As is often the case with marriages in trouble abs affairs…you have two separate issues you need to address (well, three actually).

1. Most pressing…are you happy and do you want to continue your marriage? If this is the case you need to stop the affair and concentrate on repairing the damage in your relationship. This will also require your husband to be honest and open. And you as well. I do not feel you need to “confess” your affair, however you do need to discuss all the feelings that led to it and deal with them. If you do not wish to do this or believe it will not work you need to leave your marriage. And I do not say that lightly.

2. Decide if the “other man” is someone you truly want to be in a relationship with or if he’s simply filling a void that your husband isn’t right now. Is he someone you’d pick if your emotional needs were met? Don’t leave your marriage and jump right into a new relationship based on neediness.

3. Most important…work on your internal “abandonment issues” and learn how to be happy with yourself and by yourself. If you never do this you’ll find yourself in positions where you’re begging another human to stay with you. This is never a good thing and rarely works out for anyone involved. There are great articles in this website to help you get started.

Hi JournoGirl,

I wouldn’t leave the marriage for the other man. I WOULD however leave the marriage whether there’s another man or not (if you would leave)! Don’t leave your DH unless you would do it anyway!

Yes, it IS possible there was another woman. HOWEVER, the fact that he is SO blasé about your heart is just horrible to me.

Find out what you can live with and what you can’t. Maybe your DH will be more of a friend than a husband. Maybe you are meant to just be travel companions, or maybe he is meant to just help support you. Some husbands are not built for romance, believe it or not! Maybe he would be the best of fathers. Who knows?

I know it’s wrong to say, but I’m GLAD the other man came along!

Blessings,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by Inky.

Hi JournoGirl,

First, sending you lots of love and strength. I can understand your state of mind; being at two places, as women we feel very guilty and at the same time it must be affecting your self-esteem a lot. Please keep a check on it, to not let it dip and rise up. You’re strong, beautiful and a wonderful person.

About your husband: It seems he has somebody else in his life, and he doesn’t have the courage to tell this to you (he will never have the courage to tell the truth to you). But, what YOU need to do next is IMPORTANT here, because your life and happiness is precious and valuable. So, you’ll have to take a call, muster the courage to ask for divorce and see if he agrees. (I’m sure he wants separation but wants to hear it from your mouth). You’ll have to take the effort to resolve the lives.

About your friend in relation: I would say gauge him for a while. Give it time because you’re not in the best of your spirits right now and vulnerable (when we are with low self-esteem we may unknowingly let anybody take undue advantage of being available). So, get on to your toes, be strong, figure out what you want from the next relation, put it across to him and don’t give in so easily, he must realize your worth. Try not to jump so quickly from one person to another, YOU have to provide the strength to yourself, try not to have it from others.

Sending Love & Light your way!

Do keep posting here…

Number one… U want to leave him for that guy..accept it.
U find ur needs hetter satisfied there…and now lookin at his background for suitable justification in the past.

Numeber two.. Your guy was unhappy due to his own unresolved issues..unachieved goals or self worth…and it generally made him feel unhappy..nw he is happy..and so things are fine.

Now see what u want..if u cn wotk and recreate old highs wid the first guy..go fr him coz u kno him better and he knows ur imperfections.

Number 3 second guy is ur necessary escape from gloom.. Attention and importance pulled u. Go deep and understand ur true feelings wid him..
Get a crude one word answer.

Take the choice.

Thanks.

Dear JournoGirl:

I re-read your original post and the last one. I will try to understand your situation as I type and please let me know if I am correct and where I am not:

You are married to a man, no children. You and your husband do not have physical intimacy and haven’t for many months (or longer?)- he is not interested. Before you got married he was not happy with you and haven’t been happy throughout the marriage, claiming the two of you are too different, that you annoy him and are bad with money, among other things. You begged him to stay with you again and again. There is a pattern in the marriage when he is loving (not physically) and kind and the two of you pretend that all is well, and then he explodes and tries to end the relationship.

You are having an affair with another man who loves you dearly and wants you to leave your husband and marry him.

You have no idea why your husband is unhappy with you, why he doesn’t want to have physical intimacy with you; you have no idea what bothers him and why he behaves the way he does, what motivates him and what troubles him.

In other words, you don’t know your husband. You know you have abandonment issues from your childhood and you hate it when your husband leaves.

Did I understand correctly?

anita

Dear JournoGirl:

Since I am correct in my understanding, then there is no victim and no villain in this relationship with your husband. You are both engaged in a destructive relationship, destructive to the two of you.

It is a possibility that he is with you not because he loves you, but because he feels guilty to leave you and stay away from you, because you beg him so much each time he leaves, because you express such great need for him. So he is with you, trying to make it work so not to feel guilty.

It is possible that you are pushing him each time to leave you so to re-create the abandonment situation, to re-create the situation when your father left your mother. And then you rush to “fix it” by getting him to come back. Then you feel some relief followed by anxiety, disquiet, and you push his buttons again, until he explodes and leaves and so the pattern repeats.

This might be the source of your attachment to your husband. If so, this relationship better end, and the sooner the better.

Whether I am correct here or not, this relationship is destructive to the two of you and each one of you is making it so. If I am correct, my advice to you is to set him free, let him go and stay gone from your life.

anita

hmmm…..so are you saying you want to have sex with your husband ? wondering why that physical/mental act is important while you are having a satisfying sex life with your lover.

I have made many mistakes I am not judging you–I have cheated and been cheated on in my past. Hopefully I learned somethings
If your lover knows you are not having sex with your husband and now you do–if I were him that would hurt me. You might sabotage that relationship that seems to give you joy.

You are going to make things so much more complicated–and possibly not get to make choices if you start having sex with both of them. Both of them could abandon you if all the truth came out.

If you were to get pregnant now–what about that poor child.

Quit begging your husband to stay with you–don’t guilt him into getting intimate with you. Live separately.

Double check some things about your lover–is he an alcoholic, drugger, owe child support. Has he ever been arrested? Does he have any history of abusing women. Is he gainfully employed? ARE YOU?

You need to move on with your life-but do it with your eyes open. Can you see yourself living without a man in your house? are you capable of having a home with just yourself? notice the house/home indication. do you feel like a whole person capable of having a home without a partner–as I call it a “party of one”—

I was so afraid to live without a partner loving me…..I had to grow and learn to enjoy my own company. Can you be proud without someone patting you on the back and saying “you did good” Can you tell yourself that, can you be a friend to yourself. By the way I am in a successful relationship now….but it took quite a few tries. Then I was alone for 3 years–didn’t date–got my head on straight, learned to love myself. Still have issues –But we are all a work in progress–or stuck in a rut. Life is constantly changing
Please take care of YOU, don’t wait for your husband to be kind to you–You be kind to you.

It would be wonderful if all worked out with your lover–but you need to work it out with you first. Other advice given here sounds good to me–work out your past–get excited for your future.

Honor your feelings–honor yourself
hugs

Seaisland