Hello Struggling. I have a lot of the same issues with my mother…although she doesn’t pull the “pity me” card.

She is a kind person, but is fundamentally selfish. For my own sanity I have had to distance myself both physically and emotionally. Recently I started doing EFT so I could get rid of some of the negative emotional blocks I have regarding my issues with her and I’m finding more peace.

I would suggest the following: 1. You can’t give what you don’t have so pretending won’t help. 2. Find a way to set some boundaries so you can give ONLY that which you are capable of giving; 3. It sounds like you all sort of enable her behavior so maybe think about whether this is really serving her or if you have all fallen into this trap; 4. How she treats your father is not your issue, your problem or your responsibility as he is a grown man.

Overall, just accept she is NOT the mother you want her to be. She will NEVER be the mother you want her to be. Do the best you can with what you have and what you can give.

I limit my time and my conversations with my mother. I am not at a point where I can trust her to really be there emotionally. But, she does the best she can and I have to accept that this is all she is capable of. It sucks. But, its life and if you keep trying to be somewhere you aren’t you’ll just keep being pissed at yourself. Forgive. Forgive her and forgive yourself. BUT….that doesn’t mean give her anything and everything that makes her feel comfortable. Figure out what you need to keep the relationship at a place where you can handle it. Trust me…I get it. I don’t want to feel the way I do toward my mother, but it is what it is and healing takes a long, long time and sometimes never comes. Good luck 🙂

Hi Choccoffeewine,

In our subconscious mind where Mythology resonates, there dwell The Perfect Beneficent Parents. Most of us try to live up to the Great Mother or Great Father Archetype. Your dad, for example, made a good attempt. Your mom didn’t even try. Now, we still have The Archetype that lives in us. And all we can do is forgive our bumbling, imperfect parents for fulfilling, say, 10% of it (they kept us alive after all).

I would stick to a schedule (say, visit her every month and call once a week. And answer texts and calls etc. after 5).

And I would also Throw Money At It.

When everyone calls you screaming, say, simply, “OK, I’ll call tomorrow and will see you next week!”

When your mom throws you a laundry list of chores, errands, etc., say, “I hired this local girl to do that for you.”

You are changing The Script. You are holding fast to your Boundaries. You are Managing everyone else’s Expectations.

This is The Gift your mother is actually giving you!

Blessings,

Inky

I’m not a therapist, but I have dealt with similar issues with my own mother. Given my experience, and what I read from you as well as other books on the subject, I believe your mother may be a victim of NPD- Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I’ll provide you with some resources at the end of this that I believe you may get some insight, if not help, about NPD. YOU ARE NOT ALONE in your struggle.
It’s not surprising to me that you describe yourself as a “people pleaser”- reformed one right here. But think about this: are a people pleaser because you genuinely want to be, or because you were taught to be by your mother’s demands and what you call “rage” when she doesn’t get her way? It is a question I asked myself one of the many times I went no contact with my own mother- typically after a fight, which, not surprisingly, never worked. You and your sister’s (and all the children) seem to be victims of your mothers (assumed) NPD. Her skipping your nephew’s graduation sounds like a way of keeping the attention on herself during what should be a time of celebration. Yes- even in her absence, she did something that would gain her some attention. Maybe even one of you went to check on her the same day that your nephew and the family was to be celebrating his success. By not showing up to his graduation, I believe your mother is sending a very clear message: I am to be the center of attention, and if something isn’t about me, I’ll do anything I can to make sure it becomes about me.
A few other examples I noticed from you send off red flags when looking for NPD: your mother being “ill” with chest pain while your sisters are on vacation, people in the family going to the grocery store for her when she seems capable going herself, even her letters about the way her husband’s failing health was affecting HER. These are all ways of keeping the attention on herself. You stated that your father always rushed to her side; I believe that is because he, like you, learned that the best way to deal with mom was to appease her. Enable her. Keep mom happy, and we’ll all be “happy” too. But I don’t believe you are happy, or you wouldn’t be here.
I sincerely hope this isn’t coming across as guilt-shaming- I myself have been the victim of the same situation for the past 30 years, the same amount of time you have, and have only recently gained the clarity to speak in honesty about what affected (and infected) every area of my life for the past 30 years. We are the exception, not the rule. From what I’ve read, some children of narcissistic parents don’t even realize that they were a victim of abuse until after the parent passes away. It’s all we’ve ever known- how can we doubt their love for us?
It is fairly common for daughters of narcissistic mothers to feel guilt for either not loving their mother enough, or not feeling like you’re doing enough for her. It’s the product of your upbringing- not anything you yourself have done. Read that again: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I’ve been doing the same for my mother for 30 years, and I completely understand your sense of loyalty to her. It is actually admirable in a family member. It’s only when that loyalty is not returned and in fact taken advantage of that it becomes a double-edged sword- hurting both you and the abuser. As a fellow traveler in this journey , I would encourage you to ask yourself “Is my time best served to my mother, who won’t ever get enough attention, or to my own family, who need and deserve wife/mother who is happy and at peace?”
It sounds like you and your sisters have formed a tripod in order to support your mother, a constantly shifting weight that you have to bend beneath to support. Your concern seems to be that if you don’t hold up your end anymore, the remaining weight will collapse on your sisters. It seems as though you think you have to continue to hold up your end for the sake of mom. But you don’t. Despite what you may think, it doesn’t benefit your mother for you or your sisters (or your families) to continue to keep someone from supporting themselves. You do not have to bear the weight of your mother’s problems, if you don’t want to. I felt as though I was pulling my end to support my mother for 30 years, and only very recently became aware of the abuse (yes, abuse) I was suffering and enabling, against my knowledge. The fact that I felt I was responsible for my mother’s (and everyone else’s) emotions was a problem in and of itself, one that I didn’t realize until I turned 30.
I would encourage you to look at http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com and/or http://www.luke173ministries.org. The first, especially, is a great site to hear about other daughters whose mothers suffer from the disease, and goes into depth on EFT, which user CLB mentioned in a previous response. Also, if you want to attempt to create boundaries between you and your mother, it can help with something called “Low Contact” or “No Contact”. I’ve recently put into play the one of these with my mother, and it took a long time (and a lot of struggle) to happen, but I have gained an insight and happiness that I never thought was possible. I no longer hear her voice telling me that I’m not good enough. All it means is that I can’t be good enough for her, and that’s because nobody can.
I’m not advocating LC or NC, but sharing my personal story. If you’d need someone to hear your struggle, know that I have been there, and you aren’t alone.

Dear Choccoffeewine:

The best line, for me, in your latest post is: “this cycle stops with me. I’m NOT passing it onto my children.”
I like that very much, oh how better the world will be if it was so for many other parents.

Your mother, like any other mother, was once a child and as a child she was deeply hurt. This is what I learned from my experience with my abusive mother: it is harmful for my mental health to continue to feel empathy for her. She deserves empathy, only not my empathy. She deserves, if she looks for it, for someone to help her understand what motivates her and how to go about her life in healthy ways- only I am the wrong person to attempt to be that for her.

And she deserves to be loved, only not by me.

The reason is that she hurt me and she did so personally, in person: it was a personal affair between her and me. When she attacked the little girl that I was, loving her unconditionally, needing her desperately, when she attacked that little girl again and again, that was personal.

This is why it can’t be me to love her, to try to understand her, to try to help her.

Our mothers, they are not just people for us. When we were children, they were part of us, automatically. There was no separate identity.

To heal from the mother’s abuse, a daughter has to leave that identity, that one unit of identity. To empathize, to try to love an abusive mother is to stay in that unit.

anita

Dear Choccoffeewine:

You are welcome. How do you leave that identity? By not engaging in feeling empathy for your mother, by not trying to feel love for her; by not believing it is a virtue or a desired thing to feel empathy to a person who mistreats you.

Instead of focusing on her, focus on you. Instead of feeling empathy for her, feel empathy for you.

anita