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Sibling Rivalry & Parental Favouritism

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • March 21, 2015 at 10:36 pm #74248
    Soulstar
    Participant

    Hi there,

    I have an issue that has occupied my mind for years now and I hope some of you kind souls will help me with some good advice.

    The issue is that I feel that my Dad and Stepmother will be moving in with my sister and her large family shortly and this bothers me a lot. (I am blessed with one son and a husband.) The thing that really bothers me is that I believe that my Dad and stepmother have already made their decision but they and my sister seem to be pussyfooting around me by not telling me outright. I have tried asking them and they either try to deflect or say we are not sure. However, my sister is having her house renovated (basement) and my Dad is over there all the time to inspect or meet with the contractors. I don’t understand why the secrecy on my sister’s part. She has always been this way though where I am very transparent. It drives me crazy because it hurts. He’s my Dad too so why am I not included in any discussions? Am I wrong to think I should be if we’re supposed to be this wonderful family?

    Over the years, my sister and Dad & stepmother have become very close because she lived with them during her 1st pregnancy and she is 43 and now on her 5th. (I have recently had a partial hysterectomy and have found it very difficult over the years to see her constantly succeed in having kids. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for her. It’s just that I feel saddened because I haven’t been able to give my son or husband another sibling/child. My sister and I have never talked about her being pregnant at the same time I’ve permanently lost the ability to become pregnant. She avoids any discussion at all costs. Even before my surgery she did not have any words of encouragement. She has seriously distanced herself.)

    My stepmother adores my sister and they do a lot together and my sister counts on their support to help with her family but when I ask, she downplays it. (I feel bad for my mom who lives just a little further away.) The other issue is that over the years, my Dad and stepmother have been over at her house constantly and love being around her and her children. My son, who has Aspergers, only gets to see them when I go to visit. My Dad and stepmother rarely come to visit/phone. To me, it clearly shows favouritism to my sister.

    I am scared that when my Dad and stepmother move in with my sister, they will become a family unit and me and my family will be outsiders. Seeing that they will be in my sister’s home, my sister will be able to have them around for all holidays, advice, etc. I have always seeked a normal father/daughter relationship with my Dad, but it seems that his wife and maybe even him prefers to be with my sister because she is nicer/heart of gold was recently used/easier to get along with/has many children, etc. but I feel that when this happens I will lose the opportunity. My sister is manipulative in that she doesn’t come right out and say what she wants but she takes steps in what she wants and when you confront her about it she downplays it or denies she’s doing it. What type of a person is this in psychological terms? Passive-aggressive?

    Sorry for the ramble. I just feel lost…

    March 22, 2015 at 9:27 am #74261
    Kyniska
    Participant

    Hi, Soulstar,

    I don’t want to try to give advice about a situation I’ve never been in, but I do want to send some support and love your way. I don’t know your family that well, so I’m not sure if what I would do would be helpful in your situation. In my family, avoiding discussions (ANY discussions, including some that SHOULD be avoided) is not really our thing, but blunt confrontation doesn’t work for everyone. You could write them a letter, or speak them individually. You have very clear feelings and needs, and the evidence for your concerns is obvious.

    However you decide to handle it, (I hope someone with more experience than me can offer you better advice,) you definitely deserve to have a family that respects and appreciates you and I hope they come to their senses. And even though their behavior is their responsibility and doesn’t reflect on you, that doesn’t make it less hurtful, so please take care of yourself as well.

    All the best to you.

    March 22, 2015 at 12:07 pm #74265
    Inky
    Participant

    The Hard Truth is: Most parents are very diplomatic and treat everyone the same. But some do not. To be clear, every parent has a favorite. Sometimes the favorite changes over time, or there will be a favored one in a certain situation. Your parents make it so obvious. I’d be hurt, too.

    Your sister sounds too “perfect”. You may be labeled as “difficult”. Your Asperger’s son may also be labeled “difficult”. And the fact that the parents are willing to move into a “perfect” home with five kids?? Something is going on. That’s just nutty. I hope that the “perfect” family scene dissolves into base normalcy for the parents!

    I would either scare them by packing your bags and saying, “Well, HERE we are!!” and make believe like you’re both staying at her house (“Until I get back on my feet” LOL). Or, just move across the country. Then have THEM see YOU! That may never happen, by the way, but at least you’d have PEACE.

    March 22, 2015 at 4:25 pm #74267
    Bronte C
    Participant

    Dear Soulstar,

    I am truly sorry for your pain. I am certain that my mother favors my sibling over me, and, when I allow myself to focus on that fact, I feel hurt and “less than”. The key here is : “when I allow myself to focus on that.”

    You can only change one person’s feelings: YOURS.

    Please don’t do yourself the IMMESNSE disservice of allowing their situation and/or opinions of you and yours to dictate how you see yourself.

    You are beautiful. You are worthy. You have a heart. And you are not afraid to speak your truth or show your pain and compassion. (Qualities I suspect the rest of your family chooses not to express.)

    The unfortunate truth is that family members are human just like friends and strangers – and, sometimes they should be treated as such. I feel that we sometimes idealize what our family “should be” instead of accepting that they might be just as disconnected from us as the cashier in a supermarket. You might try lowering your expectations of what you want from them. The great thing is, that if you look beyond your family, you might find many other people who love you in more ways than you probably realize.

    Remember that any energy you put into trying to change someone else is energy you are not using to better yourself.

    Wishing you happiness!!
    -Bronte

    March 22, 2015 at 6:07 pm #74270
    Soulstar
    Participant

    Thank you to Kyniska, Inky & Brontec! I appreciate and really loved all of your comments.

    It’s just been so hard to make friends or think of myself as worthy of having friends (which I really have none, or the ones I do have I keep them at such arm’s-length (meaning just small talk, phone calls, e-mails only)) if my own family doesn’t love or respect me too much. I know I just gotta focus on my family and less on me. 🙂

    Many thanks and I wish you all happiness too!

    Love Soulstar

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