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Should I tell the other woman?

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  • January 18, 2019 at 11:21 am #275411
    Anne
    Participant

    Hello,

    My boyfriend of over a year is a womanizer. I recently found out that he has cheated on me throughout our entire relationship with one night stands and hookups (he even answers craiglist ads for hookups). I’ve had friends tell me they’ve seen him out flirting and dancing with other women in clubs and bars. We lived together. I was in denial. A couple months ago I received a random message on facebook messenger from someone who wanted to be anonymous. I think it may have been one of his friends who felt sorry for me. They told me he also had a relationship going with another woman (gave me her name) and that he was a ‘womanizer’. I confronted my boyfriend about it and he denied it. He is a very charming, charismatic and a skilled liar. He looked me straight in the eyes and denied it. He even teared up as he professed how much he loves me and would never do that. But something felt off in my gut. So I went through his phone. I confirmed he was seeing another woman. For about three months now. I also saw that he answers craigslist ads for hookups whenever he goes out of town. My question is should I tell the other woman that he was playing us both? I saw all the lies he was telling her and it made me sick. I was also warned about him in the beginning but chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. I feel like she deserves to know so she too can make her own decision… Maybe she can avoid the pain and frustration I’ve endured.

    January 18, 2019 at 11:38 am #275427
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anne:

    Three questions, if I may:

    The person who contacted you on Facebook, knowing about you and the other woman by name, can it be that this person is that other woman?

    If not, maybe this person contacted you and the other woman, letting the two of you know about each other?

    Also, is your relationship with this man over, the two of you no longer in contact?

    anita

    January 18, 2019 at 12:30 pm #275455
    Anne
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I have not informed my boyfriend soon to be ex that I went through his phone and know this information yet…. I did this only last night.  As a result of our arguments over rumors of him being unfaithful we only just agreed to live separately a week ago to give ourselves some space to clear our heads and think.  But we are very much still together. He just got his own place but still has a key to my home and most of his things are still there…I see now that I’ve been duped for a long time by this man.  He has the perfect situation now to ‘play’ both of us.  I am certain that the message i received was not from this woman and that she has no idea of my existence.  I’d like to warn her before telling him I know about her because I know he will immediately manipulate and lie to her.  He may warn her with something along the lines of I have a ‘crazy ex’ who might try to contact you.  He is very smart and thinks ahead 2 or 3 steps in every situation.  He would definitely suspect I might contact her if I told him I went through his phone and saw the messages.

    I want to warn her for two reasons.  I genuinely feel sorry for her and don’t think any woman deserves this kind of crap. The other is yes I’m very angry with him and he shouldn’t get away with this.

    January 18, 2019 at 12:32 pm #275457
    Anne
    Participant

    Also I have to say I’m afraid to contact her because if she informs him straight away that I did… he will not feel any remorse.  Only extreme anger directed at me.  I think he may be a narcissist….

     

    January 18, 2019 at 12:40 pm #275459
    Valora
    Participant

    I have been in a similar situation before, and I can tell you that I did tell the other woman and I’m very glad that I did. My boyfriend had been lying to us both, so what I did after I talked to her was I picked her up at her house and then she and I went to his house together. This happened about 17 years ago, but it was an experience I will never forget and I have never regretted doing it. We did not give him a chance to lie to either one of us by confronting him separately. I’m not suggesting you do this, especially if you don’t know the woman (I knew the girl he was cheating with), but it definitely creates a situation where he cannot tell separate lies.

    As far as him not feeling remorse, if he is a narcissist, he’s not going to feel any remorse no matter what you do or how you handle the situation. All blame will be directed at you and the other woman and the friend (if he finds out someone told you) because they cannot accept any blame for themselves, and that is not at all your fault and not something you can avoid. That’s just how they are. I wouldn’t even worry about it and would just write that off and never speak to him again after you end this situation. It sounds like it will be good riddance!

    January 18, 2019 at 1:07 pm #275463
    Anne
    Participant

    I don’t know her at all which makes the idea of contacting her out of the blue all the more awkward and unnerving.

    I just feel so sorry for her.  He really did damage to me emotionally and mentally.  More than I’ll even know until more time has passed.  I hate the idea of him doing this to another woman and while I can’t stop him forever and I can at least save one from his game.

    Being with him was hot and cold.  I know now that the first three months of our relationship wasn’t meeting my ‘soulmate’ or ‘the man of my dreams’. He love bombed me.  Constant calls, poems, gifts, dinners, compliments. He made me feel amazing, like I was the most beautiful woman alive who finally met ‘the one’.

    But then his nasty side starting coming out.  He constantly accused me of ‘cheating’ or ‘wanting to cheat’.  If I ever got a text from another man even if it was a coworker about something work related it was a problem.  He was very possessive.  Most of the time if he was angry about something I’d get the silent treatment.  When we started living together i began to feel more and more uncomfortable. If I looked at him the wrong way he’d accuse me of feeling a certain way.  He always ‘knew’ exactly how I felt he’d proclaim because he was seeing it with his own two eyes.  Most of the time it was a negative feeling he’d attach to me.  When i’d start to pull away he’d reel me back in with sweetness and apologies.  Sweep me off my feet all over again.  He’s tall dark, handsome and very hard to resist.

    It got to the point that he was almost like a drug to me.  I never felt like this in a relationship before.  All I craved was for things to be good between us.  For the sweet side of him to come out.  His criticisms continued to get worse and more frequent.  At first it was just ‘your cutting the tomatoes the wrong way’ then to ‘you embarrassed me in front of my friend.  Why weren’t you more outgoing and friendly and fun?’

    I don’t know…. he won’t feel any remorse ever but I hate the idea of another woman going through this if I could stop it…

    January 18, 2019 at 1:13 pm #275465
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anne:

    I think that way before entertaining the question of whether to tell one of the other women in his life that he has  been multi tasking this way, you should resolve this relationship first, decide what you are going to do next. One possibility is to do the following: end all sexual contact with him and get tested (his Craig list hookups and other activities do carry the STD danger), make sure he doesn’t have a key to your home, and end all contact with him.

    What are your plans then, in regard to this relationship?

    anita

    January 18, 2019 at 1:23 pm #275475
    Anne
    Participant

    I want to end it but not because ‘I went through your phone and saw the truth’  I’ll need to give him another explanation.  Then once i’ve ended it I’ll need to change the locks even if his things are still there.  He will drag his feet on getting them and I don’t feel like he should have access to my home whenever he pleases once I have ended this relationship.  I will tell him this.  he will be angry and insulted.

    Yes a full STD panel is already scheduled next week 🙁

     

    January 18, 2019 at 1:40 pm #275483
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anne:

    “I’ll need to give him another explanation”- why is he entitled to an explanation from you?

    Following betraying your trust throughout the relationship, all you owe him is to legally end all contact with him, and follow through with it step by step.

    Don’t you think?

    anita

    January 18, 2019 at 2:00 pm #275491
    Anne
    Participant

    I’ve always felt the need to give someone an explanation as to why I’m ending my relationship with them but this is a unique circumstance…. I just don’t know what to or how… Should I do it in person? I feel more comfortable ending it over the phone.  Can I just say this is over? and then not give him an answer when he asks why?

    January 18, 2019 at 2:13 pm #275497
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anne:

    Because of his behavior, you have the ethical right to end this relationship any way you want. I would chose the least difficult/ easiest way for me. You owe him nothing but his legal rights, such as to allow him to get his belongings (from your place  or a storage place where you can have them placed).

    I would end it with him ASAP and I will not give him the opportunity to waste more of my time.

    anita

    January 18, 2019 at 2:41 pm #275499
    Valora
    Participant

    I agree with Anita. You should end things immediately, and you are under no obligation to give him an explanation. I usually feel the need to explain myself, too, but I’ve recently had to learn that sometimes it’s just better not to, especially when it comes to someone who is narcissistic because any explanation you give him would likely fall on deaf ears anyway and will just end up causing you more stress. I now prefer to be like Mary Poppins, who says…. “I would like to make one thing perfectly clear… I never explain anything.”

    My ex that cheated on me all the time also constantly accused me of cheating or wanting to cheat or would question every little thing, and I fully believe they do that because they think you’re doing to them what they’re doing to you. It’s really all the more reason to cut ties with him.

    As for the other girl, because you don’t know her, it will be tricky because if she doesn’t have any idea of how he really is, she’s not going to want to believe you. I was told by multiple people about my ex’s cheating (with several different girls!) and I always defended him until I finally found out the truth, so it’s likely you’re going to have to have some sort of proof that you were together while they were together, but being that you lived together until very recently, that should be fairly easy.  I just know that I would definitely want to be told if my boyfriend had another girlfriend.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Valora.
    January 18, 2019 at 2:44 pm #275503
    Valora
    Participant

    I’ve always felt the need to give someone an explanation as to why I’m ending my relationship with them but this is a unique circumstance…. I just don’t know what to or how… Should I do it in person? I feel more comfortable ending it over the phone.  Can I just say this is over? and then not give him an answer when he asks why?

    If you feel more comfortable doing it over the phone, then definitely do it over the phone. HE is the one who betrayed YOU, so you owe him nothing in terms of socially acceptable ways to break up.  So, yep, you can just tell him that it is over and offer no further explanation.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Valora.
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