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Small (but possibly significant?) age gap

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  • December 8, 2018 at 5:34 am #268375
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sabrina:

    You are nineteen and he is twenty five, six years difference. Looking at the numbers I don’t see a problem. I don’t see an ethical issue. Not only don’t I see it, I don’t understand how it can be seen as  an ethical issue, can you explain that to me?

    Did your parents tell you what specific ages are the correct ages for you to date, what is the cut off age, and  did they tell you specifically what are their concerns regarding  the six year  age gap?

    anita

    December 8, 2018 at 6:41 am #268389
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sabrina,

    Age only matters when you’re very young or very old.

    I think it would be better (socially) if you date him when you’re out of college or at least 22 or 23. Why? Because There would be no power dynamic. You don’t want him (or anyone else) to assume (even subconsciously) that he is taking advantage of you or is the dominant one the relationship. If you date him at 22 when he’s 28 no one would blink an eye.

    I dated someone older than me at your age (he was late 20s), and people felt threatened by me as well. “This man should be married with children and this student just swoops in!” It’s kind of like him giving the finger to women his own age.

    You’re not in love with him yet, so what I would do is keep him as a friend for a few years until it no longer matters. (If you’re writing for people’s opinions on the internet, it clearly matters in that it bothers you that it bothers people.)

    Best,

    Inky

    December 8, 2018 at 7:09 pm #268429
    Sabrina
    Participant

    Anita,

    My parents have never demanded I stay in a specific age range. I am just worried that they might be concerned-will judge me for my decision.

    December 8, 2018 at 7:10 pm #268431
    Sabrina
    Participant

    Inky,

    Very good advice, thank you very much! After our second date today I have found that our age difference did not attract attention from outside eyes, we just seemed like another couple. This eased a significant amount of my anxiety.

    December 9, 2018 at 5:46 am #268443
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sabrina:

    You wrote in your original post that your friend who introduced this man to you didn’t tell you any details about him, “fearing I would not agree to the date if I found a single flaw”. The date was great but you were alarmed by this  one single flaw, a six years age difference. Now  you feel better about  it, your anxiety eased.

    Problem is, you will likely  find  another possible flaw. It  is the nature of anxiety to look for such. If and when you do, if your anxiety persists and this is a pattern, making a relationship with a decent (though imperfect) man impossible, it  will be a good idea for you to attend quality psychotherapy to manage and heal from your anxiety.

    anita

    December 10, 2018 at 12:44 pm #268757
    Sabrina
    Participant

    Anita,

    You are so right. I didn’t think of it like that… I think I might make a few calls today to see what paychologists are in my area. It’s time to get my anxiety under control!! Thank you so so much, it means more than you know.

    December 10, 2018 at 12:44 pm #268759
    Sabrina
    Participant

    psychologists*

    December 10, 2018 at 1:19 pm #268767
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Sabrina. I hope you  post again anytime you’d like, and I will be glad  to reply to you.

    anita

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