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- This topic has 10 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 1 month ago by
Tee.
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July 17, 2021 at 5:34 am #382995
AnonymousGuestDear kleineBlumeallaine:
Welcome back. You shared that in the beginning of your 6-year “happy relationship” with your current boyfriend, you sat in a pub, not with your boyfriend, but with a married man with kids. Some time later, you and this married man “ended up drinking a lot” and he kissed you twice. You were in touch with him over time, and he kept telling you that he had feelings for you (“He kept telling me how he always felt like this”).
During the Covid lockdown you were very sick and you felt hurt that “he sometimes disappeared” while you were sick. After the lockdown you met him and expressed to him how upset you were with him for having disappeared. He then told you again that he has feelings for you (“he started to tell me again that he will never forget me and cant get over it and only if he could just hold me in his arms”), but later, “again he disappeared”.
Next, I will quote you and add my comments: “I am kinda feeling very bad about this. First it looks to me as if I were cheating on my boyfriend emotionally”-I agree.
“Secondly, its a lot of years passed on, I don’t want to do any damage to anyone (I actually wanted to meet him up now to tell him to work on his relationship at home”- I don’t think that it’s your place to tell the married man to work on his marriage. I don’t think that it is appropriate for you to meet with him again for any reason.
“I’m out, in no matter what set up”-then don’t meet him again and have no communication with him otherwise.
“Thirdly, funnily, I do feel kind of rejected as I invested a lot of time with this person just so he can disappear and dismiss all my questions”- you invested your emotions in an emotional affair (+ a couple of kisses and whatnot) with a married man with children, and you are feeling hurt by him having stopped communicating with you/ disappearing. Did I understand your situation correctly?
“I cant really talk about this to anyone which makes the whole thing even harder, as I am super embarrassed, feeling guilty, and weak”- when you say that you are feeling “weak”, do you mean any of the following: that you keep thinking about this married man, missing him, wanting him to contact you and tell you that he didn’t disappear because he forgot about you, that he will never forget about you, and that he can’t get over you?
anita
July 17, 2021 at 6:42 am #382996
kleineBlumealleineParticipantDear Anita,
thank you so much for your quick reply and for the advice on what to do, i did think as well not even meeting him or explaining him would be the best as it cant come anything good from this and also he tends to be in person getting upset quickly and telling me its my fault he is unhappy. i just didnt want to be a cold person. but knowing all of it i already deleted all his contact information last week.i will certainly take your advice on this.
Couples of kisses and what not: only that two, i am not the type of person for this and thats definitely not the type of person i want to turn into.
feeling “weak”: no, thats not really what i meant. every time he disappears i feel i can finally breath and go on with my life and i can fully concentrate on what i would like to achieve. i am definitely not daydreaming hoping he would come along and choose me. i dont believe in any “love” like this: for me its clear that this is not love and that this is unhealthy and that it can not end well.
i meant by “weak” i kept going along with this, putting up boundaries , but still, even if i knew from the start its wrong and i do feel sorry for this person (and feeling a bit manipulated) every time he keeps telling me its my fault, that he is unhappy. i wish i could go back in time and just never met him up in the first place. but its too late for that.
July 17, 2021 at 7:50 am #382999AnonymousGuestDear kleineBlumealleine:
You are welcome. “he tends to be in person getting upset quickly and telling me its my fault he is unhappy… he keeps telling me it’s my fault”-
– Meaning, he thinks, or wants you to think, that you caused his unhappiness. Did he tell what it is that you said or did (or failed to say and do) that caused his unhappiness?
anita
July 17, 2021 at 8:31 am #383001kleineBlumealleineParticipantDear Anita,
no, he always just says it in general, like
”im a broken man because of you”
”i cant sleep because of the situation”
”last time you didnt talk to me i was so depressed they wanted me to be admitted to the hospital because i almost killed myself”
or he says
”you know exactly what could make me very very happy”
honestly i know its not my fault but as i listened to this for a while i sometimes already tend to believe it.
July 17, 2021 at 9:09 am #383003AnonymousGuestDear kleineBlumealleine:
In your message before last, you wrote that you were “feeling a bit manipulated” by this man. I think that he has manipulated you a lot, not just a bit. There is a lot of manipulation in telling you: “last time you didnt talk to me I was so depressed, they wanted me to be admitted to the hospital because I almost killed myself”.
From what you shared, I don’t see any basis in reality for you to feel guilty in regard to this man. Your feeling of guilt in regard to him probably extends from your feeling of guilt regarding your parents. You shared in May 31 this year that your parents pushed you “into this role of the unthankful, cold child.. I feel guilty: it is somehow tempting to believe they are right and I just have to fix myself to have a loving family”.
You wrote back then: “Luckily I am in a good place: I have a loving boyfriend (5years), good friends, a home and a steady job”, but the guilt carried on, and this married man triggers it. Is my understanding correct?
anita
July 17, 2021 at 9:25 am #383004kleineBlumealleineParticipantDear Anita,
thank you for your thoughts on this.
Yes, thats sounds very much on point, while i read your answer i actually started to cry.
irregardless, that doesnt excuse me to going along with being in contact him, i hope a lot it is my learning process (first family, then him) to actually realize these situations (but not just pure victim but also taking responsibility) , to have finally enough energy to stop it and to move on towards something better/bettering myself.
July 17, 2021 at 10:18 am #383009AnonymousGuestDear kleineBlumealleine:
You are welcome. I like your attitude: taking personal responsibility where and when it is warranted, and being motivated to better yourself. I am motivated by the same. To better yourself- try to not take responsibility for what you are not responsible for, such as this man’s unhappiness and your parents’ emotions and behaviors!
And post again anytime you want to.
anita
July 17, 2021 at 11:01 pm #383025
TeeParticipantDear kleineBlumealleine,
I agree that this man tried to make you feel guilty for something you’re not responsible for, and you felt responsible for it and even tried to help him, not realizing he is using you to care for his emotional needs. I don’t think it was an emotional affair because it was one-sided: it was just him complaining about his marriage and telling you he was unhappy, while you didn’t complain about your relationship nor sought to get your emotional needs met by him rather than your boyfriend, did you?
It seems to me you were a listening ear to him and have stayed for too long in this “friendship” because you felt guilty for cutting him off. And this, as anita said, is related to your childhood and your parents accusing you of “holding grudges” when you were rightfully upset with them for treating you badly.
Here too, you should be rightfully upset for this man harassing you and making advances on you, and instead of trying to understand him and help him, should stop all contact.
irregardless, that doesnt excuse me to going along with being in contact him, i hope a lot it is my learning process (first family, then him) to actually realize these situations (but not just pure victim but also taking responsibility) , to have finally enough energy to stop it and to move on towards something better/bettering myself.
It’s great you’re realizing it’s related to your childhood and that you have the right to stop it – to not feel guilty for setting boundaries and protecting yourself from toxic people. That’s how you won’t be a victim any more, but more in charge of your life…
July 18, 2021 at 12:39 am #383027kleineBlumealleineParticipantDear TeaK,
thank you for your answer!
yes, that’s true i never complained to this man) or anyone else) about my boyfriend- there is really nothing to complain about, my boyfriend is one of the best people i met and he loves me very much every day.
thank you for your advice as well, i am definitely not staying friends with this man. additionally to all of the above, last time when i wanted to go home early, i stood up and he used force to keep me seated. that scared me a lot.
have a nice sunday and thank you both of you for helping me out! so great to know i can just post here my thoughts.
July 18, 2021 at 2:30 am #383028TeeParticipantDear kleineBlumealleine,
you’re very welcome. The fact that he forced you sit down and stay in his company is just one more sign, and a strong one, that you should stop friendship with him and free yourself from his emotional abuse.
Have a nice Sunday yourself and post whenever you feel like it. All the best to you!
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