Hi Anita,

Hope you’ve been well.

I noticed, I have been quite frustrated recently whenever those thoughts come to my mind and i catch myself talking to myself saying “Please, not again, im tired of this”. The hardest part for me is drawing the line between ruminating and suppressing my feelings.

As much as I would love to accept the reality, I’ve been in this internal back and forth of wanting her back and it has been exhausting hahaha. Some days when I feel like I’ve made a breakthrough, the following day I just feel like complete crap. More noticeably, I notice myself feeling like “Moving on and dating other women feels like i’m cheating on her.” I feel so uncomfortable and partially disgusted for “cheating” and have to tell myself otherwise.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Q

I’m trying to think back to my childhood but i don’t think I have that guilt in my childhood.

It feels like cheating on her because it’s weird looking at other women with romantic intentions. I know it’s silly and I’m trying to slowly overcome this internally. A part of me also feels like “what if she comes back? then this would look like betrayal”.

Yup those are my thoughts!

Q

Hello!

Thanks for reminding me. I went back to re-read everything and I cringed hahaha. I’m feeling a lot better now, way more confident and I can feel like I’m recovering well now.

“Later on, you shared that the two of you broke up in July and that you didn’t speak since the breakup.” A few posts ago, I wrote that I did reach out and expressed my interest in working things out. However, the response wasn’t particularly warm and at best in my most delusional state it was lukewarm hahaha. Anyway, I did make the mistake of trying to connect and chat over text. In hindsight, I should have just left her alone after expressing my interest but I think that’s life I have to make these kind of dumb mistakes and feel the consequences before I fully internalize it.

“What if you contact her and ask her if it’s truly over, as far as she is concerned.. if there’s any chance of getting back together..?” So I won’t be doing that because that will only put her on the spot and very very likely push her away. That’s kinda like relying on someone to give you closure when closure is something you should seek yourself. I’m living by “Why would I want someone who doesn’t want me? That’s so icky.”

Although I must admit, the desire to reach out comes and goes in strong intensity and it requires a lot of patience and discipline to not act on it. Maybe this whole relationship was really just a lesson for me for the next one. Life is strange.

Q