Hi, inky!

Me and him are pretty non-traditional and have discussed not wanting to get married. Neither one of us feels it’s something we need. But at one point, he did talk about moving towns and asked if I would come along and officially live with him. At the time, I was open to the idea, but at this point that kind of commitment scares me. I am very intrigued by your perspective of saying HE may be self-sabotaging things because he’s stressed out. I have always thought it was just me ruining everything, and he himself and my counselor have said that I am at fault for that.

Anita, the fight between him and my sister was ridiculous and I don’t know how to condense it to make it make sense. One afternoon, I was supposed to be home to meet my mom and sister and I fell way behind because of some random issues with running into someone outside his apartment. 2 hours passed and my mom and sister decided to just drive over to see if I was okay and where I was. They couldn’t find me, and called my boyfriend to get permission from the apartment office to look in the apartment to see if I had fainted or something considering my health issues. So she got the okay from my boyfriend and she went into the apartment with the manager of the apartments. She couldn’t find me and freaked out because my phone was still in the apartment along with my purse, which made no sense. My mom started freaking out and insisted my sister go back in and check with my 12 year old niece, and by this time – my boyfriend’s super stuck up and judgmental mom drove up. They finally found me as I was around the back of the apartments. Then after things settled and my boyfriend made it back that evening after I left, he sent me a very long heated message telling me that my sister had violated his privacy and that he was not going to stand for it, and that something from under his bed had been moved out (my 12 year old niece did this), and that his mom had called him and told him my sister wore her shoes in his apartment (they are against people wearing shoes in homes), and that she had left all the lights on. Okay, I turned off the lights when they found me so the lights were on maybe a max of 30 minutes. But I tried to defend my sister and he wouldn’t have it. I respected him feeling violated but he was LIVID. He said this was just what my sister would do because he hates her. He hates that she’s on welfare and food stamps, thinks she’s lazy and entitled to handouts, and has a sassy mouth. Also, he said my hystericalness (as with my paranoias and health stuff) must run in my family because of how much my family overreacted that day. That night my sister sent him a horrible message with a screenshot of a newspaper article showing his arrest back about 2 months prior to hitting someone. (He hid this from me, by the way). She told him that he had some room to talk and that his a** should be in jail. Okay, my boyfriend has been through a ton of legal and court drama his entire life because of his grandparents who abused him and his family and always got him accused and arrested. Also, he had an alcoholic ex who got him arrested one night too. And when his first business went under, several of his clients tried to sue him. So he’s VERY sensitive to being accused and he has talked about it in therapy but my sister will never understand the amount of pain she caused him by saying that to him. Me and him fought for weeks over this, and when he had an upcoming court date about his arrest from hitting that person, I attempted to storm out of the apartment because he brought up my sister again in a cussing fit about her after we had made amends and I had asked him to please never bring up my family again. He was so offended that in his moment of need, I took up for my sister yet again. But I try to tell him that what she did hurt me too because I begged her not to send that message. I feel like I can’t win. If I choose him, I betray her and my family. If I choose her, I feel like I’m just doing it to appease her and I betray him. I’m incredibly close to my family but I feel like I’m beginning to see my sister differently and I feel bad for that. I don’t know if these new feelings are influenced by him, or if just being with him has caused me to gain new perspective. Thank you, everyone!

Thank you, Anita!

I think everything you said makes sense. He is very easily annoyed and has a perfectionist personality, and has trouble letting go of control in stressful situations. Unfortunately, that always includes me. When you mentioned that he needs someone more calm, do you mean because my sensitivity and “drama” to him is too much for him? Or is it just about my sister? Honestly, I always tried to keep my family mostly separate from him. I would have to attend to his family weekly, whereas for him, he only ever had to see my family on holidays. I do mention my sister a lot, though. So perhaps he just gets exhausted from hearing about her, knowing how much disdain he has for her. I really don’t know how I can keep my future relationships further away from my family because I already did the best I could to cater to him through this 3 years, and he still blew up about her in the end. Likewise, my sister is easily shaken and emotional and angry like him too, so I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of this mess. My counselor said that due to my unstable childhood, I unhealthily attached myself to my sister (my sister was basically my caregiver when I was little), and so I have lived trying to please her and do things the way she approves of since then. I really am going to have to learn to develop my own personal boundaries.

So you think that with me being very sensitive and insecure, that I couldn’t try harder to just not let things get to me so much? I feel like it’s my fault for letting those things get to me so much and that I’m ruining our shot at a future. I also feel like it’s my fault for letting the family issues get in our way, considering most people I know don’t care what their family says. But the difference with me was that I was hurt by him and my sister equally, and they are tangled in this. He could be more sensitive to my feelings, and not get so angry, but I feel I could also just chill out and try to separate myself from his critiques and opinions of me when he gets frustrated. Always after he cools down from our fights, he comes back to me and basically says “disagreements and hurdles are a part of every relationship.” And, “We all go through things we struggle with, and that’s what a relationship is – dealing with them together.” I’m always left confused with this because he is the instigator of all our fights. He is always the one to voice to me he’s upset with me over something I’ve done. And yet he later comes to me all rational and makes me feel like everything we’re doing is supposed to be normal because he says it’s fine, and I need to stop being so hurt over our disputes. I take everything he says to heart because I have no self-identity outside of his approval of me and I am having trouble ever believing he’s wrong about anything. It feels very dangerous and weird to feel so “in awe” of someone, like he’s my god or something. But I can’t help it.

Thank you again!

Thank you, Anita!

I’m sorry this has taken me so long to reply. A lot of life drama has happened. I just want to thank you for your perspective and clarity on this situation. It keeps me in check. We finally talked tonight after 4 months of a break and though we love each other, we still have a lot to work on and now is not the time to get back together. Maybe not ever, if we can’t grow on our own. I’ve learned a lot.

Hi, everyone…again.

I am back again asking desperately for some perspective. Let me just preface by saying I’m still active in counseling addressing my childhood trauma and codependency, so I feel like I always try to keep myself in check. However, that seems to be consistently my downfall at the same time. My boyfriend I previously spoke of here and I got back together in January of this year, after a 5 month break. Then, as you can guess, we started falling apart over arguments and judgments little by little again until it all came to a head with a huge argument, and about a week later I ended it with him officially in July, blocked him on everything, and went no contact. Last night, he texted me from a NEW phone number, basically saying he had made me a video and said it was there for me to watch, or not. He shared a link to the video too in the text. My heart sank because I have been feeling very weak lately missing him. However, I didn’t click through the link because I knew it would probably work on my heart strings more and also he would be able to see I viewed his video in the view count on Youtube. I then blocked his number.

No matter how much pain we’ve caused each other, I never wanted to end this (probably codependency speaking). I never felt good about my decision to break up, but I just felt like it was the most mature decision for us to avoid any more bad blood and hurt. (He never would even think of ending it, that’s why I felt like I had to finally do it). I am left now dying to still know what this video entails, and also feeling guilt that I am leaving him hanging. But, I am also feeling annoyed that he thinks he can just disrespect my boundaries and text me from a new number expecting me to feed into his attention again too. But, again…a part of me unfortunately misses him still and wonders if I made a mistake to end it.

I am sorry that this is all over the place! I guess I should also say that the big argument that unraveled us was that I went on a trip with friends to a place he had been wanting to take me for years. I didn’t go with him because of my health anxiety, so he felt betrayed and like he couldn’t trust me. I really only went with my friends because I wasn’t going to have to drive the 5 hour trip and handle the planning (things he always wanted me to either take control over or help with). After this, he sent me a novel explaining that I will never make anything of myself and that I deserve my pathetic family and will never be a normal functioning adult, and shame on me for giving up on the one person who tried to help better my life and see that I could have and do more. Also, that I can’t see out of my bubble that my family has brainwashed me into, abusing me to stay to do their bidding and not grow and mature. Also, he said that I might as well get on government assistance like my family, and he told me to never contact him again, calling me a f*cking GD loser. I didn’t reply. The next day, he frantically messaged me and said, “Nevermind. Meet me at this park at this time. We’re going to talk this out in person like it should be done.” I declined, feeling like he was being very reactive and frankly scaring me. He freaked out, and then a few days later, he wrote twice a long novel about how desperately sorry and disgusted with himself he was for saying all those things to me, and admitted to not handling his anger well, to the point that he drinks when he’s raging…and that he was essentially drunk when he exploded on me. He said it wasn’t an excuse, but that he needed to admit he didn’t have healthy coping mechanisms. (Mind you, I have dated this guy for 4 years, seeing him almost every day and i never once saw him drink beyond a little mimosa here or there at a restaurant). So it was so odd. He said he almost threw up and cried at work feeling so horrible about it all, and that he didn’t mean anything he said and I didn’t deserve any of it and that I have been the best, most understanding and gentle and kind person he’s ever met. He said he understood if I never wanted to forgive him. I sat on this message for 7 hours, and I replied with a short paragraph stating that I accepted his apology. It’s because I truly did think he finally felt humility after all these years and was being vulnerable with me. He immediately texted me back so relieved saying thank you for being so forgiving, and then that inch I gave turned into a mile in his head and he essentially thought we were again just on a break to work towards getting back together again. I had to plainly state a week later it was over though because talking just hurt me too much.

I honestly cannot believe he has reached out to me again like this, with a heartfelt plea of “art.” He is a video/film guy, so it makes sense that he would be dramatic like this and make me a video. I also want to say that my counselor assumes he may could be a narcissist, and I think he could be too. He also has admitted he is a perfectionist from his own therapy, and when he apologized profusely to me, he admitted he always put too many expectations on me and he should have just went and took trips and did adventurous stuff on his own, instead of expecting me to do everything with him. I am just left still so unsure of everything, because I still just feel completely responsible for being too sensitive towards him, and for being careless with his feelings where I didn’t realize I was being. Also, because I really do feel like my health anxiety and issues sabotage things and bring people down. I can’t take up for myself – every time I read or watch a video on narcissistic abuse, I just immediately flip it around to his perspective and can only take up for him, and throw myself under the bus, feeling so guilty for hurting him. And in therapy, I cannot for the life of me see my own hurt. At what point are we supposed to accept ourselves for where we are and how we are, and at what point are we supposed to own up to our toxicity and change ourselves for others? If what others say or do in response to us is none of our business, then how is anyone ever legitimized in being hurt by someone and when do we owe people apologizes, or they owe us changed behavior/apologies? I just feel like I have no right to feel hurt and I can’t defend myself, even after he’s gone! And now that he’s back with that text…I feel even more confused.

Thank you to anyone if you take the time out and read this. I am HORRIBLE at summarizing.

Thank you, Anita!

My counselor and I came to that conclusion of him possibly being a narcissist because she had me go through the manual checklist she had. She said of course, she can only assume from a bystander point and he’s not her client. He seems consumed with having praise and acknowledgment, and is bitterly offended when his efforts are ignored or people don’t react the way he would to a situation. He also has no empathy for others, and is VERY critical of anyone with opposing opinions, and revels in when his “enemies” fail. He put down all my friends and family, calling them lazy and bad people who were toxic to me. Maybe at the very least, he has an issue with control. I think I want to pin something concrete on him so I can gain insight into what happened to us from a logical standpoint, and what his faults are. Because I definitely understand my faults come from childhood neglect. I am always searching for validation to my hurt, that if he has a clinical issue or something easily identifiably toxic about him, I’ll feel more legitimized in leaving and abandoning him and us not working out.

I am trying hard to accept that maybe we were just dysfunctional and when times got rough, we just consistently misunderstood each other and didn’t share each other’s love languages. But why would someone like him who has so many issues with me, and my family, always fight to keep us going? Why after two months of no contact, and ending things with the understanding between us that it just didn’t work out…why is he trying to fight again for us? He’d be outright disgusted with me one day, and the next, he’d always insist I was precious to him and that stuff was trivial. I never could trust how he truly felt about me, and that was another reason for me giving up, I guess. I have a real problem with not being able to understand my wants and needs. If he wants me and needs me, I want him. If he’s done, I am like…okay then I am done and don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me. I wish I could just find my own voice. I never was and still am not emotionally able to be done with him, but my physical body couldn’t handle the fights anymore. I felt downright scolded by him each time and I’d have panic attacks and couldn’t eat. Was I just overreacting and leaking out childhood trauma on him when he’d confront me with something I did wrong, or was he just being toxic and judgmental?