Dear OrangeHeart:

“I feel like I can’t do things I’d like to because I worry how its going to affect other people… I just don’t want my time to be ruined by other people“-

– I think that the following two suggestions will help to lower your stress level: (1) Minimize or eliminate your contact with difficult people such as your sister. Don’t try to please her. Instead: stay away from her.

(2) Spend more alone-time, go places on your own.

What do you think?

anita

Dear OrangeHeart:

You are welcome! You wrote in your recent post: “I just always feel like people are then offended that I’ve not asked them, like this concert, I just feel like I’m letting people down“-

– you expressed something similar on April 25, in your previous thread, in regard to relationships with men: “I just start getting put off them, possibly from spending too much time together… but then I always get a feeling that I’m being a b*** * to them.. I get a mixture of feeling not good enough for them or that I’m treating them badly”-

It looks to me like the following (and correct me where I am wrong): (1) being around people for too long, in general, stresses you out.

(2) The reason for the above may be that when you lived with your parents, as a child- being around them and witnessing their rubbish relationship (“My parents’ relationship was rubbish.. my mum is quite abusive towards my dad”) terribly stressed you out. Being your abusive mother’s target terribly stressed you out a lot too (“She done the same with my sister and I growing up”), so being stuck with the two of them really stressed you out=> you get stressed out whenever you find yourself “stuck” with someone for too long, and you want out!

You wrote regarding your father who still lives with your mother: “I wish my dad would leave her”- in a way, you do in your life what you wish your father did, leave boyfriend after boyfriend (?)

(3) Maybe you are afraid to do what you want to do (ex. go to the concert on your own) because you don’t want to be like your mother who has been “quite abusive towards my dad and brings him down to nothing at any chance she gets”- in other words, you don’t want to be a b**** (using your word). You don’t want to be like her (the abuser/ the b**** aka the aggressive female), and you don’t want to be like your father (the abused/ the passive people pleaser).

Maybe you are afraid to be like your mother, or like your father, not knowing that there is a middle ground, being neither like her nor like him.

You asked in your recent post: “How can I work on not taking on people’s feelings and putting myself first?“- find that middle ground between being like your mother and being like your father: be assertive, not aggressive; be fair to yourself and ne fair to others (not one or the other).

What do you think?

anita

Dear OrangeHeart,

you’re welcome, good you’re seeing the connection between your and your dad’s behavior.

I think my fear of going with my friend instead of my sister is because i just dont want to make my sister feel worse than she already does!

Right, and it’s the same fear you have with your boyfriend. It’s easier to keep them happy than upset them and then deal with the consequences…

It’s good you want to work on your assertiveness, but I think it’s also important to know where the lack of assertiveness is coming from: it’s not necessarily that you lack self-confidence and are shy, but it’s more that you are in the habit of suppressing your own needs not to upset the others. So I guess that in order to develop more assertiveness, you’d need to break free from that pattern you saw in your family, and realize it’s not the way to be in relationships…

Dear OrangeHeart,

I just dont like conflict, i dont know how to break free.

when you express your needs, and it’s different from what the other person wants, how does it make you feel?

If you were to tell your sister the truth (that you don’t want to go to concert with her because she’ll get drunk and unpleasant), how would it make you feel?

Dear OrangeHeart,

And i feel guilty that I’ve ruined their mood or made them upset or offended.

When was the first time you noticed that you feel upset for demanding things for yourself, for expressing your needs? I am asking you this because I believe it stems from your childhood, and maybe it’s not just that you saw this behavior in your father, and adopted it, but also perhaps you were made guilty for having normal needs of a child? Perhaps your mother was very needy (you said in your previous thread that she behaves like another child), so you felt guilty for having needs of your own? Or you even felt the need to take care of her and make sure she’s okay?

Dear OrangeHeart,

you’re very welcome!

I totally agree, i do think its came from my mum! She gets incredibly angry over nothing all the time, i used to be terrified of her as a child!

Right. You also said that she is quite abusive with your father and puts him down all the time, and that she was the same with you and your sister while you were growing up:

My mum is quite abusive towards my dad and brings him down to nothing at any chance she gets. She done the same with my sister and I growing up, she’s also financially dependent on my dad as she doesn’t work even though she has no reason not to and she does nothing to help around the house, she’s basically like another child!

It appears your mother was/is the “bully” in the family, who terrorizes everyone else. You used to be terrified of her as a child, maybe because she was loud, yelling, perhaps hysterical as well? Your father chose the strategy to appease the bully, or the tyrant, because it seemed easier than to confront her. You chose the same strategy – suppress your own needs and desires and do as the tyrant pleases, in order to keep the peace. Would you say that this is what happened?

I just hope I can change

Yes, you can definitely change this learned mechanism of “appeasing”, and can learn to stand up for yourself! You might need  to do some inner child work, so that you can change the learned behavior more easily.

Dear OrangeHeart,

I am glad that we pinpointed the most likely cause.

How do I do inner child work though?

Well,  for starters just be aware that appeasing is a defense mechanism that the little girl that you once were chose as a way to protect herself from her mother. It was also as a way to be loved and accepted – and not rejected – by her mother. Later appeasing became people pleasing…  you feeling intense discomfort if you were to do something that others object to, or if you were to express your own needs and desires. Be aware of the origin of that need to people please – it’s to appease and please your mother.

You can anchor yourself in your adult self, and be a loving, supportive parent to the little girl inside of you. Perhaps you can do a meditation and encourage her to express herself freely (maybe she would like to dance or sing or whatever the little girl would want to express), and you as the loving adult simply observe her with love and appreciation. You admire her, cheer her on, are happy to see her expressing herself.

So perhaps the first step would be acknowledging that your needs are valid and legitimate, and giving yourself love and acceptance for having those needs, rather than trying to suppress them immediately.

Do you feel like something you could do? But do it only if you feel connected to your adult self, who is capable of providing that loving attention to the little girl.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.