Dear @anita ,

I have been meaning to write more about myself but I was taking time. I have been working on my inner child healing with a therapist and some online resources for the past 1.5 years. Actually, immediately after the breakup and I made a lot of breakthroughs. You hit the nail on the head, that I wanted to be acknowledged, valued and appreciated by my parents.

My sister is 2.6 years younger than me and my memories of my childhood are all with her. She was loved by everyone. I always felt neglected and that explains why when I was younger I wanted everyone to like me. I used to bend my back to be nice to everyone. It was pathetic. My “friends” knew my weakness and it really made me feel lonely. I confessed to my parents last year that I felt lonely as a child. Always competing with my sister. I was so jealous of her. I even wanted a different family. She was smart, intelligent and comely. I was smart, intelligent and comely too but she would outshine me. I would be 1st in my class, she would be first in the whole school. I’ll get 93 she’d get a 100. And to be honest she was talented but it was the typical South-Asian competitive environment. I do think it did teach a lot of good things but equally shook my core. I have had many chats with my younger sister (she is lovely btw) about how I have felt. She used to even calm me when I was young but I just wanted to be loved as much as she was. I was the only child who was the troublemaker but I have realised the reason I did those was probably to get attention.

That explains why I needed to be liked and validated by people. I did not have any real friends till I went for my Bachelor’s study. People have childhood friends and they have school friends, I have none.  I wanted to run away from my school, my house and that town. I have had incidents of betrayal with my friends too (maybe a topic for another post) but once I stepped out of the house at 16 I felt free. I believe I have had a very interesting life. My path has been full of craziness but it also led to me becoming conscious of who I let in my inner world. I am very selective with calling people friends. I do not care if someone outside of my inner circle says anything about me. Honestly, this was something my friends and exes used to be very attracted to. I have learned so much but the path hasn’t been easy. Like I don’t think I had a great childhood. It was okay. When my ex told me that “you are the important thing” I actually felt bad. I was like so I am important and a spiritual person since I try to understand why people do what they do. I didn’t want to give power to that thought since then I would have been chuffed. In fact, after that I went and hung out with people, tried to mingle and in fact, I met a few nice people. When I told you about that freak out he had when I was in the Maldives it was because he learned that I was mingling with people and liked someone. I am a good company and people enjoy being with me. He knows that and he used to be scared of me being wooed by someone since we were in long distance. I am so silly that I stopped going out and meeting people because he used to question a lot and then feel bad saying “oh I guess everyone loves you and I feel sad that I cant be with you etc”. I thought it was love..hahaha

You know the day I decided that I am going to cut contact with him was the day he sent me an excerpt from an article saying this made me think of you. The excerpt was “My wager is that you can profitably read Machiavelli if you understand him to distinguish between “high trust and low trust environments”. When a good person is surrounded by evil ones, they have entered a low trust environment, and they will come to ruin if they act as if those surrounding were well-intentioned chaps.” I was like wow! I have worked so hard for the past 14 years to not be the victim of this but maybe have fallen into the trap. I honestly am tired of people telling me I am a good person. I don’t want to be a “good person” anymore, whatever that means. It’s like you will be eaten alive since you are a good person. That is when I decided I don’t want to talk to him.

I have found all these connections between my childhood, how I act and react, how I fall in love, what I look for in a partner and it’s ridiculous. I wonder why aren’t we taught these things when we are young? Why aren’t the parents taught this when they have kids? I have been writing about my childhood wounds for the last year but I feel like I am exhausted. I feel stupid to think about it now but I even shared it with my ex after we broke up and explained the reason why I was the way I was. And he just used it to quote the reasons he didn’t like me then. I know you would be vexed by the thought that I bring him up every time but I never trusted someone as much as I trusted him ever in my life. It made me question my own judgements and my outlook towards people. Am I always so blind? I have been told I am not good at judging people. Anyhoo, my point is there is never one reason for how a person is. My personality is a combination of so many things.

I realised why I used to choose guys who were reserved. It was my comfort zone. My dad used to be strict when I was young. He was not very open with sharing love and that is the reason I tend to choose guys who are quiet and keep to themselves. Just a not that my ex was nothing like him. He did use to snap (not at me) but in a reasonable fashion. My dad changed a lot since I moved out. It was like he grew up with me. I have a wonderful relationship with my dad now. He is my superstar. I wish he was like this when I was young but he didn’t know any better. He came from a family which is stingy with loving. His dad was always critical and was never supportive. That was the parenting my dad saw and that’s what he emulated. He still has residue of that in him but he also listens to my criticism. My mother, on the other hand, I feel like my relationship has deteriorated badly. I don’t think she likes me and neither do I like her a lot but we love each other. I never had female friends when I was young. In fact till 2020 I had like 3 female friends. Many acquaintances but only three close female friends. I am still exploring my relationship with my mother. I have reached to some quick conclusions but I do want to take some time to think about it.

I hope I was able to write a bit about the girl.

Waiting to hear from you,

Akansha

Dear @TeaK,

Thanks again. I have been travelling with my parents, therefore, the late reply. I just can’t believe how cathartic this post has been for me.

You are right, I have always been scared of sharing my deep self since I am worried people will break my trust.

THIS

Maybe he liked your old self: the cheerful, put-together, strong self, in whom he saw a mother figure. And he despised your needy and clingy self (the little girl inside of you), who came out of hiding because she thought she was safe with him. Once she came out, he’s hurt her badly. She tried to please him, to do everything to make him happy, so he would stay…

It’s like you read my mind. Although, being in a relationship means accepting all parts of the person. I accepted all parts of him. Am I wrong to think that in the right relationship the person will accept all of me? Or I will only find the right person when I am fully healed. I mean I know a lot of people I know who I think have childhood traumas but they are in happy relationships.

Every time I have talked to the therapist I have been told that people are meant to heal themselves and grow. But growth is a never-ending process. I feel confused. I have been changing, learning, growing and healing since I was 16. So when will this process end? Will it never stop? Also, does that mean that you only need people because you have unmet childhood needs, if not you will be happy alone?

I kinda know the answers I will get for these questions but it’s good to say (or write in this case) out loud.

Regards,

Akansha