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  • #157294
    limbikanimaria
    Participant

    I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for almost two years now. As a side note, I’m working towards recovery from an eating disorder and trying to work on my insecurities and self esteem issues. At the very beginning of our relationship I told him that I was triggered by boyfriends “liking” pictures of other females when the picture is an attractive selfie, bikini photo, etc., so he said he wouldn’t “like” photos like that. We broke up for a few months and started dating again in April. I know my behavior stems from me being insecure, but recently I was stalking his instagram and saw that he “liked” bikini photos and attractive selfies of other females when we first started dating again in April of this year. I confronted him about it and he said that he didn’t know if we were actually together or not during that time. I’ve been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and let go of him “liking” the photos. However, it has been eating at me that he is following 800+ people on Instagram, including everyone he went to high school with, a bunch of random girls, and girls he followed when he was using tinder. I don’t use social media (I have an account just to stalk him once in a while, which I know is insecure and unnecessary), but I don’t think it’s necessary to be following all of these people. I perceive it as a way for him to stay connected to all of these girls who he could of potentially dated, and he gets a constant feed of their pictures. I suggested that it might help if he unfollowed some of these people, but he got angry and said that he doesn’t want “parental controls” on what he follows and perceived me as being controlling. I know my behavior is extremely insecure and I need to work on it, but I really don’t think it should be a big deal to unfollow these random girls who he only followed because of tinder. I want to not be so incredibly insecure and just let this go, but I can’t help but feel like if he wanted to help me feel better he wouldn’t be so stubborn about unfollowing some of these 800+ people. I know that all of this stems from my confidence issues and insecurities, but I can’t seem to let go of this and allow it to continue eating at me. I’m not sure how to go forward with this in order to move on and not let it bother me anymore. I trust him and he has never done anything in real life that I know of to give me reason to not trust him, but the social media stuff is incredibly triggering for me. I also think I make a way bigger deal out of social media since I don’t use it myself anymore, and perceive “liking” as a bigger deal than it is. It really eats at me that he has a constant feed of pictures of all the girls he followed on tinder. Any suggestions other than the obvious that I need to work on my insecurities and self esteem? Should I talk to him about this anymore or just work through letting it go by myself? I have also tried being single to work on my insecurities, but I think that dating allows for more opportunities to actually work through the issues rather than avoiding relationships altogether.

    #157298
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear limbikanimaria:

    I agree with you that “dating allows for more opportunities to actually work through the issues rather than avoiding relationships altogether”- that working effectively on problems is only possible in the context where the problems occur.

    I understand that he was and is willing to not “like” suggestive photos of women, and accommodated you that way. It makes sense to me that the April liking has to do with the in-between period, in between him being single and getting back together with you.

    As far as him following all those people on social media, males and females (correct?)- this is more of a lifestyle, a modern-day lifestyle as I see it. I see younger people on their phone a whole lot of the time, doing just that. And so, when you are asking him to unfollow people, you are asking him to change his (not clearly harmful) lifestyle, to stop doing something that he enjoys, something that fills his time-  and that is unreasonable.

    The fact that it bothers you so much, eating at you, as you stated, that is not a way for you to live either. And so, makes sense to me that you either end the relationship and make sure that the next man you date is not occupied with this lifestyle, or you learn to endure this distress and change your thinking about this Following-people-lifestyle. I only suggest changing one’s thinking if the new thinking fits reality.

    Ask him what it means to him to follow people, particularly women. Listen to what it means to him. If you do, you may realize that what you thought it meant … is not what it really means.

    anita

    #157402
    limbikanimaria
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply Anita. This situation took a bit of a turn for the better. I talked to him with a more mature approach, he took some time to think about it and came up with an idea..for every day that I don’t engage in my eating disorder he said I can unfollow a person from his Instagram. I know this doesn’t solve the problem of my insecurities, and I still need to put the work in there. Him saying this made me feel a lot better since it shows me that these people he is following aren’t as important as I thought they were to him, and also that he really wants me to fully recover from my eating disorder. Overcoming the disorder must come from me, but this is actually good incentive to get me over the hump to my next stage in recovery. What it showed me most was that this whole social media thing isn’t as important to him as I thought it was, which makes me feel a lot better about everything.

     

    #157508
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear limbikanimaria:

    You are welcome. I hope his challenge does help you with managing/ healing from your eating disorder and that you continue to be satisfied with your boyfriend. His offer to you is quite creative. I am impressed. I hope you post again with updates, more of your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

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