Kodenamekid,

What anita said… and you might want to try starting with one person to make friends with or at least to start talking to in person.  Also check out the Metta Meditation for that helps with anxiety and self-love.

I learned in my 40s (I suspect you are a lot younger) that it took so much energy to try to be accepted by others and monitor my words and behavior constantly when I am around people.  I learned to let that go.  I have found that I started attracting people who liked me for me.

I also worked on the notion of not caring what other people think of me.  What is the worse can happen?  In some ways my life won’t be much worse or I would think less of myself.  Plus it was more important for me to actually live as myself rather than working on being small and hiding from the world.

Mark

Dear KodenameKnd:

You are welcome.  You  wrote that you tried CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) but you were dismissed- why? You wrote that your therapist suggested counseling – but CBT is  counseling, I don’t understand.

You wrote that  you are “very sensitive to criticism”- every person is sensitive to criticism. As humans we need and want to be  liked, to be approved of. We are born with that need. And so, we are born sensitive to criticism.

Your fear of  criticism, of  disapproval is  intense because you received such criticism as a  child, correct? If so, will you tell me about being  criticized at home, as a child?

anita

Dear KodenameKnd:

Your anxiety is very  understandable. It  scares a child very much to be beaten by a parent and to be called names. It hurts a whole lot  to be called  “worthless” by the person you look up to. A boy does  look up to his father as a god of sorts, an all powerful being, wanting nothing but to be approved and liked by this all powerful being.

After  a few times of  such aggressive attacks, physical, verbal, by your father,  his hugs didn’t  feel t he  same, did they?

When an aggressive person shows love and then aggression, then love again, the “loved one” no longer feels loved by that  person. The “loved one” feels scared,  hurt, confused, sometimes  angry.

It  is very common in a family  where a parent is  aggressive toward his children, that one child turns  against the  other, passing on that  aggression, as  your sister has done.

Are you still in contact with your father  and  how is  that relationship like…?

anita

Dear KodenameKnd:

Yes, it  is very common for a beaten abused child (throughout life) to feel sorry for the abuser. The parent when beating the child lacks empathy  for the child. The child responds by filling in that lack of empathy  with his own. Meaning, when  your parent beat you up and called you worthless and such time and time again, his empathy for you was low. In response, your empathy for him was high, making  up for the difference.

Regarding your father giving you money, I think it will be right for him to pay for quality psychotherapy for you, so that you can heal from what  he has  done  to you.

anita

KodenameKnd,

I suggest when you approach someone to hang out with don’t think of it as a goal to accomplish to make a friend.  Just see if they like to share an activity with you.  Start with that.  Don’t make it as if they are going to be your friend.  Make it just sharing that one activity for that one day and see where it goes.  This way there will be little pressure on having to make this Particular person your friend  Right Now.

If you two have a good time then you can do another activity another time and build on that.

Mark

You might want to look into Enneagrams, which is a theory on personality types.  I’m not condoning it as science or anything like that, but I remember reading about them and how I fit one of the types so closely.  It was like an awakening for me, and the way I viewed myself and how I wanted to change in the future was totally different.  A weight came off my shoulders, and realized there’s nothing wrong with me, and in fact 1/9 of people in the world have similar traits as me.

You seem to have elements of Type 4 and Type 1, which go hand in hand.

Enneagram Type 4: The Individualist

Enneagram Type 1: The Reformer

At the minimum, it’s a fun read.

For KnK….by George Michael – who was also physically and verbally abused by his father!