Home→Forums→Relationships→Sitting with the pain; clarity & confusion
- This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 6 months ago by
Angel1972.
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September 25, 2016 at 6:14 am #116180
Inky
ParticipantHi Angel1972,
Congratulations! You felt so incongruent that you thought you must be crazy. But you weren’t! Girl, you couldn’t even talk about a friggin’ art class without feeling the full force of his silent disapproval.
Lesson #134 in Life: Vibrations are Real! Some would say that vibes count more than words. More than 90% of communication is non-verbal, after all!
Of course the narcissist broke up with you! He did it so you wouldn’t break up with him first!
Listen: When my old BF dumped me, all I had left was this stupid art history class, and we were learning how to build a Nabatean Wall. That Nabatean Wall saved my life! You’re guy’s gone? GOOD! Now THROW yourself in totality into your art and yoga class and your friends!!
But beware: He will try to come back, the less attention he gets. They always do.
Inky
September 25, 2016 at 1:28 pm #116221Angel1972
ParticipantThanks for the rely and your words rang true. Rereading my words I now see how it is so hard to put across all the intricate details that made the relationship so strange to fathom:
I went to therapy because I thought everything was my fault and the therapists never once suggested that he was controlling. I just tried to find ways to be ‘better’ I lost count of the times that he told me if only I was less anxious we could have it all, live together etc (when I was less anxious). He questioned my movements when I was not with him, but in such a friendly manner when I did suspect control I told myself is must be me being anxious and imagining things. Is is such a very strange place to be. We broke up for 4 months and then go back together.In our first discussion he asked me if I was better!! I was I told him. I had been sad without him but my anxiety had lessened and I felt stronger At the time I really thought that I had turned a corner personally and now I could function in a relationship. low and behold within a month it began again. He began the same things and I in return crumbled into an anxious mess.
I know he thinks I am so messed up person and I think it has indeed left me feeling so vulnerable and struggling to come to terms with it all. i am currently working on myself to try and get back some dignity and reassure myself that I am not so messed up. I have a great job teaching primary children and art and I thrive at work. I function and am not anxious. What the hell happened. xSeptember 25, 2016 at 2:27 pm #116224Midnight
ParticipantDear Angel1972,
I agree with Inky – you really are better off without this guy.
The fact that you are feeling hurt right now is because he has managed to make you doubt yourself, which is what spending time with an emotionally abusive / narcissist will do. With these subtle messages he put into your head that you are a weak, fragile person who cannot manage a relationship until you “get better”. Do not believe him for a second, this was only a manipulation on his part to make you feel and be inferior to him so that he could establish his control over you. He didn’t necessarily do that in a conscious way, but this is the only way he can function, by making his partner feel small, dependent and miserable. The fact that your life evolved around him and that you are no longer in touch with some of your friends makes me suspect that he very subtly brainwashed you into this, as I have heard similar stories before. I wonder, are the people you are no longer in contact with the kind of people who would have seen right through him and could have warned you about him? It usually is the case that these personalities will identify some of your friends and family as a potential threat to them and will subtly make you stop seeing them.Please don’t let these weakening messages of his convince you, the fact that you were feeling anxiety was probably because you subconsciously felt that this relationship was unhealthy and wrong. No one should say to you that they “love you but” cannot be with you because of what or how you are, unless you are doing something to hurt them which you obviously weren’t. A lot of people deal with very high levels of anxiety and are still in relationships, and their partners support and help them instead of making their anxiety worse. But in your case it does sound as though the anxiety could have been caused by him in the first place anyway.
September 25, 2016 at 10:35 pm #116282Brandi
ParticipantGood for you that you saw the signs and read them. I applaud your strenghth in doing things you know are healthy for YOU, and not letting him control you enough to stop being yourself. My concern would be the fact you wrap yourself up in a man’s life and make him your world. I understand, as I’ve done this too. Next time you meet a man you like, don’t lose yourself and the things that keep YOU happy and okay. (Said to myself also.)
September 25, 2016 at 11:20 pm #116288Angel1972
ParticipantHi Brandi,
Yes, you are so right. Alongside processing the whole situation I want to now spend time focusing on making my life whole, so that if I do have another relationship I come to from a place of personal security (well, as much as possible) and perhaps that way I won’t be attracted to a man like that.
I continue to miss him, dream of him etc; but I get it too. There are moments of clarity & then moments of utter panic because I am used to him being the one to build me up. It’s time for me to give that to myself- somehow x
Thanks xxx
September 26, 2016 at 9:58 am #116328Anonymous
GuestDear Angel1972:
You wrote in your last post: ” I am used to him being the one to build me up.”
Can you imagine a relationship where one person destroys the other, then builds them up just so to have something to destroy again. And can you imagine, in such a relationship, the person being destroyed, again and again, forgets that part and only remember the building-up parts?
It is very, very tough to experience the “moments of utter panic” you mentioned. It is managing those moments, learning to calm yourself in those moments, that is key to taking on and succeeding in the mission of building yourself up.
anita
September 26, 2016 at 2:07 pm #116357Angel1972
ParticipantAnita, I just had one of those panic moments and was so close to contacting him. But I came here instead. They come out of the blue like a big crashing wave.
Thank you x
September 26, 2016 at 2:17 pm #116358Anonymous
GuestDear Angel1972:
I know the moments of panic, been experiencing them for decades, the escalating thoughts, the elevated heart rate, the flashes of heat, the dizziness, a fainting- like feeling, exhaustion, slow-motion like feel, and more.
These didn’t kill me yet, and no heart disease that I know about. I am surprised these are so survivable.
I’ve been making a lot of progress with these moments of panic. I catch myself panic, catch the fear starting to escalate; then I hush myself: shhhh… I comfort myself, talk to myself as if I was talking to a scared little girl (that I am inside).
This is what I needed as a child, an adult to comfort me when I was scared. Didn’t have that. Now I can be that adult to myself.
But that is not yet enough for me. Every afternoon I feel more anxious than earlier in the day, so I am going to do in the next ten minutes what I do every day- go on a long walk. When I walk- not slowly- I breathe deeply, lots of air in and out. I usually breathe shallow and that encourages anxiety. So when I walk fast enough and breathe deeply for a couple of hours, I calm down half an hour into the walk.
anita
September 27, 2016 at 3:47 pm #116492trod811
ParticipantDear Angel1972,
I’m so surprised at what I just read by your first blog, only because believe it or not, I’ve had the EXACT same thing happen to me. My break up was in December of 2015. I am 35 years old now, and we were together from 23 till 34. The break up ended up bad and all my feelings were just like yours that I just read. I can’t say that I’m the strongest person just yet, but I am getting there. It’s been a struggle. Please reach out when you are down or panic. I know the feeling of when you say “he was the one who lifted me up”. Its so hard for people to understand, but Im learning that they are right. I’m still working on letting go and even forgiving myself.
My email is trod811@yahoo.com if you would like to send a personal email.
Thanks, Teresa
October 2, 2016 at 12:27 pm #116946Angel1972
ParticipantDear Trod811
Thanks for your message. I does help to hear that you are not alone in the midst of all of this. I have good days and then crushing bad days. Today has been a mix. I have been so scared of being alone that I decided to go for it this weekend. Keeping busy is great but it also covers up the pain. Today- two lots of yoga, cleaning and gardening. It has been nice but I miss him so much and then feel guilty because I know I should not.
It would be so easy to go out and meet another person to fill the void and I am filled with worries about my future. But….I am hoping that if I keep with the pain and loss and keep doing positive things that I will ease into a better sense of self and peace.
I’m coming off a drug and I want it so bad but I know that if I went back there it would destroy me even more.
I hope you are ok x -
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