Dear jayorts:

Obviously, clearly, you need to no longer contact him and you need to no longer contact anyone so to talk about him. What did you learn in counseling about your behavior regarding this man.. have you been diagnosed with … maybe Borderline Personality Disorder or the like?

anita

Hi jayorts,

It’s interesting to me that you initially didn’t see him a lot in the beginning on purpose and he was the one to get upset with that. I do that too with people who I think the world of. Take consolation that at one point he DID like you a lot.

The other thing, the white lie about the age. My DH omitted his true age to me. Rather than getting upset and using THAT as an excuse to dump him, I got miffed, but eventually married him. My point is do you think it’s possible that he already wanted to break up with you and used the white lie as an Issue of Choice for him to do it?

As for you being demon possessed… Dude, you dragged him out of the closet to his whole world before he was ready. For you to rage against his friends and family like that, wow! I picked up a definite “Who Do You Think You Are” vibe to the 10th/ degree! It’s like you wanted to be dominant in the relationship and he triggered your inner wolf.

Lastly, what you are doing is stalking. When I was younger I had a stalker. The only reason I don’t have him anymore is because I think he died. It was that bad. The worst thing about it was he would wait until you’d breathe a sigh of relief and relax, live your life, and not think about him and BAM! Six months later a letter would show up. Then BAM! Eight months later a phone call. Then your friends would say three months later they ran into him on vacation and he was asking about you. This went on for 10x longer than the actual relationship.

It’s unnerving, disturbing and cruel to have someone on the periphery of your life you don’t want. Like you’re not giving him a choice, you WILL be in his life somehow whether he wants it or not. You are rejecting his rejection. Don’t you know that the more you try to contact the person, the more they are repelled?

Seriously if you just raged towards one friend and contacted him once after the breakup, I would advise waiting five or ten more years and then apologize again. But it’s way, way too late for that now.

Pretend he is dead (his younger self that was with you is anyway). Have a little ritual. Grieve. Then move on.

Blessings,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Inky.

Dear jayorts:

I didn’t take a shot at you; this is not what I do here. In writing a woman “Still obsessed” I was referring to the title of your thread: “Still in love.”

My suggestion was and is that the word Obsessed is more accurate than love to characterize your draw to this man.
And this is why I suggested you do the Loving thing and leave him alone.

anita

Dear jayorts:

Your loving feeling for this man feels authentic to you, yet to love someone means more than just the feeling. It means acting for the loved one’s benefit. This man doesn’t want you to contact him, for years. He is probably afraid and has suffered a whole lot from your harassment of him.

It will be to his benefit that you respect his assertion. Act lovingly to him by leaving him alone. Love him this way (leaving him alone) for the rest of your life. Never again contact him- love him that way.

anita

Dear jayorts:

An idiot you were, but no more. That is a good, good thing. In my life, I wasted years and decades of life in what I used to call my own idiocy or such unflattering words. Now I say to myself: I wasted all these years because I was injured, and I was unwell, hurting and bleeding, so to speak. Self empathy- apply that. It is a game changer, really.

anita

Dear jayorts:

You are welcome. If posting here helps strengthen you please do post here anytime and I will reply.

anita