So I just turned 34 in November and although I had no issues with turning 30, it feels like I’m now having an early mid life crisis that I can’t get out of. I’m suicidal and I’ve been to see the GP, but all they could do was stick me on a waiting list to see a therapist for a few hours of counselling (which I seriously doubt is enough to fix all of the problems causing the depression). So I’m leaving this here for any random strangers to have a go publicly!

Issue 1: I was bullied violently as a child throughout junior school by both a group of classmates and one of the teachers who took a dislike to me. I was a weird, nerdy, socially-inept kid and had no idea how to interact with people, so I was a walking target for abuse and got it. It’s left permanent scars and I hate the way I look now. I think it’s called body dysphoria, as I logically know I’m not the worst looking person in the world but really feel like I am. I come from a family of very good looking women (lots of media types that look like models) and I am compared to them constantly. So I have never managed to get over this. I have zero self esteem.

Issue 2: My father was/is a narcissist and bully to both my mother and me (as I remind him of his own mother who left). He destroyed what little confidence I had left by my early teens, was angry, aggressive, insulting and a control freak who completely warped my idea of what a ‘normal’ relationship should be. He has no barriers and told me when I was 17 that he wished he hadn’t had kids as he would have had a better life and constantly shared horrible detailed things about his sex life and then lack of sex life with my mother that still makes me feel sick to this day. He pressured me into getting into debt in my early 20s, then when I was nearing bankruptcy during the recession he demanded I pay off his holiday home rather than my own debts. He’s then spent the last decade complaining and mocking me for having no life. Everything he does wrong is my fault. Even if I had no idea about the event, it’s still somehow my fault. He has a conversation with someone and forgets what they said… it’s my fault for not reminding him. It doesn’t matter that I wasn’t there. I ‘m supposed to be his PA, even if I’m working full time and have my own things to remember. My mother is a very weak, lazy and scatterbrained woman who simply brushes off or ignores issues as she dislikes conflict. She just eats, watches TV and hangs around the garden all day. If anyone gets mad or criticises anything, she gets upset. She lives in a fantasy world and has never been able to give me advice on anything as she doesn’t work or experience normal life, so I consider her more a distant aunt than a mother.

Issue 3: Due to the above, I ran off with a 40 year old man when I was 14. My parents didn’t once question why a 40 year old man they had known for only a few days was happy to let their kid live with him. They just waved me off. He became a surrogate father figure for a couple of years in return for sex. It was incredibly messed up in hindsight, but probably the closest thing to a normal and caring relationship I’ve ever experienced as he was affectionate, never insulted or hit me, demanded nothing and actually listened and gave me practical advice. I still struggle to view it as ‘rape’, despite being told it was. It ended when I turned 17 and someone he worked with discovered what was happening and I had to move back home. When I returned to my parents’ house, a 30 year old man was coming over on evenings/weekends and shagging my 14 year old sister in the room next to me. Again, my parents made no move to stop it. He’d walk past me in the kitchen in the mornings grinning and if I started a row over it, my protests were brushed off with excuses. I had to act as though it was completely normal.

Issue 4: I have zero friends to act as a support network to make up for my dysfunctional family. Growing up, women have bullied or ignored me and men have used me for sex or just treated me badly. So I have zero trust towards other humans. I have no idea how to even go about making friends. These days I don’t seem to have anything in common with women anyway. When I was younger I was attractive enough that I could at least get boyfriends in order to have someone to hang out with and ask for feedback. Now all the men my age are taken and I have no interest in one night stands or affairs, so I’m isolated.

Issue 5: I managed to get good grades and a degree, but have never held down a job for long enough to progress past minimum wage. I get panic attacks or screw up socially with colleagues, or my lack of short term memory, focus or multi-tasking skills makes the job impossible for me to do, and either I’m asked to leave or I panic and quit. I can’t act ‘normal’ for long enough to get anywhere. Then getting a new job takes months/years as I’m terrible at applying/interviewing and struggle to change my routine again. My career is a patchy mess of short lived jobs all over the place.

Issue 6: Every time I’ve tried to escape my parents’ home, I’ve had to rely on a relationship with some man in order to afford a place to live. There are very few jobs where I live and I struggle with commuting as my short term memory and organisation skills are shot to bits (I have to get up seriously early in the morning if I need to be ready to leave by a set time, which requires surviving on little to no sleep, which makes me very sick after a few weeks as my stomach gets messed up and my family don’t let me catch up on sleep when I’m not working). I’m terrible at driving, as I have no focus. I’ve been in multiple accidents while learning to drive over the years and finally got my licence after 17 years of lessons but have never used it as I’m terrified. So that leaves me with dating and staying with someone near a job. I can’t live by myself or with total strangers, as I freak out or forget things like eating or washing. I can’t sleep in a house with people I don’t know very well, even when I’ve kept a knife next to my bed and the door locked. I don’t trust people not to hurt me, so can never relax if there are strangers in my house. But I can’t afford to rent somewhere by myself.

Issue 7: I’m in a constant state of panic, paranoia and/or suicidal rage, so I have to prioritise the important stuff like remembering my job over things like a normal diet in order to stay employed. I can’t focus on more than one thing at a time. Either my job is great or my diet is great or my relationship is great or something else. If I switch my focus to something else, every other area of my life falls apart. Right now I’ve had to focus on my health as I ended up in hospital last year, which means I went crazy on a strict diet and exercise regime and lost my last job as a result of being completely distracted. So I’m unemployed yet again.

Issue 8: My family constantly humiliate and panic me over my lack of friends, hobbies/social life, job, partner, life… My sister is very attractive and managed to find a husband, despite what happened to her, and I am the weirdo loser who is just getting old alone now. They all have far more money than me as I can’t keep a job, and they expect me to pay to join in with expensive social events, presents, holidays, etc. I moved back home after my last relationship and job ended and a suicide attempt cut me off from everyone else I knew, and my parents have just spent the whole time pressuring me to get a job any job so I can give them money for more holidays with their mates and get a nicer car. They also keep asking when I’ll move out, despite me giving them close to £20k over the last few years that would have been the money for a deposit. I try not to panic over how broke I am, but they keep complaining that their wealthy lifestyle isn’t good enough, which makes me stress even more as I don’t have one tenth of what they have.

Issue 9: I’ve always been depressed, but recently I have been in a constant state of suicidal panic. It’s not regular depression, but an extreme sense of fear and confusion about everything. It’s like a choking weight on me that never goes away and fills my head with what feels like mud. I wake up in the middle of the night with what feels like a heart attack and my teeth are ruined where I grind them all the time without meaning to. I can’t think straight any more and where I used to be able to speak clearly and write cover letters and CVs, now I can barely think straight to brush my teeth and get out of bed. So I now lack the remaining skills I had to get out of this mess. I randomly cry at nothing all the time and barely leave my room now as I know it will be yet another thing for them to use against me. On the odd occasion I do go downstairs and bump into anyone, they just demand to know whether I have a job yet and when I going to get my own house and leave. They invite people over all the time and will make these comments/questions in front of them to humiliate me even more.

There are a whole list of other things, but those are the main ones that are now spiralling out of control. I went to the GP and explained I was suicidal but he offered me the option of A&E (pretty sure it would involve sectioning, which would be far worse than the situation I’m in already) or this waiting list to see a therapist for a few hours. He gave me a card to call someone, but I really struggle to talk on the phone so that wouldn’t help.

People of the internet… any f****ng ideas are welcome at this point! I’ve never been a stupid person, but I seriously don’t know how to get out of this any more. I’m in my mid 30s and feel as though I haven’t been allowed to start my adult life yet. Everyone is getting on with things and settling down with kids and homes and I’m going backwards.