but I had little to lose. You MUST get out and you’ll feel the biggest weight off your shoulders. Can’t you just ride the storm if this secret gets out? If you have other GOOD friends and family I’m sure they will stand by you and understand? I’d like to think they would?
August 6, 2016 at 2:51 am #111661Milly
ParticipantUnfortunately, the secret is pretty bad. I could ride it out but I’d really rather not, especially because it directly affects someone else. So yes, I’m unsure what to do.
August 6, 2016 at 3:39 am #111663Christian Mills
ParticipantI just ended up moving away and started again; I just disappeared. Is that maybe an option?
August 6, 2016 at 3:40 am #111664Christian Mills
ParticipantHow often do you see this toxic friend?
August 6, 2016 at 4:17 am #111665Inky
ParticipantHi Megan,
Here’s a technique that would make him look like an idiot:
THE SECRET GETS OUT!
You: “Yeah, and I adopted ten Russian children while pole dancing. Seriously, and did you hear the one about how he told people I would store his crap in my basement? Or the one about lending him $10,000? What’s with this guy??”
Stick with these two Non-yet-believable “Truths”: That he told people you said you’d store all his crap and that you’d lend him 10K. Then The Secret will be discredited in everyone’s mind.
And if he calls you on it? Simply laugh at him. You deactivated his bomb. Your word against his.
Meanwhile, before it comes to that, seek sanctuary in politeness. Don’t seek him out, and don’t give him ANY information on yourself when you do see him. Always ask about HIM and say, “Good” and “Fine” and “Nothing much” when asked about you.
Good Luck!
Inky
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This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by
Inky.
August 6, 2016 at 7:11 am #111670Anonymous
GuestDear Megan:
I would say: don’t confront this person about his/ her behaviors. But stop initiating contact, stop responding to initiation of contact, of get together and stay away, melt into the background of this person’s life.
This way you minimize the chances of revenge by avoiding confrontation and at the same time you no longer engage in a relationship with the person who is harmful to you.
One more thing: about the secret, see if you can do something in that regard, independently of the now ex friend (ex because a friend is someone you trust). You wrote that the secret is not something illegal, well… decriminalize it. Make a reasonable, wise effort to bring it to the light.
anita
August 7, 2016 at 11:30 am #111779Call Me Ishmael
ParticipantMegan,
From your post it sounds like there are several different people involved in this dilemma:
Person A: You, a close friend of Person B, and a member of groups C and D
Person B: Your close friend, an âunhealthyâ and âtoxicâ person, whose behavior is âdamaging to his friendsâ (Group C and you), and who is ânot very respectful of confidentiality,â with whom you are not as honest as you would like to be, and with whom want to âlead a healthier friendshipâ
Group C: Person Bâs âfriends,â who âcanât stand himâ and who âshare [your] feelingsâ about him being an unhealthy, toxic person, and who behave in ways you think Person B should know about
Group D: âOther people involvedâ in the âpretty badâ âsecretâ that is a âvery intense situation in [your] lifeâ
Person E: âSomeone else,â who is directly affected by the âsecret,â and who is possibly a member of Group D
Is that correct?
If so, can you be more specific about who âtheyâ are, who have âsuch personality traits,â who are a âloaded gun,â who you donât want to âupsetâ? Is this Group C or Group D, or another group altogether? Is Person E a member of Group D?
If I understand you correctly, you would like to tell Person B about Group Câs feelings about him (feelings that you share), and their behaviors (that apparently pertain to him) that you think he should know about. You want to do this to be more honest with him and to lead a healthier friendship with him.
However, if you do tell him about Group Bâs feelings and behaviors, youâre afraid that he will reveal your role in the âpretty badâ âsecret.â
If Person B reveals the secret, and your role in it, you are afraid of: what the âloaded gunâ group (possibly Group C) who have âsuch personality traitsâ will do, apparently to you; how Group D, who are involved in the secret, will be affected and/or how they may react; and how Person E may be affected.
If all of that is correct, youâd like to know what to do?
CMI
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This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by
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