Home→Forums→Relationships→Should I stay or end the relationship?
- This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 2 months, 2 weeks ago by
anita.
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June 23, 2024 at 12:36 pm #434150
Teni
ParticipantI am a person who doesn’t get mad, because I don’t like getting mad at all. My partner is a person who deals with problems by getting mad. I am usually sensitive to anger, whether its light or heavy. I have of course done wrongs in the relationship, as the same with my partner. I have told stories of my partner to my friends (separate from my partner) and they all have said to end it. I understand and would say the same if I heard the same stories from my friends. I still love my partner, but I am unsure if we probably are not compatible because of the differences in anger. We have differences in emotional intelligences, what to get mad at, what to be sad at.
Examples are: I don’t feel comfortable sleeping earlier than them, as they get annoyed/mad/sad when I sleep earlier than them. I get anxious when I sleep without them (we usually sleep together most days) because they might call me while I am asleep, and they usually get mad/sad/annoyed when I don’t reply if I oversleep or during sleep in like midnight. I get scared showing my feelings as I get anger back.
I just feel like the relationship isn’t an addition of my life, but my life instead. I want to end but, but I am afraid they might hurt themselves (they have said this a lot, like “I think I would kill myself if you broke up with me). I really just want opinions.
June 23, 2024 at 1:06 pm #434153Helcat
ParticipantHi Teni
Unfortunately, threatening to kill themselves if you break up with them is called emotional abuse. Controlling when you sleep is also abusive. As is getting mad etc if you don’t reply to texts while you’re asleep.
No contact after a break up can be a good idea to avoid being guilted into returning.
I think that you’ve said it all when you said that you want to end the relationship. Have they previously attempted suicide or self-harmed?
It isn’t your responsibility if someone hurts themselves. They are responsible for their own actions and choices. If they have difficulties with their emotions they can see a doctor. Help is out there, it doesn’t have to be you that helps them.
It sounds like to me these things are being said to prevent you from leaving. I had an ex that tried that. Blocking hin everywhere was very helpful after the break up. He didn’t kill himself.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
June 23, 2024 at 1:09 pm #434154Helcat
ParticipantYour feelings are not less important than theirs. You have a duty to yourself, to take care of yourself and protect yourself from an abusive situation. You shouldn’t have to suffer, to make someone else happy.
June 23, 2024 at 10:29 pm #434164anita
ParticipantDear Teni:
“Should I stay or end the relationship?“- if you stay in the relationship, he will be miserable, and you will be miserable. If you end the relationship, maybe you will find contentment elsewhere, alone and with someone else.
anita
June 24, 2024 at 12:34 am #434165Tee
ParticipantDear Teni,
your partner gets easily mad at you, even for things like your biorhythm and a physiological need to go to sleep earlier than them:
I don’t feel comfortable sleeping earlier than them, as they get annoyed/mad/sad when I sleep earlier than them. I get anxious when I sleep without them (we usually sleep together most days) because they might call me while I am asleep, and they usually get mad/sad/annoyed when I don’t reply if I oversleep or during sleep in like midnight
If you don’t pick up the phone in the middle off the night – when one is supposed to sleep – they get mad (or sad). This tells me that they have a hard time regulating themselves and see you as their mother/caretaker, who should be available to them at all times to soothe them and meet their needs.
Your partner seems stuck in their child self, where they only think about themselves and their own needs, and have no respect for your needs, even your basic physiological needs.
And then they threaten with suicide if you dare to leave. Which is very abusive, as Helcat said. It’s the worst kind of emotional blackmail.
So my advice is to leave. Don’t allow yourself to be blackmailed. Your partner would need to do some serious healing work before they can be in a healthy relationship.
June 24, 2024 at 8:11 am #434173anita
ParticipantDear Teni:
I’d like to elaborate on my short reply of yesterday:
About your partner, you shared: “My partner is a person who deals with problems by getting mad… they get annoyed/ mad/ sad when I sleep earlier than them… if I oversleep or during sleep in like midnight… they have said this a lot, like ‘I think I would kill myself if you broke up with me“.
About yourself: “I don’t like getting mad at all… I am usually sensitive to anger, whether its light or heavy… I don’t feel comfortable sleeping earlier than them… I get anxious when I sleep… I get scared showing my feelings as I get anger back… I want to end but, but I am afraid they might hurt themselves“.
As I see it, within the relationship, your partner is often, or predominantly angry and you are predominantly anxious, and your partner’s anger fuels your anxiety (everyone is scared of being the target of someone’s anger)
About compatibility: “I am unsure if we probably are not compatible because of the differences in anger“- unfortunately, the combination of a predominantly angry person and a predominantly anxious person is a combination that is “compatible” in the context of abusive relationships: the Angry person being the Abuser, and the Anxious one- the Abused.
Most often, both parties are suffering, but one person’s (inadequate, distorted) solution to their pain is to Attack. The Attacking party gets to feel empowered by witnessing the Anxious party surrendering. For the otherwise powerless-feeling individual (the Attacker), the feeling of power over the other individual is pleasurable and addictive, so they want more and more of it.
Your partner asserts power-over you when threatening suicide. An abusive relationship is about power-over, not love, but with a twist: there are times when the abuser is authentically vulnerable, honest and lovable. But those are only moments within an abusive relationship, confusing moments. Confusing because unlike in cartoons and some fictional movies, where the bad-guy is always bad, in real-life, no one is always bad, and everyone has moments when the good, loving child-within expresses itself through the abuser.
And when it happens, the Abused may want to help the loving, lovable child within the Abuser, but alas, the adult abuser won’t let you because they are already helping themselves to you.
anita
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