Well, where do i begin…

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months. I’ve had a countable number of relationships in the past and those who have been would probably agree how every relationship is almost very different. However, this particular relationship is the one and only that I have felt was the one I was serious about taking to the long run, and if I must say, marriage. At least for the first few months, until what has happened recently which will be explained further in this post. I have always woke up feeling very blessed knowing that there is this person I call my boyfriend treating me so selflessly (or so i thought) everyday and making my happiness his priority. He has always been sweet in both his words and actions (not sweet talking but saying the simplest of things like ‘your happiness is my utmost priority’, ‘I’d always put you first’. PS: this is his first relationship and when he was chasing me, I did tell him that he might not know what a relationship is really about. I told him that i had no doubts about him liking me but I told him that he might only be wanting a relationship because all he was experiencing back then was the “good times” and I told him that a relationship isnt just about the good times, but more importantly, walking through both good and BAD with someone and not giving up on each other. Being naive and probably not thinking far enough, he told me that he’d show me that he would be worth my time and that he would be willing to go through shit with me (not just the good times that is). I told him that I would give him a chance after seeing how he was trying so hard and that he seemed like a nice guy, because even after I voiced my concerns he did try to show me that he would be willing to give us a shot.

So… fast forward a few months into the relationship. I felt like the happiest girlfriend in the world. Our conversations were intense and great, and so deeply connected on a level I have never experienced with any other guys I have met or been with. I felt like he was the one, the one I have been searching for so long, the reason why no other guys worked out in the past. And I constantly told people around me how blessed I felt to have met him and given that shot at our relationship despite my initial fears and doubts. We were ging strong and barely quarelled, and even if we did, we managed to resolve things almost immediately. He consistently reiterated that I was the most important thing in his life and that he would do anything to make me happy.

Call it my fault or what, I took his words very literally. To give a background of our situation, he studies a different course in university from me and so our social circle in school is not the same. Because of the nature of his course, most of the people he mixes with in school are females. In fact, most of the time he would be with a bunch of females in school. At first, because he showed me how much he loved me, I never quite felt insecure or minded that fact. But over time, I guess slight insecurities and curiosities kicked in and I felt like he was literally seeing them more often than he saw me and being a girlfriend, it was not easy to shut away thoughts of whether he had feelings for these girls. Furthermore, I have met them and I didnt really like them because they made some mean comments about me. Anyway, so yeah i started telling him how i felt and asked him whether he could just see them as school mates and nothing more. I told him i wasnt comfortable with him hanging out with them out of school hours because I just didnt like the feeling of picturing him having a great time with a bunch of females even if it meant that he saw them as merely friends. I am aware that this sounded a little much but I kept holding on to his words on “I’d do anything to see u happy”. And i told him that honestly, i was not happy with that happening. Inititally, he did give in and said that he hasnt hung out with them out of school hours since he got together with me. In fact, i had my reasons for feeling insecure because when we were still in our dating phase, one of the females was always constantly texting him and I felt like from her messages, she gave me the vibe that she did see him more than a friend. But he told me he has never had feelings for her and I do trust him on that. So to me, as a girlfriend, I felt like it was only fair i made such a request. As time went by, things started changing. We began to have more intense and frequent quarrels and I realised somethings about him that really made me reconsider his true personality. Initially when we quarelled, he would be very motivated to solve things together with me and we did it. But this time, he just started shunning away and ignoring me, like he would not contact me for a day or two and when I did contatc him he would say things like “ignorance is bliss”. Which I found really inconsiderate and I said “what happened to your promise of putting my happiness first” and he started saying “sorry i overpromised and couldnt deliver. I guess i just care about myself more.” I felt so hurt and questioned everything that he has said to me. like the good things about how i would always be his priority. But he was behaving like a completely different person. This time I would always be the one to try to turn things around because he would spiral himself into a ball of negativity and i told him “this is what i told you a relationship is about- there WILL BE quarrels and bad times. U told me you would face them with me. why are you being so negative now” and he would just be like “i dont know dont ask me. i dont know”. he just felt like a completely different person and i was so lost. maybe this was his true identity and he was just tired of putting up a false”nice” front in the initial relationship. And i was right.

Fast forward to this month, we had the greatest tiff of all time that stemmed from something really insignificant. He ignored me for a good two days and I couldnt take it so i contacted him and he went all sarcastic and cold to me and I tried my best to talk to him very calmly and told him not to give up and to think of the good times and memories we have come this far to go through together. He spoke back in a totally cold manner with NO FEELINGS and told me that he was sick and tired of our quarrels and that he wanted to leave and not have restrictions on his lifestyle and that he was tired of being someone he was not (like him putting my happiness first like he said) and he told me that he felt like he was too selfish and that he loved and respected himself more and that he would rather just stay single. I broke down and told him that it was so unfair because the matter of argument was something so trivial to begin with and i couldnt understand why he would take things to this extreme level. I guess he just bottled alot of his feelings up and he exploded. so i guess the argument was secondary. He started saying alot of harsh things to me like how he has been enjoying himself in the two days of not contacting me and started making spiteful comments like telling me that he felt no love for me anymore. I believed him and i tried my best to make him come around. We then settled on taking things slow but still being in the relationship.

However the problem now is that i spoke to him on the phone yesterday and asked what his definition of taking things slow is, and he said that he wanted no restrictions from me as to who he could and would hang out with. Deep in me i knew that this would never get anywhere because I felt like if there were completely no boundaries then wouldnt it equate to a friendship. He also told me that he’d rather stay single but he’s only choosing to stay for the sake of me. he said that he felt obliged to still care for me (but in my mind i suspect that its just the fact that he still has feelings for me and not that he really loves me and wants to be with me). He admitted that hes selfish and that he isnt and will not be willing to do things just to make me happy anymore and that i should just trust his morals. But after all these harsh words that he has said to me I cant help but to feel like i need even more security and assurance from him than ever. He is indeed a very selfish person and pretty childish because this one time we joined a school club together and some of the seniors complimented me saying that they felt that i had the potential in the sport and he immediately looked glum. I asked why, he said he felt jealous that i was getting compliments but he wasnt. This really made me shift my impression of him and I knew from then on that deep in him, he has this need to be better than me and i told myself that someone like that would not be a good potential partner. Is he not going to congratulate me in future when I get a pay rise? Or when i succeed? There are just so many factors about his true colours i have finally seen that are enough to draw me away but I still keep holding on to the fact that i have never encountered any one like him who has connected with me so deeply. I feel really lost as to what to do now. I know that there isnt a solution that would mett my needs but i also dont want to let him go because a part of me still feels so strongly towards him. He did tell me that he still feels strongly towards me. I have graudated recently and he still is a student and so he is more busy now than i am, and one thing that also pisses me off is how he constantly goes on saying how school is making him very busy and that he doesnt really have the time and feels the need for this relationship. i asked him why did he even start it in the first place and he says “its my first relationship and i have no idea what to expect. i thought it would only be full of good times and no arguments. but if i had known it would be this way i wouldnt have started it in the first place”.
The truth hurts. But that aside, i really feel lost..

Would appreciate if anyone of you could advise me on my situation. Thanks loads x