I found the Tiny Buddha website about 2  months ago and I am so grateful! This site has been a godsend and I rely on it several times a day in order to get my mind straight.

An old acquaintance and I met up at the end of the summer after not seeing one another for several years. He lives in NYC, which is about 3 hours away from me, and just got out of a long-term relationship. He was in town visiting family and we rekindled a physical relationship. There is an 8-year age difference between us, with him being younger. He was 21 and I was 29 when we first started hanging out. Our personalities couldn’t be more different. He is very materialistic while I’m the complete opposite. Despite these differences, we were always attracted to one another and felt very comfortable with each other. It got to the point though where we were so different (and he was so immature due to the age difference) that it was hard for me to spend any significant time with him. As a result we fell out of touch and he moved to NYC. His brother is married to my sister’s friend so I would receive occasional updates on how he was doing but hadn’t talked to him until we reconnected this summer. He made it clear that he didn’t want anything serious because he just got out of a 4-year relationship. I was completely on board with that until he started to kick things up a notch. We would talk every day and he would constantly compliment me and tell me how much he missed me. This attention made me feel things I hadn’t felt in years, and despite some red flags I allowed myself to be more open and vulnerable than I usually allow myself to be. It even got to the point where he mentioned me going back on birth control so we could be more intimate with each other. To me, that really kicked things up a notch. Whenever he would come home to visit his time would be very limited with me because he had family to spend time with. As a compromise I told him I could travel to see him in NYC in November, once work quieted down for me. He appeared excited about that and told me he would contact me to make plans, but never did. As each day passed, I felt him slipping more and more away and because I’m codependent I pulled out all of the stops to try and steer things back in a positive direction. When we did talk he would be either completely disengaged (leaving me disheartened) or all in (telling my how much he missed me,which thrilled me). It got exhausting dealing with the back and forth, hearing his excuses and not knowing where I stood with him. If he reaches out to me and doesn’t hear back right away, he’ll send a barrage of texts to see what I’m doing. However, I’ll text him, see that he read it via iPhone notifications but sometimes will take hours and even a day to respond. This weekend he pulled the same thing and when I mentioned it to him he said he left his phone at home all day despite the fact that I saw him active on social media throughout the day.

This weekend was my birthday and I went out to celebrate with friends. I drank a little more than I should of and got emotional when he started to text “the most beautiful girl” on her birthday. I eventually unloaded and told him I feel like he doesn’t want me anymore and he disagreed saying we talk every day (not true) and he doesn’t know why I say such negative things. All of the things I’ve been feeling over the past 2 months and bottled up came spilling out. The next day I woke up with regret that I came clean to him while I was in that condition and not at the time when I was sober. I texted him a genuine apology. I owned up to my part and didn’t feel it was right to call him out at that time but need to be more open and honest as I’m feeling these types of emotions. Again, I saw that he read the message but he hasn’t responded. It’s been two days. Yesterday I felt confident in how I responded to him – I owned up to what I felt I did wrong and tried to make it right. The fact that he hasn’t acknowledged or responded to my outreach tells me all I need to know about him. However, today is a different story. I woke up this morning feeling like I totally screwed this up with him. I know deep down that’s not true. This relationship would never work out for the simple facts that he will not compromise, he’s too self involved, says things he knows I want to hear with no intention of following through, etc. However, I still feel like I’m the one who screwed up. The codependent person in me wants to reach out and apologize profusely, but thankfully the rational person in me is prevailing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt terrible as a result of his behavior (and for me allowing it to happen) but there is a part of me today that is clinging to the person he was in the beginning. He was so engaged, couldn’t wait to see me, etc. That person is gone and I constantly question what I did to cause this to change.

I apologize for the lengthy explanation. My therapist has been out of work and recovering from surgery for the past 2 months. I talk to my friends about this often, but feel like they’ve heard enough. I go to CODA meetings and journal frequently but really need another outlet and felt this would be a good start. Thank you all for listening and for any feedback you may have <3