Home→Forums→Relationships→Should i stay or move on
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August 14, 2021 at 3:57 am #384672JisooParticipant
Hi Teak, I may have given you wrong impression, the issue with father behavior started in recent years, not in my childhood. Bad gaze was the problem, nothing else. Regarding that guy, he likes me , not love me enough to become step dad to my kid. He is never married, so it might be a huge thing to him, might not sync with his goals and dreams. As you mentioned, it also might have to do with my behavior. I am too much to bear ,my insecure and controlling attitude because of anxiety. He was in a 8 year long relationship from college and had to let go of thar girl as he wasn’t settled back then. His last relationship ended in 2019 , the girl left him because he couldn’t prioritize her over his work. We met in 2020. He behaves more human now compared to previous months. He was like a robot. If I say yes, yes..no,no. We had a big fight in April I.e me asking about his secrets. He never said a word back or argued. For whole 1 week , he sent sad selfies of himself. That is the only emotion he displayed so far. We did talk about my late husband but he was very brief about his exes. Never really opened up to me. Always puts up a happy, jovial mood. As per my perspective, he doesn’t care much for any woman to stay in his life forever, easily let them go. I believe he has some friends with benefits in the place he lives and I am sure each of those might be rooting for marriage with him. Those women might be in dark too about what he does when he travels here. If a guy is casual, we can understand. But if someone behaves very caring, affectionate, very much into u, remembers every single detail of what we shared and follows up with utmost sincerity, most women wait with hopes. And coming to his mom, I may have given wrong information. She passed away years ago , a lovely, feminine and motherly woman as per his description. Pampered him a lot. No idea if she was a controlling type. What is that u mentioned about my needs and he disappearing ? I did not understand.
August 14, 2021 at 4:47 am #384673TeeParticipantDear Jisoo,
Yes, I misunderstood you regarding your father’s behavior, because I assumed that he was the one guilty for sexually harassing you when you were a young girl. I made the wrong assumption because of a few things you said: you said you feel safer with any man than you do with your father, and also that you were in a situation where you were helpless, and that it’s difficult to fight own family members.
Based on all that, I assumed it was your father who is responsible for sexual harassment, and not other men. But true, you never said he was the one who harassed you when you were a young girl. You only said he would gaze at you with sexual undertones and made some comments, when you were staying at their place after the death of your husband. I apologize for making a wrong assumption.
As for the man having the need to disappear – I thought that you might have been too much for him at times, and that’s why he had the need to reduce contact and “disappear” on you during the weekends, for example. Like, he had a need to check out and take a rest from you. But that was again just an assumption, which might not be true, because you say his mother wasn’t a demanding person. I mean, you don’t know much about her, just that she was feminine and motherly. Perhaps you do remind him of her?
I really don’t want to speculate, it’s hard to understand his intentions. But for this or that reason, he probably has a fear of commitment… I was trying to understand his hot and cold behavior, and came up with one possible explanation – that you remind him of his mother – which might not be true.
August 14, 2021 at 5:50 am #384676AnonymousGuestDear Jisoo:
You shared about your parents: “My parents fight a lot, it was same since my childhood. A lot means a lot .. very toxic. Their only way of communication is arguing/shouting at each other. They don’t understand each other… It was a very disturbing environment for me with their constant fights and this behavior”.
About yourself in regard to the man discussed (and men in general): “I would shout, cry, don’t talk for days etc… all mood swings.. really bad… I feel I am exactly like my mom, can never understand any man/get emotional intimacy”.
I wrote to you two days ago regarding the man discussed: “From the totality of descriptions and comments about this man so far, I have no picture/ no understanding of him: I understand nothing about his thoughts, feelings and/ or motivations“-
– I guess that I have no understanding of him because you can never understand any man.
I wonder if this means that you fought a lot with your late husband as well, arguing, shouting, etc.. that you didn’t understand him, and were not emotionally intimate with him…(?)
It would be a good thing if you were no longer like your mother, wouldn’t it.
anita
August 14, 2021 at 7:48 am #384682JisooParticipantHi Teak, agreed that I did nag him a lot but that started after his disappearing acts and more over its after 2 months after our first meeting. I did notice his pattern of vanishing but never confronted in the initial months. He was available from 11 am to 9 pm my time. He lives 3 hours behind my time zone. So he leaves office at 6 pm his time and switches off the phone. I can never reach him on my own. He is the one who initiates and ends our contact timings. At the same time, he was very demanding of my time when he is available.. calling multiple times if I don’t pick up.. constantly texting. It was nice to me initially but slowly my work time, cooking time, kid time ..everything got replaced by him. My me time is completely gone. Then I started putting boundaries and as well started demanding his private time. Questions on who he lives with, why can’t he remember me after going home etc. He never replied properly nor his contact timings changed. Then my nagging started. I did share lot of my personal frustrations too but for that he would response positively, calm me and make me happy. I could have walked away but I have my own selfish reasons.. apart from that .. he usually does what I ask for, after repeated fights or if I stop talking. Most of the time he made me feel that he is putting effort to not loose me. But I don’t have energy to fight, so let things take their course
August 14, 2021 at 8:06 am #384684JisooParticipantHi Anita, my behavior changed after I developed wrong style of attachment. My marriage was not 100 percent roses, we had some arguments and both of us equally put effort to make it work. I was never insecure in my marriage though. We were super attached and he vanished off from the face of earth just like that .. my reference to my parents is to answer Teak’s question regarding my childhood. I believe every marriage is different and depends on those 2 specific people’s perspective and understanding. It’s not hereditary. I and my siblings understand it very well, growing up seeing our parents. After my recent traits with men, now I understand why my mom behaves the way she behaves. And it’s not mirroring any way ..its not like hey don’t do that because u ll look like that person. It’s like telling a kid ..hey don’t smoke or else u ll die like your parent or grandparent. As per my understanding I have to find what triggers me and have to fix it. My parents have their own issues but I guess that doesn’t have anything to do with their parents marriages.
August 14, 2021 at 8:24 am #384685AnonymousGuestDear Jisoo:
“my behavior changed after I developed wrong style of attachment.. I was never insecure in my marriage“-
– what you are saying then, is that (1) you experienced a secure attachment style as a child while living in a “very toxic.. very disturbing environment” with parents who constantly fought, argued and shouted at each other, and (2) you experienced a secure attachment style as a married woman.
Did I understand correctly?
anita
August 14, 2021 at 9:05 am #384687JisooParticipantHi Anita, you are confusing me 🙂 I and my siblings were disturbed as kids when they fought but it didn’t effect us much. I don’t know what kind of attachment it is. Only after I started staying together with parents after my loss.. that I started analyzing why they fight and it also effected me a lot ..since I couldn’t understand why they can’t appreciate the presence of a spouse when their own kid is mouring her spouse right in front of them. Regarding my marriage, yes it was a secure love marriage, my husband was my super hero. It was not the perfect marriage .
August 14, 2021 at 9:26 am #384690AnonymousGuestDear Jisoo:
I definitely don’t wish to confuse you! What I am capable of understanding from what you shared recently, is that in your parents fought while you stayed with them following the loss of your husband, and it bothers you that they fought because it meant that they were not respecting you mourning your loss.
He was your super hero.. that’s precious!
anita
August 14, 2021 at 9:48 am #384691JisooParticipantHi Anita, I meant they could not understand the importance of a spouse. When we see someone crying over a loss, shouldn’t we be grateful for what we have, make some compromise and make things happy with whatever is available. And also, mom has 0 social life, doesn’t share her issues with her sisters or some one her age. She keeps complaining to me .. your dad is thst, this, did like this, like that .. issues dating to as old as 20/30 years ago. It was really toxic for me as I am facing my own struggles and I am not someone older than her to advise what to be done. One parent abusing another parent in front of the kid is toxic at any age.
August 14, 2021 at 10:08 am #384692AnonymousGuestDear Jisoo:
On one hand, you say: “One parent abusing another parent in front of the kid is toxic at any age“, on the other hand, you say: “I and my siblings were disturbed as kids when they fought but it didn’t effect us much”- I don’t understand how “toxic” fits with “didn’t affect us much”.
On one hand you say: “I.. can never understand any man/get emotional intimacy”, on the other hand you say: “it was a secure love marriage“- I don’t understand how you did not understand your husband (who is a man), did not get emotionally intimate with him and yet, it was “a secure love marriage”.
Like I wrote in my last post to you, I don’t want to confuse you. But I also don’t like to be confused myself. The above are two examples of contradictions and inconsistencies in your story. There are more. Maybe another member will be able to understand and not be confused.
I will now withdraw from your thread. I do wish you well and hope that you no longer spend time with your parents, particularly with your mother (who may be the one who is confusing you).
anita
August 14, 2021 at 10:11 am #384693TeeParticipantDear Jisoo,
this is new information, which sheds a different light on him:
So he leaves office at 6 pm his time and switches off the phone. I can never reach him on my own. He is the one who initiates and ends our contact timings. At the same time, he was very demanding of my time when he is available.. calling multiple times if I don’t pick up.. constantly texting.
This shows that he used you: when it suited him, he kept the communication going, even demanding it from you and being impatient when you didn’t respond immediately. But then, he’d switch off his phone and wouldn’t be available. It’s almost like he let you partake of his “grandeur” (his empathy, his wisdom, his charm…), and then left you hanging. Sounds pretty narcissistic to me…
If so, I guess he felt good about himself when he could impress you and knock you off your feet, when you saw him as your savior, when you adored him and craved his presence. This gave him a sense of importance, a sense of grandeur. Once he “drank” enough of your admiration, he then retreated to his private corners.
Btw many narcissists can’t really live with anyone else, they usually live alone (even if they are in a relationship), and I think it’s because they can’t bear to show their true selves, their everyday, imperfect selves. So they put up a front (like this guy was always charming, patient and understanding with you), but they can’t keep doing that for too long, they need to take off their mask and recuperate in their private space. So this might explain his hot and cold behavior…
August 14, 2021 at 10:26 am #384694JisooParticipantHi Anita, I am explaining 2 different perspectives of me..one before the tragedy and one later. So it might have confused you. Looks like I am taking lot of space in the forum and your time as well, but to make it clear – As a kid we move to another room if parents fight , we dont analyze their marriage or even think about it much. But as an adult and also in a low phase in one’s life, these things effect a lot. Hope u understand the difference. And w.r.t to my husband, he never ghosted/disappeared/mentally abused me. If we had issues , we argued/discussed and compromised to some level. I never got scared that he might leave me or my relationship will end. I was always secure. But now in my current state, I get extremely clingy when the new guy disappears, think I am wrong or unworthy of love ..whatever it is. I don’t feel secure. Hope this is clear now.
August 14, 2021 at 10:46 am #384695JisooParticipantHi Teak, your description of him is hilarious 😆 haa ..it might be a mask . Who can behave like a robot every single day without emotions. I always wondered why is he single still .. he matches all society standards and seems to be a good catch.. well settled, good looking, polite, decent and extremely charming personality. As far I remember our earlier conversations, most women before me ..tagged along with him until they understood he is not ready to commit or marry and few of them kept in touch with him even after their marriage. It only means he has kept his mask all through.
August 14, 2021 at 11:14 am #384698JisooParticipantOne thing which I noticed is whenever I ask his details, he ll change the topic to me or completely diverts to something else. I started doing this to him in recent times, he cut shorts the conversation. And once when I asked why he is not available, he asked me if I want a gift. That made me more angry. Only last month, for the very first time I heard this from him ” I know what I do and why it hurts u. That’s the reason I bear your anger in return ” this was in response to when I suggested taking responsibility for his actions instead of diverting the topic.
August 14, 2021 at 12:26 pm #384700TeeParticipantDear Jisoo,
Hi Teak, your description of him is hilarious
so it means it might be true? 🙂
I always wondered why is he single still .. he matches all society standards and seems to be a good catch.. well settled, good looking, polite, decent and extremely charming personality. As far I remember our earlier conversations, most women before me ..tagged along with him until they understood he is not ready to commit or marry
Yes, this is typical of narcissists – it all seems perfect, and yet, something’s wrong… And the fact that he was always polite, calm and put together – like a robot, you say – it’s definitely a pretense. You say he worshiped you, but it actually may be that he “worshiped” you only when you worshiped him. He liked his own reflection in your eyes… Well, it’s good you put an end on it…
As for your fear of guys disappearing on you:
But now in my current state, I get extremely clingy when the new guy disappears, think I am wrong or unworthy of love ..whatever it is. I don’t feel secure.
you say you react by believing it’s your fault and that you’re unworthy of love. I am assuming that this feeling of being unworthy of love existed in you even before, but was triggered by the trauma of your husband’s death. Sometimes some of our early trauma is buried and only gets triggered later in life. Do you think this might be the case with you?
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