Hello, I am completely brand new to this kind of thing, so bear with me. I am desperately looking for advice or a direction, so I figured I’d shoot my shot here.

So my story is a long one. About 6 years ago, I moved to a new city and started school. I joined a sports team and immediately made friends with the other girls on the team, including a girl I’ll call Nancy for the sake of this story. Nancy and I weren’t necessarily fast friends, most likely because she was a sophomore and I was an annoying freshman who was figuring college out in the most annoying way possible. But come second semester of my freshman year, we were friends, and that friendship just got stronger. We spent time a ton of time together, traveled together, and at one point she stayed at my house in my bed with me most nights of the week, but it was platonic. We even kissed a few times, still platonic. HOWEVER, things in my life need meaning, and I am a romantic type, and I developed pretty strong feelings for her, but they weren’t reciprocated so I kept them a secret from her. We even lived together for a year and my other roommates would get annoyed at how touchy we were and how she seemed to get jealous of people who had more time with me than she did. I spent about 2-3 years of our friendship kind of desperately in love with her. I’d move mountains for her, but was so scared to lose her or strain our friendship that I didn’t tell her. We were best friends, like attached at the hip. Told each other so much and did so much together.

So cut to the end of our time living together, around July 2017. We almost moved out into a place together but I thought that would be a bad idea, so I stayed in the house and she moved out to live with some friends of hers. We went through a phase of not talking because I kind of freaked out because I thought I would see her less. But thats the only detail I remember, I’m not really sure why we stopped talking.

We started talking and hanging out normally again within months because we really missed each other. Then cut to January 2018, we got awfully drunk together and I admitted my feelings. She cried, I cried, and we didn’t talk for a week. But after that week was up, we had one of the scariest conversations where she told me it was mutual, and we talked about what this meant to us. We were exclusive for about 2-3 weeks, and she asked me to be her girlfriend on February 13th, 2018, and I was over the moon.

Things were good with us. We took things slowly, felt some bumps of a new relationship, but things were mainly amazing. We seemed to be completely on the same page and genuinely in love. Then comes April, and the first red flag. “Nancy” had lived with a married couple who were two of her best friends, and wasn’t thrilled with the way some things were going. She had originally agreed to resign the lease and live in the apartment another year, but was secretly making other arrangements behind their back, and didn’t tell them before it was too late. Which rightfully pissed off the couple, who moved out, and haven’t talked to her since. This is a pattern of behavior that happens with Nancy. She sees something wrong, but doesn’t work on it or say anything before its too late, this has happened to 4 of her BEST friends in the past YEAR, including me. Which I will get in to soon.

Then comes September 2018. I travel home with her to her sister’s engagement party. Things go well, but I am completely and utterly overwhelmed by anxiety because this is my first time traveling with her as her girlfriend, and I convinced myself they hated me or hated her with me. Towards the end of the trip I got so terrified I tried to breakup with her so as to remove the burden of my insecurities and anxieties. We fought, she didn’t want to end it, and in the morning decided to stay together under the promise that she be honest with me.

Another cut to a few weeks after that. I live in the south, and we were getting hit with a huge hurricane. I had made the arrangements to stay at her apartment with her and her cousin because it was on safe ground. So I get there, brought my cat and brought food and everything. Soon after I get there the forecast gets worse, and they both start getting nervous and looking in to flights home to the north east. I start getting my things together to go to another friend’s house who I knew was staying put, allowing her to figure out whats going on. But she hated this. She wanted me to stay until she had plans, but kept waffling on if she was staying or not. It turned into a fight because she didn’t want me to leave. She just wanted to be with me, and kept crying and saying “i don’t want to not see you for a week”, which would have happened if we had split and gone our separate ways.

Then the last cut to October 10th. She was kind of quiet over text all day. I texted her in the evening and asked if everything was okay and she just said “idk, is it?” and said we needed to talk some things out. Next thing I know she’s at my house crying hysterically and kissing me, but breaking up with me, saying my insecurities give her insecurities. She wants to stay with me but leaves when I start having a panic attack, still wanting a kiss goodbye. Not to mention she didn’t talk to anyone before she did this, and kept saying “what if this is the wrong decision?”

The next morning I text her out of shock, she tells me she can’t see me and isn’t in love anymore, a complete departure from the night before when she told me she loved me, wanted to kiss me and stay with me. I’ve tried to text her since then, only to cold, terrible responses. I wanted another chance, she turned me down. I was absolutely shattered. This came from nowhere, we weren’t fighting, there were no warning signs. She started treating me as if I was a different person, as if I hurt her. She doesn’t talk to her friends, and hasn’t talked to them about me. She’s isolating and admitted she “isn’t processing things healthily”. I’ve seen her once and she didn’t acknowledge me the whole event, not even making eye contact. The last thing she said to me was she can’t see me and isn’t ready to be friends because she’s worried I’ll want another chance and she can’t handle that right now. Which sucked to hear. It took her a month to pick up her stuff that she left at mine from a friends house. Why?

So, I need help figuring out whats going on. She’s clearly not happy about this. She isolated, doesn’t go out anymore and doesn’t talk to her friends. I know she must be depressed. But it hurts because I hate seeing this. She isn’t admitting she’s depressed to anyone, and everyone I’ve talked to has said she needs to decide when to get help and see a professional. But I want to be there for her. I do want another chance because there was so much left for us to do. We recently talked about kids together and moving to our dream city. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and mine has, I still love her to absolute pieces. But I don’t even know if she misses me at all. I think she’s just unemotional. Is she depressed?

Can anyone help? What’s going on and what do I do? I want to move on, but I miss her absolutely constantly. Everything comes back to her.

Please help!