Dear Jisoo,

Mom dismissing my tears when I was a kid

this is emotional neglect – a parent should ask the child what bothers them and console and comfort them, or if necessary, take appropriate steps (e.g. if the tears are related to being bullied at school, talk to the teachers, or if the tears are related to sexual harassment, take action as well). You crying frequently and your mother dismissing it shows she wasn’t attuned to you, she didn’t have empathy, or she was purposefully refusing to see the problem because she didn’t want to confront it.

There was always the pressure to get 1st rank as my parents were very strict w.r.t to studies. I was always a 1st ranker but parents never appreciated it much. But when I loose even few marks, I would get scolded and beaten.

This is a big pressure for a child and sends a message that you’re not good enough if you aren’t Number 1, if your performance is less than perfect. They had high expectations of you and would punish you if you failed to meet them. And when you performed well, they didn’t appreciate it, they took it for granted. The result could very well be that you didn’t feel good enough and worthy of love if you didn’t perform perfectly.

These two together – emotional neglect and expecting perfection from you – could definitely lead to feelings of being unworthy of love, being not good enough.

Your husband didn’t make you feel unworthy, it seems like you had a healthy and mutually respectful relationship, but after his death, the old trauma got triggered. Maybe because subconsciously you experienced his death as “abandonment”, even if it wasn’t his fault, and your old feelings of being unworthy of love resurfaced. Does this explanation resonate with you?

Dear Jisoo,

one incident I specifically remember..mom mocking my running style infront of her sisters and brothers.

This is more than emotional neglect – it’s emotional abuse. Mocking a child, especially in front of others, is very damaging, very toxic. So you experienced mocking for not being super athletic, scolding and punishing for less-then-perfect performance in other subjects, and not getting any praise or recognition for your otherwise stellar performance. That’s emotional abuse. Neglect is when your mother didn’t notice your tears…

In fact I got reminded most of my childhood stuff during recent years because I don’t want my kid to go through the same stuff i went through. I protect my kid’s emotions.

It’s good that you are aware of the stuff you went through and choose to parent your child differently…

Any suggestions on what can be done now to improve my self esteem around relationships ?

You’d need to embrace the little girl in you, and tell her how precious she is, how you much you love her and appreciate her. You’d need to be the loving parent to your inner child and give her the love, appreciation and validation she never received from your parents. And lots of compassion too for being “imperfect” and making mistakes. So lots of love and compassion for the little girl that you were… Do you think it’s something you could do?

Dear Jisoo,

good article, spot on! So he is a narcissist after all – well, good that you know it now, it will make it easier to let go of him! As for sending him the link, well, you can, but just don’t let yourself get caught into another spin of his, trying to convince you that he isn’t like that and that he loves you and cares for you… so beware! I wouldn’t send him anything unless I were 100% sure that I am immune to him…

It’s also understandable now why you fell for him: because of your low self-esteem you loved it when he praised you and “worshiped” you, telling you were his queen etc. That was the love bombing part. And you needed to hear it, because you were made to believe in your childhood that you were unworthy… so you fell for the guy who told you the opposite.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear Jisoo,

you are more than welcome. Good that you didn’t send him the link – it’s enough if you know. He wouldn’t change anyway because if it, so no point in trying.

One more thing i forgot to add : He doesn’t follow this contact timings when he is in my home city or when he is traveling .. he ll try to be in constant touch .. pics from airport, flight, hotel room, restaurant, shares location too .. so now i come back to my original suspicion ..he might be living with someone and trying to protect her feelings.

Yes, that would be the most logical explanation. When you asked him to show you his home – was it in his/your hometown, or he showed you the place where he lives abroad (via video chat)? If the latter, there is a smaller chance that he’s living with someone…

I am relieved to finally gain some strength to put my boundaries in place and continue to do so. Thank you very much.

I am glad to hear that, and you are welcome!

Teak, regarding soothing my inner child, i am definitely going to try it, doesn’t seem easy though. Right now i am still clueless how and where to start from, reading about it.

Well, you can work on it in therapy, or perhaps you can check the article by Dr. Nicholas Jenner, titled: “Connecting with your inner child – what it means and how to do it”. I think it’s a good first step… basically, the idea is to bring back to memory, during a meditation, a certain troubling experience from your childhood, e.g. where you were mocked by your mother. And then act as the loving parent to the little girl who felt hurt and humiliated during that experience. Your inner parent would tell the little girl how much you love her and appreciate her. She (your inner parent, i.e. the adult you) would also stand between your mother and the little girl, and protect her. She might – in your imagination – tell your mother to back off and how dare she mock you, or something to that effect.

It’s important to be able to embody the energy of your inner parent (loving, patient, compassionate, wise…), so that you can protect and soothe (in your imagination) your inner child. This type of exercise, if done properly, can in fact change the old imprint of feeling helpless and worthless to the one of feeling capable to defend yourself, and worthy of love too.

Dear Jisoo,

you’re welcome.

Going back to unhappy memories is disturbing.

Yes it is, and you don’t have to do it right now, specially not alone. It’s better to do it in a safe environment, with a therapist your trust.

i unconsciously poured in lot of stuff over here.

I actually prodded you to go deeper, asked you about your childhood… I hope you aren’t overly disturbed about that. If you are, you can decide to stop thinking about those past events until you are in safe therapeutic environment. You can say to yourself: I realize there is pain there and work to be done, but I don’t want the past memories to prevent me in my everyday life and functioning. So I am putting those away till I can attend therapy. You can sort of put those memories in a “safe container”, and then open the container only when you are ready to address it. That is – if you feel you’re getting overwhelmed by the past and it’s too much to handle.

Dear Jisoo,

Not overly disturbed but kind of ..don’t wanna venture into it right now .

Totally understand you. Give yourself time, do it at your own pace, and with professional help, if possible.

Good luck, wishing you all the best!