Hello, thankyou for taking the time to respond to me, it has really helped already just being able to type it all out to try and get some clarity into how I am feeling. Both responses have been insightful.
Anita-I have read your replies to many others on here and I have found the advice you have given very solid, trusting and very inspiring especially as you have shared at times and been so open about your personal life and seem very dedicated on the road to self acceptance.
In answer to your question, I am actually starting the therapy tomorrow although we were doing it last year for about four months. I am really hoping this time it will help us both and we feel more positive about each other, I told him it was our only hope today but he said he would speak to me properly tomorrow. As I have decided to only spend time with him when my daughter isn’t around, it has and will take the pressure off me as there were so many times it was so stressful keeping them both happy, I was always worrying if daughter was feeling ignored (which many times she was which upset both of us) this is one of the reasons I get so frustrated as I say to him so many times that he needs to give her more attention, show interest and to listen more but he just cant seem to do it so I feel I have to do it all. It feels like I am not being honest with her though as I told her at the time it was over between us (not expecting my feelings would change).
We are both reading the The Five Love Languages (well I am and I hope he is) by Gary Chapman as my therapist recommended it and I have read online its very useful for couples experiencing communication difficulties. I will just focus my efforts on interpersonal skills and I remember early signs of this being a problem when we got back together. When we were younger, his personality in my mind looking back seemed very different to who he is today, when I was trying to be myself he becomes paranoid and finds it really hard to relax if there is no talking, I am a quiet person by nature and told him this many times, maybe too quiet due to growing up with little attention so it is very familiar and comfortable for me so trying to find a middle ground is challenging. I feel a lot of the time as I relate to him, the way I did as a child, ignored and there to please. I don’t do so much of the pleasing now, no where near as much as I used to which is why it flowed so well initially and without realising I got fed up with feeling like the same frustrated and lonely girl I always was. I have felt loved by him and he was so kind and caring but he said because I have hurt him so much (rejecting him and saying mean words in anger) that he finds it hard to give me what I need. We both realise that trust is what is missing and it would be a miracle if I could trust him especially when it comes to other woman.

Inky- I guess unworthy was a good fit for me but days like today when I am feeling better I think I am being to hard on myself but my the message I hear in my head when I am hurt and sad is ‘I don’t deserve this’ but I want to feel like I am good enough but when I start comparing myself to others or find it uncomfortable letting people get close to me it confirms my belief. My anxiety shows me up with people and I feel shame because of it. I know what you mean about being a grown up, again this is why I have been so frustrated as I feel like a mother to him, totally not living up to my expectations and so different to how I thought he was before. (He would say the same about me most likely) Your right though parenting is always top priority and I will have to forgive myself for letting this slide.

Anita- he has tried to get along with her, at first he was more enthusiastic but my daughter foubd this challenging as she was used to it always being the two if us, he was very patient with her during this time (more than me) as she was struggling with her anger and was lashing iut and being disruptive, it was a very hard timetime for all of us as she was adjusting to him being in our lives.He has tried to be more happier when they first reconnect but she tends to criticise him and challenges him which causes alot of tension, then he would stop giving her attention and would focus his attention on his phone while in her presense ( I have told him many times not to do this) now he doesnt have much energy for both of us and does not engage as he is always consumed with his depression and tiredness, so I have overcompensated for this and my daughter is used to his way of being which is something I dont ever want her to get used too but the three of us are very open with each other of how we feel, it is hard for the three of us to feel safe and content at the same time. He has never physically harmed her and occasionally has shouted at her and she has heard many arguments which im not proud of, so he could be so much better which he has admitted but this is not enough, he needs to consistently give my daughter what she needs.

I hope thus helps anita and I will come back again as I have had a positive session in coupkes therapy today.

Hello, I want to start by saying I am really sorry for replying so late. I guess I was struggling from what you had last said Anita and I have been feeling emotionally overwhelmed since I last wrote anything. Ok I want to respond to what you last said. I totally agree with you about me needing to stop saying hurtful comments when I am angry, it is destructive, damages trust and hurts people including myself. I really regret all the times I have done this to people I have cared about during my life, unfortunately I learned this growing up by listening to drunken arguments between my mum and dad and it has been a coping defence for me when I am hurt. I need to stop and since we last spoke I have barely done this even though I have received verbal insults, hurts and criticism by my partner.
It is much more peaceful between me and my daughter and I still continue to separate my relationship and parenting, it is lovely to feel more calmer around her and more able for daily challenges, I am trying to be the best parent I can be, putting much more awareness in to what I say and how I say it. I have always tried to do my best for her but when I need to attend to my childhood wounds and I am hurting I have found it too hard to give her fully what she needs as well as all my other worries and no real support.

The part where I felt misunderstood was when you wrote that I needed my boyfriend to be like a loving parent towards my daughter. This is what he made clear form his intentions from nearly the start. I wrote before how he promised so much to me and my daughter saying things like he wants to be like a stepdad to my daughter, he wants to treat her like his own daughter, he actually told her this too, how he wants to marry me and be a family and commit to me. We actually went to view another house once but I can see now he wasn’t taking it seriously. I said to him at the very beginning that we needed to take things slower but he became very intense and on the rare occasions I did try to be boundaried he would become paranoid, angry and try to make me feel guilty for wanting some space so he would always pick an argument making me feel it wasn’t worth it because it would hurt so much. Most evening were spent talking about his past, his girlfriends, his hatred towards his mum and his depression. He would spend so much time at my house as we both weren’t working (were both still not working) have family dinner together, help with the school run so it was like we were living together (committed) but because he hadn’t properly moved in and I wanted to know where I stood as I wanted to trust him considering I had given up so much alone time, and because he had let me down so much I had to check I wasn’t being used. When I would ask him about this he would get angry or he would talk how he wont know when he will be ready to commit properly to me as he doesn’t know how long he will be in therapy. He seemed genuine at times that he did want a future and meant all the things he promised but when it came to the day where he had to deliver, he would buckle under the pressure. It was very confusing and over time I just never really knew where I stood. At the very start I communicated so many times about us taking it slower, about the kind of person I was who values their own space and confided in him everything about my family history and that I wanted to distance myself from my family as they had caused me so much hurt, he would not listen to me and if anything tried to encourage to spend more time with them and eventually between him and my mum and dad persuading me to go abroad on holiday which I really did not want to go on as I know how I would feel. That holiday was traumatic and it nearly broke us up, I still find it hard to think about it. So in the end it was being argued about all the time like this was what all our issues were about. He is still living with his mum and she has asked him to move out (she has said this before) he has deep rooted issues with his mum which he is working on in therapy but I don’t think living with his mum is helping him heal I really don’t as she still criticises him and he worries about not being able to financially support himself as he doesn’t pay anything whilst he lives with her but he has more than enough money to support himself but he chooses not too as he is not working.

We have only had two therapy sessions since I last wrote on here and the last one was today. This time I told the therapist about how hurt and rejected I felt as he recently confided in me that he tried to cheat on me with a consultant that he needed to see about his insomnia, this has been heart breaking for me and over the time we have been together he has told me he has developed feelings for his therapist, fancied another girl on the family holiday I did not want to go on (this brought up all my body image issues) and this other girl who was providing support for him giving him career advice. He also told me if it wasn’t for him being in therapy he would have cheated on me, and I have had to endure him looking at other woman a lot of the time when we have been out. We have had so many arguments about this. Our histories when we were young has caused so much mistrust between us and now I honestly don feel I can ever trust him with another woman. Although he hasn’t actually betrayed me by cheating, he did try to contact the consultant and he told me if she was willing to be with him he would have done so, he said he didn’t even think about me while he was doing this. In arguments he has said why cant I be more like her, and think because I don’t have a degree I am not worth very much (he didn’t say it like this but I have always felt this and I know he is motivated towards successful and attractive woman) All my attempts at trying to better myself during our time together he has felt threatened by it in some way and I feel like I hate him and love him at the same time. He has hurt me so much. I have tried to improve my life but it has been hard as our relationship has taken so much work as well being a mum and the stress from worrying about money. its been too draining for me to have energy for my career and make new friends. I feel like I am losing so many people in my life but I do believe this is a good thing as the sister I was closest too physically attacked me as well as previous times and I am trying to remove toxic people from my life, it feels like I am losing the only two friends I have but they didn’t put in much time for me anyway, probably because of my neediness. My family is not my family anymore and now it seems my dad might have early signs of dementia, there on holiday and apparently he forgot where he was. I just want my parents to come home safe. We both see ourselves the same in this world. we were both black sheep’s in our families, socially anxious and feel were not good enough in some way.

My life is just one big mess and I feel like I am sinking, I resent being a mother at times having to burden all the responsibility and energy that comes with it, I resent being alive as my life is always a struggle. I am getting older and I feel so scared, alone and rejected. I have not heard from my partner since our therapy session earlier today and it was left with another argument both of us hurting each other. I cant even engage in conversation with him now when he is trying as I am so hurt. He has shown guilt and has cried his eyes out to me about all the arguments we have had just like I have but then it changes again. I don’t know what to do, I wish I felt his love again and I so wish that I could trust him, he doesn’t trust me either. I really wanted us to build on trust but when we get close again he tries to sabotage it, becomes suspicious off me like he is waiting on me to do something wrong, he becomes angry and argumentative and then I do the same.

I am sorry if this has turned out to be too long but I really could do with some encouraging and kind words right now. thankyou.

I have encouraged him to move out of his mums house and said that continuing to live there is preventing him from healing quicker, even his own Therapist has said this to him. I really wish he would find it in him to be stronger but I am angry at him for leading me to believing in him, I went against my better judgement. When we went couples therapy yesterday she said we have a real strong bond, some sessions she is really enthusiastic for our potential to be together because in spite of how challenging it is we are still together but on sessions where she witnesses me in so much pain as well as my partner she encourages a break or letting go, I find it hard to trust people even her and my own counsellor who I am seeing today even though I cant afford it, I need to know someone cares and share my pain with. He is a lot stronger these days, he has quit smoking, he takes care of his physical appearance better, he keeps fit every day but yes he still needs to grow in other areas.

Anita- I am also confused by what you have said as you had belief in my relationship and now it seems that your main concern is my daughter and because of your concern for her well being you haven’t really picked up on the other worries I have which is disappointing. To reassure you for the most part I am a good enough mother, yes I have said and done things that I regret but she is loved and cared for, I know I have let her down at times but considering how let down I was as a child I think I have given my daughter more happiness than I ever received. I guess I wanted more empathy from you in how he has treated me and I feel so rejected. I know he is unwell so does that excuse him of any responsibility? I am unwell at times so does that excuse my inability as a mother? It takes so much energy for me to express my thoughts and feelings especially writing about it as this is unfamiliar for me. I am afraid you would rather not respond to me and you do not like me and you think I am a bad mother, I am sorry if this upsets you but I am trying to be authentic even if it risks losing your help and support.