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Starting Over after leaving a toxic relationship

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  • #70952
    Alyssa
    Participant

    I have a history of always being the one to leave a relationship. In retrospect, I entered relationships based on something I was looking for, whether it was to be saved, to save someone else or because I was made all of the right promises….

    I just ended a five year relationship. I was on the other side of the country and decided to buy a bus ticket, to get out. Before I left, I felt the best that I had in a long time. Everything seemed clear. I took back my control over my own life, felt like I knew exactly who I am and what I wanted. I knew/know that I need to put myself first and stand on my own two feet.

    We met while we were both in other relationships. We bonded over the dysfunction we found ourselves in. It took me four and half years to realize that I was actually in a toxic relationship. He lied, cheated, manipulated, humiliated me, forced himself on me sexually, never listened to anything I had to say, told me that our problems were my own, and I took care of him.

    I am still trying to get back on my feet. Emotionally, financially, and mentally. Since I have been home, I started hanging out with a friend. He knows everything that happened and Know’s my ex. We have talked about both of our pasts, who we are, what we want, and I’ve honestly fell for him. I have asked for distance, recently. He has never pressured anything and only been kind, sweet, sincere, and supportive. I feel like I keep taking emotional steps back. I have moments of feeling like “I got this” and positive about everything. Then, there are moments of feeling lost, in so much pain, overwhelmed, and like I am jumping out of my own skin. These feelings are becoming more regular. I consider myself to be a pretty emotionally aware person. I recognize the start or source of my horrible relationship history – daddy issues. I have made every attempt to not repeat history, after a break-up. Such as, going to a bar, numbing myself, jumping into another relationship, depending on family to save me. I have issues being in the moment, I over analyze everything, issues trusting my intuition (now), self-esteem, and worry about the future. I normally consider myself to be free spirited, spontaneous, open, an empath, spiritual, and like knowing that I don’t have control over anything. I feel emotionally stuck these days… Maybe I am just trying to rush past things… to feel like myself, again.

    #70967
    Yue
    Participant

    Sometimes when we encounter painful situations, we do our best to distract ourselves to ease the pain like alcohol, gambling or another relationship. The trouble is, once that distraction is gone, we are in a worst position than before because now we have to deal with the crutch as well as the initial problem. Since most of what you wrote focus on relationship, my question is how are the other aspects of your life at the moment? Are you in a career that you are happy with? Do you have a hobby you enjoy that helps you ease the stress of everyday life? Do you have a group of friend that you can confide in that aren’t potential relationship partners?

    #70968
    Alyssa
    Participant

    Hi Yue,
    I am literally starting over. Living at a friend’s, until I am able to get my own place. I came back right before Christmas. I am still job hunting, don’t have a car, getting low on funds. I write a lot, read, draw, and crochet. I am living with my best friend, so I do have someone to talk to. However, certain friends have different connections. My best friend is someone i can laugh with and is always there to listen to me, hug, and dance with. The deep emotional perspectives usually come from me, for her.
    I moved home from California, where I lived downtown, walked everywhere, and was constantly outside. I think I am having a hard time adjusting to winter and living in the middle of nowhere.

    #70996
    Carmen
    Participant

    Hi Alyssa,

    I am in the exact same shoe as you. I left a toxic relationship full of lies manipulation and humiliation. He would put me down then come back to say I’m the one who THINKS he put me down. He cheated on me during his trips with other girls and come back to make me pamper him as if i’m his maid. It’s my first relationship so I didn’t know when to move on. I let that happen to me again and again and each time I cried myself out because he made it seem like it’s my job to do that and stay quiet or else I’m the one “worrying too much”. Now I feel bad because I lost a lot of weight, burnt my tear gland and causes my skin to wrinkle up around my eyes. I was happy i was out of this relationship though but the crying and losing weight has caused many other health issues like hormone imbalance, tired easily, dry eyes and skin. It’s certainly the worst thing in my life to have treated myself this way or have let others to treat myself this way. I still experience a lot of guilt whenever i see the change in myself. It’s like some post self harm feeling.I am trying to hang out and talk to people BEFORE meeting him. get back to the lifestyle i had before he appeared in my life and i found that helpful. I was becoming myself again, motivated, happy, hopeful and career focused. Sometimes i just had to pretend that the last two years never happened and emotionally I’ll feel all good again. I read in another thread here that you need to learn how to love yourself and moving away from him you have done something great to yourself already so just keep doing it. I was actually living in another country just for him and leaving that country when the relationship was over was the best thing i did to myself. I talked a lot too with my guy friends and i was very vulnerable for a rebound period but i made sure i kept distance. You’ll make it out one day, because we all did. and when that happens you will realize that all those tears and emotional pain you suffer is just not worth it at all SO the sooner you drop it, the better. Think of it as he was just some enemy of yours. So don’t let someone who wants to ruin you to affect you so much anymore 🙂 at least that’s what i’m trying to convince myself.

    #71020
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Alyssa,

    I would stay single on purpose. This is the opposite of what everyone else seems to be doing. This year, purposefully stay single. Then when you are “You” again, start dating. You do have to build up your inner core, your inner strength, and your own identity.

    I’m so glad you have a best friend who is letting you stay with her!

    #71141
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Alyssa,

    I must say I admire you conviction of making that decision, even though you know that you have to start over again. When we hit rock bottom, we either choose to stay in it because it’s a comfortable disaster, go even further down the slide or say “you know what, I’m sick of this crap” and walk. To be able to make that last choice demonstrates that you are aware of your self worth and have the courage to venture into the great unknown despite the forces set against you. The first step is the hardest to take in any change and it’s something to be proud of.

    You mentioned that you tend to over analyse things and I’ve got to admit that I do quite a bit of this myself. The thing I try to remember is that though it’s rational to think things through, over analysing things usually lead to a lot of self doubt and self judgement that ends up drowning out the sound of intuition. Another reason why some people over analyse situations is to maintain a sense of control, in that we belief that if we think about it enough, we can make it work. That again, is a fallacy because there are situations that no matter what you do, it is not going to work because of factors outside of your control.

    So what to do? The one thing that I find helpful in avoiding the over analysing trap is to be present and live in the moment instead of worrying the past or the future. For example, if I am writing a job application, I will allocate a time and put everything into it but once it’s done, it will be out of my mind until I get a call for an interview. A lot of what you do like drawing and writing are great ways to do this and when I find that I am “in my head” while walking or doing something else, I take a deep breath and come back into the present. It requires practice and constant vigilance at the begining but it gets easier over time.

    #71193
    Sarah
    Participant

    Hi Alyssa! I think you are so brave and strong for getting out of that toxic relationship and making that move back to your home, as hard as it is for you. I agree with Inky that I think you should stay single for a while – lean on friends (try to make new friends when you are feeling better), learn to love yourself again and believe in the inner-strength that you have (and have shown). You will get through this and make a new start for yourself – it is an opportunity to embrace and re-create and rediscover yourself now that you are apart from the toxicity. I hope you can find work to help keep you afloat financially until you know what it is you want to do for your next step.

    Also – please be kind to yourself in that you may be experiencing some depression and post-trauma from your relationship ending – you have a lot to come to terms with now that you are separated from the situation in which you spent your life in for the past 5 years. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help if you find the moments of pain and overwhelming too much. When my marriage ended at 25, I became ‘severely’ depressed due to the changes I found my life in, starting again etc. So be kind to yourself and remember it’s okay – you’re doing the best you can at the moment. I wish you all the best x

    “Remember how far you have come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be”.

    “BREATHE. It’s Okay. You’re going to be okay. Just breathe. Breathe, and remind yourself of all the times in your life you felt this overwhelmed. All of the times you felt this level of pain. And remind yourself how much each time, you MADE IT THROUGH. Life has thrown so much at you, and despite how difficult things have been, you’ve survived. Breathe and trust that you can survive this too. Trust that this struggle is a part of the process. and that as long as you don’t give up and keep pushing forward, no matter how hopeless things seem, you will make it.”

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Sarah.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Sarah.
    #71213
    Alyssa
    Participant

    Hi Cameron,
    Thanks for sharing your experience. I am sorry that you also dealt with such a toxic person. I have been reading a lot about others experiences with leaving a toxic person. Some of the things that stuck out to me – The relationship wasn’t real. Everything that was projected onto us by the other person, was about them. Their own self-hatred, guilt for their dishonesty (He may have been seeking comfort for cheating on you when he asked for you to pamper him)… although, we were ourselves in the relationship (with our capacity to care for someone else), the people that we were with were very selfish and used it to get out of what they emotionally needed. No one deserves to be treated this way. The guilt is their own and not ours to carry. It still hurts to allow someone into your world and have them misuse it. I think we need to figure out why we allowed ourselves to be treated this way, in order to learn from it but not stay in that mental space too long. It’s okay for us to feel hurt, angry, sad, and a little lost… we just need to learn to adjust and deal with these feelings in a positive way. I started meditating to deal with feeling overwhelmed. Since, I just started its been kind of frustrating. haha. but it’s helping me feel less chaotic. Best of luck on your emotional journey. I think this will make us stronger! 🙂

    Hi Inky,
    I think and know that you are right but it’s not easy. haha. I am like taking care of others and I am use to having a man to take care. Anything that I continue with right now will not be real because of my need to find balance. Just sucks to find someone who wants the same things out of life, that I could see myself being happy with, and who is genuinely an awesome human being… when the timing is wrong.

    Hi Yue,
    Thank you for the kind words 🙂 You are right about the over thinking leading to self-doubt. I was trying to figure out how I allowed someone to treat me badly and why it took me so long to realize what was actually happening. I started thinking about my past. My toxic relationship with my father and then the pattern in relationships that followed. I felt ashamed of allowing the betrayal of a parent have such control and impact on my life. Verbally abusing myself and disconnecting emotionally from those around me. It caused my heart and mind to race. I usually need time to process emotions but it spiraled pretty far this time. I wrote about it and leaned on my best friend. I am feeling better and calmer now. I also, feel like I am better equipped for next time I possibly start feeling bad. I completely agree about needing to be present. I feel like this has been something I have struggled with for a while. I have a habit of daydreaming and of putting my mind on something else in situations that I don’t like, agree with, feel unable to openly express myself, etc. Breathing has been working. Thank you for your advice. (:

    Hi Sarah,
    thank you for your support. A lot of things that I previously believe about myself or that I thought were truths, which were really my ex’s issues or things that he repeatedly told me… they have been coming to light. Which has been good but shocking… It has also been mind blowing, at times. haha. I am feeling more positive right now. Laughing more, reverse negative thought patterns/kind to myself (being self deprecating, a bit)… thank you! x

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