Hello anita, thank you for answering so quickly.

Yes, learning the language (German, to be precise) was my goal for probably the first year of living here, until I hit a bump in my path. I couldn’t do much else alone. Courses are really expensive (not including books, materials and the transport, since I live on the land side), not to mention I tried one for half a year and it was literally useless. I really can’t get over the fear of embarrassment, though. I should have specified, but I live in Switzerland, so people already look weird at you if you don’t speak the local dialect. Mistakes on top of that would just make me faint from anxiety (sorry for the exaggeration, it feels like that, though 🙁 ). I tried reading books aloud to get used to my own voice, I tried keeping a journal in German, but the fear is always there, and right now I am afraid to even try again.

On top of this, unfortunately, I didn’t graduate back at home so I have no degree, no experience, very little chances for a job (no kidding, I applied once to be a cleaning assistance in a super market, it was supposed to be before it opens and after it closes, and they asked for certification, at which point I just gave up). I suppose many young people deal with this, too…

Regarding “daddy issues”… I thankfully never felt anger or resentment towards the situation, or my father, but until recently I felt like something was taken away from me, the chance to grow up more.. balanced, so to speak. My mother tried her best (she never remarried or had a boyfriend), but looking back over the years of my childhood there was definitely a lack of masculine presence, and I suppose that is a major reason why I am so, shall I say, rootless. No goals or ambitions.. Though I’m trying not to use this as an excuse. Years of anxiety have eroded whatever there was of my confidence/willpower even more. Now I am just confused. I don’t feel like a baby or a child (although many times this is how I described myself), just deeply confused. I don’t know how do other people learn to be brave and face their own failures and drawbacks. My boyfriend grew up with a mother who wasn’t fully there as she should have been, and then she went away after his parents divorced. He grew up with his father, and he has none of the problems I do, which just makes me think I’ll never be able to fill this whole that has just been growing since my childhood years.

I don’t know how to do what I have to do (learn, grow as a person, do my daily chores, go out and be brave, not to even mention enjoy life), while anxiety makes my knees feel like noodles.

Thank you for reading my concerns.

Hello again anita

Yes, he does, and it was tough in the beginning, but we’re learning every day a bit more about each other. I want us to grow together, but some things he can’t help me with, so here I am.. 🙂

I’m glad you somewhat understand me. I still feel like a stranger here. I don’t think I have found my place yet. I come from Eastern Europe and here in the West everything seems so.. busy and artificial somehow. Some days I really don’t know how to cope with homesickness.

But how can I do that when I feel afraid of sooo many things? It feels like it will take me my entire life. I might be young but I’m already so tired. Sometimes, when I recover after a particularly bad period, I tell myself, I just have to keep going, one day after another, but still, nothing really changes. When I finally build a bit of confidence that I can do it, something happens, and anxiety creeps back up and I’m back at square one. How many times can someone start on the same journey? I’m probably doing something wrong, but I can’t “see” myself well enough to figure out what exactly. I will try to slow down even more and put any expectations away, I guess..

Good night (or day!), and thank you.

Dear Prash,

Thank you for your recommendations, I will definitely search for those books!

Dear anita,

So the essence is, expect it, accept it and stay with it… Sounds easier than it is. But you’ve put things in a different perspective and I really needed that. Until now I always thought I’m at square one no matter what I do, as long as anxiety is there, I failed and I’ll never get better etc, but it’s not like that.

By your metaphor here, I never go back to square one, since I always just bite through it even if I feel like fainting. Thank you, your words made me feel better 🙂 I will try to always think about it like that (it’ll probably help with my general negativity too).

I hope I can be strong enough to not stop persisting. Thank you again. I wish I could hug you for this 🙂