Home→Forums→Relationships→Should I try again?
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February 26, 2018 at 1:40 pm #194837
MarkParticipantTrixie,
A couple of questions:
1. How old are you, Tom and Harry?
2. Were you and Tom ever married?
3. Is your daughter with you and where are you two staying?
It seems to me that you and Tom were thrown into a stressful situation at such a young age. Under those conditions then of course that the relationship would be hard to hold together between the financial pressures, being parents, the lack of time and opportunity for either of you to grow up (college, dating others, etc.).
Have you two tried couples counseling? Before you throw the baby out with the bath water (excuse the metaphor) with your relationship with Tom, it seems that you two would benefit as a couple and as a family.
Harry is the new guy which seems like someone who can be the fun, non-father, non-provider, no responsibilities guy to rescue you. This is only 3 months after separation. I think you would do your commitment to your family and relationship a disservice by not working your issues out with Tom. Jumping to another guy is the easy way out in my opinion.
Mark
February 27, 2018 at 5:12 am #194947
AnonymousGuestDear Trixie:
After a one month relationship with Tom you got pregnant, knowing you were pregnant three months into the relationship. You separated from Tom and then three months later you met Harry and started a relationship with him that is one month long so far, correct?
You wrote about the very beginning of your relationship with Tom: “so we ended up chatting and exchanging numbers. Well from that day forward we were inseparable, our chemistry was great he was like this giant piece of myself that I was missing.”
You wrote about the beginning of the relationship with Harry: “we started talking and we had a lot in common. He swept me off my feet, he treated me so differently than tom. He was so caring and compassionate. He is super sincere and honest… it felt right at the time.”
My input: if I read correctly and you know Harry for only a month, it is too soon for you to know who Harry is. Too soon to decide that he is indeed “super sincere and honest”. He may be sincere and honest, superbly so in some areas and not in others. You have to know a person in different contexts and over time to determine such things as sincerity and honesty, trustworthiness, resilience, persistence, values.
Also, right following experiencing the worst that you experienced with Tom, in comparison, Harry shines. For now, he shines.
You had a very difficult time as a young mother with a daughter and not having enough money to make a family of three work out. Tom also had a very difficult time and the two of you, from one point on, turned against each other, fighting.
If you and Tom did get back together, the fighting will have to not restart, that will need to be attended to first, to the two of you not turning against each other.
Back to Harry, again, if it is only one month, there is no way to determine a man’s character in one month, no way at all. Maybe if you read a reliable thesis about him with documentation about his history, his activities during his lifetime in all areas… but you don’t have that information.
If you would like, let me know more of your thoughts
anita
February 27, 2018 at 11:19 am #195045
TrixieParticipantMark,
To answer your questions Me and Tom are both 25 now while Harry is 29. Me and Tom never married due to the financials though there was talk about it in the future. Me and Tom share custody of our daughter with him having her every other week. I couldn’t deny him the right to seeing her as much as i did as I felt it was unfair. He is a great father, and has always treated he right. He is with his grandmothers and I have my own apartment we live a few miles from one another.
We have not tried couples counseling because Tom does not like the idea of bring and outside person int our relationship. Talks of feeling with him have always gone off track we’d start at a good point and end up in a huge blow out. The problem with our communication is that he gets frustrated easily and he starts raising his voice, which then triggers my anxiety and I start crying and then he fells bad and the conversation dies there instantly with nothing being resolved. We have struggled with this for years and this is not the first break up though this is the longest we have been separated. Normally its only for a day or two and i go back. I know communication is key and with Harry I can tell him anything and he never gets frustrated he never raises his voice. He helps me look at things in a calmer fashion. He knows I still have feeling for my ex and that there is still a lot of unresolved issue, but still he is by my side, never judging, just always supportive of whatever is going to bring me happiness. I think of giving Tom a second chance But then I remember how many second chances I have given him and how little has changed in that respect.
February 27, 2018 at 12:13 pm #195055TrixieParticipantAnita,
I have been With Tom For 5 years, I got pregnant withing the first month of reconnecting with him. our daughter is 4 currently. I separated From my Tom 3 months ago. And have been talking to Harry Platonic since we separated, thought we decided to start seeing each other romantically and exclusively 1 month ago. Based on his interactions with others as well as how, he lives his life these are the deductions I’ve made. It’s just a hard judgement to make because there are so many what if’s involved. What if I go back to Tom and things stay the same. What is I stay with Harry and I continue to harbor feeling for Tom. The there is my daughter who’s not to sure whats going on asking why dad and mommy keeping fighting which makes it harder.
When I originally left I was doing it to pressure my own happiness and heal the emotional wound Tom has caused me. I was unshaken in my resolve, and knew that what I was doing was what was best for my family. But now I’m not to certain, I am filled with doubt and am unsure what I really want. I know if I choose Tom I loose Harry for good As Tom is extremely territorial about me talking to Men in general. If I choose Harry, Tom with have to stay apart of my life due to our child but will continue to put strain on my relationship due to his resentment toward the situation.
February 27, 2018 at 12:32 pm #195071MarkParticipantTrixie,
The definition of insanity is that if you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.
So even though Tom does not like having a 3rd party in the relationship to do counseling, does he know that there will be no relationship if he does not concede to that?
Plus I am cautioning you about Harry since the beginning of the relationship of him is in the honeymoon stage.
I would recommend that you need to be on your own rather than jumping into another romantic relationship before the current one is done. Before going from one to another without a pause, being on your own, on your own two feet is better as well.
I’m not saying you should stay with Tom. I’m saying that starting another romantic relationship right away is a mistake in my opinion.
Mark
February 27, 2018 at 12:32 pm #195073AnonymousGuestDear Trixie:
My first priority if I was in your situation, best I understand it, is to see to it that my daughter, very vulnerable at four, will not be present for any fighting in her home, wherever her home may be. Fighting in the home is very damaging to children.
If not fighting takes staying away from Tom, that is what I would do.
Since I wouldn’t be able to determine if Tom can control his temper (even if I was confident that I can), what I would do considering going back to Tom, would be to attend couple counseling with Tom so to make aggression (fighting) not the reality to come. But since Tom refuses couple counseling, this is a mute point.
Therefore, what I would do is not get back together with Tom.
Harry reads like a nice guy.
anita
February 28, 2018 at 4:36 am #195191AnonymousGuestDear Trixie:
In your last post you wrote: “there is my daughter who’s not too sure what’s going on asking why dad and mommy keeping fighting.” The issue for your four year old is not: Tom or Harry. Her issue is the fighting.
Your daughter is not able to post on this or any website. She is only four.
Please do all that you can so that there is no fighting, none whatsoever, in her presence. If you provide her a safe home, if you correct the damage done to her so far by the fighting, you will be preventing her from a lot of suffering in her life. Give her the safety she needs and it will benefit her and you, on the long run.
anita
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